I Don't Get It

[wesmel06]

Hey everybody. I'm not new to the dating world and usually do pretty well. This current situation though I really need some more advice on. You see I'm 26 years old and have a huge interest in a 36 year old woman. She works with me sometimes and I'm a little split on what to do here.

 

I was dating a woman for a while. At that time I started to notice this other lady. She gave me a lot of indicators of interest. She smiled at me, she would stare at me, when I would hold her gaze she would look down like she was shy. I was sure that when I broke up with my last girlfriend this would be a lock. I thought it would be easy....wrong.

 

I would see this lady for a couple of minutes in transition between shifts. I work third shift and she works first shift. She changed departments though and now I barely see her at all. The only thing I could think of was to contact her via facebook. I said that I don't usually do this but saw her on my "people you might know" thing. Then I asked her if she might be interested in talking to one another since I was recently single.

 

I waited for three days and got nothing. Then I sent her a follow up message. I told her that if she didn't like facebook messages that when she came in early for overtime that week she should stop and say hello to me. I got absolutely nothing from that either. I sent her a final message politely telling her off for not even giving me a one word response. I said I understood she didn't know me and that I wasn't a crazy person or anything. That I just wanted a response yes or no. That's all I wanted. I told her that she should be nice and not make the same mistake with the next guy. Then told her goodbye and that there were no hard feelings. Then what happens? Boom. I get a message. Here is what she said....

 

"Sorry for not sending a msg back but your profile pic does make you look like a crazy person so I was hesitant to respond. No I'm just kidding lol. Seriously though, I am in a relationship with someone but we can be friends."

 

This may be or may not be true. Her facebook says that she is SINGLE. After getting my messages it still says she is SINGLE. She didn't bother to change it to make me go away. Made me a little confused. She didn't even tell me anything about him. Just said it was with "someone". She also busted my balls teasing me about my profile picture.

 

I sent her some messages back and forth for a while talking about work and dating. She kept responding. I told her we couldn't be friends because I don't befriend women I have been or maybe be romantically interested in. Wanted to stay away from the friend zone. She said she understood.

 

After a while she went cold on me again. I sent her another message teasing her about getting turned down by a lady I was interested in recently. Something about her being in a relationship and that she probably didn't know her. Whoever she is...lol. I then said that this unnamed lady was very pretty. Still no response from her for a day or so.

 

I sent a final message saying that I hoped I didn't upset her pressing the issue a bit, that I was just teasing, and that it would be my final message. That once again got me a response. Here it is...

 

"No you didn't upset me. I just hadn't sent a msg back yet. & there's really nothing wrong with your profile pic. I was just teasing you about it. It was nice talking to you. Wish you luck in finding someone. Have a good day."

 

This is of course exactly what I did not want to hear. She sent a smiley face along with the message. I sent her one last message telling her that I was glad I did not upset her. I told her that I was serious about my offer of taking her out if she was ever available. Told her just not to wait for too long. I wanted to give her the impression I'll start dating other people if she doesn't chase after me. Then I told her that THIS would be my last message. Then I said goodbye. She has seen it but no response.

 

This is where you guys come in. I'm not sure to bow out gracefully or to wait a week or two before sending another message. I want to give her time enough to think about me. I also want to seem busy and give her the impression that she isn't the only thing on my mind.

 

I don't get it. If she truly is in a relationship it can't have been for that long. She was giving me signals up until not even a couple of months ago. Her facebook still says she is single. She didn't change it. Is she possibly upset I didn't make a move sooner? Does she want me to try even harder? Should I have questioned her about the seriousness of the relationship and told her that if it wasn't really serious that she had nothing to lose in going out on a date with me? Did I not man up enough and challenge the real/possibly made up boyfriend? I'm really bummed over this one.

 

I was thinking about waiting a week or two before sending another message. You think she is playing extremely hard to get or really just in a matter of a month or so lost all interest in me? Help!!!

[Apolodor]

You're 26 and she's 36.... Why do you waste so much time and energy on this?? At this age she's probably been on the cock corousel and all she's looking for now is find a stable man with whom she can have a family. By this time her biological clock is ticking really fast.....

[wesmel06]

I understand what your saying. I've always gotten along with women older than myself though. This lady despite being 10 years older is absolutely gorgeous. I mean you don't see women like this out that often. Oh and who says I'm just after sex? Maybe I am looking for a stable relationship. I'm just having a little trouble letting this one go. That's all. Would still like to succeed.

[LEEVIT2F8]

She sounds pretty classy actually. She went out of her way to send you not one but two pity messages. Those are both very clear exit stage left cues that you just don't seem to want to hear.

 

The absolute best thing you can do now is nothing! This is not her playing hard to get. Like you said yourself that would be pretty extreme.

 

She knows your interested and her only moves so far have been ignoring you and telling you to get lost. Don't mistake her being classy for interest.

 

Single status on the book means nothing. She wouldn't change it to get rid of you. Maybe it is an imaginary boyfriend but even so there may be guys on facebook she doesn't want to chase off.

 

Just find other girls. Its not pokemon you don't have to catch em all bro.

[wesmel06]

Haha I like the pokemon reference.

 

I think your right leevit. Yes I don't need to catch them all. Under normal circumstances I would just move along. I'm not the kind of guy despite the current situation who would keep trying so hard.

 

Maybe it's an ego thing. I'm not sure. I just don't see how someone who seemed so interested just a little while ago went so cold so fast. While I was dating my last girlfriend I was having relationship problems. A friend of mine even approached this woman and told her I thought she was cute. She seemed even more interested after that but I was not single yet. I made no move and thought maybe I had made her a little mad.

 

I was thinking that maybe she was making me work extra hard to in her mind punish me for being inactive and not approaching? Or maybe your right and those messages were a clear blowoff and those feelings or that attraction she so clearly had for me just vanished. Who knows.

Edited February 22, 2014 by wesmel06

[Mascara]

She is totally not interested, not sure how she could have made it any clearer. Whether she's in a relationship or not, it doesn't change that. She may have been using that as excuse to reject you, but again... even if you call her out on that, it won't make her want you.

 

You're in danger of forcing her to be rude to you if you push this any more. She obviously doesn't want to be rude, so just drop it. She's let you know.

[wesmel06]

I understand Mascara. I won't push the issue anymore. That seems to be what the majority thinks is best so I will leave it to fate.

 

Any advice guys on where I lost this girls interest? When I was dating my ex girlfriend she was walking by me invading my space to smile at me. To let me know she was interested. You guys think I managed to let it go for too long and attraction reached it's expiration date?

 

Any chance she would even consider me now if she did become single? I just feel like somewhere I had this one in the bag but dropped the ball.

[TaraMaiden]

When she discovered the age-gap, and decided you were just 'a kid' by comparison.

 

She tried to let you down gently.

If she can 'bust your balls' just by kidding you about your profile picture, you seriously need some hormonal control.

It sounds like you see her as a Cougar-challenge, and consider her a 'MILF'.

To me, all you're looking for is a conquest.

 

or would you consider a LTR with her... you know, 'til death do you part'....?

 

Stay well away.

In her shoes, I'd already be irritated and hoping I wasn't going to inherit a geeky stalker type....

[wesmel06]

You really think that's when she lost interest Tara? The 10 year age gap doesn't bother some people. I don't see why that would matter so much as long as the maturity is there. Believe me I'm not the type of man who would use an older woman and then dump her after I'd "had my fun".

 

I get she was trying to let me down easy. I just hope she isn't pushing me away because she thinks she is a conquest. Maybe she thinks I'm just trying to be a bit of a player. Didn't think of it like that.

 

Also the when she busted my balls about my facebook pic I wasn't too concerned. Thought maybe it was a type of playful flirting or something. It didn't really bother me. Just want to convey again that I did not make the decision to chase after her with the idea of her being a conquest.

[TaraMaiden]

You really think that's when she lost interest Tara? The 10 year age gap doesn't bother some people. I don't see why that would matter so much as long as the maturity is there.

sadly, I don't think that was her perception.

Reading your first post, I'm afraid I didn't get that either....

 

Believe me I'm not the type of man who would use an older woman and then dump her after I'd "had my fun".

She's at the stage in her life where she's not willing to take that chance. Statistics would seem to bear this out. Big age gaps often 'get in the way' in a lot of cases....

 

I get she was trying to let me down easy. I just hope she isn't pushing me away because she thinks she is a conquest. Maybe she thinks I'm just trying to be a bit of a player. Didn't think of it like that.

This is why it's so important to not be pushy. You saw it as charmingly and romantically persistent.

I would imagine she saw it as "Jeesh, give up kid, it's not going to happen!"

 

 

I'm in my late/mid 50's by the way, and my H is 5 years younger.

[wesmel06]

Thanks for the feedback Tara. I hate to rule her out completely but I won't bother her via facebook anymore. Maybe if I have to work with her on a rare occasion at work I might ask how the "boyfriend" is doing and be a little flirty. I might not have completely killed any and all future chances with her. I thought I bowed out gracefully with my last message to her. I hope lol.

 

Just was frustrated her feelings or that attraction for me seemed to change so quickly. Couldn't even get her to admit she was interested in me at one point in the first place. I know she was. The signals were so strong and clear. Only time will tell I suppose.

[OhThatGirl]

Thanks for the feedback Tara. I hate to rule her out completely but I won't bother her via facebook anymore. Maybe if I have to work with her on a rare occasion at work I might ask how the "boyfriend" is doing and be a little flirty. I might not have completely killed any and all future chances with her. I thought I bowed out gracefully with my last message to her. I hope lol.

 

Just was frustrated her feelings or that attraction for me seemed to change so quickly. Couldn't even get her to admit she was interested in me at one point in the first place. I know she was. The signals were so strong and clear. Only time will tell I suppose.

 

No. Let it go. You expressed interest. She didn't take you up on it. You really had to drag responses out of her. Like someone else said, don't confuse class with interest. She was cordial but this woman is not interested in you. Your "this will be my last message" thing would have annoyed me to no end. Come on. You're trying to illicit a response by telling her "here I go.. Better change your mind now! Oh.. Still not going to take me up on my offer? Ok but this is your last chance...! No? Oh.. Ok.. Well then if I see you at work I will ask you about the fake boyfriend and flirt with you..." How many times does she have to entirely disregard your messages? Bowing out gracefully would have been one message and when she said she was dating someone saying "what a lucky guy!" And LETTING IT GO.

 

Don't ask her about her boyfriend, don't flirt, don't wait for her to be single. She has given you no indication she wants to try something with you so honor that and forget it. Not an option, k?

 

Chances are she was being friendly and you misread her. Doesn't sound like she was interested because when you asked she turned you down. Smiles are not an invitation to keep asking us out, flirting with us, asking us to keep you in mind if our imaginary boyfriend ever dies.

 

I'm a bit surprised you can't see all of this. Just stop before you creep her out or get called to HR.

[TaraMaiden]

No. Let it go. You expressed interest. She didn't take you up on it. You really had to drag responses out of her. Like someone else said, don't confuse class with interest. She was cordial but this woman is not interested in you. Your "this will be my last message" thing would have annoyed me to no end. Come on. You're trying to illicit a response by telling her "here I go.. Better change your mind now! Oh.. Still not going to take me up on my offer? Ok but this is your last chance...! No? Oh.. Ok.. Well then if I see you at work I will ask you about the fake boyfriend and flirt with you..." How many times does she have to entirely disregard your messages? Bowing out gracefully would have been one message and when she said she was dating someone saying "what a lucky guy!" And LETTING IT GO.

 

Don't ask her about her boyfriend, don't flirt, don't wait for her to be single. She has given you no indication she wants to try something with you so honor that and forget it. Not an option, k?

 

Chances are she was being friendly and you misread her. Doesn't sound like she was interested because when you asked she turned you down. Smiles are not an invitation to keep asking us out, flirting with us, asking us to keep you in mind if our imaginary boyfriend ever dies.

 

I'm a bit surprised you can't see all of this. Just stop before you creep her out or get called to HR.

 

Agreed. se Bolded parts.

Fer chrissakes, take the hint, back off, and just drop the WHOLE thing!!

Hell, I feel like getting a restraining order on you myself, right now!

 

Jut quit, give up, leave it, don't do anything, in any way, shape or form, now, soon, ever!!

 

Do you actually get that now?

 

At all?

 

Hopefully??

[Leigh 87]

wow....

 

 

you acted totally creepy.

 

When a girl ignores you it is for a reason. Sending her more than one message when she ignores you can come off as creepy...

 

Actually, you sent her THREE messages before she responded. NOT cool.

 

Then you talk about her going "cold" on you. Excuse me? You guys ARE NOT friends! She was busy and didn't see a reason to engage in conversation with some dude she barely knows. She didn't go "cold" at all!

 

Seriously, you are probably a really sweet guy but you came off as desperate and/or crazy!

 

A couple of times this woman didn't respond to your message, and BOTH times you sent her a series of about 3 messages?!?!?!??!!

 

 

 

 

Trust me, this would creep most girls out.

[Leigh 87]

ugh.

 

You remind me of a "friend".

 

He seems really sweet but....

 

He kept hitting me up for a date when I was single.

 

After making it clear to him on more than one occasion that I would NEVER go on a date with him, he kept messaging me when I didn't respond, and then he got annoyed when I ignored his 10 messages.

 

I blew up at him and said LOOK, you are starting to piss me off, I genuinely am open to being your friend but I am busy and I do not owe it to you to respond to every message you send me.

 

It takes an awful lot to annoy me too.

 

I was really not interested. I didn't want to date him. I didn't want to give him one date.

 

He agreed to be friends, yet he would still make "jokes" about dating me:lmao:

 

The other day he commented about " omg you wore the such a short skirt the other day OMG"

 

I have had to tell him to put a lid on his "remarks" or else I won't be hanging out with him again. He is otherwise a seemingly decent/conservative person with good values.

 

 

 

 

 

....Even if you were to become friends, chances are you would ruin it with your "jokes" and " harmless flirting"

 

This sh*t REALLY pisses us girls off! I just realised this with my own "flirty friend":sick:

 

you probably won't be able to refrain from jokingly flirting with her.

 

Sometimes it is best to just leave things be.

Edited February 25, 2014 by Leigh 87

[Tayken]

ugh.

 

You remind me of a "friend".

 

He seems really sweet but....

 

He kept hitting me up for a date when I was single.

 

After making it clear to him on more than one occasion that I would NEVER go on a date with him, he kept messaging me when I didn't respond, and then he got annoyed when I ignored his 10 messages.

 

I blew up at him and said LOOK, you are starting to piss me off, I genuinely am open to being your friend but I am busy and I do not owe it to you to respond to every message you send me.

 

It takes an awful lot to annoy me too.

 

I was really not interested. I didn't want to date him. I didn't want to give him one date.

 

He agreed to be friends, yet he would still make "jokes" about dating me:lmao:

 

The other day he commented about " omg you wore the such a short skirt the other day OMG"

 

I have had to tell him to put a lid on his "remarks" or else I won't be hanging out with him again. He is otherwise a seemingly decent/conservative person with good values.

 

 

 

 

....Even if you were to become friends, chances are you would ruin it with your "jokes" and " harmless flirting"

 

This sh*t REALLY pisses us girls off! I just realised this with my own "flirty friend":sick:

 

you probably won't be able to refrain from jokingly flirting with her.

 

Sometimes it is best to just leave things be.

 

So why won't you date him then if he has "such good qualities"? I guess he is not that cute and the stuff between the legs isn't feeling it i.e. "spark"?

 

The way you tell this story...parts of me think you loved the attention and got a self esteem boost from it..just my opinion