I started the process to end

[Lady2163]

I laid the groundwork right before Valentines Day.

 

Background...I have been a single OW to a long distance married FWB for seven years. In the last few months it has really started to worry me about everything he will lose if we are caught. I need to let him go...and the most painless way for him is if I meet someone else and move on...I tried legitimately meeting someone else and that failed. So, now I am inventing someone. I have tried joining a singles group in a city over an hour away. My hope is to really meet someone when the weather is nicer and they schedule more activities.

 

I saw him this last weekend. He believes that I am dating two someone else's. He thinks I REALLY like one of them.

 

I told him, "I won't be back for quite a while." He's not able to travel to me 99% of the time.

 

The next avilable time is April 9th, when he is in my area. It...uh...will be a bad time of the month for any sex.

 

I made a couple of comments about things ending. They seemed to go over his head. This is a busy time, a crunch time of year for him.

 

I was pretty sad as I roamed around the city I used to get lost in regularly 7 years ago. Everything seemed to have a connection or inside story.

 

He doesn't exactly know that I am ending things. The foundation is laid. Next step is to convincingly start a relationship with one of the imaginary guys I'm dating. I'm really not an accomplished liar and I dropped the ball a couple of times when the invisible new men were mentioned. It is a lot harder than I thought to pretend to have someone.

 

Needless to say, I'm depressed as hell. I think I've been out of bed maybe 60 minutes tops in 24 hours.

 

Communication is already at LC because he isn't available to talk and text when with family....nights and weekends. We maybe talk four days during the week. I predict this will drop further until we just phase out.

 

This is the best thing for him. This no longer compromises everything he has worked for financially, occupation, community standing in the last 30 years. If I invent a new boyfriend and go away, he isn't putting everything on the line for great sex.

 

Totally sucks rocks for me.

[rumbleseat]

Okay, maybe I am too dense to see it, but why can't you just say to him that it's over, explain why and tell him that you wish to be left alone, that you do not welcome any future contact.

 

Why all's this drama and lies around ending it? That makes no sense to me at all. In fact, it seems really weird.

[Speakingofwhich]

This is the best thing for him. Was going to write, "But, is it the best thing for you? Then I read this:

 

Totally sucks rocks for me.

 

Lady, I'm with rumbleseat. Why not tell him the truth? Imho, you'll regret lying to him more as time goes by. And it will get harder and harder to admit the truth to him. And some day you'll look back and really wish you'd told him the truth.

 

You know the saying, "Oh, what a tangled web...." Do you think you are weaving and things are getting more tangled up than ever?

[Lady2163]

I'm not going to be up for a lot of detail questioning or nit picking. Which, I don't think you're trying to do rumble and SoW, but those who follow you surely will.

 

This has been a friendship. I don't want that to end. He will back off if I say I have met someone.

 

If I tell him the real why...I'm going to have to be too strong when he says, "it is my choice to put that at risk..." Also, I don't want to nurse my ego any more than I have to when he doesn't try to risk it.

 

I'm 44. I've been single and alone for 11 years. I've probably just experienced my last orgasm with another person for a very long time. I'm trying to do the right thing for him. Could we not get hung up on how I'm doing it?

[rumbleseat]

The thing is that if you end your A with a concocted story, then any friendship that remains will be built on lies. Isn't that an awfully disrespectful way to treat a friend?

 

If he is a really good friend, and has your best interests at heart, the how can he not respect your wishes? Why does this have to end the friendship? In fact, it would close the door to any further romantic illusions on his part.

[Lady2163]

The thing is that if you end your A with a concocted story, then any friendship that remains will be built on lies. Isn't that an awfully disrespectful way to treat a friend?

 

If he is a really good friend, and has your best interests at heart, the how can he not respect your wishes? Why does this have to end the friendship? In fact, it would close the door to any further romantic illusions on his part.

 

Well, when all else fails, I guess you're just going to have to trust me when I say this is the most effective way for it to end. It doesn't matter how many details I give you, because you are stuck that it isn't how you would or wouldn't do it.

[PurpleCardigan]

Lady2163,

 

Yes, it does suck rocks. As a former single OW, but for less than a year, not 7 like you it really does stink. Everything just stinks especially the memories, the special places, the inside jokes, hearing his voice, etc.

 

Nevertheless, congratulations on taking the first steps to end it! That takes a lot of strength! One of the things that I hold to is to find what works for you. So if creating a boyfriend or two is a good solution then continue with it -- until it doesn't work anymore. Just be open minded if it isn't working for you.

 

Based on my experience I would say, though, that friends doesn't work afterwards. I thought so, too. In fact I was the one who asked for it, as I was sure that we would be "different" from everyone else. Our friendship in the immediate aftermath of our relationship turned very quickly into an emotional affair. I didn't know that term at the time, but we were each others' primary emotional support system with plenty of sexual tension/flirting/borderline sexting going on. And of course, I was still a secret. For me that friendship, it made it impossible to find someone new -- I too wanted to date a great single guy and move on with my life -- as I was still emotionally attached to my ex. In my mind, my ex was giving me hope and mixed messages although in our last conversation he denied it while saying "if I end my marriage, I'll find you...but don't wait." I've temporarily put off dating until I fix myself a little bit.

 

But based on my experience I'd encourage you to have an open mind to maintaining a friendship and pull the plug, if and when, it no longer works for you. I hope that it does, since you seem to want to remain friends! Just be careful of an emotional affair and if, at any time, the friendship with MM keeps you from being emotionally available for someone new.

 

Despite how I, internally, fought it, ending all contact, including all work contact (I now go through someone else to send him work related messages) has helped me to move on emotionally from him. I'll always have a little part of me that loves him and remembers him fondly but the door is closed. It sucks and it hurts like h*ll but it is the best for me. I have plenty of cr*ppy days even though I know this is for the best. Do what works for you...hang in there and seek professional help if needed to transition to dating available men.

 

Please take care of yourself...get out of bed and focus on you! You wrote that this was "best for him". Please find what is best for YOU! All the trite things did help me...getting out, exercising, taking classes, meeting friends, focusing on my work, eating right, getting good sleep, etc. I reached out for a ton of support from my friends as it ended. I was in counseling with a therapist which really helped, and still helps me. All of my friends knew about him, there was no secrecy on my part -- so maybe that helped a bit to ward off depression.

 

Good luck and hang in there!

Edited February 23, 2014 by PurpleCardigan
added additional throughts

[Lady2163]

Lady2163,

 

Yes, it does suck rocks. As a former single OW, but for less than a year, not 7 like you it really does stink. Everything just stinks especially the memories, the special places, the inside jokes, hearing his voice, etc.

 

Nevertheless, congratulations on taking the first steps to end it! That takes a lot of strength! One of the things that I hold to is to find what works for you. So if creating a boyfriend or two is a good solution then continue with it -- until it doesn't work anymore. Just be open minded if it isn't working for you.

 

Based on my experience I would say, though, that friends doesn't work afterwards. I thought so, too. In fact I was the one who asked for it, as I was sure that we would be "different" from everyone else. Our friendship in the immediate aftermath of our relationship turned very quickly into an emotional affair. I didn't know that term at the time, but we were each others' primary emotional support system with plenty of sexual tension/flirting/borderline sexting going on. And of course, I was still a secret. For me that friendship, it made it impossible to find someone new -- I too wanted to date a great single guy and move on with my life -- as I was still emotionally attached to my ex. In my mind, my ex was giving me hope and mixed messages although in our last conversation he denied it while saying "if I end my marriage, I'll find you...but don't wait." I've temporarily put off dating until I fix myself a little bit.

 

But based on my experience I'd encourage you to have an open mind to maintaining a friendship and pull the plug, if and when, it no longer works for you. I hope that it does, since you seem to want to remain friends! Just be careful of an emotional affair and if, at any time, the friendship with MM keeps you from being emotionally available for someone new.

 

Despite how I, internally, fought it, ending all contact, including all work contact (I now go through someone else to send him work related messages) has helped me to move on emotionally from him. I'll always have a little part of me that loves him and remembers him fondly but the door is closed. It sucks and it hurts like h*ll but it is the best for me. I have plenty of cr*ppy days even though I know this is for the best. Do what works for you...hang in there and seek professional help if needed to transition to dating available men.

 

Please take care of yourself...get out of bed and focus on you! You wrote that this was "best for him". Please find what is best for YOU! All the trite things did help me...getting out, exercising, taking classes, meeting friends, focusing on my work, eating right, getting good sleep, etc. I reached out for a ton of support from my friends as it ended. I was in counseling with a therapist which really helped, and still helps me. All of my friends knew about him, there was no secrecy on my part -- so maybe that helped a bit to ward off depression.

 

Good luck and hang in there!

 

PC.....thanks so much. I really appreciate your time and support.

 

Because of communication restrictions I'm not sure we have an emotional affair going on as well as a physical affair. I do not romantically love him. Somedays I think I have the same kinship with him as with my military buddies. It is a connection, but not an unhealthy one, sort of thing. As I stare at my ceiling, I think not of how miserable I was when my last relationship ended, but of how heartsick I was when a military buddy died.

 

We have the potential to be friends since we are long distance and in no way work related. My prediction is that communication will taper off. I will know it every day for some time to come.

 

I work from home. I am officially tied to the house until March 30. That's a lot of time to sulk. Yea, business is good. But that limits social interaction and working out like I want to.

[whichwayisup]

This has been a friendship. I don't want that to end. He will back off if I say I have met someone.

 

But he won't back off if you say "I can't be the OW anymore, please respect my wishes and give me time and space, don't call or write me for a while." ?

 

Lying to him that you're dating one or two others and falling for one of them is not a good idea and it'll come back and bite you. Why lie? IF this is a true friendship and the respect and care is there, then you should be able to talk to him and be completely honest.

[PurpleCardigan]

Lady,

 

It sounds like you've thought this out ... that's good. Just find something you can do besides sulk...watch trashy TV, read, listen to happy music, immerse yourself in work, take a hot bath, cook amazing and complicated meals, something to stop sulking. But I do know, easier said then done

 

I never understood the fade out in some of my more casual dating relationships, but after ex MM, I do get it. It can help the transition. As ex and I faded a bit we went from constant contact, to me asking for a break to work on myself which led to communication bombardment that was very tough, to LC to NC. I would be surprised if after 7 years, your MM gives up easily so be prepared for some extreme communication as you pull back. Stay strong! March 30th is only 5 weeks away then you can get out of the house a bit.

[Lady2163]

But he won't back off if you say "I can't be the OW anymore, please respect my wishes and give me time and space, don't call or write me for a while." ?

 

Lying to him that you're dating one or two others and falling for one of them is not a good idea and it'll come back and bite you. Why lie? IF this is a true friendship and the respect and care is there, then you should be able to talk to him and be completely honest.

 

Yes. This is the best way. He won't interfere if he thinks I'm happy. He won't be able to use the line, "it's my choice to make."

 

There's no "good" way for the physical side of the friendship to end for me. This way is best. His own words of wanting me to find someome available and be happy are put to the test. He isn't being rejected in the bedroom, which is a delicate issue for him.

 

We are 200 miles apart. I omit details from my life all the time. Most of them aren't juicy.

[Lady2163]

Lady,

 

It sounds like you've thought this out ... that's good. Just find something you can do besides sulk...watch trashy TV, read, listen to happy music, immerse yourself in work, take a hot bath, cook amazing and complicated meals, something to stop sulking. But I do know, easier said then done

 

I never understood the fade out in some of my more casual dating relationships, but after ex MM, I do get it. It can help the transition. As ex and I faded a bit we went from constant contact, to me asking for a break to work on myself which led to communication bombardment that was very tough, to LC to NC. I would be surprised if after 7 years, your MM gives up easily so be prepared for some extreme communication as you pull back. Stay strong! March 30th is only 5 weeks away then you can get out of the house a bit.

 

I've been trying to predict when he would start the subtle push for me to come there again. I think I'm okay for the five weeks I'm swamped. What I have to watch for is too much emphasis on the chance to meet in April, menstrual cycle or not.

 

He has always said he wants me to meet someone available and who can be there for me. I just have to keep nudging him in that direction. Odd as it may sound, he won't ask me to cheat.

[CarrieT]

So what happens when you have created this imaginary relationship and it doesn't really exist?

 

As a "friend," isn't he going to question that?

[Lady2163]

So what happens when you have created this imaginary relationship and it doesn't really exist?

 

As a "friend," isn't he going to question that?

 

Shrug....it's really not important...he will never know differently.

[chelsea2011]

I laid the groundwork right before Valentines Day.

 

Background...I have been a single OW to a long distance married FWB for seven years. In the last few months it has really started to worry me about everything he will lose if we are caught. I need to let him go...and the most painless way for him is if I meet someone else and move on...I tried legitimately meeting someone else and that failed. So, now I am inventing someone. I have tried joining a singles group in a city over an hour away. My hope is to really meet someone when the weather is nicer and they schedule more activities.

 

I saw him this last weekend. He believes that I am dating two someone else's. He thinks I REALLY like one of them.

 

I told him, "I won't be back for quite a while." He's not able to travel to me 99% of the time.

 

The next avilable time is April 9th, when he is in my area. It...uh...will be a bad time of the month for any sex.

 

I made a couple of comments about things ending. They seemed to go over his head. This is a busy time, a crunch time of year for him.

 

I was pretty sad as I roamed around the city I used to get lost in regularly 7 years ago. Everything seemed to have a connection or inside story.

 

He doesn't exactly know that I am ending things. The foundation is laid. Next step is to convincingly start a relationship with one of the imaginary guys I'm dating. I'm really not an accomplished liar and I dropped the ball a couple of times when the invisible new men were mentioned. It is a lot harder than I thought to pretend to have someone.

 

Needless to say, I'm depressed as hell. I think I've been out of bed maybe 60 minutes tops in 24 hours.

 

Communication is already at LC because he isn't available to talk and text when with family....nights and weekends. We maybe talk four days during the week. I predict this will drop further until we just phase out.

 

This is the best thing for him. This no longer compromises everything he has worked for financially, occupation, community standing in the last 30 years. If I invent a new boyfriend and go away, he isn't putting everything on the line for great sex.

 

Totally sucks rocks for me.

 

Once you do this, what are you going to do to prevent YOURSELF from putting your life at risk again?

[Speakingofwhich]

I'm not going to be up for a lot of detail questioning or nit picking. Which, I don't think you're trying to do rumble and SoW, but those who follow you surely will.

 

I doubt I have followers, Lady. And truly not trying to nit pick or criticize you. My only concern is that I believe this will backfire on you (hurt you).

[Lady2163]

Once you do this, what are you going to do to prevent YOURSELF from putting your life at risk again?

 

Well, joining a convent is out.

 

I don't know yet. Pure and simple.

 

I really have applied to a Christian singles group. They do a lot of activities. I really have had a couple of dates, just not to the extent he believes. I didn't have to invent their names or occupations or what we did for our dates. He doesn't ask much beyond that.

 

I've known my fwb since 1987. We had a one night stand...and then a 20 year "break" no contact, no harm, no foul. We just happened to be at the same social function involving a distant family member.

 

Prior to that...I had been "good" - there had been married men in open marriages but that's another story...for 15 years.

 

I've turned down plenty of married men in my life. Fortunately, not as many as there used to be.

 

I guess I'll go to a swingers party when I get horny if I haven't been able to develop a relationship before I lose my mind to hormones.

[Lady2163]

I doubt I have followers, Lady. And truly not trying to nit pick or criticize you. My only concern is that I believe this will backfire on you (hurt you).

 

Not followers....but the people who post after you...whose post technically "follow" after yours will pick this to death.

 

But here goes....

 

We live 200 miles apart. We are not Facebook friends. We have a distant family connection that is rarely an issue. We have no mutual friends. We do not work together. He only knows what I tell him. He could tell you what town I live in, but not my street. Teasingly last week, I said. "what's my middle name" and he didn't know. He's really not thoughtless, just not as focused as most women are.

 

Our conversations are sometimes raunchy and ornery, but more often...what I call "pulse checks". " How are you? How is your day? What are you working on? How was your night last night? How was your weekend? What are you doing tonight? What did you have for lunch? (seriously, I'm dieting, so I live vicariously through him). What is your schedule for tomorrow? The conversation usually spins off one of those.

 

This is crunch time for him. It took him three days to remember to ask how my new singles meeting went.

 

I have dated a bit in the seven years we've been together. I actually had a three month relationship over a year ago. FWB backed off, was my biggest supporter. No pressure to see me. We probably were down to talking two days a week - and only once on those days rather than multiple times.

 

Then my new friend decided to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. They have a child together. I didn't argue.

 

So, this has worked before when other attempts have failed.

 

Sadly though, if I don't make it through the depressed stage, all I have to do is shrug and say, "it didn't work" and he won't ask any questions.

[chelsea2011]

Good luck then. I hope it works out for you. I still say "yikes" though, but that's my own personal opinion. How he feels in the bedroom isn't your responsibility; he's married. That's between him and his wife really. Just my two cents. I will exit this thread because I don't have any constructive support to offer.

[whichwayisup]

Yes. This is the best way. He won't interfere if he thinks I'm happy. He won't be able to use the line, "it's my choice to make."

 

There's no "good" way for the physical side of the friendship to end for me. This way is best. His own words of wanting me to find someome available and be happy are put to the test. He isn't being rejected in the bedroom, which is a delicate issue for him.

 

We are 200 miles apart. I omit details from my life all the time. Most of them aren't juicy.

 

He won't believe you if you say I will be happier overall if I am no longer your OW? I guess I don't understand the reason to lie to him and why you just can't be honest and open with him. He's a grown man and should be able to handle the truth and respect your decision, what is best for you.

 

Plus it being such a long distance affair, it's not like you both have invested tons of energy and time into one another.

 

Good luck with whatever decision you make to end this...Just hope he respects it.

[Snipercatt]

Just as he feels it is his choice to make regarding all he is risking, that door swings both ways; it is your choice to make that you don't want to be the person with whom he risks it all. However you convey that to him is also your choice.

 

How can we support you?

[SoleMate]

It strikes me that creating phony new relationships is ultimately demeaning to you, and just one more way that you as an OW find herself in a situation of dishonesty that an A leads to. You are your own woman, you don't have to create a cover story to be able and willing to say, "We're done". I think you may feel better about yourself and prouder of your behavior, if you can stand on your own two feet and say that the lies and sneaking are over.

 

If you block MM and use NC fully, it will ultimately be effective in allowing you to move on to what you really want, which is a 1:1 r/s with someone who is faithful.

[Lillyfree]

 

Sadly though, if I don't make it through the depressed stage, all I have to do is shrug and say, "it didn't work" and he won't ask any questions.

 

ah.

 

so you could at least be honest with yourself (and others) and say 'i'm trying something out but don't trust myself, so will go for an option that leaves that door open'.

 

there's no starting to begin to end things. either end them, or don't.

[Lady2163]

Just as he feels it is his choice to make regarding all he is risking, that door swings both ways; it is your choice to make that you don't want to be the person with whom he risks it all. However you convey that to him is also your choice.

 

How can we support you?

 

Sniper....right now I could use some "aw, baby...it does suck" and "you're doing the right thing even if your way of doing it is REALLY strange to me" comments.

 

I'm a human being who is depressed. I'm doing the right thing. Odds are he will never again have an affair. This is totally out of character for him. I'm not doing it because I'm mad at him. I'm not doing it because he lied to me. We didn't have a fight. I'm doing it because it is the best thing for him. Personally, I was pretty damn happy with how things were.

 

I don't know if it amusing, sad or just human nature. But I make a post about being depressed and all the majority of people can focus on are details that really aren't the crux of the matter. Justifying details is not really helpful.

 

It doesn't matter how I'm ending things with him, what matters is how I get through this. Right now I'm massively depressed. It isn't pretty. I don't even have the energy to fake normalcy. This is after only 36 hours.

 

Oh - and forget no contact. It isn't for me. It isn't what is best for me. I have my reasons.

[Lady2163]

ah.

 

so you could at least be honest with yourself (and others) and say 'i'm trying something out but don't trust myself, so will go for an option that leaves that door open'.

 

there's no starting to begin to end things. either end them, or don't.

 

Whatever.

 

People seem to think I should just burn the bridge. That isn't me.

 

The metaphorical door will always be open. I'm not the kind of person to destroy someone on my way out the door.

 

Not all affairs are the same. Many have common threads. The fact this is the best way for him to move on is atypical. It won't fall into a cookie cutter mold you have.