PTSD or just lack of trust? - from wayward

[changedlife]

I really believe my betrayed gf is suffering from a type of PTSD.

I've been going to counseling for a while, read a few books on figuring out why I cheated and ultimately I have been treating her very well.

 

She still has an incredibly hard time trusting me though. It seems like any little thing that could possibly be misinterepted is a lie. Granted she is also an attorney. I try to be very clear with her, and I offer her information, but I feel like she twists things around to seem different than what they really are.

 

I know that there is a lack of trust due to everything that happened and the lies that came with it.. But I've been very transparent and open with her for several months.

I don't know if I'm just not communicating well enough... or if she is really traumatized by everything that happened and is suffering from something more.

 

I have this internal struggle because I know I am telling the truth but she just doesn't believe it and its frustrating.

 

Do I even have a right to be frustrated? I don't feel like I do.

 

This **** is just tough sometimes. I think I would feel the same way she does, but I don't know if what she is dealing with is more than just lack of trust.

 

I don't know. Any thoughts?

[TheyCallMeOx]

I think Volitaire said it best: "I do not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." However you feel is right in your life -- however, other people might disagree. The real question you have to ask is "is how I feel justified?"

 

I'll be honest...how you feel isn't justified. Getting cheated on is a crucial blow to the relationship. The only time it's not bad is when the other people was just as guilty. However, if it's just a person who has done nothing to warrant manipulation, then they haven't done anything wrong to justify your thoughts. Any logical person would develop some kind of PTSD from that experience because you've ultimately lost a lot of trust with person, and justifiably so. Ideally, you don't cheat on people you love. When you cheat, it becomes questionable about the future.

 

You can't just cheat on someone, bro, and turn around and say "hey, I'm sorry. I'm gonna be honest from now on, read books and **** like that, and it won't happen again." The problem with people is that it's hard to develop trust. It's even harder to rebuild trust. You may claim to be a changed man and everything, and you may be telling her the truth...but the problem is that how can she know it's the truth? Just because you say something doesn't make it true -- even if it is, why should she believe you?

 

People make mistakes, yeah, but cheating is not just some spur of the moment kind of thing. If someone chooses to cheat, regardless of how much alcohol they've had to drink, you have to wonder how something like that could even happen in the first place. Either there's something wrong with the relationship, or there's something wrong with you. If there's something wrong with you, there's not a book that can explain your thoughts better than you can -- that requires some deep thought about your thought process to the event leading up to act of cheating.

 

If it's something to do with the relationship, then that requires some deep thinking as well. You choose to cheat for a reason. Maybe you're just not happy with your relationship? Maybe the sex life sucks? Maybe she's just not sexually compatible with you? It could be anything at this point, but only you know yourself the best. I can't really dig into your mind and pull out the reason like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

 

Has it potentially ruined a relationship? Potentially. Can things get better? They can provided the other person who was cheated on consents to therapy and whatnot. Are you justified in your frustration? Well, you have to understand the circumstances and put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? Your frustration is justified to a certain extent because you claim to have really changed and never going to manipulate anyone ever again, but you have to consider the fact that she arguably didn't do anything wrong. Learn from your mistake. If you have to start over with a new woman, learn why you cheated and simply don't do it again.

[changedlife]

I think Volitaire said it best: "I do not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." However you feel is right in your life -- however, other people might disagree. The real question you have to ask is "is how I feel justified?"

 

I'll be honest...how you feel isn't justified. Getting cheated on is a crucial blow to the relationship. The only time it's not bad is when the other people was just as guilty. However, if it's just a person who has done nothing to warrant manipulation, then they haven't done anything wrong to justify your thoughts. Any logical person would develop some kind of PTSD from that experience because you've ultimately lost a lot of trust with person, and justifiably so. Ideally, you don't cheat on people you love. When you cheat, it becomes questionable about the future.

 

You can't just cheat on someone, bro, and turn around and say "hey, I'm sorry. I'm gonna be honest from now on, read books and **** like that, and it won't happen again." The problem with people is that it's hard to develop trust. It's even harder to rebuild trust. You may claim to be a changed man and everything, and you may be telling her the truth...but the problem is that how can she know it's the truth? Just because you say something doesn't make it true -- even if it is, why should she believe you?

 

People make mistakes, yeah, but cheating is not just some spur of the moment kind of thing. If someone chooses to cheat, regardless of how much alcohol they've had to drink, you have to wonder how something like that could even happen in the first place. Either there's something wrong with the relationship, or there's something wrong with you. If there's something wrong with you, there's not a book that can explain your thoughts better than you can -- that requires some deep thought about your thought process to the event leading up to act of cheating.

 

If it's something to do with the relationship, then that requires some deep thinking as well. You choose to cheat for a reason. Maybe you're just not happy with your relationship? Maybe the sex life sucks? Maybe she's just not sexually compatible with you? It could be anything at this point, but only you know yourself the best. I can't really dig into your mind and pull out the reason like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

 

Has it potentially ruined a relationship? Potentially. Can things get better? They can provided the other person who was cheated on consents to therapy and whatnot. Are you justified in your frustration? Well, you have to understand the circumstances and put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? Your frustration is justified to a certain extent because you claim to have really changed and never going to manipulate anyone ever again, but you have to consider the fact that she arguably didn't do anything wrong. Learn from your mistake. If you have to start over with a new woman, learn why you cheated and simply don't do it again.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

My counselor and I have already got to the root of my reason why. I had a much deeper emotional connection problem from my childhood that I didn't want to believe could be the issue at first. It took me a while to accept it, but ever since I have and started reading some books concerning it, ive accepted and faced it. I've had some nightmares regarding that stuff now remembering how I felt at those times. Its extra stuff thrown on top of all this mess I've got myself into. There was definitely nothing wrong the sex life or how she treated me. The sex was the most passionate, closest sex of my life. It was really more like making love than anything else. We could feel loved when we had sex with each other.

So yeah. I could go into a much longer explanation on what went off in my mind the days I cheated. I know its bad, and trust me I feel guilty and shame from the bottom of my heart.

 

I just want to be able to help her... and help her trust me again so we don't lose what we had.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I really believe my betrayed gf is suffering from a type of PTSD.

I've been going to counseling for a while, read a few books on figuring out why I cheated and ultimately I have been treating her very well.

 

She still has an incredibly hard time trusting me though. It seems like any little thing that could possibly be misinterepted is a lie. Granted she is also an attorney. I try to be very clear with her, and I offer her information, but I feel like she twists things around to seem different than what they really are.

 

I know that there is a lack of trust due to everything that happened and the lies that came with it.. But I've been very transparent and open with her for several months.

I don't know if I'm just not communicating well enough... or if she is really traumatized by everything that happened and is suffering from something more.

 

I have this internal struggle because I know I am telling the truth but she just doesn't believe it and its frustrating.

 

Do I even have a right to be frustrated? I don't feel like I do.

 

This **** is just tough sometimes. I think I would feel the same way she does, but I don't know if what she is dealing with is more than just lack of trust.

 

I don't know. Any thoughts?

 

Last I read in your posts, she had broken up with you. Is that still the case or did she come back?

[janedoe67]

Patience

 

Consistency

 

Empathy

 

Compassion

 

Honesty

 

 

That is what your gf needs from you. I do not know how long ago your D-Day was, but if it was less than a year or so, then no, you do not have a right to be frustrated.

[tired girl]

So you blow up a relationship, and your gf is just supposed to trust you now?

 

Why? Because you have figured yourself out? What does that prove? Nothing to her. She didn't think you would do this in the first place. You need to get the magnitude of what you have done. And you really don't.

[BetrayedH]

I really believe my betrayed gf is suffering from a type of PTSD.

I've been going to counseling for a while, read a few books on figuring out why I cheated and ultimately I have been treating her very well.

 

She still has an incredibly hard time trusting me though. It seems like any little thing that could possibly be misinterepted is a lie. Granted she is also an attorney. I try to be very clear with her, and I offer her information, but I feel like she twists things around to seem different than what they really are.

 

I know that there is a lack of trust due to everything that happened and the lies that came with it.. But I've been very transparent and open with her for several months.

I don't know if I'm just not communicating well enough... or if she is really traumatized by everything that happened and is suffering from something more.

 

I have this internal struggle because I know I am telling the truth but she just doesn't believe it and its frustrating.

 

Do I even have a right to be frustrated? I don't feel like I do.

 

This **** is just tough sometimes. I think I would feel the same way she does, but I don't know if what she is dealing with is more than just lack of trust.

 

I don't know. Any thoughts?

 

2-5 years.

[gettingstronger]

Its kind of two fold- I know for me its not only did I initially not trust what came out of his mouth, but I did not trust my instincts- I second guessed pretty much everything-for so long we had what I thought was an honest, trusting relationship-he travels extensively for work-if he said he was going to bed early after a long day- I believed it- if he said he had lack of cell during the day-I believed it-if he said his phone died- I believed it- now sometimes those things were true and sometimes they were a cover-now when those things happen it does give me pause- he can hear it in my voice- he tries to avoid some of those things as he knows they trigger me-

Also- when he says "I'll never do that again" I think in the back of my head, I never thought you would do them in the first place-isn't that kind of an unspoken part of a relationship-honesty, fidelity, etc....

 

Anyway, its not a matter of are you entitled to be frustrated its more of how do you express it- one of the best things he said was " I am frustrated that I damaged one of the best parts of us-trust- and every time you doubt me I remember that I am the cause of it, but it still makes me frustrated. I am more mad at me than I am at you but it still hurts"

[changedlife]

Thank you everybody for your replies. I know and feel the magnitude of what I've done. How its scared the relationship permanently. There is no doubt in my mind that I would never cheat again after seeing and feeling the magnitude of it. However, I know that she doesn't know that truth for feel that truth. I wish more than anything I could have understood or seen all of this a few years ago. It's very hard to forgive myself for the amount of pain I've put her through and how its changed her. It breaks my heart to see her hurting.

 

Thanks again everybody. This stuff is just hard. She walked away from the relationship recently. She is emotionally still in the relationship but physically has distanced herself from me to protect herself from it all. I can't blame her and I'm not mad at her. I'm only mad and disapointed in myself. Maybe she will come back, maybe not. Either way, I'll never forget what I could have had if I hadn't cheated.

 

Thanks again guys.

[road]

I really believe my betrayed gf is suffering from a type of PTSD.

I've been going to counseling for a while, read a few books on figuring out why I cheated and ultimately I have been treating her very well.

 

She still has an incredibly hard time trusting me though. It seems like any little thing that could possibly be misinterepted is a lie. Granted she is also an attorney. I try to be very clear with her, and I offer her information, but I feel like she twists things around to seem different than what they really are.

 

I know that there is a lack of trust due to everything that happened and the lies that came with it.. But I've been very transparent and open with her for several months.

I don't know if I'm just not communicating well enough... or if she is really traumatized by everything that happened and is suffering from something more.

 

I have this internal struggle because I know I am telling the truth but she just doesn't believe it and its frustrating.

 

Do I even have a right to be frustrated? I don't feel like I do.

 

This **** is just tough sometimes. I think I would feel the same way she does, but I don't know if what she is dealing with is more than just lack of trust.

 

I don't know. Any thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

How long was the affair and how did your GF find out?

[BetrayedH]

Thank you everybody for your replies. I know and feel the magnitude of what I've done. How its scared the relationship permanently. There is no doubt in my mind that I would never cheat again after seeing and feeling the magnitude of it. However, I know that she doesn't know that truth for feel that truth. I wish more than anything I could have understood or seen all of this a few years ago. It's very hard to forgive myself for the amount of pain I've put her through and how its changed her. It breaks my heart to see her hurting.

 

Thanks again everybody. This stuff is just hard. She walked away from the relationship recently. She is emotionally still in the relationship but physically has distanced herself from me to protect herself from it all. I can't blame her and I'm not mad at her. I'm only mad and disapointed in myself. Maybe she will come back, maybe not. Either way, I'll never forget what I could have had if I hadn't cheated.

 

Thanks again guys.

 

Your head and heart are in the right place. This just takes much more time and effort than you ever conceived. I don't think those of us that are BSs even had an idea of how much infidelity would impact us. We just kinda hypothetically thought that we'd either leave (or perhaps forgive, if the circumstances were right). I'm not sure anyone expected PTSD-like symptoms that sometimes go on for years. But the reality is that it shakes us to the core. As a previous poster described, we can't trust our own judgment about the most basic things in life. If the one person in life that was committed to have our back can so easily lie and deceive us and stab us in the back (and we didn't even see it coming), how can we really ever trust anyone? And how can we trust ourselves to prevent such a betrayal in the future? It's just a god-awful experience.

 

What does it take to recover? Well, you can do a lot. I think it's mostly about demonstrating "consistent actions over time." And it takes longer than you think (thus, my previous remark of 2-5 years). Read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things that every wayward spouse needs to know. Make it a team effort (as much as she will allow it). Be proactive. Empathize. Don't get frustrated with her. Get this into your head - NO ONE WANTS HER TO BE OVER IT MORE THAN SHE DOES. Expressing frustration with her about her trust issues would be remarkably stupid because you are the cause of them.

 

So, be quietly frustrated with yourself if you must. But don't dwell in shame - that's more selfishness. Instead, redouble your efforts. It may sound crazy but my wife also took photos with time and date stamps and sent them to me when she knew I was anxious. It helped, especially when I didn't have to ask. Keep reading about what you can do and take those actions. They speak much louder than words. If you do, you'll have done something you can be proud of. Wouldn't that be a change for the better? And she can be proud of you and not be ashamed of her attempts to reconcile.

 

Good luck.

[MovingPast]

I really believe my betrayed gf is suffering from a type of PTSD.

I've been going to counseling for a while, read a few books on figuring out why I cheated and ultimately I have been treating her very well.

 

She still has an incredibly hard time trusting me though. It seems like any little thing that could possibly be misinterepted is a lie. Granted she is also an attorney. I try to be very clear with her, and I offer her information, but I feel like she twists things around to seem different than what they really are.

 

 

Sounds like she's hypervigilant. It happens, it's a response to the trauma, you start to see danger everywhere ... it's a protection mechanism. Every different sound, every slip of paper out of place, the car seat not on the usual notch, all sorts of stuff. It drives you crazy as a BS but it feels like we have to watch for the danger now.

 

I know you think she's misinterpreting everything but what she's telling you is how she she's it and you see things differently when you've been betrayed.

 

At least, that's how it is with me

I wish you luck

[Oberfeldwebel]

The fact is some people want to reconcile immediately, while others are finished immediately. The fact that she is still around is evidence that she is not finished with the relationship. She doesn't want a physical relationship, because of your infidelity is understandable. How long are you willing to wait on her? You are the one that drove this relationship in the ditch, it is your job to dig it out.