Barbwire Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 (edited) Just a little history. I have a friend that I met through a former live in man friend. He is friends with a guy he met after he moved out of my house. He brought them both to meet me and hang out. I liked this woman and we became close friends, but there are some things that bother me more and more about what is going on. The first day we hung out, I told her about my relationship with the guy that introduced us. I told her I still loved him and hoped she would understand that I wanted to be friends, but wanted to know where she and he stood. She said she liked the other guy and there was nothing between her and my love interest. While we were at the river, riding my sea-doo. He called her over and pinched her on the breast and she said she told him not to do that anymore. They came up all summer and he said I was jealous of their friendship, etc. They all smoke weed and drink, I don't. And the guy I love is bi-polar and very paranoid. She and I became good friends and started hanging out. I live 20 miles away from her and the guys and they all lived in a cheap motel for a while and all they had to do was mostly sit around and smoke weed and drink. She had no way to go and I took her lots of places and did things with her that she would not have gotten to do without me. Occasionally me and the guy would get at odds when he was having problems and got to thinking about me throwing him out and sometimes she would add fuel to the fire and bring up something in the name of defending me that would just make him madder. He would be fine and then just go off on me even for something someone else did. I understand he is reacting to the rejection:sick: he thinks I did of him, when I was really only trying to get him to respect my feelings and quit degrading me because it made him feel better about himself. Now to the point. She knows I have ADD myself and I get upset about things that feel threatening to me. I have helped her time and time again from taking her places to loaning her lots of my stuff until she can get her own now that she has left the motel. The guys have left too and are living together. She has been sleeping with the other guy and says she cares about him one minute and doesn't the next and tells me that she can't stand the guy I love and he is a jerk ******* etc. and I should forget him because he is just using me and such and tells him maybe we just don't belong together and who knows what else when I don't see it. And now we get down to what confuses me. When we hang out with them, she is always smoking weed and drinking with them. When she gets drunk, she gets very "friendly" and touches him on the arm and rubs against him on occasions in the kitchen. the other day when we left there, he hugged me by and she ran back (she was real drunk) and hugged him and kissed him so loud on the cheek, I heard it 10 ft away. When I asked her why, she just said she kissed all the guys and I knew that....NOT... I have told her several times that all of this + calling him and getting him syn weed when I am not around is upsetting to me and please don't be so nice to a man she thinks is a jerk that I should forget. Then when we are going to see them or something, she tells me she will call him and see if we need to bring something, like he would not talk to me or it would upset him to talk to me, almost like she has to be my liaison if I want contact with him and then tells me not to get my hopes up that it will be fun because he probably plans to be mean to me. Then when it goes well, she says he was just buttering me up or something and for me not to think anything good about how it seemed. She treats me like she knows him better than me, even though she has known him since last July and I lived with him for 3 years. Her guy has been just as ugly to her on occasion, but she thinks he is fine with her and lets it go as a bad mood, but tells me, my guy hates me, even though his actions don't say it when I am around him most of the time. The last time we saw him, he got upset and told me to leave, but she was the one who caused it by insisting we go to his house when he told me not to. I was stupid and went because I couldn't stand to have her go be with both of them without me. Anyway, we had agreed to ignore both of them for a while because she had later called her guy to move in with her and he blew her off. So it has been 5 days since I e-mailed my guy after I told him how bad he had treated me after saying he had forgiven me for all the stuff he said he was mad at me for before he told me to leave. Today I called her and she said she had text-ed HIM, and told him she had some syn weed she would sell him for so much, He told her she was crazy if she thought he was going to pay that much for that and instead of telling him he was out of luck, she offered to get him some different stuff. He didn't answer her back then, but I know he will just show up at her house one day with some money for the other. She left him an open invitation to be her friend I feel. Then when I asked her why she was doing that? She said she was just keeping a promise she made. She never does that for me! I asked her why she would keep a promise to someone who would not do the same for her. He smokes with her when we are together, but never gives her any to take home or something. I told her, it felt like she was trying to show me that she could do something I couldn't and be in contact with him because she had something he wanted, and that we had talked about how this upset me before. Instead of saying she was sorry and would support me and have no contact like we had spoken about, she got mad and me and ask me, Just what I thought they might be up too! Totally defensive remark to me. Why would she do that, when she has already had it explained to her on two or more different occasions about the Anxiety it causes me. There is really absolutely no reason for her to talk to him. She didn't even talk to the guy she cares about, just my guy! Another example of how she tries to weed me out. They came by her house one day and he asked her if she had ever seen any of the guys I had mentioned that called me and she said no, and he told her, he had been talking to some girls and was probably going to start dating again. (he hasn't had one since he left here in December 2012) And she told me I might as well just forget him, because that showed he was not interested in me. (who cares what you are doing unless they are interested...he knew she would tell me that) If he didn't care, he could have just told me to go away and dated someone without the jealousy thing. Right? Am I wrong, or is she wrong for doing what she knows hurts me and then not even apoligize about it and just get mad instead....Then when I mentioned hanging out on the weekend like we usually do, she gave me the I'll have to see speech! I explained that I was not trying to be ugly and I never cussed her or even raised my voice. She knows that he was coming on to her in the beginning and would probably like to fool around too, so why is she doing this? Should I trust that she is innocent or is she just feeding her ego, but showing me she can take him if she wants to. I am so confused. If I did not treat her like gold, I would not be so upset, but I am always there for her no matter what. Am I expecting too much or do I need to tell her she is being an Ass and try to move on? I would go crazy if I did wondering if she was sleeping with him to get even. You know what they say about keeping friends close and enemies closer. I just don't know which one she is anymore. I need outsider opinions because I am just too close to the situation. THANKS:( Edited February 22, 2014 by Barbwire One more example of what she does to me.
preraph Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Look, I hate to derail the question, but the real issue here is why you don't move on away from this guy and just get him out of your life. You have said nothing to recommend him. Just because you still love him will not make him become a better person. Love does not turn bad people into good people because bad people have little capacity for love. People who are not very nice only get worse as the years go by. If they have trouble being nice people when they're young and everything is going as well for them than it is likely to ever do again, then they are just going to get worse as life presents more challenges. And you already know he does it to make himself feel better and if you know that, you know he has self-esteem issues -- and if you know that, then you know that is something extremely hard to change. You don't grow out of it. On top of everything, it sounds like his getting high lifestyle is all-encompassing, so he very well be an addict. Forget about what this woman is doing or not doing. You need to find someone better to love. I can't tell you how many things you said about him that tell me he's a disrespectful jerk. Now you need to examine your own self-esteem and find out why you think he should be good enough for you. So take time out and do that before picking any more men and you'll be happier in a few years.
Author Barbwire Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 He is not the issue here. I am doing all I can to forget him, I have not had contact with him in 8 days now, but she has.....knowing how I am trying to get over him. But I have ADD and OCD and Anxiety and that is not an easy thing to do and having it rubbed in my face makes it worse. I have no support except people telling me to forget him. He lived with me for 3 years as a constant companion and friend and at one point a lover...he was all the family I had and I put him out because he has bi-polar and became mean to me, I understand his self esteem issues and such, and I really hoped by taking that step, I could forget him. but we became friends again after about 4 months of no contact except by e-mail, and he has been nice except when he has an episode and flashes back to what he considers me being the bad guy for putting him out. I totally wish I could forget, but you try to forget someone you loved and lived with that easily. The only way I could ever get him out of my head is to blow my brains out and I am not that crazy! The issue is that this girl is supposed to be my best friend. She says the same thing about him and tells me to just forget him and then instead of standing with me in protestor support, she continues to contact him herself and offer to get him syn weed and stuff and acts like I should think nothing of it and forget him, while he is flaunted as still being her friend No one seems to care how this is tearing me apart. I don't have many friends and it will hurt to lose her, but I need to know what is going on. Without her and him, I have no family. These people are all I have. How do you forget someone right under your nose? Please refer to the answer I need, not the one I already am trying to address.
preraph Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 You have got to get real about this. I do know how hurt you are. You are going to have to learn to deal with that and get past it. 8 days is nothing. You are still being territorial of him and he has already treated you very badly in any number of ways. If you feel you cannot cope with this, which is understandable, please do a few therapy sessions to sort through things. Once you find out someone is not a good person, you have to let them go. You can miss them or whatever, but you have to realize you loved more the person you hoped he was than the one he is. He's going up grabbing other women he barely knows in front of you! He's totally disrespecting you AND her. He doesn't really care about either of you. He probably doesn't know what love is. He doesn't care one whit whether he hurts you or her. He is not a caring person. I realize you might be better able to deal with leaving him if she wasn't in the picture, but there is always going to be someone else in the picture. I have had the same type anxiety and it made me realize I needed to get away even sooner.
Author Barbwire Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 I go to therapy once a month and hear the same stuff...This has nothing to do with the issue of him. I just need to know if she is a real friend or not. I can deal with how he treats me and he did not grab anyone in front of me...She told me he did that, another example of her lording it over me? I am happy just having him in my life as a friend. He is not a bad person, just a bi-polar person who treats even his family like that. He just can't see that he treats anyone bad. He thinks because I threw him out of my house that he is bad and he has a need to get even. What he does, does not even hurt me anymore, but what she does is what hurts me! I just need to know if I should continue my relationship as a friend with her. I have been in therapy all my life. I understand that it is not a healthy relationship, I understand also that it gives me hope that I don't have otherwise....they say you only stay in bad relationships because you get something out of them.....I get the feeling that I am helping someone else that the world has given up on. He has one close friend....a drunk that is worse off than him. He has 3 children that he cannot see because he treated his beatuful ex girlfriend the same way and she ran away with his kids to protect them from his putdowns. He is sick and when he came here, he trusted me to love him regardless and I let him down, by not doing that the way I should have and things would have been ok. He always comes back around. The friend has always thrown things out to make the bad feelings come out again, when things were going smooth....so my questions comes back about her, not him....she sets me up for failure! And then she tells me I should not care about him and in a few days, she says she has called him for some stupid reason, and even after I tell her how much it hurts me, she does something else stupid, like she was going to go to his house and get a phone from the other guy that I wanted, but told him I could not go because I was not welcome.....stuff like that! He hasn't done anything, since the last time I saw him. She just keeps trying to show me, she can talk to him and I can't. That is not HIM doing anything, it's her! You just seem to think I am stupid and not getting any help for my problem...but my stupid counselor can't tell me anything about HOW to get over it, just that I should and I already know that, but I have been trying for a year! It took me 10 years to end a marriage of 16 that was no good. I just need lots of time, but I need a friend who is going to stick by me and I need to know if I have one. That's all. Thanks!
preraph Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Look, if you have doubts about this woman, then just stop being around her. Tell her you're busy. Don't make excuses. Just if she calls, say you're busy. People go without seeing girlfriends for a month at a time all the time. But this really isn't about her. You are worried she is after your ex and being territorial and that's the bigger problem. But meanwhile, by all means, avoid her -- and him too.
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