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Sharing Facebook and other Social Network Passwords with one's LDR S.O?


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Posted

Hey guys

 

Just curious as to your thoughts on this topic- we all know how hard LDRs can be, and the (sometimes scary) impact it can have on our mind, our confidence, and in extreme cases, psychological state. There's no denying it, it's not us, it's not our S.O, it's the distance which often creates problems where, for 'normal' couples occupying the same space, these problems would not present themselves. The distance, this inextinguishable desire to be with the other, reveling in memories of happier times spent (physically) together.. it can become unbearable and transform into something uglier. I've never asked my S.O about this before, and it made me curious after seeing an article about it: the sharing of Facebook passwords between people in a couple, especially long distance.

 

Now before everyone here types furiously and screams "NO TRUST!!", I'll let you in on my thinking on the idea. Picture this: a long distance couple, who are so close that they really do feel as one person, two minds, hearts and souls truly fused as a single entity, who share everything. No secrets whatsoever between them. Scientific and psychological studies have proven that long distance couples in fact cultivate a much closer degree of emotional intimacy and trust than ordinary couples of close proximity. When such a level of intimacy and trust has been cultivated, and (assuming they've met in real life), they've shared a bed, they've shared their bodies, shared a shower, shared clothes, shared meals, cried together, fallen asleep in each other's arms, traveled thousands of kilometres (or miles) together, traveled thousands of kilometres just to be together! But they don't share simple passwords? For a (in the grand scheme of their intimacy level) practically useless thing like Facebook? How can one then argue, in the midst of the aforementioned things, that such a thing as a "private garden" can still exist in the individual lives of a long distance couple?

Now the rebuttals- some will say, "if it's such a useless thing, then why worry about sharing it?!" That's the thing, it's the sharing of these small and seemingly "useless" everyday things which particularly fosters long distance relationships, so that the void left by their physical presence is not so lacking. This couple may tell each other what they had for dinner, and that's a pretty useless thing, right? But this couple sharing what they had for dinner signifies something for them, it allows them to picture the one they love, so far away in their everyday life, carrying out everyday things (without them). Furthermore, how can there possibly be any more room for a "secret garden" for each partner in a long distance relationship when (up to) 15 000 km of their (physical) relation is occupied by distance? Say this hypothetical couple has 6 hours to message each other each day, and skype for a few hours each week. Surely the other 18 hours of each day spent in the absence of the other and the absence of any form of contact qualifies as an adequate "garden" of some kind constituting "private space", free from the other's presence?

Yet there appears to be so much discourse contrary to the sharing of passwords between couples- I understand this for ordinary couples or perhaps teenagers who have not yet reached maturity, but for long distance couples, my above reasoning stands.

For those who say "I don't want to know his/her password", "I don't care for his/her password", and you and your partner have mutually agreed on this indifference and disregard for this part of that person's life, then good for you! You keep doing whatever works for you guys and whatever keeps you happy, I am merely expressing thoughts and hoping for opinion and feedback (try to be both constructive and criticising please :D )

In the 21st Century, technology and particularly social network sites are playing an increasingly profound role in our everyday lives. When this becomes our only device for even remotely feeling involved in the life of the one we love, it begins to be accorded quite a hefty level of importance. It is my view that sharing an account or sharing passwords in a long distance couple has the potential of helping to compensate and reinforce the presence of the other in our lives, an intimate thing even if only a virtual thing- when after all, the relationship of our hypothetical couple is 90% virtual anyway, so makes sense, right? This privilege to have access to such an intimate thing reserved only for that person, much like a bed in a normal couple.

Now on to the big point of "trust". Whenever the sharing of passwords between a couple is brought up in forums, there's at least half the respondents harping on about this apparent "lack of trust" for the other. We've seen the scientific research evidencing psychological impacts, trust issues and jealousy which often surface at some point in a long distance relationship, and so even if your relationship may be 'perfect' now and free from these negative sentiments, then why not obliterate the chances of such sentiments arising in the future by sharing accounts or exchanging passwords so that the relationship is healthy and open from the outset? We're all human beings, no one is completely immune from such sentiments, and it's perfectly normal and even predictable in the case of a long distance relationship. What is more, picture this: perhaps the curious partner in our above hypothetical long distance relationship has absolutely no trust issues concerning his/her partner, but perhaps trust issues concerning others? Perhaps intuition and experience has told him or her how others may behave- for example, other females secretly messaging the female partner's partner. She may trust and be certain at 100% that her partner would never do anything to tarnish their relationship, but how can one be sure about the behaviour or intentions of the ones doing the private messaging to him? This may be the virtual equivalent to a female approaching her partner in a bar or on the street in real life, perhaps with the intention of showing interest. However, in the instance that the female were physically with her partner, this would not occur as the female would recognise the couple (hopefully). If not, the exchange would take place in front of the female and things would soon be evened out anyway, the female in the end recognising the couple's union. Online, however, how would a female know that this male is in a relationship? Especially if he doesn't have a photo with his long distance partner? For all she knows, he's a free agent. Evidently the honorable Mr male partner will either delete the message or courteously explain that he is in a relationship with someone whom he loves very dearly and would do nothing to jeopardise their relationship, so where is the evil in his female partner seeing this minor interaction? Normally the two would be physically together and meeting all sorts of people together anyway, so where's the harm in her witnessing these types of online exchanges? (unless, of course, the interactions do in fact tip-toe on the edge of virtual infidelity with flirtatiousness etc..)- of course, this is all dependent on boundaries between the couple and what they consider as hurtful behaviour, baring in mind that most things in an LDR are amplified tenfold.

If the topic of sharing passwords, just for the sake of remaining completely open, all-sharing and attempting to compensate for the majority of the time and distance apart and in the grand scheme of all these kilometres and hours, then why not? For simple peace of mind, closing any avenue to the potential for jealous or negative sentiments due to the frustrating distance? Why not? Taking all of the above into consideration, I can only think of one reason as to why one of the partners in our hypothetical couple wouldn't be willing to share accounts or exchange passwords, and I bet you can guess what it is.

 

Sincere apologies for the HUGE novel of a post, I was just trying to think of any rebuttals against sharing passwords that I'd read in the article that I could think of, I do hope someone takes the time to read my novel and give me some feedback and their opinion. Also please come up with some points I have't covered for or against. :D

 

thanks! :love:

Posted

I have my SO's password because I created his account for him, and he didn't bother to change it. :lmao:

 

But seriously, you'd get much better responses if you word your opening post as a personal experience rather than an opinion essay. Most of us have seen too many of the latter, either as students or teachers, and are not terribly eager to relive them...

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
I have my SO's password because I created his account for him, and he didn't bother to change it. :lmao:

 

But seriously, you'd get much better responses if you word your opening post as a personal experience rather than an opinion essay. Most of us have seen too many of the latter, either as students or teachers, and are not terribly eager to relive them...

 

Thanks for your input Elswyth, good to know there are couples like yours with total transparency. Oh and thanks for the tip, I'm quite terrible with writing concisely.. :laugh:

  • Like 1
Posted

Sorry, your post was too long and I just scrolled it quickly.

 

I have his passwords for: FB, 2 email accounts, LinkedIn, Skype, a couple of other websites, iTunes & iPhone.

 

It's very practical, because I can read what's going on with his job and we don't waste time with him copying and pasting emails & messages to let me know about stuff and job offers. LinkedIn and another website also because I helped him with some settings (he didn't know how to). iPhone because I can check where he is if Skype can't work or for whatever reason. And I can see his calendar. iTunes because we share music and tracks. It's not that I access all this stuff all the time. LinkedIn maybe once in 2 or 3 months. Emails once a day or twice a week or even less. It depends. There's no rule.

 

Anyway, it's always been his will to let me access his stuff. I asked him if he wanted some of my passwords, but he said he wouldn't understand half or all of the stuff, because I speak a different language.

 

So, sharing passwords is not a problem for me. And as odd as it may sound, I also value one's privacy. He also has other accounts, for which I don't have the passwords. It's all fine and we're happy with our level of trust. And oh, we also have cloud space together, like a joint account, so we share that password too.

 

Before getting there, though, you need a lot of trust and know everything about the other person, and years under your belt.

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Posted

Confession: I didn't really read your post, I just needed more paragraphs :o:laugh:

 

Err, but on the subject in general - I have my gf's iTunes password :laugh: I don't really have any desire for her other passwords, I can barely keep up with checking my own accounts. That said we have accsess to each others Facebook and stuff because we share an iPad...which Is really annoying because sometimes I can't work out why I can't find a certain mate and realise its still signed on as her

  • Like 3
Posted

We've shared passwords at times if we're using each other's comp, it's not a problem if your partner is trustworthy.

I didn't read your whole post, sorry.

Posted

I didn't read your wall of text so am going by the thread title. If you are exclusive with someone, it's up to both of you if you want to share passwords. Otherwise, I'd advise creating a new, separate couples account for the two of you to use.

Posted

I'm in a LDR and my gf has my password to my infrequently visited FB account. :) She doesn't have one and doesn't believe in having a social media account. I gave her mine so that she could have an idea of what and who my family members, friends are and who now knows about her other than those closest to us. But if all works out, i'll be deleting my own account (yay) and creating one as a new, blended family (yay).

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Posted

I wouldn't do it. I want my friends to know that they can come to me in confidence about anything, and it's between me and them, not them and me and my partner.

 

Also, if somebody wants to cheat they will simply open up a new secret facebook to do so.

 

I just like to keep these things separate, even though I have nothing to hide.

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Posted

Why would your partner read your personal messages though, surely you trust him not to do that? I wouldn't dream of reading my partner's PM's and he wouldn't mine, which is how it should be.

 

 

I wouldn't do it. I want my friends to know that they can come to me in confidence about anything, and it's between me and them, not them and me and my partner.

 

Also, if somebody wants to cheat they will simply open up a new secret facebook to do so.

 

I just like to keep these things separate, even though I have nothing to hide.

Posted
Why would your partner read your personal messages though, surely you trust him not to do that? I wouldn't dream of reading my partner's PM's and he wouldn't mine, which is how it should be.

 

Why would you want access to somebody's account if you're not going to use that access to snoop around? I don't get that. The poster talks about the female partner 'witnessing exchanges' on her male partner's account, so this assumes that you would enter somebody's messages. I've had relationships before where we've known one another's passwords, usually because I've asked them to do something on a laptop while I wasn't there and then I haven't changed it. And when I had an ex's password I never used it either. But I don't think everybody has that level of self-restraint or disinterest, going by the posts on here!

 

So... why do you want your partner's password, if you're not reading his PMs? I don't understand that. Either you have the passwords and use them to enter their account or you don't have them and retain your privacy...

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Posted
Why would you want access to somebody's account if you're not going to use that access to snoop around? I don't get that. The poster talks about the female partner 'witnessing exchanges' on her male partner's account, so this assumes that you would enter somebody's messages. I've had relationships before where we've known one another's passwords, usually because I've asked them to do something on a laptop while I wasn't there and then I haven't changed it. And when I had an ex's password I never used it either. But I don't think everybody has that level of self-restraint or disinterest, going by the posts on here!

 

So... why do you want your partner's password, if you're not reading his PMs? I don't understand that. Either you have the passwords and use them to enter their account or you don't have them and retain your privacy...

 

I would find it odd for someone to just request my password unless like justhwoiam said, I'm helping them job hunt, etc. That's practical. It would have to be for a very specific reason. I don't have anything to hide but unless it's my husband and the "two of us become one," I see no need to share all my passwords or vice versa.

 

For me personally, demanding this means you don't trust me and might be controlling and I will have none of that. I just don't see why I would "need" a password. If married, I probably would set my computer to automatically log into the sites anyway, and my husband can freely peruse through it.

 

Everyone is different though, so I respect the adverse perspective that passwords should be shared. It wouldn't work for me personally while dating someone, but it works just fine for others! Completely individual, no right or wrong; just a mere matter of preference.

  • Like 2
Posted

There's also the issue of history, for me. I used to get pretty bad retroactive jealousy when I was a bit younger... I imagine logging into someone's profile, and seeing stuff between them and an ex, even if it was years old I would feel so uncomfortable and sick reading something so private. But the temptation would be there too. Would I want a new boyfriend to have the ability and opportunity to rake through all of my history with other guys and see everything I was up to with them? Nothing of it is 'secret' or something I don't want anyone to know, but it's private and it's my past. And I'd feel pretty weird if someone else could see it all.

Posted

No. I'm happy to show my partner whatever they like on my FB and my email, but they cannot have my passwords.

  • Like 1
Posted
No. I'm happy to show my partner whatever they like on my FB and my email, but they cannot have my passwords.

 

Yeah I am pretty much the same. If someone was suspicious for some reason I'd happily log in and then sit with them while they checked out my messages, so they could see I had no chance to delete anything before they looked. I'm sure it'd be very worrying, and indicative of bigger issues in the relationship, if there was a pattern of suspicion for no apparent reason I'd be worried. But if there was a one-off and my partner thought there was good reason, I'd be happy to reassure them.

Posted
Yeah I am pretty much the same. If someone was suspicious for some reason I'd happily log in and then sit with them while they checked out my messages, so they could see I had no chance to delete anything before they looked. I'm sure it'd be very worrying, and indicative of bigger issues in the relationship, if there was a pattern of suspicion for no apparent reason I'd be worried. But if there was a one-off and my partner thought there was good reason, I'd be happy to reassure them.

 

I think it's a bit different if you are like my parents. Dad got an email address and Mum just uses it all the time (much to his mild annoyance because he has to delete about 30 emails a day from all the sh*t she subscribes to). But they were married long before they had access to email. For people our age, we have separate email and social media accounts, because we usually create them long before we're in a relationship.

 

It bugs me when people say "Oh, look how transparent and trusting we are!" It's not, it's insecurity. It takes 5 minutes to set up a new email address - if you really want to sneak around your partners back with email & social media, it's not hard. Having access to their main accounts won't change that.

 

Plus, I have about 40 passwords because I make a new random one for each new thing I sign up for. So I only remember one password (the master one, for the password database on my computer), but if I were to give it out, would mean that person has access to my ENTIRE digital life. Internet banking, Paypal, mobile phone account, electricity, internet - they could steal everything. So no. No password sharing.

Posted

i do not have His and this is fine. i do not need to snoop as He presently tells me what He wants me to know. In order to accept transparency one must offer others the same. i will also provide this acct because it is new, but i know He wont use it for anything other than to look at what i am doing.

Posted
i do not have His and this is fine. i do not need to snoop as He presently tells me what He wants me to know. In order to accept transparency one must offer others the same. i will also provide this acct because it is new, but i know He wont use it for anything other than to look at what i am doing.

 

Why it is necessary for him to check up on you?

Posted

i offered it.

  • Author
Posted
i offered it.

 

his reaction?

Posted

I have no interest in a partners social media or email accounts or even the code to a phone.

 

Likewise I would prefer the feel the same about my information.

 

I would decline if she offered me her passwords, and ask her why if she asked for mine.

Posted (edited)

We've told each other some of our passwords sometimes when we are staying at each other's place, so that we can get online or use certain sites. So it's been for purely practical reasons and not to snoop. Snoop around for what anyway?

Why would anyone want to secretly read their partner's private messages? You'd only do that if you think they're cheating or lying in some way or if you're so insecure you don't trust them.

 

>I've had relationships before where we've known one another's passwords, usually because I've asked them to do something on a laptop while I wasn't there and then I haven't changed it.<

 

Uhm, surely you've answered your own question here?! ie there are reasons for passwords being given for practical reasons, and not snooping around from lack of trust.

 

I don't get why you're so convinced you'd only want passwords to read PM's, we don't all have ulterior motives. If you were in a mutually trustworthy r/ship or ever experienced one than you wouldn't even be asking these questions!

 

 

QUOTE=acrosstheuniverse;5546030]Why would you want access to somebody's account if you're not going to use that access to snoop around? I don't get that. The poster talks about the female partner 'witnessing exchanges' on her male partner's account, so this assumes that you would enter somebody's messages. I've had relationships before where we've known one another's passwords, usually because I've asked them to do something on a laptop while I wasn't there and then I haven't changed it. And when I had an ex's password I never used it either. But I don't think everybody has that level of self-restraint or disinterest, going by the posts on here!

 

So... why do you want your partner's password, if you're not reading his PMs? I don't understand that. Either you have the passwords and use them to enter their account or you don't have them and retain your privacy...

Edited by HeavenOrHell
Posted

I also didn't read the whole thing, but in my eyes there is no "Give me all your passwords" milestone.

 

I have nothing to hide, but I am my own person and unless some specific reason comes up it isn't a case where say after X amount of months dating I just hand over passwords. :confused:

 

I've had a bf's Facebook password once because while we weren't around each other he wanted me to see someone's page whom I wasn't friends with but he was so he let me log into his. In other cases they'd give me their debit card to buy something and give me the pin or something but all the times of password/pin sharing were forpractical reasons and they did it easily because they trusted me, likewise me them, as I've done the same, but it wasn't a random "Here are all my passwords because I trust you" kind of thing.

Posted

I have known my SO since I am 17; I am now 44. We are in a LDR (Finally!) after several years of cat and mouse. Still new to the commitment, about 5 months. I have no need or desire for any of his passwords. We are both grown, mature individuals and trust in each other 110%. Honestly, if passwords are an issue, I think there is a much bigger problem with the relationship. One can't say in the same breath, "trust isn't the issue, but I feel we should share passwords." You were 2 individuals before you met and u still are now. It's all about trust and respect.

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