Starting No Contact all over again

[4everalones]

I love my ex boyfriend dearly, and I saw myself marrying him and being with him for the rest of our lives. We were both so happy and in love. But, 3 months ago, we both faced problems in our jobs (I lost mine, he was about to lose his). We were both panicking, it was a hard situation, but I still tried to make the relationship work.

 

Long story short, he broke up with me 2 months ago because he "needed time and space to work on himself and his career", "he can't focus on a relationship right now", etc. After trying to be friends with him and breaking down, after begging him, after yelling at him angrily and telling him how selfish and self-absorbed he was, I decided to go NC.

 

I managed to go 3 weeks of NC, and it was a living hell every day. So I broke NC and asked him to meet for coffee because I was moving away for a new job (trying to start over in my late twenties). I wanted him to see that I am working on my problems, and that I am the happy person he felt in love with. He met me, he was polite, but he was very cold and distant. I did most of the talking and he was just sitting there starring. I told him that I miss him so much and he didn't even give me a reply. He just wished me good luck in my new life, and told me to let him know if I'm ever back in the same city. I haven't heard from him after that at all. I regret meeting him deeply. I thought that he missed me as well me and that he'd be happy to see me. After all, that was a guy that I planned marriage and kids with. But reality was different. I wish I had kept my distance, dignity and self-respect

 

So, I am starting NC again, and using this forum to document the process and hopefully get some support and advice. The problem with my previous attempts of NC was clinging to hope, and also cyber stalking. Even though I didn't directly contact him, I was obsessed with stalking him online. I would see him flirting with new hot women, driving to other cities to meet them, taking vacations, and enjoying life in general. He told me he was depressed, that he needed time to figure himself out, and that he does not want a relationship right now (and I believed him). So seeing these things drove me insane and made me cry all the time. It made my life miserable. Even though I knew that I won't like what I see, I kept on stalking. It's like an obsession/self-torture that I can stop.

 

I am only on day 3 now of full NC. It is had, and it's harder to know that I mean nothing to him after all these years. Why was it so easy for him to move on? why is it so easy for him to not contact me? How could he be so cold and distant to the woman he used to love?

[reddragon588]

Have you deleted and/or blocked him on all social media? That is the best way to move past cyber stalking.

[David87]

I love my ex boyfriend dearly, and I saw myself marrying him and being with him for the rest of our lives. We were both so happy and in love. But, 3 months ago, we both faced problems in our jobs (I lost mine, he was about to lose his). We were both panicking, it was a hard situation, but I still tried to make the relationship work.

 

Long story short, he broke up with me 2 months ago because he "needed time and space to work on himself and his career", "he can't focus on a relationship right now", etc. After trying to be friends with him and breaking down, after begging him, after yelling at him angrily and telling him how selfish and self-absorbed he was, I decided to go NC.

 

I managed to go 3 weeks of NC, and it was a living hell every day. So I broke NC and asked him to meet for coffee because I was moving away for a new job (trying to start over in my late twenties). I wanted him to see that I am working on my problems, and that I am the happy person he felt in love with. He met me, he was polite, but he was very cold and distant. I did most of the talking and he was just sitting there starring. I told him that I miss him so much and he didn't even give me a reply. He just wished me good luck in my new life, and told me to let him know if I'm ever back in the same city. I haven't heard from him after that at all. I regret meeting him deeply. I thought that he missed me as well me and that he'd be happy to see me. After all, that was a guy that I planned marriage and kids with. But reality was different. I wish I had kept my distance, dignity and self-respect

 

So, I am starting NC again, and using this forum to document the process and hopefully get some support and advice. The problem with my previous attempts of NC was clinging to hope, and also cyber stalking. Even though I didn't directly contact him, I was obsessed with stalking him online. I would see him flirting with new hot women, driving to other cities to meet them, taking vacations, and enjoying life in general. He told me he was depressed, that he needed time to figure himself out, and that he does not want a relationship right now (and I believed him). So seeing these things drove me insane and made me cry all the time. It made my life miserable. Even though I knew that I won't like what I see, I kept on stalking. It's like an obsession/self-torture that I can stop.

 

I am only on day 3 now of full NC. It is had, and it's harder to know that I mean nothing to him after all these years. Why was it so easy for him to move on? why is it so easy for him to not contact me? How could he be so cold and distant to the woman he used to love?

 

The answer to all 3 questions is :He doesn't love you anymore, he has other prioritis now and unfortunately you aren't one of them. NC is hard but it's your only option now. Things will get much better in time. Please stop online stalking .....

[4everalones]

Have you deleted and/or blocked him on all social media? That is the best way to move past cyber stalking.

 

Yes, I have. But his Facebook, Instagram, personal website, etc. are all public. Anyone can access them via a Google search even if you're not friends with him

 

Like I said, all I have right now is the willpower to not search his name and snoop around. It actually became a habit (obsession?)! everytime I open a browser, my first intuition is to type his name and look at his sites. I am resisting the urge right now, and hoping it will diminish with time!

[4everalones]

The answer to all 3 questions is :He doesn't love you anymore, he has other prioritis now and unfortunately you aren't one of them. NC is hard but it's your only option now. Things will get much better in time. Please stop online stalking .....

 

I know that he doesn't love me anymore, and I know that he doesn't even care about me at all. But, I was wondering how could he stop caring so fast? how could he move on so fast after 2 years? how could he be able to stop contacting me and stop caring within a few days? we were a major part of each other's lives, we texted and talked constantly. It's not that easy for me to just forget everything and move on. I would very much like to know how he managed to move on so fast, because I'd like to do the same.

 

And Yes, I realized online stalking was dragging me down. I have stopped and I'm resisting the urge right now!

[somecamel]

I know that he doesn't love me anymore, and I know that he doesn't even care about me at all. But, I was wondering how could he stop caring so fast? how could he move on so fast after 2 years? how could he be able to stop contacting me and stop caring within a few days? we were a major part of each other's lives, we texted and talked constantly. It's not that easy for me to just forget everything and move on. I would very much like to know how he managed to move on so fast, because I'd like to do the same.

 

And Yes, I realized online stalking was dragging me down. I have stopped and I'm resisting the urge right now!

 

 

I also had the Spying/stalking bug and couldn't stop. My problem was everytime I found out something I would challenger her over it so she knew I had been spying. ( I was still with her at this point)

 

I took it to really serious levels, I had spyware on her computer, I had a program that would pull all the data off her Iphone when I plugged it in, the spyware would even send me an email update of all her keystrokes if I couldn't get access to her laptop. She used to change her laptop password so I couldn't get into it, so i cracked her password, I was constantly tracking her through the GPS on her phone, I had to translate hundreds of conversations she had with her friends (in a different language) from Skype, The Data I used to pull off her phone I would break down to Hex Language to find missing parts of data, (messages she had deleted) I was constantly on her email account it was amazing the tools and software out there.

 

But and this is a massive but, it broke me, the more I spied the more I hurt myself, I hurt my work because I couldn't concentrate, I hurt my relationship with my son because I was too busy spying and I also made my now ex pull further away from me.

 

Some things are best left unsaid or unseen in my case, no good can come out of spying.

[4everalones]

 

But and this is a massive but, it broke me, the more I spied the more I hurt myself, I hurt my work because I couldn't concentrate, I hurt my relationship with my son because I was too busy spying and I also made my now ex pull further away from me.

 

Some things are best left unsaid or unseen in my case, no good can come out of spying.

 

wow somecamel, I know how you feel. Somethings are better left unseen. I admit that it occurred to me to break into his email and Facebook accounts to "discover" the real reason behind the breakup! but then I realized how crazy I sounded and backed off. The problem with online stalking is that it seems harmless. My ex knew I was stalking him on Facebook so he was very careful on what he posted (he'd post only sad quotes and show the world how depressed he is and show me that he's a victim of this breakup). I didn't have an Instagram or twitter accounts. I created fake accounts after the breakup and stalked him constantly. Since he didn't know I was watching him, the truth came out: he was adding/meeting hot girls everyday, posting happy pictures, flirting, chasing women around, going on dates, having fun... This broke me, killed me, made me miserable and weak. I couldn't even confront him because I'd look like a crazy stalked (and admittedly, I was).

 

I wouldn't have discovered these things if I didn't go hardcore-stalker mode. I found comfort in knowing that he was miserable as well, but now I know it's all an act. He doesn't even bother to pretend that he's sad anymore.

 

I am very mad at myself because I am still attached to this guy, I am still crazy in love with him, and I still have hope that he'll come around!!! What the hell is wrong with me?

 

Anyway, I know how you feel and the things that drove you to online stalking. How did you manage to stop? any tips/advice?

[somecamel]

wow somecamel, I know how you feel. Somethings are better left unseen. I admit that it occurred to me to break into his email and Facebook accounts to "discover" the real reason behind the breakup! but then I realized how crazy I sounded and backed off. The problem with online stalking is that it seems harmless. My ex knew I was stalking him on Facebook so he was very careful on what he posted (he'd post only sad quotes and show the world how depressed he is and show me that he's a victim of this breakup). I didn't have an Instagram or twitter accounts. I created fake accounts after the breakup and stalked him constantly. Since he didn't know I was watching him, the truth came out: he was adding/meeting hot girls everyday, posting happy pictures, flirting, chasing women around, going on dates, having fun... This broke me, killed me, made me miserable and weak. I couldn't even confront him because I'd look like a crazy stalked (and admittedly, I was).

 

I wouldn't have discovered these things if I didn't go hardcore-stalker mode. I found comfort in knowing that he was miserable as well, but now I know it's all an act. He doesn't even bother to pretend that he's sad anymore.

 

I am very mad at myself because I am still attached to this guy, I am still crazy in love with him, and I still have hope that he'll come around!!! What the hell is wrong with me?

 

Anyway, I know how you feel and the things that drove you to online stalking. How did you manage to stop? any tips/advice?

 

Well to be fair I haven't seen her for 2 months now, kinda split up properly recently so getting some closure.

 

I haven't hard the opportunity to spy, every password was changed lol.

 

It became a bit of a way of life for me and as sick as it sounds I got a very unhealthy kick out of it:( I was kind of proud of myself that I could find out what was going on by the methods I was using, it did become an obsession. I was very clever with it.

 

I'm not proud of what I done though.

[Own Worst Enemy]

I even read certain newspapers with my hand over the sidebar because I know he has used their dating websites before and I am terrified that his profile will pop up!!!

 

The reason is quite simple: I always always always felt much worse after looking up an ex. ignorance really and truly is bliss. If they don't miss us enough to email or call, then we are not going to see anything we want to see. So the nex time the urge hits, go for a run, take a bath, give yourself a manicure, anything. It WILL pass. And after that, every time it hits, it will have a little less power over you. Soon he'll be tomorrow's fish and chip paper!

[4everalones]

I love this person to death; he was the sweetest guy I've ever known. Ironically, the same trait that made me fall in love him is the same trait that made him leave me. He's very sensitive, very sweet, very emotional, so when things are great, he's the most caring and romantic person in the world, but the moment things got tough, he couldn't handle it, it was too much stress for him, he just run away instead of facing our problems like a gentleman would do.

 

My reason/ego is telling me that this person is no good for me; he hasn't figured out what he wants in life, he left me when things got tough instead of supporting me, and now he's acting all cold and distant. But my heart is still yearning for him. I miss him more every minute that passes. A lot of people told me that if I keep myself super busy, it will take my mind off him. That really didn't work for me at all. Even when I am the busiest at work, he is still in the back of my mind. I've never considered multitasking a curse until this breakup happened. When I wake up, go to sleep, workout, go out with friend, work hard in my job, he's always there in my thoughts.

 

Now I just don't know what to do (except not let him know that I suffer greatly)! I don't know how to get rid of this, it's torturing me, I want to forget about him, I want to stop missing him, I want to be happy and bubbly again :-( It has been two months, and I feel worse every day.

[KevinC]

I dont think theres anything else you can do sadly. Maintain NC and try to get thru the day, one at a time. Im with you about the keep busy thing, that doesnt work for me either, im not built that way. Talk to yourself when catch yourself thinking unhealthy thoughts, out loud, as time goes on you will find that you are talking to yourself less and less. I have the unfortunate fate of living in a small town and have already seen my ex twice around town in my 8 days of NC as you already know, we havent talked or anything like that but i would much rather never have seen her but it cant be helped.

 

You are doing good maintain NC and know that you are not alone either!!!

[4everalones]

Just watched this video, it made me cry I would really like to send this to my ex, but then that would be breaking No Contact. I really really want him to watch this. Would it be so bad to break no contact to send him this link? This whole No Contact sucks. I can't stop crying.

 

Edited February 23, 2014 by 4everalones

[somecamel]

Please don't send anything to him, I know how hard it is, I've failed to take my own advice on many an occasion and hurt myself.

 

As humans we do like to punish ourselves when we are down, but nothing good can come of this.

 

Going and staying NC really is the only way, you will have times when the pain becomes so unbearable you feel like you need to make contact or see what is going on in their lifes, you've already hurt yourself numerous times seeing that he was seeing other girls.

 

Time is a great healer, you just need to give yourself that, get out of the habit of starting NC everytime you fall by not falling in the first place.

[4everalones]

Please don't send anything to him, I know how hard it is, I've failed to take my own advice on many an occasion and hurt myself.

 

As humans we do like to punish ourselves when we are down, but nothing good can come of this.

 

Going and staying NC really is the only way, you will have times when the pain becomes so unbearable you feel like you need to make contact or see what is going on in their lifes, you've already hurt yourself numerous times seeing that he was seeing other girls.

 

Time is a great healer, you just need to give yourself that, get out of the habit of starting NC everytime you fall by not falling in the first place.

 

You are right. I haven't sent him anything, but I broke down and cried for hours yesterday. It took so much willpower to resist the urge. It's been 2 months post BU, and he never ever initiated any contact. It was always me. He's polite, he always answers my texts and calls, but he never initiates anything!! He's done! he's gone forever. It's so sad that I am suffering this much for someone who doesn't care about me, I doubt he even thinks of me sometimes. The only feeling I can get from him now is pity! I feel so weak, I feel pathetic. I am having unhealthy thoughts to end this pain. I can't function properly anymore!

 

I used to be a strong independent woman with a successful career and personal life. Nothing broke me like this breakup did. I doubt I'll ever be the same person again!

[jameslonn]

right there with you 4everalones.

 

except only a few days in.

 

so hard 2 imagine life without her

 

the idea of never talking to her again terrifies and destroys me

 

just want to go back to how things were

[4everalones]

 

just want to go back to how things were

 

Me too! I was so happy, I was so in love!

 

But they decided that their lives would be better without us. I wish there was a way to make him regret his decision! And as childish and bitter as this sounds, I wish he were suffering as much as I am (but I know that's not the case ). Weekends are especially hard because we always had plans to do something, and I can't help but wonder what he's doing.

[somecamel]

Guys seriously, this isn't the end, this is a new beginning.

 

Time and Patience is all you need

[4everalones]

Guys seriously, this isn't the end, this is a new beginning.

 

Time and Patience is all you need

 

 

It's been two months, isn't it supposed to get better by now? I honestly believed (and still believe) he was the one. I want to be happy again, I don't want to feel this way for months and months. I just want to call him and ask him to give us another chance

[harrybrown]

Do not call him. It will make it worse.

 

Do something for you. Go shopping, if you like to shop.

 

Someday, you will find someone that loves and cares about you.

 

Exercise helps me. Do you have any family or friends that you could visit?

[4everalones]

Do not call him. It will make it worse.

 

Do something for you. Go shopping, if you like to shop.

 

Someday, you will find someone that loves and cares about you.

 

Exercise helps me. Do you have any family or friends that you could visit?

 

 

I am trying to workout everyday, surround myself with friends, try new things, etc. Nothing's helping me at all. I am on the beach right now, the weather is great, and I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me. I can't enjoy my time no matter what I do. So I'm here pouring my heart out

[somecamel]

Was he your first serious relationship?

[4everalones]

Was he your first serious relationship?

 

I had relationship that lasted longer. But I never had a feeling that intense, I never felt so close to someone. I really really believed he was the one! I saw myself marrying this guy (we talked about it, and planned it already). I am almost 30 years old, I do have other experience, but nothing like this one.

[jameslonn]

I had relationship that lasted longer. But I never had a feeling that intense, I never felt so close to someone. I really really believed he was the one! I saw myself marrying this guy (we talked about it, and planned it already). I am almost 30 years old, I do have other experience, but nothing like this one.

 

again same here - that intense closeness, those promises and now all gone

 

just cant work it out

 

cant imagine her going through her day seeing the stuff that reminds her of us and not wanting to break down - how can someone do that - and even if they cant they still dont make contact

 

and to think that will happen forever

[somecamel]

I'm also in pain, I'm attempting NC but with still having business we need to sort out, it's horrible but I need to stay positive, I'm really done with all the negativity, it doesn't help.

 

That's not to say I'm not sad, inside I'm broken again but I will get through this.

[4everalones]

 

That's not to say I'm not sad, inside I'm broken again but I will get through this.

 

I hope I'll get there some day. I just want to be functional again, be able to move forward. It's been 2 months, and I'm not seeing any progress. It's actually getting worse each and every day. It's killing me that I meant nothing for him, that he moved on so fast, that he's not in pain for losing me.