nohardfelines Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 My wife and I are both 32, and we've been married for almost 7 years. We have two young children (4 and 2). Please forgive me if this gets long winded, but I feel as though i'm falling apart and could definitely use some other opinions... She's been unhappy for some time now, and though i've tried to be attentive to her, it got very bad in January. She called me at work one day and we had the first honest conversation that we've had in years. We talked about our mutual unhappiness, and she asked if I would mind staying with the kids for a couple of days while she took some time for herself. Of course, I said. Whatever you need. She spent a day away and when she returned, I was expecting for us to finally call it quits, but she surprised me. We sat on the porch and talked for hours about how we've both been unhappy and blaming each other for it, holding things inside instead of letting them out until we both got resentful and depressed. She apologized for blaming me for so long, when the actual cause of her unhappiness was not wanting to just become "Mom." She was feeling guilty for wanting to go back to work and not just stay home with the kids. Of course I understood. The only reason I supported the initial decision was because we both thought it was what she wanted. She wants to go back to work? Awesome, i'll support you 100% and we can make any changes to our lives that are necessary. It was amazing. The week following was easily the best week of my life. It was like we found each other all over again. We couldn't bear to be apart and I realized that I had been miserable for years. Then it cooled, and fast. She shut down and, try as I might, I couldn't get her to open up about what was upsetting her. She answered my questions as stiffly as possible, turned her face to give me her cheek when I went to kiss her, clung to her side of the bed like the cure for cancer was hidden under her side of the sheets. The wall just came flying back up and after the sweetness of that week...it was unbearable. Her birthday came up and we went out for dinner and drinks. One of the most uncomfortable, seething nights of my life. Ever held someone's hand when they would clearly rather you didn't? It's awful. Finally I broke down and asked her to come outside with me. I told her that I could tell that she was regretting our decision and that we shouldn't waste any more time unhappy. We could keep our family as together as possible and stay friends. Neither of us needed to move out, and I would support her for as long as it took to find a job and shore up some money. Anything. And so it went for about a week. We were friendly with each other, but stayed out of each other's way once the kids were in bed. I spent time at the gym, she spent a lot of time on Facebook, etc. I wasn't making any progress with getting over her, but I was trying, you know? Then at work I get a long message that starts with "I don't want to do this..." She told me how much she wanted it to work, how much she wanted us to start fresh, start over. What could I do? I told my boss I had an emergency and drove home as fast as I could. Honestly, I was waiting for anything, any sign that would tip me in this direction. We had a tearful reunion, spent an hour embracing in the kitchen while the kids tore the living room apart. It was good. Since then, i've tried to change everything about how I treat our relationship. I don't answer work calls at home, I make sure I leave work when I say i'm going to and I for d**n sure make sure she knows when i'm thinking about her, and that I love her. But now that wall has come back up again, once more just a week or so later. When I asked her "How are you feeling about us?" She shrugs and says she doesn't know. She cries and tells me that she "can't just turn the love back on" like a switch, and that, while she can tell that i'm trying to change, she can't trust me to stay that way. This feels like a complete 180 from what she told me before, because suddenly this is only me saving this marriage. What happened to starting over? What I wanted to tell her when she told me that she couldn't just fall in love with me again in a day was this, "I can't either, but i'm trying." Now i'm reading too much into everything, and I feel angry and hurt from the time I get up to the time I close my eyes at night. Anybody? I could really use someone else's opinion here... TL:DR - My wife appears to be flip-flopping about reconciling. Thanks
TaraMaiden Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 You guys need to go to M.Counselling. Your communication methods suck - you're pasting over the cracks and you're obviously not addressing whatever is really renting the relationship apart... I get you probably have a deep affection for one another, but something isn't getting resolved. She either knows exactly what it is and is scared of talking about it on her own with you - or she's muddle-headed not clear about her own feelings and needs a 'safe' environment to be able to put it all on the table for review.... Tell her (don't ask, don't suggest) tell her you value this too much to keep flip-flopping back and forth - you want bher to be happy and you'll do whatever it takes to do whatever it takes. And got to counselling together. Or lose this for good, and in a bad way. 1
Author nohardfelines Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 And got to counselling together. Or lose this for good, and in a bad way. Definitely. I had the appointment scheduled the same day that she sent me the message. One of the things that we talked about that day in the kitchen was that we had to start counseling right away, before the communication dries up again. I remember telling her that I was happy that we were going to try again, but scared. I'll never forget what she said to me after that, "I'm scared too, we can be scared together." I just feel like i'm the only one willing to actually start over. I want to get to know my wife again, not as a mother and a wife but as the girl that I met and fell in love with, but when I try to talk about our relationship, I get stonewalled with "why couldn't you have done this x amount of time ago?" ARGH!
lil hoodlum Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Nohardfelines, I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain and anguish over your wifes behaviour through all this. I am also I kept thinking while reading your post that she more than likely is talking to someone else. Maybe someone on Facebook? Maybe she is having an emotional affair or more? Again, just my opinion. I hope that I am wrong. The only advice I can give you echos what TaraMaiden has said. She knows what the problem(s) are but isn't willing to be open about it. I would press harder about what the issues are. How is the sex life? Has there been a change in the last few months or more?
MoooOinkBaaa Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Something is really up with your relationship, there is something she doesn't want or really does want that is causing her to be this way. There is always a reason and I could bet she is being attracted to others, it always happens in every relationship. 1
Author nohardfelines Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 The only advice I can give you echos what TaraMaiden has said. She knows what the problem(s) are but isn't willing to be open about it. I would press harder about what the issues are. Pressing harder....yeah, not the answer. I pushed for her to talk to me on Saturday night, but she reacted with anger. She's always complained about not getting enough affection from me, so i've been very careful to be expressive about my feelings since our breakup. I've also made it a point to press for communication, since that was the main reason behind things going south between us in the first place. However, apparently I was being too affectionate, and too communicative. (?) I got it thrown back in my face, that I was putting too much pressure on her with the flowers, the notes, the calling just to let her know I love her, etc. The word "pathetic" was used. So why on Earth did you want to get back together???
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Because she missed having a sap to bully..... Please give this up as pointless schytt... I mean really - do you NEED this crap?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 She loves u but she's not in love with u but cant quite cut the strings... this happens commonly at the end of a relationship, when u arent together she wants u and when u are together she doesnt... its going to continue like this until u take a stand x
LifeGoesOnMan Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Something is really up with your relationship, there is something she doesn't want or really does want that is causing her to be this way. There is always a reason and I could bet she is being attracted to others, it always happens in every relationship. sad truth, but its almost always the reason.
flightplan Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I saw the exact same thing in one of my best friends relationship. It was no surprise to ultimately find out there was someone else in the picture he didn't know about. This happens quite a bit. I agree with Mooo... I can almost bet she is torn between the excitement and attraction of a new interest versus making the old one work with you. 1
Author nohardfelines Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Not feeling too great about things. Unraveling, to be honest. But i'm trying the 180 thing now, we'll see how it all goes.
Mcnulty Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Someone's catching her heart mate. She's torn by the sounds of it. Best thing to do is back off, leave her be to sort herself out, you don't deserve to be treat this way..keep your dignity and no more affection or words to come from you...now it's her, who has to repair this, hopefully by being honest. Lots of luck.
Author nohardfelines Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Came home last night to her sitting outside waiting for me with a nicely worded letter. Separate paths, feelings changed, etc. Letter finished with 'i'm sorry.' And that's the end of that.
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 This whole mess was allowed to develop for far too long before either of you noticed it was in pieces all over the floor. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I guess, now you have it clear-cut and dried. If she tries again, to reconcile, you do realise you can never fit all the fragments back together again.... right? Next time, just say no. Save yourself a lot of anxiety, pain and renewed heartbreak.
Scott Thomas Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Any chance there might be another man? A direct approach won't work-she'll deny and erase at evidence. Are you in any position to verify that there isn't anybody else at work, gym, neighborhood etc? *Common signs include spending more time with her mobile or laptop, our frequent visits to a friend etc...
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