Candle037 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Hi all, I have been seeing this really great guy for a few weeks. We've been getting to know each other but I have asked him what hes looking for and he says he doesn't know. I did ask casually if he is just looking to hook up and he said no but he couldn't answer further then that when I probed. I am new to dating and I am unsure and want some advise as to what I should be doing/not doing to watch this develop as I indicated to him I wanted to date him and see where it goes. I do talk with him daily and its been really fun and positive.
soccerrprp Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Well, his "I don't know" is either his way of saying that he wants to see what happens or he's lying and knows exactly what his intentions are but doesn't want to let you know especially if nefarious. People generally have a pretty good idea what they are looking for when dating. 3
HappyLove Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 The only thing you can do is watch his ACTIONS. Men will tell you anything to get what they want. Just ask some if us around here who thought they were in a relationship, the guy turned out to be a liar and disappears. So it really doesn't matter what he says it's what he does. If down the road you two are getting more and more serious and he still has a non committal attitude then you'll have some decisions to make if you want commitment. 1
mammasita Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I'd be hesitant if he's saying he doesn't know. Usually that line means that you're not exactly what they're looking for. 4
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I agree that caution is appropriate here. If you are having fun, keep that up. Don't let your guard down though but he hasn't shown himself to be trustworthy yet. Pay attention to his actions. Don't feel compelled to talk this to death at this point. 1
Author Candle037 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Ok so pretty much watch what he does and see if anything where hes gonna take it and if he doesn't because I told him I'm looking for more then when the time comes I can just make a decision then? ok thats fair enough. I am dating other guys also so I'm not holding out for him but I like what he is about. 1
Tayken Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Ok so pretty much watch what he does and see if anything where hes gonna take it and if he doesn't because I told him I'm looking for more then when the time comes I can just make a decision then? ok thats fair enough. I am dating other guys also so I'm not holding out for him but I like what he is about. Did you just admit live on loveshack that you are a serial dater? I'll be damned 1
StanMusial Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Did you just admit live on loveshack that you are a serial dater? I'll be damned Some dude out there is wondering what HER deal is LOL.
jcrew11 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Hi all, I have been seeing this really great guy for a few weeks. We've been getting to know each other but I have asked him what hes looking for and he says he doesn't know. I did ask casually if he is just looking to hook up and he said no but he couldn't answer further then that when I probed. I am new to dating and I am unsure and want some advise as to what I should be doing/not doing to watch this develop as I indicated to him I wanted to date him and see where it goes. I do talk with him daily and its been really fun and positive. First off, how old are you? and what do you as the female want from him? do you want sex, or a commitment? do you want to be officially boyfriend/girlfriend?
Trimmer Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Ok so pretty much watch what he does and see if anything where hes gonna take it and if he doesn't because I told him I'm looking for more then when the time comes I can just make a decision then? ok thats fair enough. I am dating other guys also so I'm not holding out for him but I like what he is about. Did you just admit live on loveshack that you are a serial dater? No, she stated that she is a parallel dater. Serial is when you do multiple things one after the other, end-to-end, in a "series" or a sequence. Parallel is where you do multiple things at the same time. 1
OhThatGirl Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I agree with some of the other posters. It's still early but I'm alarmed that he "doesn't know" what he's looking for. There will always be success stories but these tend to be the guys who can't outright say they don't want anything serious (that will scare girls away, result in almost no options) but also can't say they want a committed relationship. It's a red flag to me that he doesn't have his intentions decided upon. Now, the caveat to this is: he likely wouldn't be able to say what he wants *with you* yet but he should still know what his end game is. Unless of course you're still young and not interested in marriage and children. Quite simply in my own experience if the guy doesn't already know his end goal is marriage and kids, I'm moving on. But again, I don't expect him to know he wants those things with ME but knowing we have at least those two things in common is an absolute must. Check out my past threads. I wasted a year seeing someone who "wasn't sure" if he wanted marriage or kids.. Now that I'm past the relationship I can clearly see he's never going to want those things, despite not being able to say so. Like jcrew asked... How old are you? What long term goals do you have with dating? We can only judge his answer/give advice knowing what your intentions are. If you're looking to settle down I'd really consider how much time you're going to devote to someone that isn't sure that's what he wants...
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Hesitant...yeah, because that's really an effective tool for women. Look, it's a combination of words and actions and his words right now are saying that his actions are being orchestrating under the fact that he doesn't know which for men is essentially "I'm not taking you, THAT seriously" and if the guy, like most guys, only sees you as something "casual" he sure as hell isn't going to tell you, why would he? so you could, go away? not without that vagina first. The problem with women is they try and take a situation that doesn't really feel right or like the guy is ultimately looking for something serious, but she feels like it can lead to that or maybe he just needs time or things will like magically become that...which of course is awesome for the "I don't know" men because that means you'll actually believe it. I could ask a guy a question just about anything he likes or doesn't like, and with a high degree of consistency can get a straight answer...but when it comes to are you interested in something serious with her? the only guys who are going to get a straight answer is men, not women...they've got nothing to lose telling a man his true intentions but to tell women that he obviously risks losing a vagina. Women tend to look at a man's actions upside down, they're not understanding the meaning behind these gestures...all the dumb things they read into, all the serious things they tend to overlook...the dumb things paint a picture of high interest because it covers the BS coming out of a man's mouth, the serious things are more subtle and behind the scenes but less loud and at the forefront of the situation for obvious reasons...men are trying to keep those elements out of mind so you stay focused on the BS and what they want you to see and listen to, and every idiot who's seen a romantic comedy should know his foot from his @ss in at least the basic sense, it's not rocket science to understand what will earn a man a few brownie points, because even if it's fake she's still going to want to believe it means something more. Anyway, that's too far from the main topic, IMO you already found out his dating intentions...that means he doesn't take you that seriously, if he was sure, then he'd be acting like it..so I'm sure what you're going to tell yourself from here on out, men don't just "suddenly" and miraculously become enamored in women, they know pretty much right away if that girls got the right stuff, which is why men tend to mess around more with women they're not that interested...it's not like you're losing that ultimate girl that you're suddenly and magically "looking for something long-term" when you meet, and timing for men basically is that he just wasn't that interested...he's not going to be MORE interested at another or later time, that just means his options aren't looking too great. And as for your behavior...multi-dating, while it's good to keep your options open and see other people, giving off that impression or vibe to a man isn't going to necessarily have him taking you seriously either. Those type of women tend to be all over the place and unpredictable with their romantic interest.
StanMusial Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 No, she stated that she is a parallel dater. Serial is when you do multiple things one after the other, end-to-end, in a "series" or a sequence. Parallel is where you do multiple things at the same time. Maybe she could be a turbo-charged serial multi-hyper-dater. Expert at "dating" and terrible at relationships. Not that this ever happens.
RedRobin Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 If a guy says he doesn't know, that is code for "whatever you will let me get away with" No exceptions. Your answer should be something along the lines of "Ok, thanks! Good luck on your path to not knowing!" then cut him loose. 4
Iguanna Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 "How can I find out someone's dating intentions?" Express openly YOUR intentions. No need to follow what the other person wants or needs. You declare your own needs and give them a chance ti show if they agree with these and how they want to proceed with them. If you see after some time that this (or any other) guy doesn't seem to accept and keep up with your needs, rather than he remains unexpressed about this matter, you will have your answer. Guys who care for a girl and really want to make her happy will try to keep up with her needs and of course expressing theirs as well. Guys who will not care to express their needs or ask for the girl's needs, are selfish and you shouldn't expect anything serious from them.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 If he really liked you and saw serious potential, he would know exactly what he wants. Sounds like he's not that into you, but would be happy with some casual sex in the guise of a short term "relationship" if you're naive enough to go along with it. Do you want a serious relationship? If a guy doesn't answer clearly that he wants the same, move on. 1
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