Why does a single person knowingly get involved with a married one?

February 26, 2014

My point is this:

All of these qualities aren't exclusive to MM. You can find them in SM, without the drama. I'm sure there's also the subconscious desire to be with someone who's "taken", that you're attractive/desirable enough to get the attention of someone who's involved with someone else. It's an understandable feeling that we all appreciate. The difference is that most people don't act on it, IMO.

MM, like most men, will say and do a lot of things that aren't necessarily in character to seduce a woman. Regardless of age. All men don't like to watch sports, but the one's that do can certainly create the illusion that they don't in order to get closer to someone. Again, not a quality anywhere close to exclusive to MM.

February 27, 2014

This is why I get so brutal with these guys here on the forums that know something is seriously wrong but refuse to believe that she may be doinking on the side because, "she doesn't have enough time for an affair."

If she's not expected home from the store for another 15 minutes, she has time.

candlelight dinners, moonlight strolls on the beach, hours of heart-to-heart talks, terms of endearment and vows of devotion and commitment are the arena of single women. Married women have already got that covered and are often just looking for some extra d!ck and getting extra d!ck can literally take minutes.

My record was one of my FWBs called me when she was getting off the night shift and was dropping the kids off at school and was going to swing by my house on her way home and that her husband was home. As she walked in the door she literally said, "we have 5 minutes!" and she walked into the bedroom taking off her clothes. I think it was actually closer to 10 minutes but she was home without any suspicion.

That was 22 years ago. She's on my Facebook friends list. they are still married to this day.

I've never cheated. But I think the circumstances for a cheater are the same for any liar. You'll never trust anyone you're with not to cheat.

February 27, 2014

I've never cheated. But I think the circumstances for a cheater must be the same for any liar. You'll never trust anyone you're with not to cheat.

Sorry. Wasn't trying to quote you.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Roselyn

February 27, 2014

When I was single my single friends that dated older married men were the girls that could not get guys in our age bracket. They needed to be needed and these men were available. It always seemed to be the loser guy at work they dated, like the shift manager that never made it to middle manager type. I always felt badly that they settled for so little just to have someone, anyone. Sadly most of these women did not marry well as they never developed the self worth needed for a healthy relationship. This was all going on in my twenties. Now in my forties the only single women I know well are divorced and none would date a married man, they are older, wiser and more accomplished than that.

Actually this contrasts with the OW I know of. By and large they were attractive and had no trouble or should have had no trouble finding single guys for relationship....but obviously not the guy's that got them excited.

February 27, 2014

The serial ow whom I have come across in my lifetime all fell into two groups. They were either incredibly insecure, so much so that they had to build up their ego by feeling like they " stole" someone else's spouse, or they were quite deluded and quite frankly, morally bankrupt.

The women in the second group were the type of person who could never be trusted. They felt entitled to anything and everything, by virtue of some self perceived superiority to everyone else.

The women in the first group always, at least to me, seemed quite pathetically sad and pitiable. The more they tried to build themselves up by " seducing " other women's husbands, the worse they felt, as so. So e level, they didn't really like themselves or what they were doing.

Either way, it's quite sad.

February 27, 2014

MM don't immediately want to M you and have kids with you.
MM have someone else taking care of the stuff you're not interested in.
MM are usually gagging for good, hot sex, not wanting to watch sport on TV.
MM aren't up themselves, in general.
MM are interested in you, not just in themselves.
MM appreciate quality.
MM understand that you have a life to live, and that they can only be a small part of it.
MM don't smother you.
MM do not make realistic demands.
MM don't feel threatened by your career.
MM accept that you have friends you want to spend time with.
MM have a better sense of perspective about where a R fits into your life.

Etc.

I assume you are speaking for yourself here, as if most of the stories written by ow on here are valid, they didn't set out to have an affair. They didn't weigh the pros and cons in a cold and calculating way. They would have preferred it if he wasn't married, but he was.

February 27, 2014

I assume you are speaking for yourself here, as if most of the stories written by ow on here are valid, they didn't set out to have an affair. They didn't weigh the pros and cons in a cold and calculating way. They would have preferred it if he wasn't married, but he was.

Actually, it was an on-topic response to the OP, which asked:

What benefits or rewards are there?

February 27, 2014

All of these qualities aren't exclusive to MM. You can find them in SM, without the drama.

Perhaps there are some SM who have those qualities, but they may be lacking others that are at least as important to the person seeking. For example, a SM with all the qualities listed may also have very poor personal hygiene, and to the person seeking, personal hygiene may be more important than whether or not the potential has a vestigial partner.

And, being single is no guarantee of an absence of drama, just as being M is no guarantee that drama will occur.

I'm sure there's also the subconscious desire to be with someone who's "taken", that you're attractive/desirable enough to get the attention of someone who's involved with someone else. It's an understandable feeling that we all appreciate.

As pointed out just a post or two above, many of the OW who post on these forums would have preferred that the man was not M. Personally, I didn't consider the attention of a taken person to be a measure. My own desirability or attractiveness. I had plenty of other feedback to form a view. Nor was it a competitive thing. It was simply what worked for me at the time.

February 27, 2014

The serial ow whom I have come across in my lifetime all fell into two groups. They were either incredibly insecure, so much so that they had to build up their ego by feeling like they " stole" someone else's spouse, or they were quite deluded and quite frankly, morally bankrupt.

The women in the second group were the type of person who could never be trusted. They felt entitled to anything and everything, by virtue of some self perceived superiority to everyone else.

The women in the first group always, at least to me, seemed quite pathetically sad and pitiable. The more they tried to build themselves up by " seducing " other women's husbands, the worse they felt, as so. So e level, they didn't really like themselves or what they were doing.

Either way, it's quite sad.

Absolutely in some circumstances rumbleseat. The other woman my husband entertained was the above highlighted in the main with elements of the former to boot.

Insecure, single for many many years after a 7 year marriage, (thankfully barren so no children to bring into the mess she and my husband made), hell bent on 'stealing' her married man, self entitled, and just as big a liar as he was.

What a pitiful way to live one's life....

Edited February 27, 2014 by experiencethedevine
addition

February 27, 2014

Perhaps there are some SM who have those qualities, but they may be lacking others that are at least as important to the person seeking. For example, a SM with all the qualities listed may also have very poor personal hygiene, and to the person seeking, personal hygiene may be more important than whether or not the potential has a vestigial partner.

And, being single is no guarantee of an absence of drama, just as being M is no guarantee that drama will occur.

Definitely true. I guess I'm trying to clarify the original point of the topic, then. What is the allure of a man who is married? What are the traits that are unique to him, being married, that separate him from a single man? Things like hygiene, their appreciation for quality, watching sports, etc. have nothing to do with whether they're married or not, IMO. Saying something like "a MM may be better with kids because he has them and he's a great dad" would be a more genuine answer. Ironically, that would actually be one of the cons in your situation.

Re: the drama. Yes, it's another general quality that isn't exclusive to either a single or married man. But the drama of an A - the deception, the hiding, the potential pain to a BS and a family, etc.- is one that is definitely specific to a MM.

February 27, 2014

I've been hit on by a lot of married guys and they're very consistent on how they pitch an affair.

Based on their approach I think it works for some women who are naturally competitive romantically. They need to prove to themselves that they're more attractive and more loving than another woman or that they're so wonderful a happily married man will choose her for a special romantic relationship. If you have that issue, you're going to be a great target.

Here's what married men almost uniformly say, it may be one conversation or strung out over a few months:

1. I'm relatively happily married for a couple who have been together so long , usually with great kids, she's my best friend/great mother. Several anecdotes about how great she is, how proud he is. ("Oh he's such a great guy, wish I could find someone who valued me like that!")

2. But something has come between us (she's busy, she's sick, she's got interests that exclude him, there is a natural less interest in sex because they're so familiar with each other ("Oh poor guy. How could she ignore such a great guy?!")

3. You are really special ("Me? Oh. Wow, a great guy finds me great too")

4. I'm getting very close to you. This is so unusual, never has happened before. I'm so miserable with my feelings for you. ("Oh my fabulous charms have enslaved him. I feel guilty for creating these feelings in a married man.")

5. I must have you, but we must not get caught, I would never want to hurt her. (This is what most women miss, he's saying he wants you but in a way being clear he doesn't mean he wants to REALLY be with you, just sneak around)

Guys tend to play a numbers game, they run it frequently eventually finding the woman who needs to be 'special'. When you understand that, it's not so flattering.

February 27, 2014

this is the familiar route we all take isn't it?

you meet someone, you like them, they like you, and eventually you want to take it further…

just so happens this person you've formed a close relationship with is already in a relationship…

now you can say you never should have "pursued" them in the first place but sometimes these things evolve outside of traditional relationship boundaries…

February 27, 2014

I dont believe there is love in a affair

I can only speak from personal experience but I completely and passionately disagree.

February 27, 2014

My daughter and I have been deep in discussion surrounding something I am currently involved in, and the question arose, ' why would a single woman/man knowingly get into an affair with a married man/woman?

What benefits or rewards are there?

There's two different situations here...

If it's a case where someone, without realizing it, falls for a mm/mw, then there may not be any sort of the pros and cons. they really would prefer that the person not have been M when they met them, and they are not proud or happy that he/she is M.

From what most ap say on here, they didn't seek out a relationship with a mp.

If someone actually prefers mm or mw and seeks them out as opposed to single people, then there is something that they simply can not get from a single person. As I stated before, in my experience, it's always been sort fo a band aid for their deep seated sense of insecurity and self doubt, or the person is extremely self centered, entitled, not to be trusted and, to be honest, more than a little delusional about their own importance. If it's a woman who is like that, i have always found that they don't seem to like other females very much, and see themselves as better than them somehow.

February 27, 2014

I've been hit on by a lot of married guys and they're very consistent on how they pitch an affair.

Based on their approach I think it works for some women who are naturally competitive romantically. They need to prove to themselves that they're more attractive and more loving than another woman or that they're so wonderful a happily married man will choose her for a special romantic relationship. If you have that issue, you're going to be a great target.

Here's what married men almost uniformly say, it may be one conversation or strung out over a few months:

1. I'm relatively happily married for a couple who have been together so long , usually with great kids, she's my best friend/great mother. Several anecdotes about how great she is, how proud he is. ("Oh he's such a great guy, wish I could find someone who valued me like that!")
2. But something has come between us (she's busy, she's sick, she's got interests that exclude him, there is a natural less interest in sex because they're so familiar with each other ("Oh poor guy. How could she ignore such a great guy?!")
3. You are really special ("Me? Oh. Wow, a great guy finds me great too")
4. I'm getting very close to you. This is so unusual, never has happened before. I'm so miserable with my feelings for you. ("Oh my fabulous charms have enslaved him. I feel guilty for creating these feelings in a married man.")
5. I must have you, but we must not get caught, I would never want to hurt her. (This is what most women miss, he's saying he wants you but in a way being clear he doesn't mean he wants to REALLY be with you, just sneak around)

Guys tend to play a numbers game, they run it frequently eventually finding the woman who needs to be 'special'. When you understand that, it's not so flattering.

Most illuminating Veronica, and very astute........

February 27, 2014

this is the familiar route we all take isn't it?
you meet someone, you like them, they like you, and eventually you want to take it further…
just so happens this person you've formed a close relationship with is already in a relationship…
now you can say you never should have "pursued" them in the first place but sometimes these things evolve outside of traditional relationship boundaries…

No. I'm afraid 'things' do not 'evolve'. You were correct initially. They should not have been 'pursued'. Fact..........

February 28, 2014

There's two different situations here...

Again, I completely disagree. This is not a black and white, either or, situation. It's complicated with extreme variations of greys and other myriad and vivid colours of the spectrum.

February 28, 2014

No. I'm afraid 'things' do not 'evolve'. You were correct initially. They should not have been 'pursued'. Fact..........

Does anyone here live in the real world?

Are all your situations and choices so cut and dried?

Sorry, but that sounds like a very sad and uniform world to live in, I'm glad I'm not part of it.

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Why does a single person knowingly get involved with a married one?

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