Recovery, PTSD, the rest of my life

[merrmeade]

I'm checking into LS again. I have a new job and a big project due in a day, but I just had an outburst as a result of unhealed holes from betrayal and so I'm back. The problem: How do I reconcile my unreconciled feelings?

 

I'll try to be brief, but it's hard for me to summarize. Also, what's important in one person's psyche and life situation is sometimes skewed when a story is put out in writing to strangers. But so be it. There are many good heads and souls here. I respect the process and was mostly grateful for the insights bestowed in the past.

 

So I think this time I'll be more forthright. I never said my age before. I felt ashamed at being a stupid fool at 63 (65 now). I thought I was too old to have choices and should have known better all along. But since then I've seen a few other oldies on here in similar situations. I've come to cherish my own naivite and faithfulness. I realize that people do remarry at 70, and so, knowing I have a choice, I stay as an expression of who I am. Only, I am still haunted.

 

I shall explain the events, then the people.

 

The events:

I discovered in May 2012 that my husband had been having an EA/PA with my sister-in-law. At the same time, he began eeking out confessions about other affairs over the years. I know that he lies readily, but I have had access to a lot of information - emails, phone records - and so I'm resigned to the fact that I know a lot but may not know everything.

1. The 5th event, a 5-year relationship with my sister-in-law, was affair fog extreme. I was gone a lot; my brother was in a nursing home. My H 'saved' my brother's family. Yada yada. I've written oodles on this one in other threads.
   
2. #4 developed over time beginning 20 years ago with a mutual friend. Though I was mistaken that the woman was my friend, I knew her well enough to believe that it was EA and she stopped the PA. Still: a major betrayal.
   
3. 3rd, 2nd, 1st events were during our 20's. #3 was with my other sister-in-law (yes, a real prince) before she'd met her future husband, my H's brother. It took H over a year to confess this one and only did so because I said I wouldn't come back to him if I didn't get all of all the stories. He says it lasted 6 months, beginning weeks or months after the birth of our first child and the start of his first professional job with. He claims she chased him - 'car-pooling,' grabbing his crotch, following him into remote areas. Even after this wheedled-out confession one year from d-Day, he lied about the extent of their intimacy for 4 more months - oral sex but since he lied so easily about that, he could as well still be.
   
4. #2 was an almost ONS with the wife of an old friend of his. I was out of the country, and they 'almost screwed' when she came to my H for advice at 3 in the morning. She confessed it to me some months later during an accidental phone encounter when she called my company to apply for a job.
   
5. #1 was the only full-out affair with intercourse - he claims - occurring while he was in graduate school during the second year of our marriage. The reason they broke up? "She was a slut - saw her at a party with our professor..."
   

This trickle-truthing continued through Oct. 2013. I feel now there will always be more that he hasn't told because he does not confess out of a personal need for his own sense of self-worth, but because I insist. The parts he's unable to divulge are taking their toll on his health; I would have no need to take revenge if I did feel it.

 

 

The people:

My H -

• I realized after d-Day that I did not acknowledge who he is. He is a very sad person who has an uncanny ability to mold and meld himself to circumstances and expectations. He has an unhealthy narcissistic need for admiration of his intellect, skill, humility, valor and goodness. He loves to save people. Very often, he truly does not know he is lying about something he's said, promised or done. He worked for years and years to make something great in another country but without obtaining the right permission and finally had to leave it in ignominy. He had no idea that fathers could be as involved in their children's lives as mothers. He was always unfathomably handsome, virile-looking and attractive to women.
  
• He has to be convinced and hear the logic to know that when I ask about events or react to the history, I am not doing so to be spiteful or hurt him.
  
• He is not unaffected by what he did and has come a long, long way in a few years in terms of characater growth. He only tried to make me look bad or culpable once in the beginning and I laughed it was so ludicrous. Otherwise, he always hangs his head in shame. He is much better about trying to get people to admire him. He says he is trying to make it up to me and wants me to trust him (but on his terms of only this much transparency about the past).
  
• He truly believes that the goal is for me to just forget it all.
  
• Very important: His health is fragile. He's had cancer, transplant, now has multiple issues, is in pain. When I got the most recent confession from him in October, he got very ill. Stress takes a toll like on no one else. He was hospitalized twice in four months, one time for severe shingles, and still has neural pain. This is just to say - not only does he not know himself, he has little strength to handle facing it. He is messed up character-wise. Truly messed up and needs therapy but the character flaw prevents that possibility. Still, facing up to the truth of what he's done takes a physical toll. (Do not think I'm daunted by that, but I do think we need to handle this with a professional.)
  

 

Me - Four things are important in the context. One is how the discoveries affected me. Two is the denial I was in for so many years about who I am and who my H really is. Three is the absence of a support system. Four is the unshakable, core hold on me that commitment and family have.

1. The discoveries completely rocked my world. I had (have?) full out PTSD. I have never been so shaken by anything. Besides the crying and screaming when I was alone, I had roller-coaster emotions, was numb and in shock for months, couldn't sleep. We left the house and state where #5 took place, and I went abroad alone for a few months. When we were driving back and getting close to the state again, I started having panic attacks and then again, when we were driving to the town where it happened. I tried to contact my nephew recently, son of the OW, and felt my knees give out with the return of PTSD just because he wrote back that I was upsetting him.
   
2. I truly believed that we had only been intimate with each other. It never, ever occurred to me that he would or could break the vows of marriage. Never. And yet now I realize he did and all the signs were there. I even accepted his lame explanation after #2 (which I thought was #1) at the time and buried my numbness and never mentioned it again. But the fact is I believed that he shared that same degree of commitment.
   
3. I did not tell my brothers because I did not want them to ostracize my H if we were going to stay together. I told an old friend who completely disappointed me in her obvious need to show/feel sympathy for my H and SIL. I told a cousin who had been present during many of the weird family gatherings with my H, SIL adn her two sons while I was gone. She not only didn't appreciate the disclosure but proceeded to preach to me about forgiveness. My daughter and only my daughter was my loyal ally and that had to stop after a month out of fairness to her. There was no one to talk to except a therapist we went to for a few weeks, until we drove away.
   
4. This to me is probably the most important factor that explains why I'm still here: I realized over the past year and seven months that the reason that I was faithful, agreed to reconcile and will not be the one to call it quits has more to do with me and very little to do with him. It is a kind of core identity that I even remember thinking about as a child. You marry, you are faithful, you give all you have to make the relationship deep and fulfilling for both parties. I have two adult children living in the same city now and another in school in the state. I love them more than anyone in the world. We are all happy with the status quo of being able to see each other at any time, babysitting grandchildren and knowing we have each other for support and sympathy. One family is buying a house to live closer to us. I want this. I'm willing to do what I have to, to maintain this truce.
   

 

But I am still reminded. I think about it every single day. I cannot ever see my SIL again because of her denial and treatment of me after d-Day. I am uncomfortable at the thought of seeing my nephews or going to my family home (scene of the crime). During intimacy with H, I sometimes think about his being intimate with her or others. There is one move that he absolutely did not do with me before and was clearly developed with her.

 

I think I know the answer. Therapy. Anyway it's late. Now I'm sleepy and tomorrow I must work. I appreciate anyone who's read this far. I always say "brief" but really don't know how.

Edited February 23, 2014 by merrmeade
forgot the numbering; forgot a very important fact; misnomered

[road]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will give you the tools to recover from this.

 

 

Was the SIL/OW BH told about the affair?

Who else knows?

Has your WH finally told you everything? You will not heal unless you get the whole truth.

Is your WH NC with all of the OW?

Can you verify the affairs are over?

Can you know where your WH is at all times?

Does of the OWH's know their WW's had an affair?

[BetrayedH]

Oh mermeade. Hugs to ya. God, you have such a beautiful soul and deserve so much better. If there was ever a time that I wish I could just squeeze my brain for every ounce of intelligence and wisdom to get all of the answers, I would do it for you.

 

I will say (once) that I wish you would just up and LEAVE! Did that work? Didn't think so. Have I mentioned how stubborn you are?

 

Ok, maybe I can come up with something more substantial.

 

First, I think you need to throw in the towel on your H ever changing, coming clean, being truly remorseful (which is different than this selfish shame thing that he does). You are never going to get the answers you need, ever. His belief that you just need to forget it is simply entrenched. Your departure would probably be the only thing that could spur a real confession but even then he would probably just wallow in his shame instead. I think it's time to stop asking questions and digging for the truth. You're torturing yourself.

 

Second, yes, get yourself into therapy. Don't take him. Frankly, it's time to start seeing him as a roommate. Get into therapy for yourself. Get some strategies for the PTSD. Focus on the good and healthy things in your life - your kids and grandkids and such. And take up personal projects and hobbies that bring you joy.

 

The fact is that your marriage is never going to be the central rewarding piece of your life. It's irreparably tainted because of his insistence on doing it his way which isn't ever going to work (the fact that he thinks you would EVER forget all of this is just a testament to how much he doesn't get it). And if you're not going to leave, then you must stop being so emotionally invested in this aspect of your life. Take pride in what you've built and accomplished and let your golden years be about the things that are positive in your life.

 

And by the way, good luck on your project and congrats on the new job.

 

PS. I hope you got as much laughter from Road's post as I did.

[jnel921]

Mermeade, thanks for sharing your story. As someone who is getting older and has dealt with infidelity in my own Marriages over the past 17 years It makes me sad for you.

 

I agree with BetrayedH in that you do need IC and your H at this stage will not change and has done irreparable damage.

 

But you however still can make a change in your own life and happiness. 65 is not old! I don't think you should condemn yourself to spending the rest your life taking care of your WH now that he is ill. You need to start reconciling your feelings and understand where the pain is coming from and begin to heal yourself. It sounds like you know that you need to but are being really stubborn about it. Do not become complacent. You will always suffer because of it.

 

I had an aunt who was taken away too soon, she was in her late 50's. She died tragically and spent many years hurting over the infidelity and humiliation of her H's actions as well. Because they had an older daughter with a mental handicap he had no choice but to step in and forever interact with our family.

 

I am sure your family members may have been aware of what was happening.

 

As I start heading into my late 40's I already know what I will not tolerate. I want happiness. If I cant have that with the man I am with then I choose to be happy with myself alone. I am not afraid.

 

I don't know your financial situation, but you may want to consider leaving after you have had enough IC. You have the rest of your life to be happy. Consider how you want and need to do that. God only gives us one chance at this life. Stuff happens but you can change it for the better.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited February 23, 2014 by jnel921

[harrybrown]

If I were you, I would expose.

 

You have too many cheaters around. If my wife was in your family circle, I would want to know that she cheated on me with your H.

 

I also enjoy the grandchildren, one of my few real joys in life. My kids are also good.

 

I do think you need a counselor for you for the PTSD. My wife finally realized that I had it from her affair.

 

There are a couple of things that help me. I do not know if they will help you. I have been married for over 35 years. I do try to get on my exercise machine. It may seem stupid, but the exercise helps me.

 

I also try the 180. I am sure that you have read about it here. Your H may be sick, but he is not going to change. His affairs are an addiction.

I do not know about my wife, if she is still cheating or not. I told her that I was leaving and she told me she was coming with me.

 

So I do not have an answer about continuing to live with your spouse, or file for divorce.

 

Can you sell the home, if it continues to cause such pain? Of with the family so close, you would want to stay in the area.

 

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you find some things to help you.

[Steen719]

Oh mermeade. Hugs to ya. God, you have such a beautiful soul and deserve so much better. If there was ever a time that I wish I could just squeeze my brain for every ounce of intelligence and wisdom to get all of the answers, I would do it for you.

 

I will say (once) that I wish you would just up and LEAVE! Did that work? Didn't think so. Have I mentioned how stubborn you are?

 

Ok, maybe I can come up with something more substantial.

 

First, I think you need to throw in the towel on your H ever changing, coming clean, being truly remorseful (which is different than this selfish shame thing that he does). You are never going to get the answers you need, ever. His belief that you just need to forget it is simply entrenched. Your departure would probably be the only thing that could spur a real confession but even then he would probably just wallow in his shame instead. I think it's time to stop asking questions and digging for the truth. You're torturing yourself.

 

This is so, so true!

 

Second, yes, get yourself into therapy. Don't take him. Frankly, it's time to start seeing him as a roommate. Get into therapy for yourself. Get some strategies for the PTSD. Focus on the good and healthy things in your life - your kids and grandkids and such. And take up personal projects and hobbies that bring you joy.

 

The fact is that your marriage is never going to be the central rewarding piece of your life. It's irreparably tainted because of his insistence on doing it his way which isn't ever going to work (the fact that he thinks you would EVER forget all of this is just a testament to how much he doesn't get it). And if you're not going to leave, then you must stop being so emotionally invested in this aspect of your life. Take pride in what you've built and accomplished and let your golden years be about the things that are positive in your life.

 

And by the way, good luck on your project and congrats on the new job.

 

PS. I hope you got as much laughter from Road's post as I did.

 

I remember you quite well, merrmeade, and your situation. I wish things were different for you. I really like BH's response to you and I agree with what he says if you are going to stay with your H and I think you are. I would look to other sources of meaning in your life because I agree; you won't get it from your H - ever!

 

OK, this is not for all and I understand this. My XH also had a transplant and, while he does not have cancer, there are similarities. 2 affairs (that I know of), 13 years apart - one after the transplant. I am not quite your age, but I am an "older" person, also. I divorced him and it was not easy. I have lost almost everything in the process, but I AM SO HAPPY NOW! I cannot even begin to tell you what it did for me. HE has the resentments, the sadness, the guilt, the shame and the break-up of his family to live with. I have peace, an old love in my life, an abundance of friends, a wonderful family and best of all, I don't have a lying, cheating excuse of a man sharing my space. I give my thanks every day that I am free and wish I had done this earlier. Now, I understand it is not for everyone, but I wanted to tell you that age has nothing to do with what you can do. The only other thing I want to say is your "golden" years can be filled with the love of a GOOD man who deserves your kind of love. There are men out there who would so appreciate you and if you choose not to not have someone, well then - freedom can bring other kinds of happiness, too.

 

Best to you, merrmeade. I truly wish you happiness - like BH says, I think you deserve it. Having been through some of what you have been through, I know how much of yourself you have devoted.

[Furious]

Merrmeade

 

I remember the early days when you first came to LS and how confused and devastated you were. You are no longer in denial and you've courageously faced the truth about your husband. You're grieving the man and life you believed was yours. As painful and this is.....do not give up on yourself.

 

You are not a prisoner to his dysfunction. As long as you dwell on the pain he has put you through you will remain stuck in it. As you've discovered he is character disturbed and there's little hope he will change.

 

You cannot change him or fix him, that's not your job. He sounds like a pitiful man, who is his own worst enemy.

 

Continue to be good to yourself and continue to take the small and big steps toward healing your self esteem through counselling . You have a survivors spirit and you deserve joy and peace in your life.

 

Sending you a warm hug:love:

[PoopHappens]

I realized over the past year and seven months that the reason that I was faithful, agreed to reconcile and will not be the one to call it quits has more to do with me and very little to do with him. It is a kind of core identity that I even remember thinking about as a child. You marry, you are faithful, you give all you have to make the relationship deep and fulfilling for both parties .

 

I'm standing and applauding you right now. Trust me when I say there are others out there like you with similar stories.

[yellowmaverick]

Hi merrmeade.

 

Your story really hit me hard. You and I are so very similar. My H's affair rocked me to my core as well. Commitment and family have a core hold on me as well. I discovered my H's affair in June 2011, but just recently decided not to reconcile. The struggles that you shared in your post mirror my own struggles in getting to this point.

 

I am sorry that you have not been able to find anyone to talk to. I belong to a BAN group and those people have been my saviours. They have held me physically and emotionally as I have struggled to accept my reality. If there is a group in your area, I would strongly recommend that you try it.

 

I agree with some of the other posters that you need to redefine your life and make it more about you. Make this phase of your life about what makes YOU happy - spending time with grandchildren, joining clubs to make new friends, your new job.

 

I know that it so difficult to reconcile your dreams for the future with where you are now. You spent years dedicated to your H and your children, thinking that you were helping to build a future for your family, thinking that you and your H would enjoy "your time" after years of sacrificing. You need to mourn the loss of this future that you worked so hard for.

 

You sound like a beautiful person. Your H never deserved you.

[road]

If I were you, I would expose.

 

You have too many cheaters around. If my wife was in your family circle, I would want to know that she cheated on me with your H.

 

I also enjoy the grandchildren, one of my few real joys in life. My kids are also good.

 

I do think you need a counselor for you for the PTSD. My wife finally realized that I had it from her affair.

 

There are a couple of things that help me. I do not know if they will help you. I have been married for over 35 years. I do try to get on my exercise machine. It may seem stupid, but the exercise helps me.

 

I also try the 180. I am sure that you have read about it here. Your H may be sick, but he is not going to change. His affairs are an addiction.

I do not know about my wife, if she is still cheating or not. I told her that I was leaving and she told me she was coming with me.

 

So I do not have an answer about continuing to live with your spouse, or file for divorce.

 

Can you sell the home, if it continues to cause such pain? Of with the family so close, you would want to stay in the area.

 

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you find some things to help you.

 

 

 

How old are you and your WW?

 

 

And why do you not know if she is still cheating?

[sidney2718]

Mermeade: Thank you for your story. You've had a fair amount of advice and I certainly think that most of it is right on.

 

But let me point out a selfish option. If you are not going to leave your H, and if he is not going to stop having affairs, then it seems to me that you are perfectly entitled to be selfish.

 

I'm not suggesting that you have affairs. You've said that you won't do that. What I am suggesting is that you simply use your husband as a friend with benefits. Get what pleasure you can from relations with him and don't worry about "taking care" of him. And in general, distance yourself emotionally from him. Perhaps you could treat him as a roommate.

 

Why do I say this? You are depressed (with good reason), but you have a loyal family (with some notable exceptions). And I know about the babysitting grandchildren routine. It is wonderful watching the next generation take root and grow. And they do not need to have you sexually frustrated and generally unhappy. More than one famous marriage has lasted with one partner unable to stay out of other folk's beds. You are powerful. Take control of the situation and take what you need (and can have) from it.

 

And remember, you have friends here.

[merrmeade]

If I were you, I would expose.

 

You have too many cheaters around. If my wife was in your family circle, I would want to know that she cheated on me with your H.

 

I also enjoy the grandchildren, one of my few real joys in life. My kids are also good.

 

I do think you need a counselor for you for the PTSD. My wife finally realized that I had it from her affair.

 

There are a couple of things that help me. I do not know if they will help you. I have been married for over 35 years. I do try to get on my exercise machine. It may seem stupid, but the exercise helps me.

 

I also try the 180. I am sure that you have read about it here. Your H may be sick, but he is not going to change. His affairs are an addiction.

I do not know about my wife, if she is still cheating or not. I told her that I was leaving and she told me she was coming with me.

 

So I do not have an answer about continuing to live with your spouse, or file for divorce.

 

Can you sell the home, if it continues to cause such pain? Of with the family so close, you would want to stay in the area.

 

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you find some things to help you.

 

I love this. Thank you.

 

Sorry, everyone. I'm reading but really busy with a project due tomorrow. All thoughtful, pertinent responses.

 

I love BH forever. So validating that he was (almost) the first in with his genuine outrage and indignation on my behalf. Makes up for a lot.

[merrmeade]

Mermeade: Thank you for your story. You've had a fair amount of advice and I certainly think that most of it is right on.

 

But let me point out a selfish option. If you are not going to leave your H, and if he is not going to stop having affairs, then it seems to me that you are perfectly entitled to be selfish.

 

I'm not suggesting that you have affairs. You've said that you won't do that. What I am suggesting is that you simply use your husband as a friend with benefits. Get what pleasure you can from relations with him and don't worry about "taking care" of him. And in general, distance yourself emotionally from him. Perhaps you could treat him as a roommate.

 

Why do I say this? You are depressed (with good reason), but you have a loyal family (with some notable exceptions). And I know about the babysitting grandchildren routine. It is wonderful watching the next generation take root and grow. And they do not need to have you sexually frustrated and generally unhappy. More than one famous marriage has lasted with one partner unable to stay out of other folk's beds. You are powerful. Take control of the situation and take what you need (and can have) from it.

 

And remember, you have friends here.

 

Okay, I really want to respond to this one.

 

Yep, this is pretty much where I thought I was - though actually I am not depressed any more. He is not changeable. He is a sad shell of a man who is watching himself die a coward. I don't hate him. I just don't need him. He needs someone, however. At some point, he's probably going to take care of his sister's estate which he'll inherit soon as she, sadly, is dying of inoperable cancer. We'll see what happens then.

 

What made me write is, for one thing, I am not able to simply use him for companionship and sex (roommate model with benefits). At times, I am reminded during sex of his disgusting past - reminded in concrete ways. He told me just enough that I know what he did sexually with other women. i think of that and cannot go there.

 

The other is I also want to stop obsessing. I'm tired of it. His inability to come clean for himself is his problem, but I still think about it for two reasons. One is because it's become a habit. The other reason is harder and happens because reminders of past events create a need to rearrange my memory of those events, realizing that he was doing something other than what I'd thought 'we' were doing at the time. I find myself creating charts and lists by years with where we lived and what we were doing. Truly obsessive and ungratifying but somehow I have to figure it out.

 

The best would be just to KNOW once and for all, but that's not going to happen. It's just not. On the other hand, if I give up that need to know, I feel like I've done what he wants - sweep it under the rug like the coward that he is in lying and hiding all these years. I am not a coward, and I don't lie. It's as if I found out that my life was not really the one I thought I had and now I simply have to put the pieces back together before I can go on. To tell you the truth, THIS was the real reason I didn't walk away. I HAD TO KNOW. If I'd walked away in the beginning, I would not have heard the trickled out confessions I heard. My past life would have been an unsolvable puzzle with missing pieces.

 

Does this make sense?

[Spark1111]

perfect sense. I am the same way, and the obsession for some of us is very normal.

 

I needed to know the reality of what was my life. I deserved that. And like you, I decided at some point that I had all I really needed to know....additional details would not change that.....so I let them go.

 

There are ultimately three choices for all; accept what was and move on by either staying or going.

 

Don't accept your spouse and divorce.

 

Accept your spouse and ALL their weaknesses and stay.

 

And I have concluded I have had a wonderful life because I fully participated in loving a man, bearing and loving his children, having the love and respect of family and friends and co-workers and nothing can change that for ME; certainly not the actions of others.

 

I was HERE and I was TRUE.

 

Whatever you decide....you are coming to acceptance, and I wish you peace Merrmeade.

 

Think hard on how, or even if your life would change, if you stay, or if you go.....

[merrmeade]

perfect sense. I am the same way, and the obsession for some of us is very normal.

 

I needed to know the reality of what was my life. I deserved that. And like you, I decided at some point that I had all I really needed to know....additional details would not change that.....so I let them go.

 

There are ultimately three choices for all; accept what was and move on by either staying or going.

 

Don't accept your spouse and divorce.

 

Accept your spouse and ALL their weaknesses and stay.

 

And I have concluded I have had a wonderful life because I fully participated in loving a man, bearing and loving his children, having the love and respect of family and friends and co-workers and nothing can change that for ME; certainly not the actions of others.

 

I was HERE and I was TRUE.

 

Whatever you decide....you are coming to acceptance, and I wish you peace Merrmeade.

 

Think hard on how, or even if your life would change, if you stay, or if you go.....

 

I cannot begin to say how grateful I am for this, Spark. So incredibly validating for all the right reasons - what makes a life worth living. It's perfect and I will read and re-read.

 

Only - please forgive - I got a little confused on the choices. Probably the work I'm doing (documentation of work done in state legislative committees and subcommittees - guaranteed to burn brains). If you wouldn't mind a little more on how there are

ultimately three choices for all; accept what was and move on by either staying or going.

 

Don't accept your spouse and divorce.

 

Accept your spouse and ALL their weaknesses and stay.

 

I mean I get the spirit of it and that is where I am. Loving, surviving, being the best person I can be for myself and my family - that will happen regardless of what H does or is. But I need to come to terms with myself for myself regarding my "need to know" and what I'm able to accept, realizing that he cannot change and will not be able to help me.

 

Maybe I just did.

[merrmeade]

Btw - I love your Emily Dickinson choice, partly because it reminds me of my father, who loved all things Dickinson, and partly because it reminds me of the old me. I used to think of myself as the rubber duckie who always bounces back up no matter how long it's been kept down. Then d-day happened. Rubber duckie stayed down longer than ever before, seldom up for over a year and a half.

 

But I'm thinking soon...

 

Hope is the thing with feathers/ That perches in the soul/ And sings the tune without the words/ And never stops -at all. -Miss Emily Dickinson..

[merrmeade]

There are ultimately three choices for all;

Accept what was and move on by either staying or going.

Don't accept your spouse and divorce.

Accept your spouse and ALL their weaknesses and stay.

Okay, think I got it - a little diagraming here, a little splicing there...

 

"There are ultimately three choices for all"

Meaning:

- TO MOVE ON we take one of these choices.

 

1) "Accept what was - and move on by either staying or going."

Whether you stay or go, because you accept what happened so you can move on and away from the constant digging. [To do this, you have to finally decide you know enough. And I'm thinking maybe "enough" would be the answers to why.]

 

2) "Don't accept your spouse and divorce - and move on."

Moving on requires getting rid of one's spouse, his baggage and garbage, in order to make a new life. Whoever does this realizes s/he has no choice - the baggage, the garbage - just too much.

 

3.) "Accept your spouse and ALL their weaknesses and stay."

Moving on means you finally accept everything about your spouse without expecting change. You stay - and can move on with what you want out of life, a better, wiser, more loving person because of you and not because of anyone else.

 

So, in other words, each person ends up in one of those places as the only way to move on. There's no judgment which is right for one person or another. Surely circumstances play a huge role.

 

I know I'm acting like a student taking notes, but you've seen a lot and probably have a good basis for making this kind of observation.

Edited February 25, 2014 by merrmeade
too long

[BetrayedH]

I see your choices as:

 

1) Stay and keep making efforts to spur change.

2) Stay and accept that things are not going to change.

3) Leave.

[Steen719]

I see your choices as:

 

1) Stay and keep making efforts to spur change.

2) Stay and accept that things are not going to change.

3) Leave.

 

....Succinct.....

[merrmeade]

I see your choices as:

 

1) Stay and keep making efforts to spur change.

2) Stay and accept that things are not going to change.

3) Leave.

 

Oh, BH! You're not supposed to make this hard!

 

You're too good at this and you're right. I can't argue or squirm out of it. Like she said: Succinct.

 

Damn.

 

Thinking.

 

Hmmm ... could try one, two or all three - in that order.

 

I'll think about this.

Edited February 25, 2014 by merrmeade

[BetrayedH]

I think of option one as the, "Keep Bashing Your Face On The Keyboard" option but I didn't have clever nicknames for the other two so I kept it succinct.

 

I will say that Spark's post seemed to be about "acceptance" to me. But girl, that's the tallest order of them all. Denial is the first stage and acceptance, the last. Trust me, I really do get your frustration. I started a thread months ago out of frustration that I was not yet indifferent. Hell, I'm still angry, sad, processing, and sometimes even still think about revenge. I'm still worried about my kids even though they are doing great by all accounts. I still struggle with what to say to them and dread the day that one of them asks the hard questions. And this is almost 3 years post dday and a 1 1/2 post divorce with things going well with a good GF. It's no longer with any of the intensity of those early days, of course, but it's still with me every day. Another poster wisely pointed out that it was still too soon. I had to agree and that pretty much closed the thread for me.

 

It's easy for me to intellectually and objectively sit and provide three options. But I know that the human condition (and your situation) is far more complex and involves more than an intellectual decision. I think it might just be alright for you to keep thinking about it and processing it. It ain't easy. Hell, you can buy a new keyboard if you need to.

[BetrayedH]

....Succinct.....

 

When has that ever happened before with my posts? It might be a first.

[merrmeade]

When has that ever happened before with my posts? It might be a first.

 

Thanks BH - have to go to work - but you've given me lots to think about.

[Steen719]

When has that ever happened before with my posts? It might be a first.

 

Ahhhhh, but I knew you had it in you!

[Spark1111]

I think of option one as the, "Keep Bashing Your Face On The Keyboard" option but I didn't have clever nicknames for the other two so I kept it succinct.

 

I will say that Spark's post seemed to be about "acceptance" to me. But girl, that's the tallest order of them all. Denial is the first stage and acceptance, the last. Trust me, I really do get your frustration. I started a thread months ago out of frustration that I was not yet indifferent. Hell, I'm still angry, sad, processing, and sometimes even still think about revenge. I'm still worried about my kids even though they are doing great by all accounts. I still struggle with what to say to them and dread the day that one of them asks the hard questions. And this is almost 3 years post dday and a 1 1/2 post divorce with things going well with a good GF. It's no longer with any of the intensity of those early days, of course, but it's still with me every day. Another poster wisely pointed out that it was still too soon. I had to agree and that pretty much closed the thread for me.

 

It's easy for me to intellectually and objectively sit and provide three options. But I know that the human condition (and your situation) is far more complex and involves more than an intellectual decision. I think it might just be alright for you to keep thinking about it and processing it. It ain't easy. Hell, you can buy a new keyboard if you need to.

 

To me, it was more about embracing the old adage of when you are sick and tired of FEELING sick and tired is when you will be ready to embrace change.

 

At some point, I had to examine my relentless pursuit of smaller details of the affair in the timeline.

 

I began to GROW sick and tired of my OWN behavior....What had worked so well in my career as a former journalist was literally clouding my judgement, affecting my health and happiness, and giving this stupid, adolescent, rebellious affair waaaaaaaay too much power over me and my future.

 

It was no longer major trickle-truths....I almost divorced him over those. it was smaller details....

 

It became cruel almost, as in, beating a dead horse, kicking a dog when it's down, demanding deep, emotional insights from a man who would recoil and grow ill from trying to remember and answer a specific question about a specific detail.....

 

It felt wrong. So I stopped. And told myself I had all the important information I needed and that any more info would not change the past; would not change my choices or my value-based judgements. I slowly came to acceptance with that decision.

 

You cannot choose acceptance, nor intellectualize it. it is something that slowly comes to you ONLY when you are ready for it.

 

And that does require some soul searching and active participation and deciding fiercely that I am done with the affair; it will NOT continue to rob me of enjoying, appreciating my life NOW.

 

And with it comes peace and I wish it for all of you, WHEN you are ready for it.