Good by Ex - Nefsled

[nefsled]

(Yes, we were corny enough to name our relationship) nefsled

 

Has anyone thought about their ex several years later? I have but only in complete anger.

 

It's been 10 years since our breakup. Why do I still feel so much anger towards him? I know I've moved on and he has moved on. We are both married with families. I wish I could let go of this feeling of being used. It breaks my heart when I think about it. I wish I had been given the chance to get closure but things ended on a bad note. I still blame him for not being by my side through a miscarriage. Then leaving me for someone else a few weeks later. I look at my adorable two year old daughter and hope that she never goes through a breakup like that.

 

Does anyone have suggestions on how to cope with anger and how to learn to trust people again?

[TheyCallMeOx]

First and foremost, I would like to say that I'm sorry you went through a miscarriage alone. I hope that, despite the fact he wasn't by your side, you had some kind of support system. I can't fathom what it feels like to have a miscarriage, but I can imagine that it was a tough experience to go through. I hope that you've managed to accept that it happened, and I hope that you've learned from the experience even if it was very unfortunate for you.

 

Because that's really all that we can do, right? There are just some things in life we can't control. We can try to control our lives, but there is only so much that one person can do until it affects the quality of life. Even if we live inside a plastic bubble, bad things can still happen. They're inevitable. No matter how good of a person we are, no matter how hard we try to do the right thing, we're always going to be in a bad situation. Sometimes, it's an off-putting experience and sometimes it's a traumatizing experience such as a miscarriage. The only thing we can do really do is look at each and every experience in our lives as an opportunity to grow. Otherwise, we will let our bad experiences consume our lives.

 

The only thing that we can do with bad experiences is turn them into lessons. Bad experiences won't seem so bad when you're able to look at a situation and realize that there are many things you can learn from it. Knowing that you've been through a miscarriage, you know the true value of a child's life. You know what it's like to lose someone you wanted to help grow. Even though it was unfortunate, I'm willing to bet that you look at your daughter and understand exactly what you have. I imagine that you try to be the best parent you can be to the child. You'd go through hell and back for your daughter because you've witnessed what it's like to lose a child. You probably feel thankful that your daughter is alive, and very appreciative.

 

The miscarriage was probably a large influence. I'm not saying you weren't going to be a good parent before, but I think that now...you have different motivations. Even when you felt like crap from the miscarriage, you probably came out with a new perspective. Now that you have a two year old daughter, you could probably agree with me now that you're probably using that perspective you developed from a traumatic experience.

 

It's the bad moments that help us grow. It's the bad moments that help us learn. It doesn't matter whether you're a college student, parent, grandparent, child, teenager, businessman, businesswoman, stripper, or anything else. There's always something new to learn. There's always opportunities to learn -- whether it's going to your local library and getting a Math book, or learning from good/bad experiences.

 

There are two pieces of information that I can give you that I believe will help you. However, they'll only help you if you want them to just like you can learn from bad experiences if you want to. If you don't learn from bad experiences, you don't learn from them -- you will have neither gained or lost knowledge. However, when there is an opportunity to gain knowledge...it is exactly that. An opportunity.

 

Here's two important information that you need to realize:

1. Power is granted.

2. You are the most powerful person in your life.

 

They both go hand-in-hand, but realizing both of these truths will help you cope with anger, and learn how to trust people again.

 

Let's apply these realizations to how to cope with anger. Well, when I say that "power is granted," I'm saying that your ex-boyfriend has no power over your current life. He's married, you're married, you probably have no contact with him, and you're probably trying to live a good life. If you're married to another man, with a child, and your ex-boyfriend is off doing his own thing...why do you still feel anger towards him? Ultimately, you're allowing him the power to influence your mood. He has no impact on your life anymore, but you're choosing to get upset over something that happened years ago. You have to understand that what happened is part of the past. It's unfortunate how things happen, but dwelling on it is not going to benefit you. If anything, it's just going to hurt you. The more you think about the things he did, the more angry you're going to get. Let me ask you a question: do you think someone who hurt you that much deserves to influence your mood? I don't know about you, but no one deserves a second of my thoughts unless they've earned that special time in my head. My thoughts are like a series of superbowl commercials -- each one is special, and anyone who has hurt me doesn't deserve that specialness. How to cope with anger? Realize it's a choice. You're choosing to get angry. After a while, when you keep reminding yourself that it's all a choice, you eventually realize how ridiculous it is to let something as insignificant to bother you. The dude is part of the past...keep it that way. You've got a marriage and kid to worry about now.

 

With that being said, you have to recognize the power you have within yourself. No one has more power than you do in your life. You are ultimately the only person who can make decisions. You can choose to make mistakes, you can choose to learn from your mistakes, you can choose to make great decisions, etc. How can you learn to trust people again? By trusting yourself, you trust other people. When you trust yourself, you trust that whatever happens in your life...you're going to be okay. Some people are going to try and screw you over, they might be successful, but it's up to you to decide on how you want to view the experience. Do you want to continue losing trust for people? Or do you want to be realistic? Not everyone you meet is going to screw you over -- just the people who choose to screw you over. Sometimes, it's really hard to tell who is likely to screw you over. In these circumstances, you should hate the player...not the game. If you trust yourself that you'll be okay regardless of who screws you over, you'll recognize that you can't just dislike everybody from a small number of people who screw you over. Ideally, we get screwed over everyday, but we call it business. Don't blame everybody just because of a few bad skittles.

 

The same applies when you're getting a babysitter for your child. You may say "well, I need to trust a babysitter." Well, if you trust yourself that you'll make the right decision, you won't need to trust the babysitter. If you trust yourself and end up paying a crackwhore to watch your child, you're going to have problems. However, if you trust yourself and are knowledgeable about acquiring responsible babysitters, then you won't need to trust the babysitter. When you make a choice, you'll know that you made the right choice.

 

I hope this helps.