Author Lady2163 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 The thing is, after reading your posts on other threads, it seems you have had multiple affairs prior to this. You need to figure out why you think this is the best way to manage your life. It's sad. Yes. From age 16 to 23 I was the OW numerous times. I make no secret of that.
Snipercatt Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Lady, it does suck. And, I don't find your method strange. We cope the best we can.
Ailsa1983 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Why are you so concerned about his happiness when your own happiness is non existent because of this man ? You say he wants you to meet someone and be happy, in other words he's saying he will sleep with you until you find someone else then he can go back and play happy husband. He's not your friend if he was your friend he wouldn't let you hurt like this. You say he will back off if you have someone else ? To me he has a very low opinion of you to do that! I'm not trying to be hurtful here but you must let him go completely and start living your life! You cannot and will not do this if you are in contact even if you do tell him you are seeing someone else, you will eventually tell him you aren't when you crave for him. Do you want to feel like this for another 7 years ? Really ask yourself that.
Author Lady2163 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Why are you so concerned about his happiness when your own happiness is non existent because of this man ? You say he wants you to meet someone and be happy, in other words he's saying he will sleep with you until you find someone else then he can go back and play happy husband. He's not your friend if he was your friend he wouldn't let you hurt like this. You say he will back off if you have someone else ? To me he has a very low opinion of you to do that! I'm not trying to be hurtful here but you must let him go completely and start living your life! You cannot and will not do this if you are in contact even if you do tell him you are seeing someone else, you will eventually tell him you aren't when you crave for him. Do you want to feel like this for another 7 years ? Really ask yourself that. I know it must seem strange to you, but I'm not unhappy in the friendship. I'm unhappy with the prospect of ending it. I've been treated a lot worse by the single men I've dated. I'd like to find a single man who treats me like FWB does. Since you aren't going to understand that, it may help to know you just don't have all the details. All the details are impossible to explain on here. No contact won't work. That advice is useless. No, I'm not being nasty to you as an individual when I say that. It's just how many times have I already said, NC won't work? People will keep suggesting it, because they "think" it is best or maybe it actually worked for them when they did it. IT WILL NOT WORK FOR ME OR HIM.
Ailsa1983 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I know it must seem strange to you, but I'm not unhappy in the friendship. I'm unhappy with the prospect of ending it. I've been treated a lot worse by the single men I've dated. I'd like to find a single man who treats me like FWB does. Since you aren't going to understand that, it may help to know you just don't have all the details. All the details are impossible to explain on here. No contact won't work. That advice is useless. No, I'm not being nasty to you as an individual when I say that. It's just how many times have I already said, NC won't work? People will keep suggesting it, because they "think" it is best or maybe it actually worked for them when they did it. IT WILL NOT WORK FOR ME OR HIM. I understand more than you know What if you start a new relationship at some point and your bf asks you to discontinue speaking with MM as he does not feel it is healthy for your new relationship ? What then? Would you sacrifice your happiness then for a man you will never have ?
MissBee Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) Lady, I hope you don't mind providing clarification. I do remember once asking you a similar question because I wasn't sure, based on how you describe your relationship, what it really was i.e. an affair where you consider him your bf and treat him as such in every sense of the word or a more casual FWB where you're not that emotionally attached. It seems now that although you're calling him a FWB, the depression and all of that that you seem to be feeling, from what I understand a FWB relationship to be anyway, seems extreme. I mean I don't believe in FWB generally, I believe you can have a fccck budy or acquaintance with benefits but "friends"...that most often is a convoluted thing that leads to more heartache than anything else. Can you say more about the nature of things with you two and what role he fills that if you cut that out you will be so extremely depressed? Depression is a terrible thing and I'm trying to understand what may be causing it and if its other things in your life, as it seems if someone is just a FWB then yes cutting it off still isn't fun and there is withdrawal but generally it doesn't seem like it would result in extreme depression, as the implication of FWB is usually that you're not that invested in it (although again I actually do not believe most FWB labels as they usually imply casual while the participants actually invest just as much as anyone else but think naming it otherwise changes the score). I know you said NC won't work for you, so how do you plan on interacting with him henceforth? How will the communication patterns change to reflect that you're ending things? NC won't work for you if you don't think it will. Period. As it is a choice you make everyday and NC is not a piece of cake for most people, but with time it does become easier and it helps you to form new habits and replace your habit of relying on this person for your emotional needs. So I am just concerned and actually asking a practical question about how you think you will detach or interact with him in a way that makes it obvious things have ended if NC isn't an option? Edited February 24, 2014 by MissBee
Author Lady2163 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 I understand more than you know What if you start a new relationship at some point and your bf asks you to discontinue speaking with MM as he does not feel it is healthy for your new relationship ? What then? Would you sacrifice your happiness then for a man you will never have ? I don't talk about my past relationships. I'm 44, almost 45. It's been a wild ride, but what happened before I met someone is my business and in the past. As is his. Also, I was in the military. I have military buddies, some I've had sex with, some I haven't. I'm not going to quit talking to them or being in contact with them because boyfriend has a problem with it. Nor would I have any trouble if he stayed in touch with women from his past. But, where it can be troublesome and has been is if boyfriend lets previous women interfere with our relationship. I've had that happen to me and I've seen it happen to friends. That shows a sign of being still involved. There are some true dramas. Hospitalization. Death. Victim of crime. Children being taken away. But, real men (and women) give comfort to friends without blowing up a relationship. When I was younger, I felt the need to tell-all. I don't anymore. In real life, I don't focus in the past much. In some ways, I'm very future driven. On here I talk about it a lot more.
Author Lady2163 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Lady, I hope you don't mind providing clarification. I do remember once asking you a similar question because I wasn't sure, based on how you describe your relationship, what it really was i.e. an affair where you consider him your bf and treat him as such in every sense of the word or a more casual FWB where you're not that emotionally attached. It seems now that although you're calling him a FWB, the depression and all of that that you seem to be feeling, from what I understand a FWB relationship to be anyway, seems extreme. I mean I don't believe in FWB generally, I believe you can have a fccck budy or acquaintance with benefits but "friends"...that most often is a convoluted thing that leads to more heartache than anything else. Can you say more about the nature of things with you two and what role he fills that if you cut that out you will be so extremely depressed? Depression is a terrible thing and I'm trying to understand what may be causing it and if its other things in your life, as it seems if someone is just a FWB then yes cutting it off still isn't fun and there is withdrawal but generally it doesn't seem like it would result in extreme depression, as the implication of FWB is usually that you're not that invested in it (although again I actually do not believe most FWB labels as they usually imply casual while the participants actually invest just as much as anyone else but think naming it otherwise changes the score). I know you said NC won't work for you, so how do you plan on interacting with him henceforth? How will the communication patterns change to reflect that you're ending things? NC won't work for you if you don't think it will. Period. As it is a choice you make everyday and NC is not a piece of cake for most people, but with time it does become easier and it helps you to form new habits and replace your habit of relying on this person for your emotional needs. So I am just concerned and actually asking a practical question about how you think you will detach or interact with him in a way that makes it obvious things have ended if NC isn't an option? I call it FWB, because to me a relationship is something else. So many on here are in a relationship where the Married is going to leave spouse and they will be together, they are in love. That isn't how our situation has been I'm starting the process of letting a good friend go, because it is best for him. My focus when I say FWB is on the F. Have you ever lost a best (or good) friend through a fight and just quit talking to them out of anger? Once you get over the anger, there are times you still miss them and the good memories are bittersweet. I've had that happen enough times (truly, not my fault...except I failed to see flaws in them). I did have it happen where a boyfriend broke up with me and two weeks later my best friend starting dating him. She had listened to me be miserable for two weeks. When I asked her not to do this, not to start a relationship with him her answer was, "he likes me more than he liked you. You need to get over it.". I never thought after 20 years of friendship that her desperate loneliness for a man would make it okay for her to justify stealing mine (they hadn't had sex yet, but ending things with me was done so he could be with her). 14 years later...and two failed marriages to two different men, my former friend still floats in and out of my life. The last time she actually got mad and huffed away because I flat-out refused to introduce her to the man I was currently dating. What happened before...and is happening now, even today as I type this, is a draw down of communication. We have roughly a nine hour window each day to talk and four of those hours are gone. That rarely happens. So, it is a loss of a friend, a kindred spirit of sorts...and a lifestyle pattern change that I am adjusting to. Oh...and if you understand the humor behind this... I'm dieting and I quit smoking 13 days ago. I think I am looking for ways to be a masochist. I know my body is under stress and now I'm putting my mind under stress. No food, no nicotine, I gave up sodapop a year ago and now no rewarding sex. I should start drinking or gambling.
rumbleseat Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I don't talk about my past relationships. I'm 44, almost 45. It's been a wild ride, but what happened before I met someone is my business and in the past. As is his. Also, I was in the military. I have military buddies, some I've had sex with, some I haven't. I'm not going to quit talking to them or being in contact with them because boyfriend has a problem with it. Nor would I have any trouble if he stayed in touch with women from his past. But, where it can be troublesome and has been is if boyfriend lets previous women interfere with our relationship. I've had that happen to me and I've seen it happen to friends. That shows a sign of being still involved. There are some true dramas. Hospitalization. Death. Victim of crime. Children being taken away. But, real men (and women) give comfort to friends without blowing up a relationship. When I was younger, I felt the need to tell-all. I don't anymore. In real life, I don't focus in the past much. In some ways, I'm very future driven. On here I talk about it a lot more. You may not like this question, but I can't help but ask. What happened to you to make you so jaded? To make you think it's okay to lie to your friend? What kind of friend do you have to lie you to keep him in your life? One final question. Who hurt you so much that you are so afraid to get close to someone, not just Fwb or a friend who doesn't even know your middle name. What are you so afraid of, being hurt again?
Author Lady2163 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 You may not like this question, but I can't help but ask. What happened to you to make you so jaded? To make you think it's okay to lie to your friend? What kind of friend do you have to lie you to keep him in your life? One final question. Who hurt you so much that you are so afraid to get close to someone, not just Fwb or a friend who doesn't even know your middle name. What are you so afraid of, being hurt again? Life made me jaded. Military service during wartime. Law enforcement work, social services work. People tell lies all the time. Some lies are for the greater good. It isn't just one person, it is a combination of many. I was seduced at age 16. I was very naive. I was maybe as mature as a 12 year old on today's standards. That MM had me convinced I would be in a lot of trouble if I ever told. My parents shouldn't have stressed the need to obey adults at all times and not talk back. That is how it was then. That warped some previously formed morals for a few years. I got married. By a conservative standard I cheated in my marriage. By my standard, I was separated and getting a divorce when i had the money. It took three times to separate. Ex-husband let me down time and time again on some very important issues. He was very selfish. He was very neglectful. After ex-husband there were a series of boyfriends who hit me up for money and then ended the relationship. One was incredibly verbally abusive and manipulative. Some may have cheated, some I know cheated. It took years to quit giving off the "victim vibe". One definite way to advertise you are a victim is to talk about negative relationships from your past. Unknowingly I was letting future losers know what I would and wouldn't tolerate.
rumbleseat Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Life made me jaded. Military service during wartime. Law enforcement work, social services work. People tell lies all the time. Some lies are for the greater good. It isn't just one person, it is a combination of many. I was seduced at age 16. I was very naive. I was maybe as mature as a 12 year old on today's standards. That MM had me convinced I would be in a lot of trouble if I ever told. My parents shouldn't have stressed the need to obey adults at all times and not talk back. That is how it was then. That warped some previously formed morals for a few years. I got married. By a conservative standard I cheated in my marriage. By my standard, I was separated and getting a divorce when i had the money. It took three times to separate. Ex-husband let me down time and time again on some very important issues. He was very selfish. He was very neglectful. After ex-husband there were a series of boyfriends who hit me up for money and then ended the relationship. One was incredibly verbally abusive and manipulative. Some may have cheated, some I know cheated. It took years to quit giving off the "victim vibe". One definite way to advertise you are a victim is to talk about negative relationships from your past. Unknowingly I was letting future losers know what I would and wouldn't tolerate. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It sounds like you had a difficult time of things.
Goodbye Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I call it FWB, because to me a relationship is something else. So many on here are in a relationship where the Married is going to leave spouse and they will be together, they are in love. That isn't how our situation has been I'm starting the process of letting a good friend go, because it is best for him. My focus when I say FWB is on the F. Have you ever lost a best (or good) friend through a fight and just quit talking to them out of anger? Once you get over the anger, there are times you still miss them and the good memories are bittersweet. I've had that happen enough times (truly, not my fault...except I failed to see flaws in them). I did have it happen where a boyfriend broke up with me and two weeks later my best friend starting dating him. She had listened to me be miserable for two weeks. When I asked her not to do this, not to start a relationship with him her answer was, "he likes me more than he liked you. You need to get over it.". I never thought after 20 years of friendship that her desperate loneliness for a man would make it okay for her to justify stealing mine (they hadn't had sex yet, but ending things with me was done so he could be with her). 14 years later...and two failed marriages to two different men, my former friend still floats in and out of my life. The last time she actually got mad and huffed away because I flat-out refused to introduce her to the man I was currently dating. What happened before...and is happening now, even today as I type this, is a draw down of communication. We have roughly a nine hour window each day to talk and four of those hours are gone. That rarely happens. So, it is a loss of a friend, a kindred spirit of sorts...and a lifestyle pattern change that I am adjusting to. Oh...and if you understand the humor behind this... I'm dieting and I quit smoking 13 days ago. I think I am looking for ways to be a masochist. I know my body is under stress and now I'm putting my mind under stress. No food, no nicotine, I gave up sodapop a year ago and now no rewarding sex. I should start drinking or gambling. I'm glad you can still have a sense of humor.
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