The infamous pedestal

[a708]

My girlfriend and i have recently broken up due to distance. She says its the only reason, which i genuinely believe. I think its just tough at the moment as she is at Uni and i am working 4 hours away where i live in the UK.

 

It was decided by her that she needed time to think about things. There was no time period set, she said she couldnt be sure when she would know. This led to her saying i think we should be apart.

 

Basically, the problem cannot change whilst she is at university. she is only in the first year of 3.

She has text me the last 2 weeks asking if im alright and saying she wishes things were different. Also she said she still loves me and misses me.

 

I have been struggling badly with it all. which is natural i suppose for some people (most people even). Since then she has been busy with the uni life, going out and posting pics and stuff on social media. This made it seem like she was having the best of both worlds, knowing there was someone to fall back on to (me) and then going out and enjoying the uni life.

 

Today i made the step of saying i cant talk to her for a bit, whilst i want to be friends.. it is so hard to do that at the moment. So we have started no contact. i find it way too hard to see stuff about her at the moment.

 

She called me after i said this and said that she thought i was having a go at her. Like blaming her, which totally made me feel awful. I havent done anything wrong but feel like im getting the blame. She was just annoyed. Other friends think ive called her bluff so to say and she is now worried.

 

Overall i want her back, of course i do. She is awesome. but i doubt we will.

 

Could i have some advice or thoughts on this please. Would be really grateful.

 

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

I'm sorry for your pain, but you've already shown you're smart enough to do what is best for you. Stick with NC and take care of yourself for now. That means removing from facebook so you don't feel all emotional when statuses pop up.

[a708]

Thanks. I guess its just i need that reassuring that this is the right thing. I love the girl to bits, more than anything. But i know we cant have anything.

 

She was angry and annoyed at the fact i brought this up. I really have no idea why. I don't think i have been unreasonable at all. Considering its something she initiated, i think ive been understanding.

 

Is this a case of she now needs to understand my side?

Is this a normal reaction from her side?

[rosedl]

I am so sorry.

 

You did the right thing by going no contact. She needs to realize that she can't have her cake and eat it too. There are consequences to breaking up with someone and one of those is that the other person will need time and space to move forward in their own life and heal. It demonstrates immaturity and selfishness that she believes you were doing something to her instead of understanding and wanting you to do what you needed in order to be okay.

 

Break ups are so hard.

[a708]

Thanks Rosedl.

 

It is very tough to be honest. I don't feel like she understands my side to this at all. I understand her side and want her to be happy whatever. But it feels like its one rule for her, another for me.

 

I'm hoping this no contact will either make her realize or we both move on happy. I'm constantly trying to look long term, NC will help us both. But overcoming the short term realness is difficult right now.

 

Any more advice would be great!

 

Thanks

[a708]

So my ex split up with me 4 weeks ago now. And I feel really rubbish to be honest, I know it's early days though.

 

I know I'm looking at this girl through rose tinted glasses. As I'm sure most people think about their ex shortly after.. I think she's an absolute 10 in terms of looks, she's funny, cool, and just nice to be around.

 

What I would like to know is.. How do I get past this stage? I understand time is the best thing for it but is there any advice people would give?

 

Thanks

[Caliguy30]

Go No Contact and block her number. I was very reluctant to do this at first, but it has helped. Blocking the number gives you piece of mind that they can't give you breadcrumbs and if they aren't texting you then you have no idea.

[a708]

I have been NC now for two weeks. Going strong!

 

I think it's the relapsing of thoughts. Like I said, I think I'm remembering all of the good things. Looking through rose tinted specs all the time. I was wondering whether anyone had been through the same and found a way to making me believe she was this god to all men! Lol.

 

Hope you can see what I mean, I'm not saying she's suddenly now a horrible person, she's not. But I guess I'm still looking at her like I was when we were together.

 

Any ideas?

 

Appreciate the response!!

[somedude81]

I'm going through the same exact problem as you.

 

All I can see are her positives, the fact that we've never fought makes this even harder.

 

When you know your ex is an amazing woman, how do you get yourself to believe that she isn't?

[Caliguy30]

I've had one long term relationship that ended in the manner that you describe, where I honestly just didn't know what happened when we didn't argue unhealthy arguments or any major flaws. I got over it by accepting we wanted different things in life. We basically appreciated our time together, did I miss her yes did she miss me yes, but we ultimately weren't going to be together forever. I think you just need to appreciate the good times and realize you can have that with someone else. It doesn't feel like it will happen now, but it will.

[Lei Ping]

Remember when she farted in bed and belched after a tasty beverage.

 

 

Remember all the times she wouldn't come out of the bathroom and you had to go.

 

 

Remember her flirting with other Guys when the two of you were out together.

 

 

Remember when she got the runs.

 

 

Remember her standing you up or not liking your friends or not wanting to get her hair wet on that trip to the beach when you wanted to have fun in the water.

 

 

In fact, there are probably 1,000s of things about her that just pist you off to no end and you've been saving all those memories up for the right time.

 

 

Now is the time.

 

 

Remember, no matter how gorgeous, how sexy, how charming a Woman is, there's some Guy out there who got tired of her isht and hit <Eject>.

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

Although I had a short lived relationship, I had unknowingly placed her on a pedestal. It wasn't until 2 months later that I realized there are so many things I don't like about her. She sucked at talking about her feelings, she was a bit if a drama queen, was not very forgiving for one perceived mistake, she thought she was always more stressed out with work than I was. She thought the world revolved around her and it pisses me off now.

[a708]

Appreciate the responses.

 

There are definitely different approaches to this.

 

Seeing her cons rather than the pros

 

Caliguy: I think you're right in my case. Unfortunately. I guess it's hard being on the receiving end of it all. It's a massive confidence shocker. Which is crazy really because we all had the confidence to get to where we were.

 

 

The horrible thing about this all is just coming to the realisation point I believe. Once you hit that point you can rebuild. Until then the mind is making us think about all the good times. Interesting I suppose.

 

 

Thanks!

[a708]

Weallwalkthelongroad: it's a good point you make. I think the whole pedestal thing is such a big deal in break ups. It's subconscious; no one can help it. I think later down the road I will be at that point too. What you've done is take her off that pedestal, and now are seeing her for who she is/ how she must come across to everyone else.

 

I guess that's made you glad you're out of it now and are looking elsewhere?

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

In a way, yes. And in another way, no. She did have a lot of great qualities that I did like about her, and still do to a certain degree. Her communication skills just really sucked. I know it's over and I'm moving on but I still do have a soft spot in my heart for her. I'm NC now for 8 days and I don't see that changing anytime soon. There's a good chance it may never change too but I take it one day at a time.

[a708]

One day at a time is the only way my man! Good luck.