ann1900 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I've been reading the threads about the OW, and I haven't found one that is similar to my situation. My MM lives on another continent (a 19 hour flight), so I'm wondering what it is he's getting out of having me and not leaving his wife. We reconnected last summer via internet and started talking everyday on the phone and messaging. I had no idea this friendship would turn into more. He came for a visit, it was great, and he was going to tell his wife when he went back. Well.... that didn't happen yet, even though she suspects our affair. It's been 4 months since he went back, we still talk every day (off and on for about 3 hours a day). I fell in love with him before he came here, he says the same, so there was a strong emotional bond before the physical part. He says he's leaving her and will be here with me for the holidays. I really want to believe that, but reading some of these threads I have my doubts. I guess my question is: since he's not getting anything out of this relationship physically, what's he in it for unless he truly intends to leave his wife?
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I guess this is another definition of 'safe sex'.... 2
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 He gets a fantasy, a little break from real life! He gets his ego stroked! He gets someone who "understands" him and supports his side without being in a situation to interject reality. 7
Goodbye Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Ann, Be careful. My exMM wasn't in another country, but across the country from me...making it very easy for him to truly lead two different lives. Married people who cheat really need to be able to compartmentalize. When there is a large gap in proximity, it really helps to enable the "separate lives." He may actually think he will leave her one day while he is with you...but when he gets home, it may literally feel like another world. It is also very difficult to verify what is going on when the partner is so far away. Be careful. 7
MissBee Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) I've been reading the threads about the OW, and I haven't found one that is similar to my situation. My MM lives on another continent (a 19 hour flight), so I'm wondering what it is he's getting out of having me and not leaving his wife. We reconnected last summer via internet and started talking everyday on the phone and messaging. I had no idea this friendship would turn into more. He came for a visit, it was great, and he was going to tell his wife when he went back. Well.... that didn't happen yet, even though she suspects our affair. It's been 4 months since he went back, we still talk every day (off and on for about 3 hours a day). I fell in love with him before he came here, he says the same, so there was a strong emotional bond before the physical part. He says he's leaving her and will be here with me for the holidays. I really want to believe that, but reading some of these threads I have my doubts. I guess my question is: since he's not getting anything out of this relationship physically, what's he in it for unless he truly intends to leave his wife? There are many things one can get out of an affair besides sex, someone to talk to, emotional support, ego stroke, etc. Frankly, feeling like someone likes you and being able to talk to them romantically, make plans, etc. are still very fulfilling things to some people, even outside of affairs, some people have entire online relationships where they never meet up but get something out of the feelings they get from talking to this person. This however does not mean he "truly" intends to leave his wife. Long distance affairs are even easier to carry on and hide, hence can drag out for even longer than ones where you're in close proximity. My own A was one where we lived in different countries as well. However, it was less than a 3 hr flight away and we both traveled back and forth for other reasons outside of the A (which is how we even met to begin with). I too felt he cared more and was serious about me because esp for the first year no sex was involved so I felt he had no sexual motivation so the feelings had to be real. His feelings were real but those real feelings did not mean he was leaving his primary relationship. He wanted both and did that and the distance and separation of our lives made it infinitely easier for him to compartmentalize. He got her PLUS me and it was great for him. Most of us are capable of having feelings for more than one person (in varying degrees and for different reasons) and the problem is that some people assume that you can only feel strongly for one person and so an affair means the other relationship is over or they are leaving, when what they get from you as opposed to their spouse may simply be different things and they want both and it's not often a signal that they are done with their marriage. Having you could be for many reasons: emotional mixed with ego strokes which are also very powerful motivators outside of sex. I think lots of people are addicted to those feelings they get from the A which aren't sex related at all, so don't assume that because no sex is involved there is no possible reason they could be with you or that this means they are planning to leave. Many people are addicted to emotional affairs esp ones carried on across long distances. There was a whole documentary I was watching on that with people who to the extreme spend hours and hours a day in emotional affairs with people online to the neglect of their families, real life spouse etc. The emotions and "high" they get from the fantasy and acting out this relationship is just as rewarding to them as "real sex" or face to face. They even had one woman who finally met up with the guy and in real life it was awkward so they went back to their online fantasy romance ( and she had 4 kids and a husband). Edited February 23, 2014 by MissBee 1
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 You have no way to verify anything he does or says, all you have is his word that he is going to do what he's said he's going to do. Ask yourself this. Do you really believe this man is going to divorce his wife (do they have children? If so, it's very doubtful he's going to move so far away, leave them behind and start a new life with you), leave everything behind - Friends, family, his job, everything he knows - For you? Why didn't he tell his wife when he said he would 4 months ago? 1
goodyblue Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 You have no way to verify anything he does or says, all you have is his word that he is going to do what he's said he's going to do. Ask yourself this. Do you really believe this man is going to divorce his wife (do they have children? If so, it's very doubtful he's going to move so far away, leave them behind and start a new life with you), leave everything behind - Friends, family, his job, everything he knows - For you? Why didn't he tell his wife when he said he would 4 months ago? I was thinking along these lines also. Would he be able to get a job here, or if you went there, would you be able to find employment? Do either of you have children? How will you, or he leave them, seeing them only a couple of times a year? What about extended family and friends? Or, is he just enjoying the ego boost and the intimacy without having to give anything back? I don't know the answers, I'm just throwing it out there. I'd be very careful. Chin up and let us know. 1
Author ann1900 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Thanks for the replies.. I really appreciate having someone to hash through this with me. I probably should have given some more details in the first post. He's actually from here, all of his family and friends are here in the U.S. Just one state away from me. He has no children, it is only his wife there. He owns a company here, so the job isn't an issue. He lived here most of his life, so that's why I believed he would come back here. I'm not exactly sure why he didn't tell his wife 4 months ago. I do know right after he got back she found some messages and pictures from me and she confronted both of us. He didn't like how devastated she was, and I think that's why he didn't go through with admitting. I told him he should have since she already suspected. I want so badly to believe he will be true to his word and move back here to me. But I am smart enough to know that's probably not going to happen. I thought I was smart enough to not let myself get into this situation in the first place. Like a lot of others, I cannot believe I'm here and am not completely sure how I got here. I'm not yet at the point where I can go no contact, I think I would miss him too much.
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 'm not exactly sure why he didn't tell his wife 4 months ago. I do know right after he got back she found some messages and pictures from me and she confronted both of us. He didn't like how devastated she was, and I think that's why he didn't go through with admitting. I told him he should have since she already suspected. If he was truly unhappy being married to his wife he would have told her the truth when she found pictures and messages. He wouldn't have denied it, even though she was devastated. He chose to deny it and stay. If he wanted out, there was his opportunity to leave. He isn't leaving because (so it seems) he's happy enough in his marriage and have you on the side. You fill in gaps in his life that are empty but that's not enough for him to walk away from his wife/life and start over with you. Don't be afraid of the pain, letting go and trying no contact. You can make yourself detach, rely on him less, get busy and focus on other things in your life. It'll be hard but if you want your OWN husband, child and family one day, this A with him has to end...Otherwise you'll be the OW for a long time.
Author ann1900 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 You're right whichwayisup. It's like I can see it all clearly, and I know, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm so in love with this guy that it's ridiculous, I'm like a teenager again. I've been married and divorced and have a daughter, I don't expect to have more children, but I definitely want to be married again. Unfortunately right now I think he's the only one for me. And you're right about his wife, he's not unhappy with her and I've known that all along. When we were first talking, as friends, he talked about her and never said anything bad about her, and he still doesn't. He just says that he doesn't love her, that he loves me and wants to be with me. Deep down I don't believe that he will leave her... but I want to so bad! I'M A MESS!!!
goodyblue Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I advise against no contact. You're not ready. It is my opinion that NC should only be used when the relationship is truly OVER and you are absolutely certain of what you want. May I ask how long ago he was confronted by his wife about the pictures etc.? If it was a few weeks ago and he's trying to figure things out, that's one thing, if it's been months and nothing has changed, that's something else. The thing is, you need to worry about YOU. He can take care of himself. If you are miserable in the relationship, that's a problem, right? So, figure out what you can stand, what would make things okay with you and go from there. It's a tough gig, I know, but you deserve to be at peace with yourself.
Author ann1900 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 It was November that she discovered the pictures, etc., so it's been long enough. He's still saying he will be here with me before the holidays, he actually just talked about it a couple of hours ago. Strangely, I'm not miserable most of the time. I just have moments, like today, where I feel like it's all out of control. I've actually pulled back a lot, I rarely call him and I've limited initiating messaging. But, when I did limit contacting him, he started pursuing me much more - calling constantly and messaging. I know I'm not ready for no contact. I just don't want to be in this for years. It's been 5 months (4 since we were physical), at what point is it too long to wait?
Popsicle Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 My xMM lived 800 miles away. I waited a year and half and then my patience just ran out. 1
latergater Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) I've been reading the threads about the OW, and I haven't found one that is similar to my situation. My MM lives on another continent (a 19 hour flight), so I'm wondering what it is he's getting out of having me and not leaving his wife. We reconnected last summer via internet and started talking everyday on the phone and messaging. I had no idea this friendship would turn into more. He came for a visit, it was great, and he was going to tell his wife when he went back. Well.... that didn't happen yet, even though she suspects our affair. It's been 4 months since he went back, we still talk every day (off and on for about 3 hours a day). I fell in love with him before he came here, he says the same, so there was a strong emotional bond before the physical part. He says he's leaving her and will be here with me for the holidays. I really want to believe that, but reading some of these threads I have my doubts. I guess my question is: since he's not getting anything out of this relationship physically, what's he in it for unless he truly intends to leave his wife? Ann -- I totally get where you are at. But, you may want to check out this website about why the "love of your life" says he is leaving his wife, etc" and what is getting out of it. Bottom line -- these guys RARELY RARELY leave their wives. If he is NOT unhappy with her, 99.9% chance .. he isn't going to leave her. [Check a site called 'chumplady' out] - it may give you some insight .. i wish someone had shown me the way three years ago ... would have saved me some serious heartache. Edited March 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Commercial link redacted
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 You're right whichwayisup. It's like I can see it all clearly, and I know, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm so in love with this guy that it's ridiculous, I'm like a teenager again. I've been married and divorced and have a daughter, I don't expect to have more children, but I definitely want to be married again. Unfortunately right now I think he's the only one for me. And you're right about his wife, he's not unhappy with her and I've known that all along. When we were first talking, as friends, he talked about her and never said anything bad about her, and he still doesn't. He just says that he doesn't love her, that he loves me and wants to be with me. Deep down I don't believe that he will leave her... but I want to so bad! I'M A MESS!!! Then you need to decide what it is you want from him. To continue being his OW and enjoy it for what it is and however long it lasts, focus on other things in your life and over time rely on him less and detach. Don't invest so much in him. Don't lie to yourself ever. HE is a MM who is having an A and has no intention of leaving. Accept that, make peace with it and go from there. See how it goes and if you feel unhappy with it all, then you can decide to walk away. I think if you kept busier with your friends, family and projects, put YOU first, detaching from him will naturally happen. Noone expects you to go NC now, but you can distance yourself and your feelings... Affairs don't last forever.
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I know I'm not ready for no contact. I just don't want to be in this for years. It's been 5 months (4 since we were physical), at what point is it too long to wait? 5 months is long but not that long. Many OW stick in affairs for years and still the MM doesn't leave. I'd put a time limit on this for your own sanity. Would not be nice to see you posting here come September or this time next year and still be where you are now.
Author ann1900 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 I agree I need to put a time limit on it. I feel like if I do that and the time comes and goes with nothing happening at least I'll know for sure. I'm okay right now with the way things are, kind of enjoying getting the attention , it's given me a confidence boost. However, I don't want to be in this longer than a couple of months more. We'll see if I can do that.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 You really though haven't invested tons of time into him , and even more so since it's very long distance. You want an ego feed and want to feel good, find someone else. I know easier said than done, but this affair is going no where. Day to day your needs are getting met, ego fed, but long term? It's pointless and every day you are with him you're wasting energy and love on someone who is already married and not leaving. Detach. Get busy doing other things in your life, put him on the back burner. Build up a resistance, get out of the habit of speaking to him, relying on etc..
Author ann1900 Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Is there any chance at all that he will do what he says?? Has anyone had it happen for them? He says he's leaving, coming here to me, and soon. He says this even though I don't ask. I don't ask when or how, even though I want to know. Can this happen or am I living in a fantasy world? Any success stories?? Another thing and this will sound strange.... It seems like every time I get myself strong enough to say(to myself) I'll end it, he'll call. Since he's in a different time zone, there are times I don't expect a call, like when he should be sleeping or working. It's like he knows what I'm thinking, and that I'm doubting things ... crazy!
cocorico Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Is there any chance at all that he will do what he says?? Has anyone had it happen for them? He says he's leaving, coming here to me, and soon. He says this even though I don't ask. I don't ask when or how, even though I want to know. Can this happen or am I living in a fantasy world? Any success stories?? Yes. We were in different countries, continents and time zones apart, during the A. He dumped the BW, we moved in together (I moved to his country) and we have been m for several years now. It can, and sometimes does, work out. That is not to say that it always does, or that yours will. Rs are all different, and there is no way to predict the outcome with any reliability. What I would advise, though, is not to "wait". If you feel that your life is being put on hold while he makes a decision, then you are ceding your agency to him. Every day you need to decide if the R is giving you more benefit than cost, and if the costs start to outweigh the benefits, you need to move on. Rs are not about the future - the future is never guaranteed - they are about the now! If, right now, you feel great about the R and go to bed with a warm glow, it's working for you and you have no reason to end it. But if you go to bed lonely and aching, wishing your life away so you could (hopefully) be together - you are wasting time and emotional investment with no guarantee of any return. Do what works for you - and when it no longer works for you, do something else. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Is there any chance at all that he will do what he says?? Has anyone had it happen for them? He says he's leaving, coming here to me, and soon. He says this even though I don't ask. I don't ask when or how, even though I want to know. Can this happen or am I living in a fantasy world? Any success stories?? "soon" is a lovely word, isn't it...? it doesn't mean 'now', it doesn't mean 'at a fixed point in the future'. It means 'when I decide the time is right'. Tell him you're going to find yourself another lover, 'soon' if he doesn't make a more definite plan.... Another thing and this will sound strange.... It seems like every time I get myself strong enough to say(to myself) I'll end it, he'll call. Since he's in a different time zone, there are times I don't expect a call, like when he should be sleeping or working. It's like he knows what I'm thinking, and that I'm doubting things ... crazy! A seasoned player who has gotten to know his victim well, will be able to tell when it's time to reel them back in.... he can feel the line going slack, so he just thought he'd give it a quick tug... just to make sure you're still on the hook.... 1
Author ann1900 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 If, right now, you feel great about the R and go to bed with a warm glow, it's working for you and you have no reason to end it. But if you go to bed lonely and aching, wishing your life away so you could (hopefully) be together - you are wasting time and emotional investment with no guarantee of any return. QUOTE] Thanks cocorico, right now I do feel great about it 90% of the time, I can't say 100% because there are times that I get worried and stressed. But I'm happy right now. I'd like to know, if you don't mind sharing, how long did you wait to leave his wife? and were there times that you doubted he would leave her?
Author ann1900 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 TaraMaiden, your response made me smile "soon is a lovely word, isn't it". Thanks!
cocorico Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks cocorico, right now I do feel great about it 90% of the time, I can't say 100% because there are times that I get worried and stressed. But I'm happy right now. I'd like to know, if you don't mind sharing, how long did you wait to leave his wife? and were there times that you doubted he would leave her? 100% may be a bit much to hope for! but 90% sounds good! When the balance shifts, and you feel more bad than good, you may want to reconsider. For myself, there wasn't really a period of waiting as such. Our A lasted about 3 years, but that was because it suited both of us at the time. We both had commitments keeping us where we were, and getting together any sooner would not have been possible for either of us. As it was, when we decided to make our moves to be together, he was done and ready sooner than I was, and had to wait another 6 months before I could move out and join him. I did not really ever doubt he would leave her - though I was told by the Greek chorus that "they never leave " and that he was lying to me - though at times the logistics did seem insurmountable and we feared that we would be overwhelmed by the challenges. His BW certainly did not make it easy, either. But we trusted each other, and it all worked out. I hope things work out well for you, too, whichever way it lands up going.
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