HeartbrokenNewbie Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Hi guys, Not been on here for a while but really could use some advice right now x i came out of a LT relationship 8 months ago it was devastating and i was very surprised to meet someone else 3 months ago it was lovely and wasnt rebound I liked him for him. We have seen eachother a few times a week and things seemed to be growing well (a couple of red flags but I can be a worrier so just took things slow as it takes time to get to know someone properly but could be my intuition!), but a couple of days ago something just didnt seem quite right he seemed to be trying to dictate things to me about my life (nothing major but we arent even official!). This did get my back up a bit as I would like to make things official and after nearly 3 months i think u should know (its not like were getting married!!) it felt like he wanted to tell me what to do in a relationship capacity but not with the relationship.. as far as Im concerned until we are official I can live how i want (I obviously wouldnt sleep or date anyone else but if I want to go out, have a few drinks, do what I want then I think thats okay at this stage). I have been taking full advantage of the single life (socialising loads, going out loads, probably drinking way too much but thats not what its like in a relationship thats how single people live isnt it!?) Anyway after him seeming to want to try and dictate things I stated that we are not official and I can really do as I please, if we were official then things would be different, I said I would like to make things official so its his choice. He said he wanted a couple of days to think about it.. having not long come out of a LT relationship I lost a lot of self respect (I messaged a million times, cried, almost begged!) and I feel more strongly now about my self respect than ever before so I decided waiting for him wasnt an option and told him if he had to think about it then it cant feel right and I wished him well... now, however I feel a bit lonely and its really quiet without his messages, calls, seeing him (we acted like we were in a relationship) and Im now wondering if i should have given him the couple of days.. I just need to know if I done the right thing... If i had have waited I think it would have dented my self respect and shown him I had lower values than him and would put my own self respect to the side .. i have played that part so many times and I wasnt prepared to do it again but now Im wondering had he have had the couple of days maybe it could have turned out good.. i just need some advice xx
salparadise Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I don't think anyone else can tell you if you did the right thing. It's not a right/wrong situation so much as making the choice that you believe is right for you. Feeling a bit lonely, missing his texts, feeling sad to lose the connection is not a good reason to continue a relationship that is not working out. Being a little out of sync on the timing or one little divergence in perspective is probably not a good reason to terminate an otherwise good relationship either. But if your intuition tells you that your feelings are not strong after 3 months, or are not being reciprocated, then maybe it's time to move on... if that's what's right for you. Some people are fine with a slow progression and/or a more casual type of relationship. Others date solely for the purpose of finding that all too elusive, amazingly strong connection and compatibility in a life partner and don't want to invest in anything that does not at least have that potential. I'd say be honest with yourself about what you want, and be true to yourself in making your choices. If the relationship is falling short of expectations, and you're confident that you know what you want, then how could it be wrong to you need to do? 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I don't think anyone else can tell you if you did the right thing. It's not a right/wrong situation so much as making the choice that you believe is right for you. I agree with this. And reading your post a couple of times, I am erring on the side of 'you did'. If you'd been together for 3 months, I don't think it should be that difficult for him to tell you whether he wants 'official exclusivity'. If he needs time to think about it, then that is a red flag. And if he needs time to think about it, he didn't need the same amount of time to start dictating do's and don'ts, did he? He made the assumption he could.... but then couldn't figure if he wanted to make this official? No thanks. Good call. Just my 2cents....
Treasa Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I've been where you've been, and I completely get how you feel. You did the right thing. You may feel a little lonely, but you have your self-respect, and I really admire you for doing what you did. Keep it up! No one should be dictating what you should be doing if he can't even give you an answer as to whether or not he wants to be exclusive with you. F that. 1
Author HeartbrokenNewbie Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Thank you x maybe it just makes me wonder because for once in my life I took a stand & went with my head rather than my heart.. That's a new one on me ! xx
devilish innocent Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Fifteen years ago I'd have definitely said you should just leave. Nowadays I'd say it might have been useful to first find out what being "in a relationship" means to him and why he wasn't sure he was ready yet. That's only because it seems like some people today take the term "in a relationship" to mean a lot more than what it once used to, especially for the younger generation. After three months I think he should agree to be exclusive, be developing some actual feelings for you, and letting his friends and family know about you. If those things are there, that's more important than whether he wants to use the relationship term. If he's unsure about giving you that, though, then this wasn't heading anywhere.
Treasa Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Even before he needed to take a few days to consider things, he was trying to control you. Not cool. You can do better than that. It's not like you were behaving disrespectfully toward him. If he doesn't like what you do, he should move on.
Recommended Posts