collegeguy129 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) Well at least I think I am...I guess I'm not sure. I have no person I can talk to about this and I have no idea where I could go, so I just tried google and it brought me here...Well this story is VERY complicated so I can start from the beginning. Well I'm in college and had recently started experimenting with guys. I had slept with girls all my life and got drunk one night and some guy kissed me and its kind of grown from that...Well I started chatting with the guy online for a while. We were just looking for a safe friend with benefits kind of thing. We talked on the phone the first day we met online. He was really cool, we chatted on the phone for hours, his sense of humor I guess drew me in. Days and weeks passed by and it was like we both had known each other for years, we had this amazing bond already. We were just having fun and it was great! Then maybe a month or two into it he starts dropping hints towards me about the possibility of him feeling something more...He said he was falling for me....A little background on me, I'm a notorious runner when it comes to feelings. I was raised in an environment where having feelings meant u were a pussy. So like the typical guy I kept things bottled up inside. I've had bad, BAD experiences with cheating girlfriends and just bad people in general. When I started having feelings I would ALWAYS get hurt. So all I wanted was just mindless, hot sex....Getting back to the story, when he said this I was terrified. I had never, EVER thought that I would have feelings for a guy. WTF? Things were getting too weird for me soooo I kind of avoided him and ignored that he said that. We still talked and it still was great when I ignored that. As the week passed by He was All I thought about everyday, he was the person I wanted to come home to, he was my best friend, he was the person that would always make me laugh, talking to him gave me "butterflies" [i know very cliche, but it happened]....I was in love with this guy. So I told him. That was probably the happiest moment I have ever experienced, hearing him say he loved me too. Nothing has come close to that experience. It was just fantastic and the months flew by. BUT we would get into these funks. One of us would get too scared, usually me, and tell the other I don't think I can do this. I don't know if I want this. Mainly the reason I was scared was because I just wasnt sure I could ever picture myself with a man. It also didn't help that he was with someone, a girl.... I KNOW I KNOW, I'm terrible and I hate myself for pursing him. HYPOCRITE, I know I GET IT. Just hear me out...But him having a girlfriend, I pushed myself away because of my experiences with my past relationships. We wouldnt talk to each other for a couple weeks maybe a month, then one of us would break down to the other saying we missed the other. Then the cycle would start over. I like to refer to it as a merry-go-round. We were on the outside, and would move closer and closer together holding onto each other, then someone would let go...then we'd both get back on and it would happen again. We would usually let go due to the feelings of love being too strong, being scared, unsure if we wanted to be in a relationship with a guy...So we created these rules and boundaries for our conversations. The main one was no saying the "L" word to each other...cause it always made things too complicated. I mean besides this we had some other issues as time progresses, but who doesn't. We would be off and on like every other month it seemed like. But I loved him. and he loved me....I had real problems with jealousy that I would hide, cause when we were on break he would have slept with some guy. He was being honest and telling me, which I loved...but I didn't sleep with anyone when we were on break...cause I still loved him, did he not love me? We had rules for what was acceptable and whatnot with other guys, but I guess I was weird cause I only wanted to be with him. IDK, he made me jealous, which I never thought would happen. He didn't seem to get jealous of other guys paying attention to me, which is whatever. On one of the breaks I slept with someone and he didn't really care. Maybe he was hiding it well. I REALLY tried to hide my jealousy, but I think he picked up on it lol. Anyways we really broke up hard this one time because I caught him in a huge lie. I ****ING HATE LIARS, THERE IS NO REASON TO LIE, GROW A PAIR AND TELL THE TRUTH. I was ****ing devastated that this guy I LOVED lied to me, I told him I never wanted to see him again or ever talk to him again. A month went by with no conversation what so ever. EVERY day I thought about him, it was excruciating. I was mad, angry, hurt, and ****ing upset. But I still thought about him every day and wanted him more than anything...He ended up reeling me in with his trademark humor and text me one day, and I responded. Thats all it takes with us. Just the conversation and we get back on that dam merry-go-round. When we are in funks, or at least when he was in one, I could easily tell, we wouldnt talk for days. And when we were on, we would text all day and talk most nights. Things went back into their normal swing of things. The Love word was used more frequently and such. But there was one time it lasted longer than usual. I talked to him about it and apparently his girlfriend had found out and he was trying to fix things. I FELT TERRIBLE. I knew I should have just left way earlier. I was as trashy as my ex, I became what I hated. disgusting. He was really trying with her, so I thought it would be best if I just leave. NO contact, whatsoever, because any contact ALWAYS led to more. We couldn't just be friends. You have no idea how much I just wished we could, but I couldn't take away my feelings for him and he KNOWS he can't take his feelings away for me. He would usually try to text me or say hi maybe every month or so. Maybe on holidays. It would just hurt me more. But it had to be done. I had to stop talking to him, for him. I had to lie to him and tell him I didn't have feelings for him so it would drive him off. Don't get me wrong, talking to him was like magic, but I wasnt going to let him screw up his relationship with his girlfriend anymore. I was really trying to move on. I had started sleeping with other people. Almost ****ing to keep my mind off him. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but not the same. I had reached a point where I stopped thinking about him, I was relieved. I could start over. There was NO WAY in hell I wanted a relationship after that mess, but it was nice to know I could start fresh....then a couple weeks ago he text me saying hi....I was at the gym and I literally had to sit down because of the memories that had started flying back into my head. My heart hurt so much. I was so mean to him when I responded hoping to drive him away...I guess I was getting good at it...He was nice as usual so it hurt more. Granted I was mad at him, anyone put through my situation would probably ****ing hate this guy for being dragged along so much. Yea I was ****ing pissed off, but I still had a soft spot for him. I told him I was in love with someone else (I have a fwb but thats it lol DEFINITELY don't love him), hoping to NOT see any jealousy. I didn't want him to get jealous all the sudden that I was with someone because now he couldnt have me kind of thing. I know it seems like I would be searching for jealousy, but no. I was hoping he wouldnt show it, so I could keep moving on with my life. He didnt, he said he was happy for me. Maybe he hid his jealousy very well lol. But I ended up telling him I can't keep doing this cycle thing. I didnt want to feel anything for him, love or hate, so I could forget him, this whole thing and just move on. I believed that aspect of it. I wanted to just forget everything and move on....but I've been thinking about him everyday since....I thought I was ready? WTF I MEAN REALLY WTF why can't I just move on from this guy???? WHAT THE ****ING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???....And so now here I am telling you this story and unsure if I am in love with him still and brokenhearted... I think I answered my own question in the process of writing this out. Actually typing this out, really helped me get out these feelings, and for the first time in a long time I feel some relief....Maybe I am ready. Regardless of how this turned out, I know the next time I fall for someone this hard, I'm going to hold on and never let go =] . I think I am fine with the fact of me eventually being with a guy....which was crazy, but I think it was this guy. If I end up being in love with someone, I'm not going to let go, no matter if they are a guy or girl. I think I'm okay with it now, because I think I could have seen myself with him in the future. Idk baby steps with everything, but I would have followed this guy to the end of the earth... I know now, if I could have done it with him, theres a chance that I can do it with someone else. I wish him the best with his life, and the most success with everything. I hope his girlfriend realizes what an amazing man she has. I guess its true, the best guys/girls are taken....well lets hope not, for my sake =] ....thanks for listening. I Needed this. Edited February 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator added much needed paragraphs, use them in the future 1
Funstraightman Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Your amazing. Epic. I never stopped thinking of you. NEVER!! I just knew I needed to give you space. Your voice, tone, antics, and humor are beyond compare! Your hotter than your ever realized. That's amazing too!
CaliBabe Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Your amazing. Epic. I never stopped thinking of you. NEVER!! I just knew I needed to give you space. Your voice, tone, antics, and humor are beyond compare! Your hotter than your ever realized. That's amazing too! Uhmmm? .... Confused...
Hoosfoos Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Don't worry, the meth will wear off soon. 1
Author collegeguy129 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 One word: paragraphs. Yea sorry, totally should have lol...this kind of just came out of me unexpectedly that night. Glad someone edited it for me. thanks.
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