JoL Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 I have had 4 relationships, from age 15-22. The first one was with my first love. I was crazy for this boy from age 13 onwards. He broke my heart at 16 and dated my friend soon after..i was crushed. It took me a year to get over it. Ever since then, the other 3 guys, i have always ended the relationship, with them left broken hearted thinking i was "the one" each time. I dont know how i get myself into these situations...where i am ready to move on and think its the right thing to do and they are crying and devestated. I feel awful and i am scared to date again, with fear that i will not be 100% sure again and want to move on. The 2nd guy i dated i was 17/18, he kept telling me how he couldnt believe a girl like me was dating him. He put me on a pedestal and was very emotionally needy. I cared a great deal for him, i wanted to make him happy..but he was way beyond that point, he decided i was "the one" and he was going to marry me. Unfortunately, those feelings weren't there for me and we ended it, with him in tears even a year later when i dated my 3rd bf. The 3rd guy i dated at 19-21. was madly in love with him at first. we were in our honeymoon stage for about a year. Then things slowly went down hill for the 2nd year. He started to annoy me with his opinionated personality, his attitude towards some things got on my nerves and i was unhappy. He knew this, we tried to work it out, it didnt work. We ended it with him broken hearted and telling me he honestly thought i was "the one". Soon after i dated number 4. He was great, charming, sexy, confident and a lot of fun. I wasnt really ready for a boyfriend so we took things slow. Before i knew it, i was in a serious relationship with him and his abusive, controlling, jealous personality. 90% of the time he was great, then other times would rage on and on. He kept telling me i was the "the one"..the love of his life and he wanted to marry me. I loved him a great deal and tried to work through his abuse- it wasnt to be- he coudlnt change..so after a year, i ended it and have kept a strict NC rule in place as he gets nasty. My friends even joke that every guy i date i send cuckoo. I dont find it funny! Im left thinking what am i doing wrong?? I am honest about how i feel, i dont lie, cheat, or anything, so how do i manage to always get in relationships where the guy is planning the wedding and i am running away? Am i scared of commitment?! I dont know! I need some outsider opinions to put this into perspective.
fundamental Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Seems to me that you don't feel that you deserve to be put on the pedestal...that is what they are doing by saying your "the one." It's scarying you and turning you off. Plus, you want to be the one to end things so that you don't experience the heartbreak from your first relationship. You are unconsciously carrying baggage from your first guy... ending things for various reasons.... I also think that you don't believe them when they say you're "the one"... this is another reason you end things with them. well if Guy 2 was needy Guy 3 was annoying Guy 4 was jealous maybe you havent met the right guy.
iamwalrus Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 well, theres always a bad with the good... imagine marrying them, and then they do that to you. (i view marriage differently than the world does.) with that being said i think you should carefully, i mean SUPERCAREFULLY examine the facts and little quirks, flaws, etc. before getting into a realtiionship. example: has he ever broken up after being with a girl for a long time(considereing HE broke it up). because if he does that to someone else, chances are he will do it to you. another thing i try and play it safe around is long distance relationships. for example, if i were to go to college and meet a girl who has a boyfriend, and she starts to fall in love with me... and lets say she will be working around the country / business trips / etc where she is away from home.... how will i know she wont do that to me? like a "screw me once, screw me twice" kinda thing. but i dont know also when you enter a relationship, enter it with an " i am going to make this work" attitude. dont be the one to give up. because you know that you can trust yourself... can you trust him is the qustion. relationships after a while... they just arent the same as when they began... the flame burns out, and its just everyday life again. kind of like having a puppy. it is cute and adorable for a while, but after a while it becomes a P.I.T.A. (my little "abbreaviation") so my advice... when you enter a reltaionship, dont let the feelings blind you to the truth. becuase after a while, they will burn out (usualy) and it becomes a different type of love. so say to your self "will i be willing to be this guys "slave" forever? so focus on commitment before the feelings take over. and examine carefully so right now youre at an advantage... youre not with anyone... so pick CAREfully. I will pray for you.
Icarus Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 Here's my take on what you wrote: You got hurt, ... badly, ... when you were younger. It always hurts the most the first time it happens. You're VERY cautious now. While you don't say it outright, you're looking for perfection ... that "perfect" guy that will measure up to all the things you thought your first "love" was to you, at least in your mind. You'll NEVER find that guy. You need to find the guy ... No, rephrase: you need to let that guy find you ... who keeps you from falling asleep at night sometimes. The one that has his quirks and problems, but will sit and talk to you about them, and work on them because he cares about you. Guy #2, 3, 4 may or may not have been able to do that, but if they truly did think you were "the one", they'd still be around because they meant what they said. You're young. You'll get surprised one of these days by a guy that makes you forget about all of the good and bad things that bother you right now. Don't get hung up on it. There really are lots of people out there you thought you'd never meet. Chin up! Icarus
roxy_1980 Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 I can't help but notice that there are no ages in between bfs. You could just need time for yourself to figure what kind of guy you want. And avoid looking for the "perfect guy". Your quest for perfection is leading you to losers that can make themselves seem perfect at first, but quickly fall short in a big way(i.e. the cuckoo type). The best guys have small self-evident flaws from the start, but you don't get alot of surprises later on.
Girlie Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 To me, it doesn't sound like there's anything WRONG. It just sounds like you haven't found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and maybe you've made a few mistakes along the way. Hey, that's just life. Nothing wrong with that. You'll find the right person someday. And if your friends think these men are physco, they need to sit down and hear about MY exes. Oi vez. But we learn from our mistakes right? Now you know that you can't deal with someone who's too needy or opinionated, and that you shouldn't deal with someone who's abusive. So your past relationships taught you about what you were and weren't looking for, and eventually you'll find the right match. Hang in there!!
Author JoL Posted January 23, 2005 Author Posted January 23, 2005 Actually, i was single for a year between bf 1 and 2 and a year between 2 and 3..and i didnt date at all in those times. It was only a couple of months between 3 and 4 though so yea..next time im not going to rush- stick to my year-long singleness before i date seriously again. I dont think there's anything wrong really, i guess i just havent met the right guy yet. Freaky point- my relationships have always ended during summer..i wonder why?!
Recommended Posts