ain5053 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I've written here before about my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years wanting to break up with me before I moved to another state for a temporary job… After that we ended up working things out and he promised me he would wait for me and wanted to preserve our relationship because of how much he loved me.. I moved to Florida 5 days ago. Last night some guys from work (I am one of the few girls at work) asked me if I wanted to hang out with them at a local bar and I agreed, considering I do not know anyone in the area and am looking for new friends. After I told my boyfriend my plans, he flipped out saying "I knew this was going to happen" and "This is why I didnt want an LDR in the first place"…. I told him that if I knew that me going out with my coworkers would upset him that much I would not even think of it…. but in the past he told me he wants me to have fun and do the things I would do on the regular basis….. He went out twice with his friends in the past week while I was here. He told me it's "different" because he goes out with his guy friends and I am going out with some random guys that I don't know.. And he said he wants to go on a "break" while I am here in Florida (for 6 months). I said that I don't see a point in a break - because that only seems like an excuse to see other people - and he said he does not want to see other people he just does not want to worry about me every weekend… So I told him this was his decision, I love him more than anything and I'm willing to do anything for him to change his mind, but if this is what he wants to do then he has to say it to me over the phone and not text like a coward.. And he said he wants to break up. I don't know what to think right now… I am so confused. He is the greatest man I've met and I am completely in love with him, we are best friends and have fact same personalities. I moved out to Florida to pursue my dream career, while he is Pennsylvania starting a new job in DC soon… My position here is not permanent and we have made plans of me coming back and us getting a new place and everything… And now I just don't know what to think.. I know he is not interested in other people. He is just scared and does not want to wait for me. He still wants to be with me but only when I get back from Florida, which is extremely selfish… I truly see a future with this man - we've talked about marriage in the past several times. I don't want to give up nor can I move on if I wanted to… Last night I ended up going out to take my mind off of it, and he ended up deleting me from Facebook and changing his relationship status to single. I am heartbroken and want to be with him…. please give me some advice… did I do something wrong? Was I wrong for going out? Although it sounds like he was just waiting for the moment to do this…. long distance has been hard on him - we lived together for the last year and in our entire relationship we have only separated once for a week.. I am 22 and he is 27. Oh and I bought him a plane ticket to come and see me in 2 weeks (this was 2 weeks ago) and now he is saying he does not even want to come… I don't know why he wouldn't and it hurts so much. Now I don't even know what to do with the plane ticket…
lvroflife Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 You have done nothing wrong! As a man he should support your dreams while pursuing his! He sounds like he has some insecurities and trust issues that he needs to deal with.. If her can't trust you now, what about when you get married? What about when you get a new job and have to travel with other male coworkers... There is no need for a break in this relationship because you two have no problems... He has the problem. Get what little money back you can from the ticket and YOU go somewhere.. This just happened to me, my ex moved to a new state and we were doing the LDR and I would fly to see her every month the last ticket I canceled and have a credit to buy a new ticket..
KatZee Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I know it is really crappy right now, but trust me, this guy is not marriage material. If he was husband material, he would be supporting you, encouraging you to follow your dreams and passions and he would be right there next to you despite the distance. It's an LDR for only a short amount of time, and he shouldn't be projecting his own insecurities onto you. Obviously there are trust issues here stemming from him, if there is no trust and he feels the only option is to dump you just because you're not in close proximity to him, what's the point in even being with him? He's also immature and a coward for doing this over text message after a year and a half. You don't want to marry someone that doesn't support you, doesn't trust you, and isn't mature enough to have a conversation face to face or at least on the phone. He also comes off passive aggressive when he said "this is why I didn't want a LDR anyway!" So it's either his way, or he punishes you. You're better off without this guy.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 LDRs are hard. He didn't want one in the 1st place. You had to move for work. When you went out with your friends all of his worst most irrational fears seemed to be coming true for him. I'm not saying you should not have hung out with co-workers. I am saying this is all in his head but it's powerful & scary for him. Try to coax him down to you since you already paid for the ticket. Perhaps when he sees things with his own eyes it will get better but if he's not built for LDRs this relationship may be over.
LoveAtWork Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 First, I'd make sure he still comes to see you. I think the 2 weeks will make him miss you enough that that won't be too much of a problem. Second, from a guy's (possibly incorrect) perspective, having his girl move away for a period of time is going to suck, royally. Hearing that she's going out with a male group of co-workers looks kinda bad and I can see why he got hurt. I think he went a bit overboard with his reactions, but I think it's his emotions talking if you all are as strong as you say you are. You already mentioned it was a male dominated office (if you told him that before this incident then maybe he was already worried) and I'm wondering if you were the only female out with the group? .. anyways, it's insecure, yes, but maybe he was just still trying to adjust to the LDR thing and emotions really got the best of him. I'd keep working on him to get him down there to see you!
Author ain5053 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Thank you for your replies. It is a male dominated office and he knew that, and I was not the only girl in the group (there was one more girl). I work in a video game industry, so honestly most if not all of those guys are very nerdy and not any competition to him and he knows that. I took the passive approach and basically told him that I am here for him and I love him and this is where I stand and if he needs to take time to decide whether he wants to be with me or not he can do that and I will still be here, wanting to be in a relationship with him. He said he loves me very much and is just very scared and something he said that disturbed me was, and I quote, "It hurts me to know that you are happy there without me doing what you love and are in a better place where I am. It's selfish I know but I want you to rely on me for happiness". That is the most selfish thing he could say…. Here I am making huge changes in my life and pursuing my dream as well as fighting for the both of us to keep this relationship floating, and he "wants me to rely on him for happiness"..? Basically I ended up saying that all emotions aside, I want to be with him, but done begging him to be with me and that he should just take his time and make up his mind.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 He's upset & hurting & saying stupid things. You can't rely on him for happiness & it seems like you know this. Happiness has to come from within. I also suspect that you wouldn't have made this move unless it was to fulfill a professional goal. Hopefully when the shock wears off he'll come to his senses but if he doesn't, you know that he wasn't in this for the long haul or didn't have what it took to genuinely be your life partner.
LoveAtWork Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 He said he loves me very much and is just very scared and something he said that disturbed me was, and I quote, "It hurts me to know that you are happy there without me doing what you love and are in a better place where I am. It's selfish I know but I want you to rely on me for happiness". That is the most selfish thing he could say…. If what he said actually came true I'm pretty sure he would realize that's a bad idea. The comment sounds a bit possessive like "How dare you have your own life while I'm here and you're not just moping around until you get back home." Hopefully the emotions chill down and he can get a little more level headed about everything.
Author ain5053 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Yes, I agree, he sounds very possessive. The weird thing is that in the time that we've spent together, jealousy, possession and insecurity issues were never any of his flaws. He is very confident and very trustworthy, so for thin to act like this is a huge surprise. It's like it is a different person… He basically told me he did not want to keep in touch with me at all because it made him upset hearing about how happy I am here and what I am doing, but he still somehow wanted to end up with me in the long run. I explained to him that if he thinks that not communicating with me will make things easier he is wrong. It will be even more painful and a bigger struggle to not hear my voice at all than to hear it over the phone. But I basically told him that if that is what he wanted to do he could go ahead and test his theory and realize he is wrong on his own, I would be here. Well, an hour later he texts me saying he misses me and loves me and he regrets saying what he's said to me and breaking up with me. He said he said it out of emotional anger in the moment and thought that is what he wanted but having thought about it he is very upset with himself for overreacting that way. And basically apologized and told me he wants to get back together to make this work. Then complained that "I didn't even seem to care" (my response was REALLY?…..) By that time I have already had enough so I basically warned him that I can't take this again… He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. He either loves me or he doesn't. And I know he does for both. I told him that if everybody quit when things went wrong, the world would not have cars, or Facebook, or people on the moon… I can't just russian roulette our relationship hoping that that week he won't try to break up with me again out of insecurity. And he seemed very apologetic… He is coming here in 2 weeks. So we will see….
CaliBabe Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 It sounds like he was looking for the first mistake you made in order to break up. That is just cruel. I understand he is upset right now but at this point your only choice is to give him space and see how he is feeling in a week or so. Maybe he has cooled down and will be willing to talk? I am sorry you are going through this. Keep us posted. We are here to help.
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Agree with the poster above. I think he was looking for a way out even before you left, and seized upon the first opportunity. Let him go. You did nothing wrong. If he loves you, he will return.
somecamel Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I've written here before about my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years wanting to break up with me before I moved to another state for a temporary job… After that we ended up working things out and he promised me he would wait for me and wanted to preserve our relationship because of how much he loved me.. I moved to Florida 5 days ago. Last night some guys from work (I am one of the few girls at work) asked me if I wanted to hang out with them at a local bar and I agreed, considering I do not know anyone in the area and am looking for new friends. After I told my boyfriend my plans, he flipped out saying "I knew this was going to happen" and "This is why I didnt want an LDR in the first place"…. I told him that if I knew that me going out with my coworkers would upset him that much I would not even think of it…. but in the past he told me he wants me to have fun and do the things I would do on the regular basis….. He went out twice with his friends in the past week while I was here. He told me it's "different" because he goes out with his guy friends and I am going out with some random guys that I don't know.. And he said he wants to go on a "break" while I am here in Florida (for 6 months). I said that I don't see a point in a break - because that only seems like an excuse to see other people - and he said he does not want to see other people he just does not want to worry about me every weekend… So I told him this was his decision, I love him more than anything and I'm willing to do anything for him to change his mind, but if this is what he wants to do then he has to say it to me over the phone and not text like a coward.. And he said he wants to break up. I don't know what to think right now… I am so confused. He is the greatest man I've met and I am completely in love with him, we are best friends and have fact same personalities. I moved out to Florida to pursue my dream career, while he is Pennsylvania starting a new job in DC soon… My position here is not permanent and we have made plans of me coming back and us getting a new place and everything… And now I just don't know what to think.. I know he is not interested in other people. He is just scared and does not want to wait for me. He still wants to be with me but only when I get back from Florida, which is extremely selfish… I truly see a future with this man - we've talked about marriage in the past several times. I don't want to give up nor can I move on if I wanted to… Last night I ended up going out to take my mind off of it, and he ended up deleting me from Facebook and changing his relationship status to single. I am heartbroken and want to be with him…. please give me some advice… did I do something wrong? Was I wrong for going out? Although it sounds like he was just waiting for the moment to do this…. long distance has been hard on him - we lived together for the last year and in our entire relationship we have only separated once for a week.. I am 22 and he is 27. Oh and I bought him a plane ticket to come and see me in 2 weeks (this was 2 weeks ago) and now he is saying he does not even want to come… I don't know why he wouldn't and it hurts so much. Now I don't even know what to do with the plane ticket… Hi Ain, I'm not surprised he kicked off when he found out you were going to bars with your work colleagues, I had a quick look at your first post on here and you kicked off at him when he was going out with mates just after you had moved away.
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