Why does a single person knowingly get involved with a married one?

February 23, 2014

When I was single my single friends that dated older married men were the girls that could not get guys in our age bracket. They needed to be needed and these men were available. It always seemed to be the loser guy at work they dated, like the shift manager that never made it to middle manager type. I always felt badly that they settled for so little just to have someone, anyone. Sadly most of these women did not marry well as they never developed the self worth needed for a healthy relationship. This was all going on in my twenties. Now in my forties the only single women I know well are divorced and none would date a married man, they are older, wiser and more accomplished than that.

February 23, 2014

My daughter and I have been deep in discussion surrounding something I am currently involved in, and the question arose, ' why would a single woman/man knowingly get into an affair with a married man/woman?

What benefits or rewards are there?

I have spent many years with these thoughts - painful ones.

Why? Morally they may believe the usual excuses of "We have not been sexual in years" to "my wife knows" to "Its not my marriage so I am not cheating" and so much more. Emotionally they may have feelings for the married person. Physically they may be sexual attracted. Psychologically the married person may fill a hole or need in the single person. Or they may simply be selfish and a dog in heat.

Benefits/Rewards? Sex, fun, fulfillment, co dependency, drama, and so much more. Frankly if you can get pass the moral issue - they can have the benefits of any relationship - and perhaps even a bit of "forbidden fruit excitement" or even competition.

Edited February 23, 2014 by dichotomy

February 23, 2014

My daughter and I have been deep in discussion surrounding something I am currently involved in, and the question arose, ' why would a single woman/man knowingly get into an affair with a married man/woman?

What benefits or rewards are there?

I have to wonder if it is just plain old being desperate.

I once came into a relationship a little early as a couple, married 2 years, was separating. Thinking back, there weren't so many women to choose from back then. She was the only one I found attractive in my sphere. I was desperate.

These days, single again, I wouldn't even think for a moment about married women. There are plenty of single ones to choose from.

Edited February 23, 2014 by theothersully

February 23, 2014

Married women are easy. By that, what I mean is that many of them are not emotionally satisfied in their married life, are being taken for granted and are starving for attention. All you have to do is be patient, become a friend, who will listen to them.

Easy sex

They are already married, so in most cases are not looking for a commitment

Also, in most cases the sex is fantastic. Once they step over the line they seem to drop all inhibitions, and will try dirty sexual things they refused to do with their husbands. In fact they will ask you to try it with them

I also found it to be super erotic to be banging somebody elses property. Sort of like raiding farmer Dowells watermelon patch, but a much bigger and sexual rush.

Great Sex

February 23, 2014

Im a divorced woman in my 40ies, he is a long time married man in his 50ies, we have had what you might call an EA for 2 yrs. We have not been physical, we dont meet, we are not in contact, we see each other because we are part of the same community and we do activities together.

He started flirting with me and hitting on me 2 yrs ago and he was very persistent. I didnt think anything of it at the beginning because he was much older and I knew he was married. Then due to outside circumstances we spent some time together, in an environment that was propitious for romance (not our choice). It escalated to mild sexual flirting and suddenly I fell for him. He is a good looking man and charming and we have a connection (sounds lame, I know, but sparks fly when we are in the same room, even other people notice it). It still lasts, although we dont see often. And we still do these activities together, although he could quit the community, but he has not.

My 2 cents.

February 23, 2014

I think they actually believe the lie that since they are not the ones married, they are not doing anything wrong. Kind of like the person who drives the getaway car in the bank robbery thinks that because they didn't actually steal the money they are innocent.

February 23, 2014

I think they actually believe the lie that since they are not the ones married, they are not doing anything wrong. Kind of like the person who drives the getaway car in the bank robbery thinks that because they didn't actually steal the money they are innocent.

I have witnessed such statements of 'no responsibility' here jane, and have countless recollections of hearing similar.

I have also encountered the ones who say that the affair with a single person is possibly more dangerous because the single person has no reason to cover anything up, is not married, and can make demands that are a very real threat to the married person.

I have conversely also encountered the idea that if both people involved in an affair are married, they are less at risk because they BOTH have equal possible losses to bear.

??????????????? Sometimes I need a holiday from my work!!..................

February 23, 2014

I think they actually believe the lie that since they are not the ones married, they are not doing anything wrong. Kind of like the person who drives the getaway car in the bank robbery thinks that because they didn't actually steal the money they are innocent.

That may be true for some, I certainly did not feel innocent. Hence.. all of the justification we do to ourselves.

February 23, 2014

Married women are easy. By that, what I mean is that many of them are not emotionally satisfied in their married life, are being taken for granted and are starving for attention. All you have to do is be patient, become a friend, who will listen to them.

Easy sex

They are already married, so in most cases are not looking for a commitment

Also, in most cases the sex is fantastic. Once they step over the line they seem to drop all inhibitions, and will try dirty sexual things they refused to do with their husbands. In fact they will ask you to try it with them

I also found it to be super erotic to be banging somebody elses property. Sort of like raiding farmer Dowells watermelon patch, but a much bigger and sexual rush.

Great Sex

Wow 2.50, you're quite a stud, aren't you. Let's see, maybe nab a little candy of the kid next door.

February 23, 2014

Wow 2.50, you're quite a stud, aren't you. Let's see, maybe nab a little candy of the kid next door.

Poop, 2.50 is talking about a specific period in his life a couple of decades ago. I found his posts on a past thread of mine very helpful in explaining aspects of male behavior. His response is just as helpful as anyone else's.

February 23, 2014

Most single men don't pledge undying love and propose on bended knee within weeks or months in a new relationship. A single man usually takes it slow in getting to know a woman and see where the relationship may go. A single man will not future fake and has no real excuse or reason to prevent the relationship to progress into something more serious.

Married men come on strong, they profess undying love and if only....but....

Married men love bomb the single woman...they will promise them the world if only....and the single woman wants to believe it...she wants to be supportive and she understands it will take time...she understands he needs to get his finances in order before he divorces....and of course she understands he loves his kids and that also makes her love and respect him even more because he's such a good man....

Single and vulnerable woman experience a high dose of drama and intense emotions that is usually no comparison to dating single men. Married men work harder at promising everything they can't give. Single men don't play that game.

Many ex-OW have a hard time dating single men after an affair. The intensity is no where near and as dramatic as it is with a married man who sweeps them off their feet.

Just my guess:

Guess again....

Rubbish, utter rubbish, my MM did not tell me he loved me for more than two years. You imagine all this. Emotions and emotions, married or not married. You fall in love, and then all hell breaks loose, but you would not know as you have not been there.

I have had single men who also went overboard with their professions of love. No difference, but you want to think that, then if it makes you feel better, Of course it is not real love, noooooooo, he/she? has been married to you for years, cannot possible love someone else, you are talking utter rubbish!!!

We all have our own versions of what love is, I have known true love, you have not.

Edited February 23, 2014 by verity123

February 23, 2014

Married women are easy. By that, what I mean is that many of them are not emotionally satisfied in their married life, are being taken for granted and are starving for attention. All you have to do is be patient, become a friend, who will listen to them.

Easy sex

They are already married, so in most cases are not looking for a commitment

Also, in most cases the sex is fantastic. Once they step over the line they seem to drop all inhibitions, and will try dirty sexual things they refused to do with their husbands. In fact they will ask you to try it with them

I also found it to be super erotic to be banging somebody elses property. Sort of like raiding farmer Dowells watermelon patch, but a much bigger and sexual rush.

Great Sex

Sadly this is accurate. its easy sex with none of the work

February 24, 2014

Guess again....
Rubbish, utter rubbish, my MM did not tell me he loved me for more than two years. You imagine all this. Emotions and emotions, married or not married. You fall in love, and then all hell breaks loose, but you would not know as you have not been there.

I have had single men who also went overboard with their professions of love. No difference, but you want to think that, then if it makes you feel better, Of course it is not real love, noooooooo, he/she? has been married to you for years, cannot possible love someone else, you are talking utter rubbish!!!

We all have our own versions of what love is, I have known true love, you have not.

Um… who are you to tell someone whether they've experience true love or not, exactly? Messy, messy...

February 24, 2014

Guess again....
Rubbish, utter rubbish, my MM did not tell me he loved me for more than two years. You imagine all this. Emotions and emotions, married or not married. You fall in love, and then all hell breaks loose, but you would not know as you have not been there.

I have had single men who also went overboard with their professions of love. No difference, but you want to think that, then if it makes you feel better, Of course it is not real love, noooooooo, he/she? has been married to you for years, cannot possible love someone else, you are talking utter rubbish!!!

We all have our own versions of what love is, I have known true love, you have not.

Love shmove ....

How is the way he is treating you any different from how he treats his bs? Either way, he's acting like a total loser.

Maybe he loves you, I don't know. What I do know is that if this is his version of love, then I sure wouldn't want to see his version of hate.

February 24, 2014

In the case of my sis , she was in a vulnerable position emotionally and this guy seemed like a good man, a good husband and father. Someone she wished she had in her life for herself and her daughter. I think he was looking for an exit affair.

He lives in another country and I suppose at the time was convenient romantic escape fantasy. I don't think it was physical from the first but developed that way but now they are in an emotional tangle which requires both to profess their "love" for each other.

Why "love"? Because it makes them feel less in control of their actions (therefore not responsible for themselves or their families or any of the nasty fallout) it was more exciting and enabled both to lie to themselves that they were still good people.

Benefit? They are both getting what they need because they are in love with their own created fantasies.

February 24, 2014

Guess again....
Rubbish, utter rubbish, my MM did not tell me he loved me for more than two years. You imagine all this. Emotions and emotions, married or not married. You fall in love, and then all hell breaks loose, but you would not know as you have not been there.

I have had single men who also went overboard with their professions of love. No difference, but you want to think that, then if it makes you feel better, Of course it is not real love, noooooooo, he/she? has been married to you for years, cannot possible love someone else, you are talking utter rubbish!!!

We all have our own versions of what love is, I have known true love, you have not.

I agree that your version of love is something I have not experienced. :laugh:

February 24, 2014

Guess again....
Rubbish, utter rubbish, my MM did not tell me he loved me for more than two years. You imagine all this. Emotions and emotions, married or not married. You fall in love, and then all hell breaks loose, but you would not know as you have not been there.

I have had single men who also went overboard with their professions of love. No difference, but you want to think that, then if it makes you feel better, Of course it is not real love, noooooooo, he/she? has been married to you for years, cannot possible love someone else, you are talking utter rubbish!!!

We all have our own versions of what love is, I have known true love, you have not.

Verity - I have seen many BS on here admit that their WS's did love their affair partner.

February 24, 2014

Guess again....
Rubbish, utter rubbish, my MM did not tell me he loved me for more than two years. You imagine all this. Emotions and emotions, married or not married. You fall in love, and then all hell breaks loose, but you would not know as you have not been there.

I have had single men who also went overboard with their professions of love. No difference, but you want to think that, then if it makes you feel better, Of course it is not real love, noooooooo, he/she? has been married to you for years, cannot possible love someone else, you are talking utter rubbish!!!

We all have our own versions of what love is, I have known true love, you have not.

You have no idea what the poster has experienced regarding 'love'.

The fact remains that the experience the two people are party to in an affair are actually those very persons living their own 'alternative' reality.

This is in fact not reality at all, but a persistent state of hyper arousal by virtue of not having any notable elements of a 'normal' relationship. This hyper arousal state is maintained by the avoidance of a reality indicated by that which is experienced in the marriage. As has been said before many times here. Affair partners don't pay bills together, don't 'share' their finances, don't look after each others aging parents......... the list goes on..

An awful lot of don'ts versus a few do's. Is it more complicated by one of the affair partners being single? Quite likely, as one is probably more invested. Not the best way to live is it?

The affair dynamic cannot become 'normal' while it exists clandestinely. FACT.

Love has bug*ar all to do with it.

Edited February 24, 2014 by experiencethedevine

February 24, 2014

Poop

Thank you for the compliment.

For the record, like you, my marriage was invaded by an OM. In my case it was about half a dozen of her co-workers who caught her ear, and from there on, there was nothing I could do or say, that they could not find some way to give it a negative spin. I was clingy, I was using her for her money, I was having an affair. We fought for 5 months.

When the break up came, I thought they deserved a taste of their own medicine and went after their wives.

February 24, 2014

When the break up came, I thought they deserved a taste of their own medicine and went after their wives.

I feel bad for saying this as a BH who's felt the effect of an A, but I'd be lying if I didn't somewhat appreciate this. I also had a friend in my WW's ear saying I may have been having my own A, with a student. Unfortunately, the friend was a single woman, so not much I could do with that.

February 24, 2014

What benefits or rewards are there?

MM don't immediately want to M you and have kids with you.

MM have someone else taking care of the stuff you're not interested in.

MM are usually gagging for good, hot sex, not wanting to watch sport on TV.

MM aren't up themselves, in general.

MM are interested in you, not just in themselves.

MM appreciate quality.

MM understand that you have a life to live, and that they can only be a small part of it.

MM don't smother you.

MM do not make realistic demands.

MM don't feel threatened by your career.

MM accept that you have friends you want to spend time with.

MM have a better sense of perspective about where a R fits into your life.

Etc.

February 24, 2014

MM don't immediately want to M you and have kids with you.
MM have someone else taking care of the stuff you're not interested in.
MM are usually gagging for good, hot sex, not wanting to watch sport on TV.
MM aren't up themselves, in general.
MM are interested in you, not just in themselves.
MM appreciate quality.
MM understand that you have a life to live, and that they can only be a small part of it.
MM don't smother you.
MM do not make realistic demands.
MM don't feel threatened by your career.
MM accept that you have friends you want to spend time with.
MM have a better sense of perspective about where a R fits into your life.

Etc.

I don't mean to sound flippant, but I had to chuckle at some of this. What you've described is also a 25-year old kid who's looking to sow his oats but lives with his parents. None of us "watch sports" when we're looking to hook up.

February 25, 2014

1.)Sex

2.)No one respects marriage like that

Plus there are some guys who get off(pun intended ) at the idea of banging someone else's girl whether its a wife or a gf

February 26, 2014

I don't mean to sound flippant, but I had to chuckle at some of this. What you've described is also a 25-year old kid who's looking to sow his oats but lives with his parents.

I'll have to take your word for that. I don't know any 25y/o who still live with their parents, but I'd be willing to best at least a good proportion of those are up themselves, and do have unrealistic expectations, are probably interested in themselves rather than you, and the "quality" they appreciate is probably defined by MTV. And as for perspective....

None of us "watch sports" when we're looking to hook up.

Perhaps it's an age thing.

Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

February 26, 2014

I'll have to take your word for that. I don't know any 25y/o who still live with their parents, but I'd be willing to best at least a good proportion of those are up themselves, and do have unrealistic expectations, are probably interested in themselves rather than you, and the "quality" they appreciate is probably defined by MTV. And as for perspective....

Perhaps it's an age thing.

Most likely, but then some parents are happy to have their older children at home for whatever reasons they need to be.

We currently have our 20 year old at home while she and her partner find a new place to live. I wouldn't describe her as being 'up herself' at all.

Neither do I recall any of them having unrealistic expectations beyond the years of teenage angst. But then, I am proud to say that they have grown into fine adults.

All four of our children are aware of the history of their Father's fall from grace for a time, but all of them have worked hard with him to recover a healthy relationship.

They did not however, appreciate the initial interference of his other woman after dday. No. They would all still rather she met a terrible end, but then she did have the audacity to contact each one of them after raiding my husband's personal information for numbers to relay filth down the phone, so understandable really.

This single woman attempting to attain that which does not belong to her was met with a sorry end. She is now afforded the opportunity to repent at leisure, or likely not, as people with such a distorted view of what constitutes integrity usually have no conscience.

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Why does a single person knowingly get involved with a married one?

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