Jump to content

Is it wrong to have no contact with ex when we have kids


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

HI i need some advice & help, cant talk to anyone else and haven't told family yet.

 

I found out 6 weeks ago my boyfriend of 8 years had cheated on me, the cheating happened a few years ago but at the time i was suspicious and asked him and he lied to me and would of continued lying only i found out, When i found out i was so hurt, upset & shocked that he could do that to me and our child that i told him to leave but then after he agreed to go counselling i told him he could come back and we would see how things went in counselling. so he went to first meeting and then refused to go again so i told him to leave for good if he wasnt going to try.

 

That was 3 weeks ago, he told me last week he wanted to talk to see if we could work things out so i arranged babysitter, went to meet him we had a few drinks and ended up in bed together, big mistake :(

 

The next day i told him we still needed to talk and we agreed to talk few nights later, he was very cold when we talked so i just asked him if he even loved me and he said he had strong feelings for me but wasnt going to tell me he loved me with things the way they are at the moment.

 

He suggested trying to be friends for a while but i think thats bullsh*t and if he cant tell me he loves me and wants to try work things out then we should finish, i dont wana be with someone who after 8 years and 2 kids cant tell me they love me.

 

He wants it all on his terms and is nearly acting like i am the one who did something wrong.

 

I dont want to be a bitch and im trying so hard but seeing him is killing me right now, i am considering telling him i need 2 weeks no contact so i can try get my head around how things have ended.

 

would this be a good idea or should i just suck it up for the kids?

 

For the past few weeks he has been coming to house to see the kids, has stayed over a few nights while i stayed in spare room but it is not working out and i ended up going to bed crying a few times as its so hard.

 

Help, someone tell me it gets easier

Posted

Because kids are involved, you don't get the luxury of complete no contact. The kids will tie you together until the youngest is 18.

 

 

You can have limited contact. Only talk about the kids, their needs, their health, & coordinating visitation schedules.

Posted

Maybe you can have someone else give him the kids for visitation so you don't have to see him. He should take the kids out instead of staying at your place because that is no longer his home and it's confusing to you, him and the kids. He didn't say he loved you and I have to ask why after 8 years and 2 kids he has never married you. It seems you are in for a rough time if he decides to move on however he will still have to provide for his kids. It isn't fair to compare the way he feels about you with the way he feels about his kids. Even if you two break up and all love for each other is gone; he will still love his kids.

Posted
He suggested trying to be friends for a while but i think thats bullsh*t

Bang on.

 

seeing him is killing me right now, i am considering telling him i need 2 weeks no contact so i can try get my head around how things have ended.

If there's no court order or legal obligation imposed, then you have every right to do this.

I hate to say this, but as he isn't even legally tied to you by marriage, you get to dictate visiting terms.

 

would this be a good idea or should i just suck it up for the kids?

No. Tell them he's on holiday or something.

How devoted and serious is he about seeing the children regularly and diligently?

 

For the past few weeks he has been coming to house to see the kids, has stayed over a few nights while i stayed in spare room but it is not working out and i ended up going to bed crying a few times as its so hard.

Unacceptable. he picks up the kids, takes them for the day/weekend, but he doesn't stay with you.

If he needs to travel to come and see them, there are plenty of overnight places he could stay in.

He doesn't get past the front step.

 

Help, someone tell me it gets easier

It does, but you have to help yourself. As stated, you talk just about the kids, their wellfare, well-being and arrangements.

Does he pay child support?

  • Like 1
Posted
If there's no court order or legal obligation imposed, then you have every right to do this.

I hate to say this, but as he isn't even legally tied to you by marriage, you get to dictate visiting terms.

 

 

This isn't true.

 

 

Child support obligations have nothing to do with marriage. You can't withhold visitation from a biological parent. It doesn't matter whether the parents were ever married to each other.

Posted
If there's no court order or legal obligation imposed, then you have every right to do this.

I hate to say this, but as he isn't even legally tied to you by marriage, you get to dictate visiting terms.

......

 

Does he pay child support?

 

This isn't true.

 

 

Child support obligations have nothing to do with marriage.

I never said they did.

If you read my post again, my last question to her was about Child Support.

I don't allude to it in the first comment, at all.

 

 

You can't withhold visitation from a biological parent. It doesn't matter whether the parents were ever married to each other.

I never said she should ever withhold visitation.

I told her that as the parent with custody, she gets to decide when/where he sees them.

Which is also why I asked precisely to what extent he is committed to visiting them....

  • Author
Posted

Thanks all,

 

I would never stop him seeing the kids long term i just need a break from it all right now so was hoping if we had 1/2 week break it would help me get my head sorted and feel stronger seeing him. I have been up & down so much in the past 6 weeks and i think he is just playing with my head as he knows im feeling vulnerable at the moment.

 

The youngest is only a baby so still having sleepless nights and he knows that the offer of a night off to sleep in the other room was hard to resist but i know its only going to make things messier in the long run so i have told him no more.

 

He took kids out for the day, brought them back, gave them bath and thought he was staying but i made him leave and told him from now on i will meet him somewhere with them so we can keep our distance, he wasnt happy with this at all and im feeling very upset myself tonight but i dont know what else to do.

 

Just wish it didnt have to come to this but am seriously considering telling my eldest he is gone away for a week or two to work so i can deal with things

 

ps he is great with the kids and he gives me some money, not much but he doesnt have a lot right now because hes only working part time.

Posted

A time out for about a week to get your head together is fine.

  • Author
Posted

I told him my phone is broke so i wont b able to contact him for few days , i hate playing games and making stuff up but I'm hoping it makes it easier and give me a few days breathing space.

 

I'm so tempted to text / ring him and tell him I hate him for what he did to us but I know that's not going to achieve anything so I'm trying my best at keeping busy an having no contact for few days.

 

I'm going to tell my son my phones broke so he can't talk to daddy till weekend but he can draw him loads of pictures and show him next week, i feel like a bitch doing this but I need to do it.

  • Like 1
Posted

 

 

 

He took kids out for the day, brought them back, gave them bath and thought he was staying but i made him leave and told him from now on i will meet him somewhere with them so we can keep our distance, he wasnt happy with this at all and im feeling very upset myself tonight but i dont know what else to do.

 

 

 

You did and said all of the right things. You are not denying him access to the kids at all, but you are also telling him that you, personally, have boundaries set. You are no longer together, but you do have to co-parent together.

 

 

You were making things too comfortable for him. He knows he can come over and "play family" and then leave to be single again. Sorry, doesn't work that way. Therefore, if he calls, let it go to voicemail. Listen to it and if it's about the kids, then text him back. If it isn't about the kids, then ignore it.

 

 

Set up times and dates for him to spend time with the kids. If he's insistent to hang around the house, then you leave, go to a movie or something. Tell him that you don't want to take away his time with the kids and to have a good day. Then, leave (that is if you're comfortable with leaving him in the house when you're not there). OR you set up pick up and drop off times.

  • Like 1
Posted

I agree with the above poster...you are making things too easy for him...and it is only hurting you...

Find someone who can act as a liason for the kids sake & so that you dont have to have contact with him right now...while you are going through the worst of the pain & mixed emotions...

Treat him as an EX...set boundaries & stick to them! Right now you are very vulnerable...but you are on the right track as far as ending this...after 8 years...and 2 kids...you deserve waaaay more that what he is giving you...

It will get easier...but it takes TIME....and the less contact you have with him the better...

  • Author
Posted

Thanks your both right i was making it too easy for him, i dont wana make things harder but im not going to go out of my way to make it all easy for him either..

 

Just coming on here & been able to get it off my chest is a big help.

He obviously didn't believe phone was broke because he just rang, I let it go to voicemail and then let my son ring him back chat for 10 mins and then when he went to hand the phone to me I just told him to hang up as I couldn't talk right now.

 

I'm trying not to let the kids see anythings wrong, haven't told any family or friends yet cos can't face the questions so I'm trying to hold it all in and it's so hard right now and I feel awful.

I had a cry earlier when baby was napping and just trying to keep myself busy so I don't contact him.

I know I need to be strong but it so hard when he was my best friend as well as my partner, feel really low right now :(

  • Author
Posted

Oh god why does it all have to be so hard, I'm really struggling but I wrote down how I was feeling earlier, rang him and told him I want no calls or texts from him for the next week.

 

He just said he thought it was a bit extreme but agreed to do it, I asked him to call our 5 year old tomorrow and explain he had to go away for work and then that was it with us, he then texted and said he was finding it hard to get his head around that this was really happening but he would call and say goodbye.

 

Part of my heart broke cos don't want kids affected by it but I can't ignore my feelings either, I did tell him if he decides he wants to try work things out properly he knows where I am, he didn't reply to that part so I think we both no it's finished for good :(

 

Even though its killing me right now all i want is what's best for my boys so I'm going to try keep busy with them all week and then make a plan of how we can be the best parents to them without upsetting eachother

  • Like 1
×
×
  • Create New...