mangetout Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 After a two year relationship my now ex dumped me last November because he felt he couldn't make me happy. Then said he wanted to try again early February but we had an argument before our first "date". He backed out again and says he loves me but is afraid that he wont be able to make the relationship work. All this indecisiveness is doing my head in! I manage to go no contact for 6 days and then fall apart. I end up texting him because I hate the fact that he is out of my life. But it only makes me feel worse because he is clearly not committing. If anyone is trying to go no contact then please join me as it may help us a to stick together.
lvroflife Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I;ve been NC since Feb 9 since the actual break up! The first few days were not tough but lately it is a struggle! This is the girl I want to spend my life with... My nights are not to bad, but every morning is a struggle! Like this morning I want to reach out so bad...
Author mangetout Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Hi Ivrolife I know how you feel! Its so tough. I was engaged to this man. I am shocked how its turned out. It is like a sudden death. Well done for not contacting her? What do you do to stop yourself? I think about my ex constantly. Its so annoying. Every blasted sad song I hear makes me teary. Ugh
Author mangetout Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 My urges come in the afternoon
lvroflife Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 When I get the urge I come on here... I text another friend (who agreed to be my text buddy when my urges come)... I write letters to her about whats on my mind and how I am feeling but do not send... Matter of fact I am writing one now! I am sorry you are going through this... I constantly think 50%of me :she is coming back" the other 50% "she is gone" One thing I would tell you is not to listen to sad songs.. I do not listen to music at all for the moment!! I would like to know more history about your relationship, perhaps I could provide a little bit more comfort..
Author mangetout Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 He cheated on me with an ex ( ONS) and confessed immediately because he was ashamed of himself. I dumped him but decided to give him a second chance a five months later. But he went into a state of depression because everyone was disappointed in him, including himself. This affected his sex drive so we basically had no sex for over a year. I tried to be patient as forcing someone to have sex with you creates further anxiety. It was a vicious circle but in the end, this is what split us up
Author mangetout Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 But I am not here to analyse what went wrong as the relationship is over. I need to wean myself off him as the relationship is toxic.
TaraMaiden Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 But I am not here to analyse what went wrong as the relationship is over. I need to wean myself off him as the relationship is toxic. Sadly, there is no 'weaning' in No Contact. It's ripping the plaster off good and quick, and ending it, here, now, for good. Read the no Contact Guide in my signature (link). You need to do this, once and for all. It's not a situation you can 'wean yourself off' of. That would just be too prologed; too painful. decide now, for good, to Do It. 2
lvroflife Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Are you sure it is toxic? Or are you saying it is because of the recent back and forth? Have you researched what a toxc relationship is? But you want to wean off, ok...So name somethings that you've wanted to do and couldn;t due to being in a relationship with him
4everalones Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I think NC is the hardest thing I ever had to do! I have been trying to go full no contact for about 2 months now, and I keep breaking it constantly. I feel like I am addicted to my ex-boyfriend, I still believe he's the one, and I still have hope that we'll be together some day. I think these false believes are what's preventing me from moving on. But I don't know how to get rid of them; perhaps a long period of NC will make them vanish. I managed to go 3 weeks of NC, and it was a living hell every day. I broke NC and asked him to meet for coffee because I was moving away for a new job (trying to start over in my late twenties). He met me, he was polite, but he was very cold and distant. I did most of the talking and he was just sitting there starring. I told him that I miss him so much and he didn't even give me a reply. He just wished me good luck in my new life, and told me to let him know if I'm ever back in the same city. I haven't heard from him after that at all. I regret meeting him deeply. I thought that he'd miss me and be happy to see me. After all, that was a guy that I planned marriage and kids with. But reality was different. I wish I had kept my distance, dignity and self-respect The problem with my previous attempts of NC was clinging to hope, and also cyber stalking. Even though I didn't directly contact him, I was obsessed with stalking him online. I would see him flirting with new hot women, driving to other cities to meet them, taking vacations, and enjoying life in general. He told me he was depressed, that he needed time to figure himself out, and that he does not want a relationship right now (and I believed him). So seeing these things drove me insane and made me cry all the time. It made my life miserable. Even though I knew that I won't like what I see, I kept on stalking. So after doing so much reading, here is my advice for proper No Contact: - Read the NC guide that's pined on top of the forum. It helped me a lot. - You need to stop any sort of communication (especially cyber stalking. It's the worst). My ex is very active online and I am struggling right now to not stalk him. It became a habit. the first thing I do every morning was to type his name in a search engine to check his Facebook, Instagram, tweets, personal website. It's unhealthy, it's very damaging. That's the biggest no-no that I have recently learnt. Even though I blocked him on all my social media, his is still public. So all I have is strong determination. -Limit the time you talk about him to your friends and surrounding. It's good to talk about the breakup right after it happens, but don't drag it out. I was talking about my ex 24/7. No only did I annoy a lot of people, but I was reinforcing thoughts about him and dwelling on the past. - Force yourself to go out, workout, have fun, and enjoy the simple things in life. It's hard, and you won't be able to enjoy these things immediately. But it gets better with time. I am only on day 3. But I managed to go 3 weeks before. No contact is hard, and we can use each other's support. But there is only so much people can do for you, you need to be determined to help yourself first. Best of luck
Author mangetout Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Argh I lost it. I text him on the weekend. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for dinner and he said yes. I also told him that I still loved him, he said he still loved me. Says he would like to try again further down the line after he finishes his councelling sessions. I am confused again. I know I know. I shouldn't have contacted him. And it's not like I am not busy. I work a lot, I go to the gym, have a good social life, great supportive friends but still dote on this man. Maybe I need to start dating
Author mangetout Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Yes it's toxic because he no longer wants to commit to me and I am clinging onto him out of fear.
lvroflife Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Doesn't sound toxic to me. If you're basing this toxic definition off he doesn't want to commit and you're clinging. Let him handle his affairs with counseling. He has to be happy with himself before he can make you happy. You are living in fear. If you . ve him let him better himself. Support him and let him do what he needs to with counseling. Allow him to come to you. In the meantime stay focused on you and enjoy your life.
MoroccoMole Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I've totally been there. Broke up with my ex of 2yrs few months ago and almost immediately after she was with someone else. Killllled me. I clung to her much like yourself out of fear and because I loved her and the comfort of what we had. My ex also was not committing whatsoever and was completely emotionally inept. The only thing that helped to look forward is approaching my problem logically instead of emotionally. I picture my best friend who was in the scenario with his ex and what I told him. You can't waste your effort and sanity on someone who has no intention of caring for you like you do for them. The no contact is easily the best way to let go of them but it takes a tremendous amount of will power. You're human!! don't be so hard on yourself for not being able to resist the urge. My hand and my brain fight each other to the death every time I want to look at my ex's instagram and see her with her new man. After a few months it begins to seem like being miserable is a choice and that I was choosing it. Be strong and set small goals for yourself. Go 1 week no contact, then go from there. The longer time goes on the less interested you'll be and the more logical you'll begin to think. If you really DO want to work it out with this person, then by all means go ahead and try. I tried multiple times with my ex until I realized there was no chance for us and accepting that helped me let go. Wish you all the best, stay positive [:
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 ..... Says he would like to try again further down the line after he finishes his councelling sessions. Don't you DARE even agree to this!! Maybe I need to start dating Yes... and no. Yes, because you need to move on and continue with your life, not sit on a backburner, twiddling your thumbs at his convenience and putting your life on hold until HE'S ready. No guarantee of how long that will be. (6 months? A year? TWO years - ?!) it depends on his Counselling. But when he's done with that, seeing you again may be a retrograde step for him.... No, because all you will do at the moment is compare guys to him, and miss him more. That's unfair on any new prospective date, and unfair on your heart. Support him and let him do what he needs to with counseling. Allow him to come to you. In the meantime stay focused on you and enjoy your life. I disagree with this, in part; by all means support his idea of counselling, but don't hang around and 'wait for him to come to you'. Why SHOULD you sacrifice your potential happy future in order to lounge around waiting for him - and no guarantee of success? 1
MoroccoMole Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Don't you DARE even agree to this!! Yes... and no. Yes, because you need to move on and continue with your life, not sit on a backburner, twiddling your thumbs at his convenience and putting your life on hold until HE'S ready. No guarantee of how long that will be. (6 months? A year? TWO years - ?!) it depends on his Counselling. But when he's done with that, seeing you again may be a retrograde step for him.... No, because all you will do at the moment is compare guys to him, and miss him more. That's unfair on any new prospective date, and unfair on your heart. I disagree with this, in part; by all means support his idea of counselling, but don't hang around and 'wait for him to come to you'. Why SHOULD you sacrifice your potential happy future in order to lounge around waiting for him - and no guarantee of success? TOTALLY agree with this post. Very well put.
Author mangetout Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Very wise posts from everyone. I havnt contacted him since but I havnt cancelled our dinner date. I think I am doing it to show him what he is missing. I have lost a lot of weight and I am looking really good. Changed my hairstyle and have been getting a lot of compliments.....oh I don't know what I am doing. Confusing times for me at the mo. But yes I know that I should be moving on without thinking of him in the future. I still hold onto hope though. Not gonna lie about that. But maybe casual dating will keep my mind off things. Whats the harm in dating someone casually? If I find a like minded man who wants company with no strings attached then why not? I am in no rush to commit to anyone even if my perfect man was standing in front of me at this moment. But maybe a bit of fun will lift me out of this rut I am in.
Author mangetout Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Taramaiden how about you meet me for coffee. You could bash some sense into my stupid head. I need some tough love.
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 You're on. if you're in the UK that is.... Otherwise I see this being one damn expensive cappuccino....!
Author mangetout Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 You're on. if you're in the UK that is.... Otherwise I see this being one damn expensive cappuccino....! Yes I am in the UK. You are probably my neighbour lol! Anyway I gave myself a serious reality check yesterday and sent him a final message. I cancelled our meeting and wished him all the best. I told him that this chapter was finished and it was time for me to move onto better things. He gave me the "I will always love and care for you no matter what" blah blah blah bollocks..yawn. I blocked his number. I got to stay strong this time as its always me who texts him. Day one 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Sadly, I can't PM you, until you have a specific number of posts, but when you get there, maybe we can get in touch. I've met a couple of members off here; that was fun! Brave of you to do what you did, BtW... Classic response, eh....? Good for you....!
Author mangetout Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Thank you. But early days.... Gonna do some kick boxing now and pretend the punch bag is my ex's face
Author mangetout Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 How many posts do you need to PM people?
kpkballer Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I have gone no contact for 5 days. I am with you. Everytime i get the urge to Call i wait à few minutes to think about the outcome. I think what will and say? Will she answer the phone? If he/she doesnt than what? Do i Call back and look desperate? And finally what If they dont want you back? These are the questions i ask myself and i really world for me. I almost called my ex back today after she text me. I DIDNT AND I FEEL OK. you have to be strong and understand he broke up with you. And there is Nothing you can do to change it at this point. U told him How u felt and that is what matters. If they want to talk to you or get back together they will Call or text you. Hope this was some help.
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 How many posts do you need to PM people? I think it's 100 but you should top that easily soon!
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