snowcraig Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 So, I am new to this board, but here it goes. Two weeks ago on Friday my girlfriend of 3.5 months and I had a fight. I was sure after it that I was going to end things with her. However, after talking with my friends and seeing her that night, I decided that I really did love her and wanted things to work. I never told her that I was going to end things, and the rest of the weekend was good. I should give a little more background. Holly and I have been friends for about 8 months, friends of a friend. We lived in different towns for the first 4 months, but then I moved back to the same town she lives in, and after I was back for a couple weeks, we were dating. It was great, we were very intimate all the time, and within a couple weeks of dating, we were staying together every night. This was something new to us, as I had never even been serious with a girl that lived within 2hours of me, and she had never spent that much time with anyone either. This went on for a couple months, then I noticed things changed, intimacy was still good, but not as frequent, things were still good, but not magical like they had been. Then last week on Tuesday, we had a talk in which she said she was feeling a little smothered, and thought we should take a step back, to make sure this is what we both wanted. I agreed. However, that next day, she told me she felt like she needed time alone, and wanted a complete break, and that would be the only way she would know how she felt. We decided to to get together on Sunday to get each other's stuff back. She told me her feelings hadn't changed, and she just didn't think her heart was in it anymore. I was a mess, and cried. She was very kind, and cried some herself. She just didn't know if she would ever love me she said. I told her in a very weak manner that if she changed her mind I would be there. On Tuesday however, we had some more stuff to give back. I told her I needed to talk with her again. I told her that I felt giving up on things after they had been going so well was wrong, and that I hoped she would realize that soon. I told her that I respected her decision, though, and that I would not call her until she called me. I told her that I hoped someday we would run into each other out at the bar, and that maybe then we could rekindle what we had, after she had some time to figure out what she wanted. Then I told her that I was not going to wait however, and that I was moving on from her. She seemed stunned that I was so in control and calm and confident again after Sunday. She said she felt better about things, and that she hoped things could get back to how they were (not sure if she meant friends or what). That was two days ago, and I have thought about her non-stop since. I am not in a complete daze anymore, but it still hurts. I would do anything to have her back. What can I do?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Originally posted by snowcraig What can I do? The best thing to do is to preserve your strength, and pull back. If you push her, even a tiny bit - she'll run. Let her work out what she has to work out and then come to you when she's ready. I expect if she comes back, she'll want it to be entirely because she wanted to and not because she felt obligated or pushed to do so. You can tell her that you'll be there for her if she needs you but that during this time that she is working things out, it would probably be best if she left you alone so that you can get your head together too since its too painful to be left waiting around for her to decide what she wants to do with your love. in control and calm and confident That's what you want to continue to be (or at least appear that way). She didn't fall in love with an out of control, unconfident, and needy sort of guy (at least I hope not!) - she fell in love with you when you were at the top of your game. If you continue to show her that side of you, then she's more likely to rethink what it is she is so confused about. If you show her needy/insecure/depressed/sad she's going to know for certain that she doesn't want to go back.
GreenCap Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Lucrezia is right! I let my heart and emotions controlled my mind despite better judgment and pushed her away for forever. Not that she wasn't looking to leave but my neediness just re-affirmed her decision. The problem with me is that I give my all and I hate my all, nothing in between which is a very sad way to live. Life is full of gray areas and despite being close to 30, I finally realized this. Too late, not really, but too late to win my ex back. So, be strong and don't let your heart rule you like I did. I don't regret what I did but I know better now.
Author snowcraig Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 To not think about her. What I am most afraid of is seeing her out at the bar with some other guy. That would be the hardest part, because I would know then it is pretty much over, know what I mean? There was a time, like a month ago, when she told me she felt closer to me than anyone else she had ever dated. I just don't understand how that changes so quickly?
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 There was a time, like a month ago, when she told me she felt closer to me than anyone else she had ever dated. I just don't understand how that changes so quickly? yeah the same happened to me all within a matter of days/weeks! i haven't had contact in 4 days ( feels like years! ) , she phoned me and i tried to explain to her that we should try again, but she was adamant so i'm never gonna do that again although from now on i'm going to try and believe she was no good for me as difficult as it is! LucreziaBorgia posted some excellent stuff lately about why this may happen... it may be this thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54945/?goto=newpost
Author snowcraig Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 Do you think I have any chance? I am strong, I can live by myself, and be happy doing that. However, my life felt so much more complete with her in it. I want her back, not need her back. I am strong enough to get through anything. It is really weird how I feel. I can't describe it. Its not out of desperation or anything that I want her, its out of pure greed. Does that make any sense?
haywood Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 snow, i'm in the same boat. all we can do is give them space. i think the girls we're dealing with have issues with the past. about them being afraid of getting hurt...again. the thing is with girls, it's not coming out of nowhere. they've been thinking about it for a while. they somehow want the guys to change without telling us. the best thing we can do is to be strong. carry ourselves to show that we are not weak, needy men. they want someone that'll be emotionally strong. don't call, answer her calls if you want. keep it light. don't bring up the subject of "us." hopefully she'll realize what a good guy she has and hopefully it won't take too long. let me know how things are going. it's gotta work out for somebody at least. love will find a way. just hate this grey area of maybe. until it gets clear i guess i'm stuck in the fog. good luck hahaha....just read your post...i'll hate you too.
beejsea2 Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Snowcraig, I understand your pain and the one thing is you may never know why you were dumped. My ex "snuck" out of our home when I was gone at work...the days before he left he told me he loved me, he searched his entire life for someone like me etc... Just take it one day at a time...It's only been three months for me and some days are alot harder than others but I'm taking care of me now!!
Author snowcraig Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 Well, she called me tonight, after 4 days of not talking. I have a feeling its because its the first Sunday she has been by herslf and she is probably feeling lonely. We had a nice talk, i ended the conversation, and then asked if she wanted to go to lunch sometime. She said sure, so we are going to lunch on Friday. Does this seem like a bad idea or good or should I try not to think about it that way and just hang out with her?
haywood Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 i think having lunch is fine. i don't think you should look into it too much though cuz who knows what she's thinking. just show her a good time. show her what she's missing out on. let her be the one to bring up the subject of you guys. easier said than done. good luck man.
haywood Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 snow, thanks for the words of encouragement. this is a stupid situation but i'm glad that we're in the same boat. feels like you're one of the few that understand. thanks man. we'll pull through together, no matter what happens. anyways, it's obvious that today is one of those rough days for me. but let us know how things go.
haywood Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 check this out how the dumper feels made me think.
Author snowcraig Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 I read that. It was pretty insightful. Still doesn't change how I feel though, I am not giving up on her, and I don't think you should either.
haywood Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 snow, here's the approach i took. it's not guarantee. it might seem favorable to you because she does still keep in contact with you. the thing is she knows that you'll always be there. how sweet, but it's what hurting you. let's be real here. people want what they can't have. you have to be unattainable right now. she knows that you'll answer her calls. girls want that feeling of being wanted. you have to think straight here. you have to tell yourself "she's not my girlfriend. why should i treat her like one." right? right. don't let her get away with treating you like a yo-yo. mine got to the point where she'd call me and (as much as i wanted to talk to her), told her that i'd call her back later. it'll give you some strenght. mentally you can picture her waiting for your call now. that'll help you feel stronger. guess things got awkward for her because she realized that i wasn't waiting for an answer from her. she gave in. she played these games and couldn't stand the fact that i'd probably not talk to her again. you have to create this feeling of missing you. she doesn't right now. she says she does but it's not enough to drive her to actually do something about it. i'd advise to make some excuse to miss lunch but im assuming it's too late. i know these games suck but it's just how it is. with this new attitude of "forgetting" her, it'll either show that you're strong and she'll come back or it'll actual make you stronger and realize that it's her loss. let me know how it goes.
Recommended Posts