simplicity1 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Yesterday morning I posted this to another thread: There's just too much detail to really tell the whole story of the situation I'm in, so let me just ask a broader question- how do you, as a girl, cope with having a much higher sex drive than your boyfriend? In my case, I expressed this early on to my boyfriend and he said he's going through very difficult times with his family and needs to take intimacy slow. So I've been extra patient the last two months, but I don't think I can be anymore! We started averaging once a week for a while, which I could sorta, barely cope with, but now it's been two weeks and that's just too much for me. Last week I saw him twice. I was on my period, but realized afterwards that I didn't even need to tell him this, since he didn't make a single move on me either of the two nights (there was plenty of hugging and kissing, but he just doesn't seem to desire more!) These were two prime chances for him to initiate without me bringing it up or mentioning it at all. Now it's been two weeks with nothing, and I've texted him gently alluding to my frustration multiple times. One of the texts he didn't even respond to. Then again he had to go out of town last weekend, then was sick and had to work long hours all week, so we haven't hung out. But now that it's the weekend, he's not really jumping to get in bed with me, and instead has loosely suggested outdoor plans for the afternoon. More detail here about our situation than I can communicate, but let's hone in on the question of- what do I do about the ever-more frustratingly clear imbalance of sex drive? I guess I can talk to him again to try to just not make it clear to him but also come up with a compromise for frequency of sexual intimacy, but it also seems like that's a very matter-of-fact way of dealing with things and maybe it's more of an art to figure out how to seduce him in the right way, or figure out how to make him more interested in seducing me. Thanks for any help Yesterday Evening We broke up last night after a two hour conversation. I'm hurting so much this morning please someone tell me it will be ok The thing that's killing me is that he said he didn't have a problem with intimacy in his previous relationships, he said that although he's feeling emotional connection to me, perhaps due to a situation with the intense stress of his brother undergoing heart surgery he's just not feeling desire for physical intimacy for me, and he said that some texts I sent him this week, especially texts like "it's been so long since I saw you naked' really turned him away from intimacy even more. He said he's never been with someone as aggressive as me in bed. It makes me feel like it's not that he has a low sex drive, but that I was doing things to turn him off. I can easily enjoy gentle sex as well, this was just a path we were going down. I only felt the need to send those texts to try to induce desire in him He wanted to take a break to see if the desire would come back but I said that breaks never work and that I'd suffer during it I'm wondering if its things that I did and said I cannot believe hes gone I'm in a state of shock. He said my texts make him feel anxious. I was making him feel anxious which was turning him away. Help me :( I'm suffering and thinking that this happened too spontaneously, neither of us were expecting to break up WHY DID THIS HAPPEN????
Author simplicity1 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 In our break up convo I was lead to believe he DOESNT have a low sex drive but it was things I was doing
OpheliaSong Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 You just weren't sexually compatible and he isn't able to compartmentalize. You only have his word the he was more sexual in other relationships. It may be just low libido. There are plenty of men who will really love your aggressiveness. It just wasn't meant to be.this is why we date, so we can figure out if we are right for each other. All the stars have to align, and if sex is as important to you as me, this is something I can't ignore in my relationships. Hugs, I know this hurts. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 simplicity1, I will say here, what I said in your other thread: "God this makes me mad, it's such utter BS. He's basically putting all the blame for his intimate reticence on YOUR shoulders, and blaming YOU for his inability to come clean and admit his feelings for you weren't as deep as he pretended they were. His feelings for you were a sham - he was fooling himself, but worse, fooling you, leading you on and being dishonest and underhand. He's a liar. And a dirty manipulative one, at that. It happens, sadly that sometimes, either due to external circumstances, or lack of a real spark, feelings are just not equal, and love is not reciprocated to the same level. It's sad, but true. But for him to essentially 'gaslight' you into believing that his inability to behonest, is YOUR fault - schytt, he's a snake, you know. Scumbag. I'm sorry it ended this way. But I'm NOT sorry it ended. Honey, trust me, he truly did you a huge favour. Things were not good in the bedroom. Hell, imagine how inadequate things are in his head. Emotionally impotent. That's him. You? You dodged the proverbial bullet, and frankly, I'm delighted for you." Throw a party. He's the loser, not you. 1
crackerjax9 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Yea eff that guy--he's the issue not you. He probably can't get it up in any relationship. You dodged a bullet. You deserve a man who will do you anywhere anytime--tables, elevators, etc. Screw him.
Author simplicity1 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Hi all, Im feeling so much pain in this moment that it's hard to even type this. I had been dating this guy for 3 months. His brother had emergency heart surgery just a bit into the relationship so my bf was naturally stressed and didn't have a lot of time when we first started dating (this happened like, a week after we became official). Things calmed down a little afterwards and things were great between us for the next month or two! Except for infrequent physical intimacy. Last weekend we had a discussion about physical intimacy and how it wasn't happening frequently enough for me. He said that comments I made over text in the week since we'd seen each other (things like "You should come over soon, it's been so long since I saw you naked" Were HUGE turn offs for him. He also told me that I'm the most aggressive girl in bed that he's been with. I'm annoyed because he's emphasized all along that he values openness and honesty which is why I tried to be particularly open and vocal about there not being enough intimacy. We were being rougher in bed on the occasions when it happened because we started it that way and both seemed to like it. I was keen to explore gentler things too. Anyway he asked for a break to see if the desire returns to him. I originally said no, and that it's just his way of easing the blow of a breakup. So since in this moment of this conversation we were both anxious and annoyed, we broke up. I texted him the next day saying this was extremely sudden (for both of us) and I still believe that we can work through this. We had plans for after the conversation, neither of us expected a breakup! We were just reacting to the anxiety of the moment and we both need to calm down and be gentler. He took a day to think about it and then responded that I'm great, but he can't explain why the "animal" in him doesn't want to come along. I guess attributing his decision to loss of attraction. I just think we both got anxious, and that there were some miscommunications along the way that caused us to act in certain ways. In my case, he attributed things to being characteristics of me when really I did not have to send those texts, and was happy to experiment more gently in bed. I tried one more time over text to get him to calm down and take some time to think about things, but he responded that he didn't like how serious the texting was getting and that he took time to think through the decision and we need to let go. He cannot explain his loss of desire in any logical way. I'm REALLY regretting how our conversation took a turn and there seem to be many ways to have made it a more productive conversation but in the moment I was just so frustrated that we weren't being intimate more often so I wasn't thinking clearly. There were many nights where we'd have LOVELY evenings together, really, but he wouldn't make a move to stay over and then I'd be left frustrated and confused afterwards and just attribute it to stress from his brother's condition (he thought this played a big role too). So, is there anything else I could do or say to try to get another chance with him? I really, really was starting to care for him even though we were only 3 months in. Secondly, what can I do in the future to avoid situations like this? I'm regretting being rough in bed. I'm regretting sending him texts that made him feel pressured. I want him back, I can't believe the suddenness of our breakup. it's been consuming my mind :(
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 First of all, face this, head on: He is not coming back, and you cannot get him back. The disparity in your feelings and emotional connection to one another is, I believe, too great and too wide to be able to meet in the middle or compromise. You guys don't 'fit'. It's not you. To be brutally honest, although I deplore his method of bringing this to an end, it's not 'him' either. You simply don't have an adequate compatibility. There's nothing you can do in the future to 'avoid situations like this' because - and please try to GET this - you didn't do anything wrong to begin with. Nothing. It's simply that he could not engage with you on a level you desired - and vice-versa. There is nothing wrong with your approach, attitude, drive, 'aggressiveness' passiveness, persuasion, likes dislikes whatever. It's just that it didn't float his boat. So you need to go no Contact, move on, let him be, and quit chasing something you only imagine could be good. He doesn't share your vision. He has no wish to. Really, you need to focus on finding a guy who rocks your box. 3
Seeking Happiness Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Hi, First Off I'm sorry to hear about your Break Up. I think that I can see what the problem is. A man is a Hunter by nature and you may be interfering with the natural flow of a Relationship. I understand that men love to have sex and we all enjoy intimacy. The fact that you would like to be intimate with your boyfriend is good. I feel as though you may have come on too strong to him. Coming on too strong can be a Turn Off for most people but especially men. I believe that no matter how strong your sex drive is, you should try to ease off on that, at least for now. Men need to hunt, allow this man to contact you and to pursue you. If your boyfriend truly loves you he will get over this feeling in time. If he no longer wants to communicate or pursue you then unfortunately you need to just move on. Just remember this piece of advice for the next boyfriend. Men should work for it a little regarding closeness and Intimacy. Try not to make it too easy for this man to get what he wants (sex). People don't really appreciate things that are too easy. You offer no challenge to a man and that's a problem in itself. I hope that this helps you understand why things haven't worked out for you. I will recommend a good book for you to read that may really help. It's called Why Men Love Bitches. Don't be too alarmed at the Title. This book is all about how a woman handles herself as an Independent and strong woman in a relationship. It's not about being a Bitch in which the Title might imply. I hope that this helps, Edited March 2, 2014 by Seeking Happiness
Author simplicity1 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 First of all, face this, head on: He is not coming back, and you cannot get him back. The disparity in your feelings and emotional connection to one another is, I believe, too great and too wide to be able to meet in the middle or compromise. You guys don't 'fit'. It's not you. To be brutally honest, although I deplore his method of bringing this to an end, it's not 'him' either. You simply don't have an adequate compatibility. There's nothing you can do in the future to 'avoid situations like this' because - and please try to GET this - you didn't do anything wrong to begin with. Nothing. It's simply that he could not engage with you on a level you desired - and vice-versa. There is nothing wrong with your approach, attitude, drive, 'aggressiveness' passiveness, persuasion, likes dislikes whatever. It's just that it didn't float his boat. So you need to go no Contact, move on, let him be, and quit chasing something you only imagine could be good. He doesn't share your vision. He has no wish to. Really, you need to focus on finding a guy who rocks your box. Thanks, I guess this is what I need to hear, and your answer actually takes a lot of pressure off since it means I don't have to feel regret. If all you say is true, then if it didn't end last weekend it would have ended some other time, one way or another, and this is good for me to believe since then it's not like I missed an opportunity with him. Your post is different from the other poster's response that I need to create more of a chase and that I was being too forward. I prefer your answer because it requires less effort and strategy from me in the future But emotion is not logical, and maybe it's true that I didn't provide enough chase?
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 No. He 'got' what you were like: And men in general, like a woman who's a bit of a beast in the bedroom. The stereotypical image that a man is the go-getter' and dominates, and the woman is the "passive" receptacle who submits, is old-hat, and many men find it refreshing to find women who do more than lie there and moan occasionally! However, if you encounter a man who is not on that wavelength, then it's not a question of letting him do the chasing; he isn't a chaser to begin with, but he's not into chocolate and sprinklin's either. In short, no matter what you would have done - or not done - there wasn't a meeting of sexual minds there. It wouldn't have mattered if you'd leant there doggy-fashion with a note on your butt reading, "I'm ready for my close-up now...." or lain there like an ironing board, patiently waiting for the iron to warm up.... Nothing would have made him shift up a gear, because you weren't matched. His contribution would have been an effort, and your adopting a more passive role and being chased, would have been forced. It's fine. Move on, and look forward to the frisson when some great guy down the road says, with that sparkle in his eye, "Hey...I like your style....!"
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