gf of 1.5 years cheated

[gabe1231]

So I'm 26 yr old male. Never been in a "serious" relationship until, well call her S. She is younger, 19.yrs old, very much mature for her age which is what drew me to her.

 

First year was great, almost NO fights whatsoever. She was quick to say I was the "one" early on but I never took it too seriously. I eventually began entertaining that idea later on. We explored each other sexually and even had a threesome with another girl, S said it was ok and that it was a great experience but didn't think that it was amazing, as I did, lol. There were no problems related to this as far as I know.

 

Everything is going great still and there's still marriage talk etc.. etc.. but one day she tells her parents that maybe I'm the one. Somehow that scared her, I know, she was the one pushing it on me, which makes it all the more ****ty.so she was a tomboy type and enjoyed company of guys over girls, a lot of girls do, and had s friend or two at work she would talk to. This one in particular she said had a crush on her but he was very lonely and had no friends and she felt like she wanted to help him. Well after awhile I went out if town on business and she calls me and asks if she can sing karaoke of a song that is very sexually explicit which I've told her I didn't want her doing. I said no do any other song but that one. She began talking about that being a bit controlling, even.though we agreed weeks before she woukdnt do it.

 

Ok now fast forward to December, she tells me she cheated on me, twice a few weeks apart, back in October which was a week or two after I.got.back from out of.town with the guy I told her not to be hanging out with because he liked her. Turns out he talked her.into believing that she's too.young to.be thinking about marriage etc.. etc..

 

Also, at the time, she was having questions if she could be bisexual, (duh...) She says she did it because she was scared if being with one person for the rest of her life and she had these questions about herself. She said she did it a second time.because, and I can attest to.this, is that she is very mental in bed which keeps her from enjoying herself a lot of.the time, so the first time.with him when she didn't.enjoy it she did it again because she thought she would be less nervous etc... Not justifying just stating facts of what she said. After the second time she broke it off, and was just friend with him. She recently told me at one point he gave her an ultimatum, me or him and she told him no question it would be me. I'veactuakky talked to him over facebook to try and get the facts straight and he told me everything she said was true and even apologized and said he shouldn't have done it.

 

She now tells me she wants to marry me, she's done with any exploring of herself and has no more questions about herself. She has broken.down about the guilt really badly before, and for the most part I don't believe she would do it again, obviously there are some slight trust issues, but not as much as u might think.

 

My question is about me. I never thought she would be capable of this and it devastated me. A lot of things get me down about it, picturing it, thinking about how she didn't listen to me when I told her not to hang out with him. How she used getting serious too quick as a reason when she was the one bringing those thoughts on. Well it was December 20th when she told me and we have been on and off over that duration, maybe with no linger than a 24 hr time period of being apart. Part of it is just that I get lonely and I know a call to her would end it. I still have a good time with her, she makes me happy. But even when we are together the thought of them together creeps in just for a moment and then goes away. We are very sexual so it creeps in during sex for a moment or two and sometimes when I decide to watch porn I picture them. Now, I'm past the point where I would break down and cry, waayy past that point. but when I'm alone it'll get me down sometimes if I let it. I think about it at work, pretty much everyday for a few moments at the minimum but it has gotten better. By "it" I just mean the any sadness from me thinking about it.

 

My question is how long should I give this to go away? We are together currently and I'm happy 99% of the time but I still get the same reoccurring thoughts of when she told me about it and picturing it etc... And it is just getting tiresome having to deal with them. Would a significant time apart help us? Keep in mind she is also my best friend and we can talk about it unbiasedly for the most part.

 

Thanks guys!!

[steph0328]

This is a very difficult situation you have. Your wondering if time apart would help you end your sadness, but you know a phone call to her would end your loneliness. What is that you want? To be sad or be lonely? It seems like you have two options: wait it out and not be lonely and hopefully the sadness goes away, or take your break and possibly still be sad and be lonely.

 

Is there hope for you to wait it out? By what you have written it seems like it. You have gotten past the breaking down crying part and you said your self it has gotten better. If you are only experience pain 1% of the time, then that is pretty impressive for devastating situations like this.

 

 

I'm sorry to tell you that it is definitely going to linger around for a while. But if she is worth it, then let it linger. But you have to ask yourself: Is she really worth it? If you "have a good time with her" and "she makes you happy", that's not exactly enough to keep someone going. You could get that from a pet or friend if you wanted to. You can find a good time and general happiness from just about anything. If this is all she is to you then, no in my opinion it is not worth it. Move on and find someone that is more than just a "good time". Don't waste your time in a relationship if you don't think it could move to the next step. There are many more fish in the sea that could be that for you.

 

But lets just say she was more than that. Lets say she was someone that you felt was worth it. Somebody that you communicate with well or solve problems with. Or someone you could be really open up to. You said she was your best friend and companionship is very important in a marriage. On top of that, you both were able to invite another person into your relationship, which requires a great deal of trust. If you think that this could move to the next level, then maybe its worth the 1% and not back tracking with a break up.

 

If you separate for a "significant amount of time", you have to put terms on it. Is this a break up or a break? If its a break up, then you run the risk of losing her yourself. After all you have broken up a couple times like you said, and that can be very wearing on people. But what is a reasonable amount of time for a "significant break" and will that differ from the two of you breaking up? Should you decide on something like this, it may be something you want to speak with her about before making decisions. She may not be willing to do anymore break ups and that may impact your decision.

 

What you have to understand Gabe is that if you break and it was going to work out between you to then you will hopefully get back together. But, if you break up with her, you may also run the risk of losing her. Or you could have an opportunity to find someone that is better for you than her.

 

That's when you need to sit back, re-evaluate and decide if she is worth it to you or not. Should you decide not, cut off your contacts, walk away and move on. If you are unsure, cut off your contacts, walk away and move on. But if she is worth it you, if she truly is your baby girl, then I would suggest you stay together and work things through.

[Fangorn]

If she cheats, move on and never look back.

[mr_dave]

I'm sorry for what you're going through Gabe, I've been burned by a younger girl too.

Ask yourself this though, you've been together for 1.5 years, and she's already cheated. Is she likely to go the rest of her life and never do this to you again? At only 19 it's not really very likely.

[Woggle]

If you marry her might as well wear a kick me sign.

[Radu]

Ppl will treat you the way you teach them to treat you.

That being said, she did not learn her lesson [though she might be sorry], and she is asking you to essentially sweep it under the rug, as it was needed in her quest to become a 'better person'.

Obviously, to hell with your feelings and emotions.

 

What makes you think that she learned anything from this ?

The guy is still 'friends' with her, and she has essentially told you she was cake eating [when he asked her to choose between him and you, she said 'she would never leave you'].

I don't even believe she told you because of guilt, more likely she suspected that word will get out.

 

If you marry her might as well wear a kick me sign.

The above is very true.

 

The only way this can be salvaged is if repercusions are given.

End the engagement, remain bf/gf for a long time, ask her to go into IC.

She has problems with boundaries.

Do not demand any of this from her, but see if she takes the step to figure out why, if she is truly committed to your relationship.

 

PS: I hope you are using condoms, if you are not using them ... start using them [so she doesn't 'accidentally' get pregnant].

Also, get STD checked.

[gabe1231]

@radu what is IC?

 

 

Let me be clear.

 

The day she told me she completely cut off everything with him and they have not been in contact, im sure of it. Shes even quit the job she was working where they met.

 

She is willing to do anything I ask of her to prove herself to me. Ive always mentioned that i didnt like that she smoked but never made her quit. Ive since told her that she will not smoke if she wants to be with me and she has quit. She would, at anytime and has before, send me a picture upon request proving where she is.

 

and btw we are not engaged, it would be good while before this is considered again.

 

a couple other things, she took complete responsibility for this, never blamed anyone else or used anything Ive ever done to justify it. Nothing will ever guarantee me %100 that shell never do it again. The pain and guilt ive seen her go through some nights helps but nothing will ever be %100 and i realize that.

 

Im not asking if I should forgive her, I know i should, im the type of person to never try to have hate in my heart for anyone. I know i love her and want to be with her. What I need help with is healing from what has happened and moving forward.

Edited February 23, 2014 by gabe1231