The Master of Bad Timing.

[radrluv72]

I wasn't 100% sure where to plop this story...this forum seemed the best. I'm not sure if I even have a question or need advice...maybe it's more of a need to just get it out there. But here's my sticky story.

 

Last October, my life was in chaos at all angles. I had been laid off from my job of 12 1/2 years since June and was trying to nail down some work. My father had been in the hospital twice in 30 days, both times with pneumonia and near sepsis. I had a close friend that had to go to detox because he was a chronic alcoholic, and I had to sever my relationship with my best friend of 3 years because the friendship had gone toxic. I was emotionally shredded, to say the least. While all this was going on, I was approached by this great, great guy. 36 and a single father, tall, cute, funny, incredibly intelligent, a wicked sense of humor, and most notably, was very intent on getting to know all about me and dating me. We talked for about 2-3 weeks amidst my chaos. He would send me these lengthy, yet wonderful to read e-mails about him, his day, his life. However, I had more of a wall up...while he knew about some of the things happening with me, I never let him in on how emotionally tore up I was. I really tried to keep up with him, but after 3 weeks, I finally had to be honest about where I was in my life and I told him that it just was not the time to be pursuing anything romantically with him or anyone else. I just didn't have it in me. He understood. We went our separate ways.

 

Fast forward to the end of this past January. Things in my life had very much settled down. I landed a steady well-paying job, my father was fully recovered and doing great, and my friend was sober and in treatment. I went out on a date with someone, my first date since the previous July. We had fun but the chemistry wasn't quite there. And then I started thinking about my friend from October. I had never deleted his number from my phone or any of his e-mails. I went through and re-read some of his old letters, and remembered exactly what it was that got me about this guy...how similar we were in common sense, sense of humor and way of thinking. And most of all, once upon a time he'd been into me. So I thought...why not? I took a shot and sent him an e-mail saying hello, telling him that he had been on my mind and explained exactly what had been going on with me at the time that I had to stop talking to him previously. And I waited.

 

Well, he replied. And while he was happy--and caught off guard--to hear from me, he proceeded to tell me that he was in a weird spot and not sure what to do. Well...this sounded familiar....

 

He proceeded to tell me that before he found me 3 months before, up till the end of the previous September he'd been dating someone. He said that while they got along on most levels, there was a certain "personality clash" that was difficult to ignore, but didn't say what at the beginning. The reason they'd split up was because when it came time to talk about moving in together, she refused unless he would give her kids. Being the father of an 11 year old already, he didn't want any more kids. So they split. A month later, he found me. Then we fizzled out. After that, he decided to go solo for a while. During this time, he started to question whether maybe he'd been too picky about certain personality traits of girlfriends past, because he was 36 and still unmarried. He also started to question why he was so adamant about not wanting more kids. So the following December, he called up his ex and they met for a drink, and he simply asked her, "what if I was wrong?"

 

He went on to say that 6-7 weeks later, she's completely besotted with him and has stars in her eyes about their theoretical future. However now, he's not feeiling the same way.

 

He went on to tell me that he found quickly that the "personality clash" that had been an issue previously the first time they were together, was still there. He said that his girlfriend has an obsession over being seen as "capable". And that this spilled into every facet of their lives, and most unforgiveably, into their daily conversations. He said that no matter what the subject. she was either never wrong or knew all about it. And if she didn't, she would dismiss it as unimportant. He said that while she "got" him, nothing changed how he felt when they would talk. He said that she made him feel as if he could not be good or smart about anything, and that never once did she look at him with admiration or respect. He was starting to think that he'd made a horrible mistake in feeling he could come into an accord with her, and now he was having second--and third--thoughts about reconnecting with her. He was in an emotional crisis. And then...he got my e-mail.

 

He said that he had been interested in the possibility of me back in October, and he was still interested now. But considering the mess he was in, he didn't know what to do about me. And me? I was at a loss for words. I felt bad for him. But at the same time I also found myself not knowing what to do either. I mean, I wanted the guy. But I wasn't about to force myself on him either.

 

We gingerly exchanged updated pictures and breif e-mails for about five days...nothing heavy. However one night, I did express that I wish that there had been some way that we could talk more often, maybe just as friends. I wasn't one to condone cheating, and I wasn't interested in making things more complcated for him. But the response I got from him, which was the last, perhaps that had already happened.

 

In my last e-mail from him, he apologized for how terrible our timing was, yet again. But the truth of the matter was that talking to me was in effect, him being dishonest with his girlfriend. Hedging his bets with me might as well be cheating. He wasn't ready to give up on his girlfriend yet, and that there would be no way to justify our conversation if he was confronted about it. He also said that pursuing anything with me while connected to her would be a disservice to me. He told me that part of him wanted to see me, to see how we would connect, but it wouldn't be fair to try to compare me to his current girlfriend to see if I would be better than what he already had. He said in doing so, he wouldn't be a man of honor. And he was right on every count of it. There wasn't one thing that I could argue or debate. And it nearly broke my heart that we couldn't even be friends.

 

However, at the end of his e-mail, he left a door open...as I know some men do. He said that like I had to do previously, it was his turn to tell me no for now. But if in one month or six, if he came up for air and I was still "surfing" by, that well...we'd have to see. All I could do was accept with a simple "okay". And that was it. It's been almost 2 weeks since this last e-mail. I haven't tried to contact him...no texts, e-mails or phone calls. I respect him even more now than I did before, because he did the right thing.

 

That being said, since then I've been sad. I know like most do, that getting back together with an ex is not such a hot idea. He already knows that the end of his current situation will not be a positive one, and I respect the space he needs to work it out. But it is SO HARD to resist the temptation of waiting. I haven't sat and waited for a guy for decades. I even have an open invitation as of right now for a dinner date with someone else, but I haven't accepted it because it comes from someone who falls into the same cookie-cutter category of guys that I used to date that always fizzled out. Mr. October stands out...I like how I connect with him. It feels right. I like him and he likes me. But I feel so screwed up because I know that there is nothing I can do about this right now. I have to accept it and leave it be. I try to keep myself busy so I don't think about it...but I always catch myself checking my phone for a text or e-mail saying, "it's done". We've struck out twice now. And I'm just so scared that if I get a third chance to finally get together with this guy, that I'll miss it again and screw it up. I'm a person that gets up and does something as opposed to sitting and crying about it. But this time...I can't do anything.

 

Has this happened to anyone here?

[kodakgirl]

That is a very frustrating situation to be in. I've had experiences that were similar in some ways-- the timing just wasn't right for a relationship. This past summer I met a man who was exactly what I wanted, we clicked so well and both really liked each other, it felt in every way it was finally happening. But, essentially, with the looming pressure of the last year of a PhD he was already behind on he felt it just was not the time for a relationship. I was devastasted, but understood. (Though, to be honest, it's been six months now and I'm still not entirely over it!) A part of me wanted desperately to wait... what's a year when you've waited your whole life for someone like this? Sometimes the thought still hits me.

 

But... you can't wait. I actually have tried it before, too. Seriously, you can't. Waiting in hope isn't the same as, say, waiting for the distance to end in a long-distance relationship you actually have. You could wait and wait and end up nowhere... worse, really, because as you wait you'll be fixating on that person even more, idealizing them as you justify your waiting, and then the disappointment and hurt will be that much worse.

 

I totally feel your frustration, especially when you didn't get a flat out "no, never." Like you I want to be able to DO something. I've fought really hard for a lot of things in my life. But in situation like this, you can't fight. It is totally out of your hands. I find that agonizing.

 

In my situation, too, he was very kind and respectful, and I ended up respecting him more for how it dealt with it. It's not helpful, haha. At least if things end with anger you have those negative feelings to hold on to while reminding yourself you aren't going to contact them. You have emotional reasons. Whereas in a situation like yours or mine, yes, there are logical reasons... but your heart just has the one feeling.

 

I don't know if I can really offer advice on dealing with it... as I said, I'm still rather stuck on someone I should be over by now, despite my best efforts. The only thing that's reassured me is to think, well, I've done everything--at this point, "if it's meant to be it will be." I personally don't believe in a higher power or fate or anything but still I find that sentiment somehow reassuring. It is 100% in his hands, not in yours or mine. Maybe one day he will come back and the timing will be right... but since there's no way of knowing and nothing you can do to make that more likely, well. All you can do is keep living your life. It might be hard to meet someone else who you feel as strongly about, and that's fine. But don't avoid meeting people to keep a spot open for someone who may not ever come for it, and certainly don't pass up on someone you DO feel that strongly about. If it's "meant to be" it will be; if not, that means it's "meant to be" with someone else.

[radrluv72]

Thanks so much for the sincerity of your comment on my predicament. I try really hard to keep the whole thing in perspective, but it gets to me.

 

When I heard back from him the first time, I was just really shocked about how much detail he went into about how bad this second round with his ex was. And I was even more shocked that he was even divulging his issue to begin with. After he blew off his steam, he told me that he was a bit horrified at much detail he'd given me, but at the same token, he hadn't talked to anyone else about what was going on. I think the fact that I had been so open and honest about my state of mind three months prior might have cued him to finally cut loose, but that's just a guess. I can't claim to know what he's thinking.

 

But when he said in his last reply to me that he wasn't ready to give up on his ex just yet...yes, I was sad, but I couldn't hold it against him. I mean, look at the situation...he calls her up three months after they split, asks for a second chance, she gives it to him, and he winds up right back in the same hole he was in before. I don't know if men necessarily look at it in this light, but I'd probably be doing my damndest to make sure that the relationship was unsalvageable before I would say "I'm done". Otherwise he looks like a huge jerk who doesn't know what he wants.

 

I start my new job on Monday, and that'll keep me plenty busy where I can just kind of stick my head in the sand for a little while, take my focus off of this situation and revisit it later, if and when the time comes. I'm not interested in putting my life on hold...I like living my life. But you're right...that not being handed a "no, never" and having him leave the door open like that is incredibly frustrating. Which is all the more reason I have to find ways not to dwell on it.