Question for young 'other women'

[yellowmaverick]

I have a question directed to young OW (maybe less than 25 years old) - either current or past OW.

 

I have two college-aged daughters. They are beautiful girls - inside and out - and great students. Neither of them is "experienced" when it comes to dating - either sexually or emotionally. They both have a lot of exposure to older men (professors, bosses, teachers' assistants, etc.). They know about their father's affair and have said that they would never be an OW. I would imagine that most of the young OW on this site never imagined that they would be an OW as well.

 

So, in an effort to raise my daughters' awareness of the dangers of an affair with a MM, I want to know the following: 1) your parents' view of adultery (i.e. did either parent have an affair or think that they were no big deal); 2) how did you meet your MM; 3) before you had sex with the MM, did you ever consider his family and the hurt that the affair may cause them; and 4) were you experienced (sexually or emotionally) with dating before you engaged in the affair?

 

I would appreciate responses from only young OW or older OW who were about college age when they began/had an affair with a MM.

[Lady2163]

I have a question directed to young OW (maybe less than 25 years old) - either current or past OW.

 

I have two college-aged daughters. They are beautiful girls - inside and out - and great students. Neither of them is "experienced" when it comes to dating - either sexually or emotionally. They both have a lot of exposure to older men (professors, bosses, teachers' assistants, etc.). They know about their father's affair and have said that they would never be an OW. I would imagine that most of the young OW on this site never imagined that they would be an OW as well.

 

So, in an effort to raise my daughters' awareness of the dangers of an affair with a MM, I want to know the following: 1) your parents' view of adultery (i.e. did either parent have an affair or think that they were no big deal); 2) how did you meet your MM; 3) before you had sex with the MM, did you ever consider his family and the hurt that the affair may cause them; and 4) were you experienced (sexually or emotionally) with dating before you engaged in the affair?

 

I would appreciate responses from only young OW or older OW who were about college age when they began/had an affair with a MM.

 

Well, I was seduced when I was mid teens and babysitting. No, I was not anywhere emotionally ready for sex. Yes, it was statutory, even if it was a seduction..

 

I do believe it stunted my emotional growth for many years and allowed predetermined values to be warped. I'll never get that innocence back.

 

Uh...I had several affairs before I married at age 23.

 

Most were met through work, I was in the military, pretty much predominantly male.

 

My parents would have been very anti-adultery.

 

I was too young to really, truly think of anyone else with the true understanding and compassion of what an affair could do to them.

 

Not that you or anyone else is as,ing for advice, but here it is anyway...

 

Do not let the husband of the family your daughter drive her back and forth. If it too far or late for her to walk home and it is not the wife, then be prepared for the next time. Most of the time, people say when they will be home, you can be there a w minutes early and be waiting inside with your daughter to babysit.

 

Additionally, I don't want to think about the number of times I was driven home by someone who was really too drunk to drive.

 

If your child works in a different job, again, be aware who is driving your child home. I used to know two men, mid to late 20s who work fast food, just to meet teens.

 

Do not expect your teen to tell you, no matter how close you think your relationship is. Predators know how to woo. They know how to give the teen something they want to get what THEY want. Think you child isn't smart enough to hide a new ipod from you? Think again.

 

The focus in my small conservative Christian town in the 1980s was the attempt to make young people feel guilty abut sex. If you are teaching your kids to,wait until marriage, to abstain, to feel guilt...okay...not the path I would encourage, BUT...put some emphasis on what they DESERVE. They deserve someone who can treat them right. Who doesn't have to hide their relationship. Who dates them publicly. Focus on making sure their self esteem knows they don't have to settle.

[yellowmaverick]

Well, I was seduced when I was mid teens and babysitting. No, I was not anywhere emotionally ready for sex. Yes, it was statutory, even if it was a seduction..

<SNIP>

 

Interesting that you bring up the babysitting issue. When I was about 12-13, the father of the girls that I was babysitting made a pass at me when driving me home. I was too naive and stupid to know that it was a pass! It wasn't until years later that I understood what he had done. For this reason, I never allowed my daughters to get a ride home from the father. I always picked them up or they walked.

Edited February 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lady2163]

Interesting that you bring up the babysitting issue. When I was about 12-13, the father of the girls that I was babysitting made a pass at me when driving me home. I was too naive and stupid to know that it was a pass! It wasn't until years later that I understood what he had done. For this reason, I never allowed my daughters to get a ride home from the father. I always picked them up or they walked.

 

I probably babysat for 50 families from age 10 - 18 and that was the only molester.

 

I'm so glad yours didn't nudge you into something. That is so young for a grown man to be messing with. I hope it left no lasting scars, maybe just am awareness.

 

Supposedly, men who go for girls at the puberty age are often repeat offenders. That made me throw up a little to realize because I never spoke up, he may have done it to others.

[Gloriana]

I am an OW now, and this is my second time. I'm older than 25, so I hope you don't mind that I am responding.

 

First time I was an OW, I was 31.

 

1) I was raised in a strict Christian home. My parents view of adultery has always been that it is forbidden, one of the worst things that can happen, and I would probably be written out of the will if they were to find out that I am and have been an OW.

 

2) I met the first guy on a message board just like this one. He started private messaging me. We lived in different cities, and he was going to help me find a job in the city where he lived. We started sharing and talking more. He came to city where I lived, and we decided to meet in person. We were chatting inappropriately over the phone and sharing pictures before we met in person. The second guy is someone I met through work. Our A is an EA. The first guy told me he was living in the same apartment as his W until her job contract ended. Then they would go their separate ways. The second guy hid the fact that he has a gf until months into the situation.

 

3) Only had sex with the first one. Second one is Emotional. Yes I considered his W's feelings, and he assured me their marriage was over it was more of a business partnership until her job contract ended.

 

4) No with the first one. Yes with the second one.

 

Both situations basically blindsided me because I was so naive and inexperienced. I did not know what love was, and I wanted to feel love so desperately (especially with the first situation). So, with the first man, I trusted everything he would tell me. I found out they were all lies when his W called me. She found out and had him give her my number. He tried to come back to me many times, and I would not have anything to do with him. The second guy got to me emotionally. I have fallen in love with him. I have really tried to leave, but I have not had the willpower yet.

[yellowmaverick]

To the OP:

 

Remember they are adults is all I can say. I think as people age they start to say things like "20yr old is just a kid" or "they are so young at 25", I often wonder the people that say these things did they forget what it feels like to be 20 or 25?

 

<SNIP>

 

I definitely agree that a 20-yr-old is an adult. I don't agree that all girls that age are sexually worldly. I know that my daughters are not. In fact, the oldest one is rather naive (book smart but not street smart). She has yet to have a real boyfriend, even though she is a knock-out and is very smart. I worry that she will be susceptible to "stroking" by an older guy and may be too naive to discern a lying MM. Even though she witnessed her dad's betrayal first-hand and saw that it doesn't just happen in "bad" marriages, she may not be savvy enough to recognize danger. She has an extremely high moral code, but I am not sure that will necessarily protect from that which she doesn't know. That's why I was asking how the younger OW got themselves into that mess.

Edited February 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[endingpage]

I am also older than 25 (I hope you don't mind that I am answering) but I only recently finished medical school and was also completely inexperienced when I had my affair, so I wanted to reply. If you wanted to read about the s.hitstorm I got myself into, my thread is here.

 

1) we have never talked about it but I imagine they would be anti-adultery and I know for a fact that my mom would kill me if she ever found out what I did

 

2) at work; we are both residents.

 

3) I thought about his wife and always felt bad about it... except when he was around. I wanted him more than anything and was too "high" on how he made me feel to stop. Even more so because I had never been in a relationship before, was a virgin at the time, etc.

 

4) I was a total newbie. I was a really good student in school, studied really hard, and while I have the job to show it, I also had zero experience with men. I was curious and I wanted it and I just clung to the first person who I had chemistry with and who showed me affection.

 

Like many OW here, I never ever expected to do this. But I did. The external validation is just too great. I know a handful of intelligent and beautiful women in real life who have allowed themselves to get caught up in the fog -- these are all people that I would never expect to have affairs but ... it is such a slippery slope. Boundaries get crossed "in the moment". I forced NC and am healing, but it really hasn't been easy because he was my first everything. But I am glad I made such a huge mistake early on because I learned my lesson and am never doing anything like this again.

[jwi71]

I have a question directed to young OW (maybe less than 25 years old) - either current or past OW.

 

I have two college-aged daughters. They are beautiful girls - inside and out - and great students. Neither of them is "experienced" when it comes to dating - either sexually or emotionally. They both have a lot of exposure to older men (professors, bosses, teachers' assistants, etc.). They know about their father's affair and have said that they would never be an OW. I would imagine that most of the young OW on this site never imagined that they would be an OW as well.

 

So, in an effort to raise my daughters' awareness of the dangers of an affair with a MM, I want to know the following: 1) your parents' view of adultery (i.e. did either parent have an affair or think that they were no big deal); 2) how did you meet your MM; 3) before you had sex with the MM, did you ever consider his family and the hurt that the affair may cause them; and 4) were you experienced (sexually or emotionally) with dating before you engaged in the affair?

 

I would appreciate responses from only young OW or older OW who were about college age when they began/had an affair with a MM.

 

I think the "issue" here is more YOURS and LESS your daughters.

 

For you, hardest for parents - myself included, its time to step back and let them go. The morals and virtues and ethos and work ethic and all else that one can learn from parents has been learned. Your role as "active" parent is over. They are adults and their lives are theirs to make.

 

I'm actually more concerned for YOU than them.

 

Are YOU ok?

[Popsicle]

I have a question directed to young OW (maybe less than 25 years old) - either current or past OW.

 

I have two college-aged daughters. They are beautiful girls - inside and out - and great students. Neither of them is "experienced" when it comes to dating - either sexually or emotionally. They both have a lot of exposure to older men (professors, bosses, teachers' assistants, etc.). They know about their father's affair and have said that they would never be an OW. I would imagine that most of the young OW on this site never imagined that they would be an OW as well.

 

So, in an effort to raise my daughters' awareness of the dangers of an affair with a MM, I want to know the following: 1) your parents' view of adultery (i.e. did either parent have an affair or think that they were no big deal); 2) how did you meet your MM; 3) before you had sex with the MM, did you ever consider his family and the hurt that the affair may cause them; and 4) were you experienced (sexually or emotionally) with dating before you engaged in the affair?

 

I would appreciate responses from only young OW or older OW who were about college age when they began/had an affair with a MM.

 

I am older than 25 and was not involved in an affair when I was that age, but a friend of mine was at that age. Her father constantly cheated and her mother was constantly distraught. My friend is a bit of a lost soul too. She thinks it's okay to get involved with bad men, and she also cheats herself. She went out with a good guy a few months ago and she said he intimidated her because he was too good. She dumped him.

 

The problem with MM is most lie and don't say they are married.

 

Please. That is not true at all. In fact, it's the opposite. Most MM say they are married. It's only a small fraction that lie and say they aren't and those are usually the serial cheaters.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Popsicle

[rumbleseat]

To the OP:

 

Remember they are adults is all I can say. I think as people age they start to say things like "20yr old is just a kid" or "they are so young at 25", I often wonder the people that say these things did they forget what it feels like to be 20 or 25?

 

Women in general embrace their sexuality so much more than generations past especially younger women. Birth control, safer sex options, and general acceptance to sex has made this a obvious path for many. Sex is fun not taboo, so why should there be a double standard?

 

The problem with MM is most lie and don't say they are married. So, what happens when a guy 10-12yrs older who is respected, sharp, successful, tries to wooo and impress someone still in college? Especially someone who wants to be successful and sees that success standing right in front of them? Many are attracted to it!

 

I've seen many "coeds" date much older because power, success, and intelligence which is a aphrodisiac for many.

 

Then there are people like me that dabble in the world of "sugar" where coeds seek out older wealthy men for everything from a business in, mentorship, expensive toys, travel, and in general just a leg up with bills all with someone they actually enjoy being around.

 

Either way you will just have to see if your daughter's pass your litmus test as life goes on.

 

You do know that the majority of ow aren't just in it for the money, and that those who are often end up regretting it later?

 

If it's as simple as a young woman exploring her sexuality, then why are so many ow coming on here and expressing their pain? Why are so. Many hurt? Why are their hearts broken?

 

Personally,I think that it's a wonderful thing to teach your daughters and sons too that they are worth more than being someone's piece on the side,that they have value to them beyond having sex for money and that sex is one our greatest gifts. It's the ultimate bonding experience and to not give it away ( or sell it to some lech with a bit of money to blow).

 

All this "sugar " crap is doing in denigrating women and taking that chance to learn just how precious they are away from them at an age when they are still finding out who they are.

 

If teaching my daughters to value themselves makes me a bad parent, so be it.

[Lady2163]

I wanted to add...the ones at risk are those who for whatever reason never have a date in high school and desperately want to be dating. The ones at risk are the ones who don't have friends or social activites. Sadly, if a teen is babysitting they are probably free on weekend nights. (I've known quite a few kids from this generation of high school students who really are too busy with work, school, athletics to date, but go in groups).

[chelsea2011]

Perhaps this is a question that is more appropriate for a therapist?

Edited February 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaylorLane]

If you want to raise awareness, IMO, the best thing you can do is describe the characteristics of a MM to your daughters. Tell them the things they say, the things they'll do, the great lengths of persuasion they'll go to...

 

 

Tell them the typical lies they say to manipulate:

 

 

"I have one foot out of the door already"

"I'm in the process of ending it"

"We already sleep in separate rooms"

etc.....etc...

 

 

Tell them the things they will say to woo:

 

 

"You're unlike anyone I've ever met"

"You're an amazing and beautiful person"

 

 

the list goes on and on...

 

 

AND last but not least, I read this from another member on the forum post that people ARE where they WANT to be. No matter how "miserable" someone says they are, they are not the victim they claim to be. If it were true, they wouldn't be there and wouldn't be married!! So also forewarn about the "I'm a miserable victim" card.

 

 

Tell them these things!!! Because it is THESE THINGS they need to be aware of.

 

 

It's being naïve that comes back to bite you in the ass. They don't say "knowledge is power" for no reason.

[rumbleseat]

I think you took what I said a little personal and are obviously a religious person.

 

If you think "sugar" is being a piece on the side for a couple $$ dollars, well that would be prostitution/escorting not a balanced sugar relationship.

 

 

Wrong!

 

I am a card carrying agnostic, and always have been. One doesn't have to be religious to value themselves and their sexuality.

[Speakingofwhich]

At the age of 14 or 15 (can't remember) the principal (in his 30s) of my high school called me into his office, closed the door and tried to seduce me. I had a boyfriend at the time and had dated a couple of others but hadn't kissed a boy yet.

 

Looking back I can see how he had tried to groom me for this encounter with a lot of extra attention in the months prior, but at the time I hadn't realized that the attention he was giving me was preparation to seduce me.

 

When he did this it was very awkward and embarrassing for me. I didn't know what to do so I pulled away and looked away.

 

I didn't tell my parents or anyone else about what happened because I wanted to forget it.

 

A few years after that happened I began to be approached by other MMs and this has continued throughout my life.

 

I eventually became involved with an MM later in life. But, said no to plenty of them before becoming involved.

 

Imho at some point in their lives your girls will probably have to make a decision as to whether or not they'll become involved with an MM since there are all categories (MMs, stalkers, etc.) of men out there approaching women inappropriately, sadly. It will be their decision as to the choices they make. I mention stalkers as I've had three (have taken them all to court) and two of them were single men I had dated. The other was a MM who was a stranger to me. Point being that all women need to be cautious in many different types of situations, not just with MM.

 

From the way you describe your girls, they're well prepared to deal with these situations.

[Speakingofwhich]

She has an extremely high moral code, but I am not sure that will necessarily protect from that which she doesn't know.

 

It seems that since she has a high moral code and is intelligent if (when) she is approached by an MM she will immediately recognize it for what it is.

[MissBee]

I have a question directed to young OW (maybe less than 25 years old) - either current or past OW.

 

I have two college-aged daughters. They are beautiful girls - inside and out - and great students. Neither of them is "experienced" when it comes to dating - either sexually or emotionally. They both have a lot of exposure to older men (professors, bosses, teachers' assistants, etc.). They know about their father's affair and have said that they would never be an OW. I would imagine that most of the young OW on this site never imagined that they would be an OW as well.

 

So, in an effort to raise my daughters' awareness of the dangers of an affair with a MM, I want to know the following: 1) your parents' view of adultery (i.e. did either parent have an affair or think that they were no big deal); 2) how did you meet your MM; 3) before you had sex with the MM, did you ever consider his family and the hurt that the affair may cause them; and 4) were you experienced (sexually or emotionally) with dating before you engaged in the affair?

 

I would appreciate responses from only young OW or older OW who were about college age when they began/had an affair with a MM.

 

I was college-aged when my A started, but he wasn't married though, but did have a LTR and a child with her.

 

My dad was/is a serial cheater and my mom continuously took him back.

 

Our A was long distance and a host of other things, where at first I didn't realize he was in a relationship when it started and when I realized the truth, I was already in love and caught up and told myself we lived far apart anyway and nothing would happen so it was all harmless. The first time we slept together I did think of how bad the reality of things were but he compartmentalized a lot and the fact that he wasn't married, they didn't live together anymore because she worked out of town and also the fact that I didn't live in the same place as him made it easier for it to be out of sight and out of mind and I looked at it differently. I felt at the time that I wasn't hurting his family or anything, as she didn't live with him so I wasn't cutting into her time and I figured the time he spent with me would be divided in the same way as if he were a single father dating.

 

I wasn't sexually experienced (was actually a virgin but I did do other things except penetration) but I was always mature and had dated around to understand enough about men and relationships so I don't really feel like my age made me more susceptible, I think any woman at any age who wasn't particularly vigilant could have been caught up in this as well. Curious: why do you think they aren't experienced? I am not sure of what my mom would have assumed or said about me, but my mom wasn't AT ALL privy to what I did or didn't do with men really. Do they not go out on dates ever? Have they had bfs or talked about guys? It is possible that they're wiser about these things than you think. As a parent all you can do at the point that they're young adults is hope that you've raised them right, talk to them and be there for support. Were they super sheltered? Because if not, I don't think in this day and age they would be that naive to such things.

 

College is a time for all kinds of exploration but I don't think the majority of college girls get into affairs with MM. Their father's affair will likely affect them when it comes on to trusting guys their own age and so on more so than it will lead them to their own affair with an older MM if anything. Curious about how the answers to this will help them, what do you hope to tell them based on these responses?

Edited February 24, 2014 by MissBee

[rumbleseat]

Seems like a lot of women have been approached by married men when they were younger.

 

I also know that some girls have really traumatic sexual/ relationships when they are young, and a lot of them are too scared, embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it openly. I hope this is changing, as it can have long lasting effects on the rest of their life.

[krazikat]

I think the "issue" here is more YOURS and LESS your daughters.

 

For you, hardest for parents - myself included, its time to step back and let them go. The morals and virtues and ethos and work ethic and all else that one can learn from parents has been learned. Your role as "active" parent is over. They are adults and their lives are theirs to make.

 

I'm actually more concerned for YOU than them.

 

Are YOU ok?

 

I completely disagree with this. You never stop being an "active parent" no matter how old your kids get you will mentor and teach and discuss and guide etc. I am concerned about you that you would actually be concerned about a parent concerned for their kids headed to college and trying to prepare them. It never ends. Being a parent is for life. You can tell your kids what to do but you can always offer guidence and love.

Edited February 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rumbleseat]

Just because someone chooses to have sex with someone for reasons other than marriage, longterm relationship, etc doesn't mean they don't value themselves either.

 

We are human and sex doesn't have to be this ethereal bonding experience it can be simple for the fun of it!!

 

Card carrying agontic is quasi religious in the sense there is a belief in something just not sure what.....not to be confused with athiest.

 

Quibbler !

 

Of course sex can be fun, but take a look at all the threads on here written by ow who are hurting. Do a little looking at other sites and you'll see more stories from ow and om who are hurting.

 

Does any of that seem worth it? That seems to be the point of the thread. How can one help teach their daughters and sons to avoid that kind of pain. One is way is to teach them to value themselves and their sexuality more than to simply be someone's "side dish", to teach them that they deserve to be someone's one and only, that they are worthy of not just being some one top romantic priority but their only romantic priority. That their sexuality is not simply a commodity to be bought and sold.

 

In a lot of ways, it's no different than teaching them to value themselves enough that they'll. hopefully walk away from a partner who is starting to show the signs of being abusive.

[yellowmaverick]

I wanted to add...the ones at risk are those who for whatever reason never have a date in high school and desperately want to be dating. The ones at risk are the ones who don't have friends or social activites. Sadly, if a teen is babysitting they are probably free on weekend nights. (I've known quite a few kids from this generation of high school students who really are too busy with work, school, athletics to date, but go in groups).

 

 

My daughters did not date much in high school, and still don't, out of choice. School work, jobs, and hanging out with buddies all come first. They have lots of guy friends, but neither has ever had one that she calls a boyfriend, longer than a couple of weeks anyway. They have both struggled over the past couple of years over the revelation of their dad's affair. I think this has made them both somewhat distrustful, but I am wondering if it has made them somewhat vulnerable as well.

[yellowmaverick]

I was college-aged when my A started, but he wasn't married though, but did have a LTR and a child with her.

 

My dad was/is a serial cheater and my mom continuously took him back.

 

Our A was long distance and a host of other things, where at first I didn't realize he was in a relationship when it started and when I realized the truth, I was already in love and caught up and told myself we lived far apart anyway and nothing would happen so it was all harmless. The first time we slept together I did think of how bad the reality of things were but he compartmentalized a lot and the fact that he wasn't married, they didn't live together anymore because she worked out of town and also the fact that I didn't live in the same place as him made it easier for it to be out of sight and out of mind and I looked at it differently. I felt at the time that I wasn't hurting his family or anything, as she didn't live with him so I wasn't cutting into her time and I figured the time he spent with me would be divided in the same way as if he were a single father dating.

 

I wasn't sexually experienced (was actually a virgin but I did do other things except penetration) but I was always mature and had dated around to understand enough about men and relationships so I don't really feel like my age made me more susceptible, I think any woman at any age who wasn't particularly vigilant could have been caught up in this as well. Curious: why do you think they aren't experienced? I am not sure of what my mom would have assumed or said about me, but my mom wasn't AT ALL privy to what I did or didn't do with men really. Do they not go out on dates ever? Have they had bfs or talked about guys? It is possible that they're wiser about these things than you think. As a parent all you can do at the point that they're young adults is hope that you've raised them right, talk to them and be there for support. Were they super sheltered? Because if not, I don't think in this day and age they would be that naive to such things.

 

College is a time for all kinds of exploration but I don't think the majority of college girls get into affairs with MM. Their father's affair will likely affect them when it comes on to trusting guys their own age and so on more so than it will lead them to their own affair with an older MM if anything. Curious about how the answers to this will help them, what do you hope to tell them based on these responses?

 

My daughter's were not "super sheltered". On the contrary - because we talk about everything, they are more aware of things. They have close relatives who are alcoholics and who have gotten unintentionally pregnant out of wedlock, so we have talked exhaustively about all of these issues. I am the parent who has had all of the discussions about birth control, even with my sons. I was pretty wild when I was in high school and college, so I am highly aware of what goes on. I would not expect that my daughters share everything with me, but you would be pretty surprised at what they do share. We talk almost every day. I wanted them to feel that they could talk to me about anything, if they choose to.

 

So, no, I didn't ask my questions because my girls are sheltered, but I don't believe that every young girl who gets involved with a MM is sheltered. I was asking because I was wondering how a young girl gets involved with a MM. I was wondering if they recognize the danger before it's too late.

 

Because of the hurt they experienced from their dad's affair, they are adamant they will never be an OW. But as I said in my first post, I am sure that most young women who became OW felt that way as well.

 

I recognize that at some point my daughter's' lives and choices are their own. But as a mom, I will never stop talking with them and will never stop worrying about them. That's what moms do.

[yellowmaverick]

I am an OW now, and this is my second time. I'm older than 25, so I hope you don't mind that I am responding.

 

First time I was an OW, I was 31.

 

1) I was raised in a strict Christian home. My parents view of adultery has always been that it is forbidden, one of the worst things that can happen, and I would probably be written out of the will if they were to find out that I am and have been an OW.

 

2) I met the first guy on a message board just like this one. He started private messaging me. We lived in different cities, and he was going to help me find a job in the city where he lived. We started sharing and talking more. He came to city where I lived, and we decided to meet in person. We were chatting inappropriately over the phone and sharing pictures before we met in person. The second guy is someone I met through work. Our A is an EA. The first guy told me he was living in the same apartment as his W until her job contract ended. Then they would go their separate ways. The second guy hid the fact that he has a gf until months into the situation.

 

3) Only had sex with the first one. Second one is Emotional. Yes I considered his W's feelings, and he assured me their marriage was over it was more of a business partnership until her job contract ended.

 

4) No with the first one. Yes with the second one.

 

Both situations basically blindsided me because I was so naive and inexperienced. I did not know what love was, and I wanted to feel love so desperately (especially with the first situation). So, with the first man, I trusted everything he would tell me. I found out they were all lies when his W called me. She found out and had him give her my number. He tried to come back to me many times, and I would not have anything to do with him. The second guy got to me emotionally. I have fallen in love with him. I have really tried to leave, but I have not had the willpower yet.

 

Thanks for sharing. I hope you find the strength to leave him and have the kind of relationship you truly want.

[yellowmaverick]

I am also older than 25 (I hope you don't mind that I am answering) but I only recently finished medical school and was also completely inexperienced when I had my affair, so I wanted to reply. If you wanted to read about the s.hitstorm I got myself into, my thread is here.

 

1) we have never talked about it but I imagine they would be anti-adultery and I know for a fact that my mom would kill me if she ever found out what I did

 

2) at work; we are both residents.

 

3) I thought about his wife and always felt bad about it... except when he was around. I wanted him more than anything and was too "high" ocn how he made me feel to stop. Even more so because I had never been in a relationship before, was a virgin at the time, etc.

 

4) I was a total newbie. I was a really good student in school, studied really hard, and while I have the job to show it, I also had zero experience with men. I was curious and I wanted it and I just clung to the first person who I had chemistry with and who showed me affection.

 

Like many OW here, I never ever expected to do this. But I did. The external validation is just too great. I know a handful of intelligent and beautiful women in real life who have allowed themselves to get caught up in the fog -- these are all people that I would never expect to have affairs but ... it is such a slippery slope. Boundaries get crossed "in the moment". I forced NC and am healing, but it really hasn't been easy because he was my first everything. But I am glad I made such a huge mistake early on because I learned my lesson and am never doing anything like this again.

 

Your #4 point sounds a lot like my oldest. She works hard and studies hard - too hard ,IMO. Unlike you, however, my daughter knows a lot about infidelity. She has asked me and her father some good questions about how it "happens". I just wonder if it's enough.

[yellowmaverick]

It seems that since she has a high moral code and is intelligent if (when) she is approached by an MM she will immediately recognize it for what it is.

 

Maybe. That was the whole point of my questions.