changedlife Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I'm not sure if I will be able to collect all of my thoughts coherently in a way that this will make sense. But how do you deal with a dumper that has some mixed feelings? Both of us have been seeing an individual counselor for a while (different counselors). We've also got a lot of external advice from people outside the relationship that aren't counselors, real life friends, online forums, etc. To make a long story short.. I cheated around a year ago. We have been trying to recover ever since then. I've been labeled as co-dependent by others, needing external validation, and a few other possible personality disorders. My counselor hasn't labled me with any disorder or anything like that. My counselor clearly sees how much I loved my ex-girlfriend, and knows it was true love. We dug deeper into why I cheated. I feel like a safe parther now and, We've determined that she is possibly the only person I've ever really loved or trusted in my life. My ex however has just had so many things told to her that she know just thinks that I don't really love her, but I just need her. She broke up with me and initiated NC...but I can tell that she has some major mixed feelings. I broke NC a few days ago explaining a lot of things. I was brutally honest in there with all of my feelings, both good and bad about all of this. Up until this point I told her that I would leave an open door for her and wait for her to make up her mind (pretty weak I guess...huh). I then gave her an ultimatum, that she had two weeks of NC to really figure it all out. Perhaps I should have gave her more time, or perhaps I should have said I was done and moving on so I don't have to literally count down the seconds waiting for the 2 weeks to pass. If I wait a month or two or three before I date somebody else. I know she will think to herself that everybody was right. That I didn't really love her but I just needed external validation. If I continue to wait for her, I could keep waiting and waiting...just to have my heart crushed a year down the road when she starts dating somebody else. I just feel like I am d#mned if I do and d#amned if I don't. I really just love this girl and only want her, and have been really working my ass off to make it work lately. I can tell that she really loves me.. but due to all of the crap that has happened and everything she has been told I guess she just thinks that I don't love her. How do you make them see that? What can I do to make sure I do the right thing? I clearly want to be with her, and she clearly still loves me. But I can't forsee the future and I don't know when or if she will ever come back. I'd wait a year if I knew for sure, just to show her. Not exactly a fun thing to do its been 5 weeks. I could manage another 47. I guess I don't want to give up hope and jump into another relationship several months down the road and then find out she had decided to come back just to see me with somebody else and she then believe that I truly didn't love her. Confusing huh? Yeah.... any thoughts?
Caliguy30 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Speaking from a guy's perspective and having someone cheat on them, it causes major trust issues. Granted, my relationship had a lot of other issues, but it causes the person who was cheated on to feel very insecure and it does raise the question if their partner ever loved them. Being in your position and to give an ultimatum is not fair from my perspective. To be honest if you've tried to show your love and express your feelings to work it out, the best thing to do is try to move on and give her her space. If you have laid all your cards out and she isn't responding to that with clear open communication then move on. She needs time to understand what happened and think if trust is available. It's a devastating blow to be cheated on and personally very hard to work out as one person either feels like they constantly has to work harder to prove they won't cheat again or the other has to try very hard to make sure their partner won't cheat. As I said just speaking from my perspective. I am admittedly co dependent and allowing the cheating and trying to establish something healthy was not something I thought I'd ever overlook.
Author changedlife Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Speaking from a guy's perspective and having someone cheat on them, it causes major trust issues. Granted, my relationship had a lot of other issues, but it causes the person who was cheated on to feel very insecure and it does raise the question if their partner ever loved them. Being in your position and to give an ultimatum is not fair from my perspective. To be honest if you've tried to show your love and express your feelings to work it out, the best thing to do is try to move on and give her her space. If you have laid all your cards out and she isn't responding to that with clear open communication then move on. She needs time to understand what happened and think if trust is available. It's a devastating blow to be cheated on and personally very hard to work out as one person either feels like they constantly has to work harder to prove they won't cheat again or the other has to try very hard to make sure their partner won't cheat. As I said just speaking from my perspective. I am admittedly co dependent and allowing the cheating and trying to establish something healthy was not something I thought I'd ever overlook. Thanks for your reply. I definitely laid all the cards out on the table. She told me to move on and get on with my life about 5 weeks ago. She told me to heal, etc. However we have had some conversations where I can definitely tell that she still loves me. So while part of me feels bad that I did do an ultimatum. She kinda told me to and she hasn't indicated otherwise since she initiated NC. When we initiated NC I told her I would wait as long as it took to show her I loved her and only wanted her, since a lot of her reasons were thinking I was just going to cheat again in the future. I didn't mind waiting a few months to show her that I just don't go out and hook up all the time. But anyway... shes said things that just contradicts her really being done and I feel like my life is just waiting in her hands and she can do whatever she wants. So I guess that is why I told her to take a few weeks to think about it, but after that I was going to move on. I'm not saying I wouldn't go back after that, but I don't know. I'm just gonna get on with my life. Maybe I should have done that from day 1. Who knows.
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 FYI - I don't believe co-dependency or seeking validity are personality disorders and are, in fact, very common... 1
FailedFirstLove Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Hey if you do have these issues I don't think you should date anyone for awhile. Fix yourself first. You want to be able to Be happy by yourself without needing someone...
Author changedlife Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) Hey if you do have these issues I don't think you should date anyone for awhile. Fix yourself first. You want to be able to Be happy by yourself without needing someone... Yeah. I really don't feel like I have these issues though. I know that I don't need her. I know that I've managed life before without her. I know that my heart really breaks and really loves her. I know that I do like being with somebody, to have something to do, have a best friend, somebody to be compassionate with and care for, but I also know that it is different with her. I can try to imagine myself doing the sweet things I used to do with her with somebody else. But everytime I imagine doing that, I know I would be thinking about her. I'd have to take a year or two years to get her off my brain completely. Thinking about that scares me. I can't make her forgive me, I can't make her love me, and I can't make her choose to be with me. It just looks like she has been confused by everything that has happened and just flat out doesn't trust what I say. I get it and I understand that. It's just I offer to give her proof and she refuses to take it. I guess I just need to move on... somehow. I don't want to, I don't think I should. But I guess I just should. I just don't know what I need to do to move on, to forget about her. Quite frankly I don't think I will ever forget about her. I lay in bed and remember our deep conversations in the late hours at night. I remember the way we could look into each others eyes and just know that we loved each other. I've never felt that way before In any of the relationships i've ever been in and I don't know if it can happen again. I just wish she could see how I feel and know it. Its an impossible task when there is no trust. Edited February 23, 2014 by changedlife
ThatMan Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) Something isn't adding up. If you are being labeled as codependent, possibly have a personality disorder, your girlfriend had to hire a lawyer, then how can you sit there and say that you feel safe to be in a relationship now? What exactly has changed in your life? These behaviors are not a light switch to simply flip off whenever you want to. I suspect that you aren't even telling the full story. Why would she need a lawyer to protect herself from you? Why do you feel safe enough to be in a relationship after inflicting pain to the point when your own spouse will suffer trauma and experience PTSD? Why do you feel that your behavior will not continue? You aren't telling the full story. Edited February 23, 2014 by ThatMan
Author changedlife Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Something isn't adding up. If you are being labeled as codependent, possibly have a personality disorder, your girlfriend had to hire a lawyer, then how can you sit there and say that you feel safe to be in a relationship now? What exactly has changed in your life? These behaviors are not a light switch to simply flip off whenever you want to. I suspect that you aren't even telling the full story. Why would she need a lawyer to protect herself from you? Why do you feel safe enough to be in a relationship after inflicting pain to the point when your own spouse will suffer trauma and experience PTSD? Why do you feel that your behavior will not continue? You aren't telling the full story. My girlfriend is a lawyer in her profession. She hasn't had to hire one. Not sure if you are confusing me with somebody else or not? My behavior for the last year has been very loving as we were trying to recover, its just rebuilding that trust barrier has been bad. I haven't been perfect no. I have told some lies about the past while we were recovering because I didn't want to hurt her at the time, but I later confessed about those lies. It damaged the trust too of course.
Caliguy30 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Sorry changed life, but I'll be brutally honest, sounds like your lying and cheating has deeper issues. You need to let this girl be. Your behavior reminds me of my ex lying and cheating and at least you notice it and feel bad. You need time to reflect on everything that's happened and why you did it. I mean I'm glad you recognize that at least, but it's just probably the most hurtful thing someone could do to their partner.
Author changedlife Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Sorry changed life, but I'll be brutally honest, sounds like your lying and cheating has deeper issues. You need to let this girl be. Your behavior reminds me of my ex lying and cheating and at least you notice it and feel bad. You need time to reflect on everything that's happened and why you did it. I mean I'm glad you recognize that at least, but it's just probably the most hurtful thing someone could do to their partner. Yeah I am in counseling right now for why I did it. Have been for a while. I understand why I did it and so does she. It is a much deeper reason coming from my childhood. I've been working through that and recognize it. I definitely agree with you that it is the most hurtful thing somebody could do to their partner. It is just hard regaining that trust after its all gone. She wants to trust me but its just been broken so badly that it is incredibly hard. It seems like I just have to let her go... but it really hurts.. knowing how I feel and what she really wants. I just have to let her make up her own conclusion and let her be comfortable with it. Thanks for the time for your reply.
Recommended Posts