well my love life summed up in 5410 words

[ladyinRED]

I'm in love with two guys. I'm only 17, yet I have had the opportunity to explore a love life at a young age. My first love was when I was 15-16 and my second love is more current as we just broke up a few weeks ago. My first love was truly quite amazing. He lives in California and I live in the midwest. I had met him through some friends while visiting. We went out for about a year, and through those traumatic ups and downs, I had just always thought we'd be together. My naiive way of thinking wasn't a benefit here, as we broke up last July when I was visiting him for 2 weeks. He had cheated on me with two girls and even though I had tried to forgive him, our relationship was broken beyond repair. After, I cried for at least 3 months, a few times a week. I had already started dating guy #2 just a month after I had broken up with my first love. In the beginning it was mostly a rebound. (Even though I was in such lust for him and our first was nothing short of a fairytale) Only a week after we started dating I had gotten drunk and ending up cheating one him 2 nights in a row. I had never cheated on anyone before, so this was new to me. I told him right away (because I can never lie) and he forgave me. By the way this guy was also long distance. He lived closer, about 8 hours from my hometown. When he came in town for the second time, we lost our virginities to eachother, in attempt at trying to become more emotionally attatched. After that I never thought I'd cheat on him again, because I was truly falling in love with him. He was everything I could've asked for: had good morals, faithful, honest, loving, sensitive, attractive...and the list goes on and on. I was going through such a tough time missing him and my first boyfriend, with my family and school. Since he was away at his first year of college, I secretly assumed he was cheating on me, even though this was very far from the truth. One night, a friend came over and we ended up kissing for less then 2 or 3 minutes. He was an attractive guy, but I didn't have the deep feelings for him I did for my boyfriend. I called my boyfriend crying because I felt horrible, and his first reaction was to break up with me. In time he tried to forgive me and we got back together even though I still felt terrible for the actions that I took. After that, our relationship hit a huge obstacle, and it seemed hard for us to move in a positive direction. For months I had been planning a black tie even for my youth group which included a dance and it was incredibly important to me. Because of the unacceptable things I did, my boyfriend decided not to come into town. On one hand I could understand why it was hard for him, but on the other I was very upset because I had replayed over and over in my head how perfect this night was going to be. And through the end he teased me with the idea of maybe coming and disappointed me when I didn't have a date nor got to spend the time I wanted with him. I had won one of the honors for "sweetheart" of the dance, and all I had thought about was him, and I just wanted to burst out in tears. I went to the after party that night and got a little drunk, and ended up kissing this boy and falling asleep with him (just cuddling). I didn't tell my boyfriend. I broke up with him out of guilt, pain, and not seeing him for a month and a half. By hooking up with this boy at the party, I know it was for attention and wanting to be reminded of what it felt like to be close to someone. I had it in my mind I actually had feelings for him, and I ended up also getting with him the next weekend. (Even though my boyfriend and I had gotten back together after he begged me back. I had agreed because I did love him and I didn't want to lose him.) l couldn't handle the things that were going through my head and I ended up telling my boyfriend about what had happened in the past week. He automatically felt suicidal and didn't know what to do. I cried and he cried and we cried together. I could say was "I'm sorry." I went out to visit him a couple weeks after that. I bought him a present for the holidays, convinced my parents to buy me a plane ticket, and really put forth the effort to show him that I wanted to be with him. We had a great time together, but the last day he broke up with me. I was devasted, but I understood the pain I had put him through. It's been a few weeks, and I haven't gotten with any member of the opposite sex. I've been upset and depressed. Even though I had always thought about my first love, after a relationship ending like this, I thought about him even more. I kinda realized what I wanted was my first love. But then...it dawned upon me that the guy I just lost was so rare with unending inner and outer beauty. I wanted him back and I wanted to work through it. He told me I made his life depressing and he'd never go back with me. Recently, he wants to be friends maybe even more in the future. He left me with the question the other night, "How can we do this? If you tell me a way to fix this, I'm willing to try." I don't know what to say to that. I don't even know what to do. I'll never forget him and I'll always love him. Do you have any ideas how I can fix my love life? I just want to be a happy teenager who knows what she wants and has a direction in her life. I have no idea...

[johan]

I'd say you're learning a good lesson. The more drama you are having in your love life, the worse your choices must be. Sooner or later you'll be able to see situations like this coming and you'll be turned off enough to avoid it.

 

Not to nitpick, but I only get 1070 words. 5347 characters (with spaces) or 4278 if you don't include spaces. You might double-check to make sure everything got posted.

[ladyinRED]

i just logged in for the first time since january! i'd love to hear your comments on this past post...a lot has changed since then, but this is the root of everything that has happened lately...thanks so much