KaliKatherine Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 In my marriage I was the 'distancer' in the bedroom. Despite the sex being pretty satisfying and giving from both of us, it was not as often as my stbx would have liked. (and he certainly let me know it) I was the emotional pursuer, he was the sexual pursuer. I would say we were generally having sex about once a week. I know that doesn't sound like much, but when you're still waking up2-3x a night with a baby and juggling 2 children 14 hrs a day with no help seemed like an amazing feat to me at the time, not to mention the core of our relationship was eroding away. What has surprised me is after 4 months of being separated is that I now think about sex way more than I ever did before:eek:...perhaps because I have more energy, slightly more time to myself, but zero opportunity (taking care of 2 young children, one of whom is just a baby and nursing). By no means do I feel ready for a relationship but the frequency of sexual thoughts has been really surprising and challenges what I had believed about myself previously (that I had a low Sex drive) Also I had no other sexual partner than my stbx so it's not like I have a diverse wealth of partners to gauge my sexual identity, or typical approach sexual relationships. So, I'm wondering, how common is this? I'm especially interested in hearing from women who were in their early 30s at the time of marriage failure. Any good reads that helped you understand/re formulate a better approach to sex when the next significant relationship began?
what_a_blonde Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I don't fit the profile you mention above, but the input I can provide is that it makes complete sense that now that he is gone out of your life, you're now having more of a drive. Sounds like when he was there, he was providing no help around the house, yet you two were having disagreements then of course when sex would come up it was more of a disagreement. Unhappiness and unhealthy relationships could cause many people to lose their sex drive. Plus, I'm sure your esteem and confidence was taking a hit because of all that was going on. Now that he's out of your life, that "stress" and additional weight is gone. Not saying things are any easier now at all, however I think that you're no longer dealing with the mental and emotional drain which can REALLY take a toll. If anything, I think going forward it would be good to ensure there is balance in the relationship. If the balance continues, communication stays strong, and both are giving an equal amount of effort (of what each expects as well), then it will be less likely that the sex will fizzle again. 1
Charlie Harper Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Other things to consider: You don't have a man around and don't have odors or other small but important sensations, so your drive will go up, consider the energy you don't lose by conflict and emotional attrition and there you have it...more libido. And people sometimes wonder why the hell divorced people join Gyms and do marathons etc... 1
Yarrow Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I fit the profile you mention. Only 1 kid though, and just finished nursing. My ex was gone before baby was born, so my mood went into the toilet and with it my libido. I have a feeling that low sex drive was only a small part of the problem. The real problem was low desire for your husband in particular. He sounds like a tool, so I don't blame you.
2.50 a gallon Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 KK Your story is quite common. In my younger days I dated several newly divorced ladies. They were still getting over the divorce, so were not ready to get emotionally involved. They were just looking for some unattached fun. A chance to temporarily detach from being a mom and spend a couple of hours being a sexy woman. One other thing that I noticed was how much they wanted to experiment, and try things that they had not tried with their Ex's. I did not understand until after I got married. Prior to getting married my Ex and sex, was any where, any time, any way. All that changed after we got married, as she put it, "I am your wife, not your sl*t"
Author KaliKatherine Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 Other things to consider: You don't have a man around and don't have odors or other small but important sensations, so your drive will go up, consider the energy you don't lose by conflict and emotional attrition and there you have it...more libido. And people sometimes wonder why the hell divorced people join Gyms and do marathons etc... Never considered the impact of 'odors', Charlie Harper. That one definitely made me laugh.
Scott0310 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 KK I did not understand until after I got married. Prior to getting married my Ex and sex, was any where, any time, any way. All that changed after we got married, as she put it, "I am your wife, not your sl*t" See I have to be the one to disagree with you on this one. My wife and I didnt really change in that sense. It did after we had kids, but mostly because until they got old enough to stay in their rooms and sleep through the night, we kept it to the bed/bathroom. Living room is a frequent spot for us, on the couch, few times in the kitchen, got up behind her while she was doing dishes. I know alot of the sex is usually "simple" do to the fact couples with kids just do it and get it when they can, and usually it has to be quick before the kids distract you. But again, my wife and I never had much problem with experimenting after we wed, she is my slut in the bedroom and I pleasure her as much as possible.
Scott0310 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Sorry, meant to add this with my previous post. I am actually in a somewhat similar situation, my wife and I are separated and since the separation I have noticed my sex drive sky rocket. It was high before but due to the events leading up to our separation, sex got kinda boring (I do realize the contradicting statement with my previous post). I thoroughly enjoy sex with my wife, and want/ed to have it often. Our separation has turned to the point of us finally being friends, and over the past week, a type of FWB situation, both realizing its just sex, but its with each other and its safe and comfortable. Each time we've had sex it was awesome, hell I'm even proud to say I even got her to cum, something that hasnt happened in a long time. There is more energy between us and with each other but looking at our past it is because everything that had led up to us separating has not been happening while we're separated. BTW, we are still living under the same house, everything is kind of back to normal minus the love of a marriage. We laugh, we talk, and we are kind of hanging out again, something that we've not done for years. I think because of this and the lack of bull ***** that led up to her wanting a separation, we are actually happier right now then we've been for years. And yes, smells do have an effect. I fell asleep on the couch once and her scarf was next to my head, smelled so much like her, I ended up dreaming of her all night. So scents do play a factor, both positive AND negative.
Mr.Milked Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Also I had no other sexual partner than my stbx so it's not like I have a diverse wealth of partners to gauge my sexual identity, or typical approach sexual relationships. How did it get inside your pretty little head that one needed a 'wealth of partners to gauge' one's sexual identity? You have two kids... What does "sexual identity" even mean from a mom?
bv120 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I can vividly remember my sex drive skyrocketing when my 1st husband and I divorced. Sex became an urgent need and I even began masturbating. My current husband and I are separated with our divorce becoming final in a couple of weeks. Once again I feel my sexual needs becoming more and more urgent. I suppose for me it has something to do with not having a man in my bed.
Author KaliKatherine Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 How did it get inside your pretty little head that one needed a 'wealth of partners to gauge' one's sexual identity? You have two kids... What does "sexual identity" even mean from a mom? You have a point there too-- being single with 2 kids under age 3 means no sex for probably at least a couple of years! I get to share my bed ( sometimes) with a 14 month old that will probably I insist on nursing longer than her older sis ( weaned at 16 months) and... By sexual identity I guess I was trying to say I was pretty inexperienced sexually when I married so I'm not sure how my thoughts/ tendencies in this area would play out with a new partner. My pretty little head thinks only time will tell.
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