Irony

[HeavenOrHell]

I've been depressed lately, partly about the distance/missing him/no end in sight, we've been together nearly 4 years, but other things in my life getting to me as well, but r/ship getting to me the most and colouring everything else in my life.

 

I try not to burden him too much with my depression, I haven't directly said this situation is making me worse. I've said what gets to me is not having family to turn to, I never had a close family, and I didn't have kids of my own and that makes me feel lonely, I didn't say being apart from him makes me feel lonely as that would be quite pathetic and a lot of pressure to put on him, also feel my life is a dead end here since my last long r/

ship ended a few years ago.

 

Just realising lately how I've gone from happy and relaxed the first couple of years, when things were good, and we were going to live closer in time, it was his idea to move and then he didn't, and then I got depressed bit by bit and it's reached rock bottom, although I was starting to feel a bit better, working through it by myself and with therapy and friends, until he said tonight that I've given him my depression Not sure if he meant it as a joke, but he has been feeling low for a while, although not explained why exactly apart from he feels like a failure in his life.

 

He's always said don't pretend, ie tell him how I'm feeling, but what's the point if it brings him down.

 

He did say later tonight I don't depress him really. But it must be hard for him, I've said so many times it's not his responsibility to make me feel better, it's down to no-one but me.

Anyway, the irony is, even in the unlikely event of him wanting to ever move, I feel like this situation has screwed me up so much and made me irritable and depressed (I'm not depressed all the time, but lately I am, cos I guess 4 years is just too much and it's got to me), that I'm not fit to be with anyone close by anymore, he's probably put off now anyway, not that I'm horrible to him, ever, never snapped at him, nothing like that, he snaps at me at times though, but it can't be easy for him when I sound low, I used to not talk to him about it, but then he said don't pretend, so I opened up more about it and now I feel like crap after he said I've given him depression, feel weak and pathetic, which I hate as I'm usually the caregiver, so I was right to not have talked to him about it.

 

Feel like I don't want to go and see him now, although when I'm with him I feel much happier and relaxed.

 

I've screwed things up.

Edited February 22, 2014 by HeavenOrHell

[justwhoiam]

Don't pretend you're fine with a situation you can't be fine with... At the end of the day, it'll get to you and make you bitter, and low, and frustrated, etc.

 

The rational you has been telling you not to move not to lose your job. Work is important, no doubt. But is it a real priority for your well-being right now? Work will eventually end anyway, how long would you be supposed to be working? 15 years? Less? Then you'd be alone, with no family.

 

So I think either you build a close social network around you or you can move to him and enjoy his net if he has one. You'd feel better just by living with him, feeling loved and not from a distance. Unless he's some cold man, which I hope he's not.

 

For as crazy as it might seem, if I were you, I'd start to announce that I want to move to him and start feeling his reactions to that. He could then:

- welcome the news with enthusiasm

- welcome the news coldly

- start to feel awkward and question the move

- oppose your idea

- start considering he'd better move to you

 

So those would be in short his options. In some cases, you might get more than just one reaction at the same time. Anyway, it's a good way for you to test the ground.

 

You seem to be near bottom level. Apparently, you can only move upward now.

 

Anyway, I know what it feels like. It's been 2.5 years for me, in some difficult situation, more miles on my shoulders, kids. It's been some very tense time since when we met last time, and it's only been a bit more than 10 weeks. There's always someone in a worse position than you are. So try to look at the bright side. Always. Don't let your sad feelings get all over you. When you feel it coming, do something to turn things the other way.

 

Anyway, to sum it up, you have to decide between work and love. You decide what is more important to you. To me money is not as important as love. I know it's not mainstream this day and age, but I don't mind not being mainstream. And wisdom usually sides with non-materialistic views, not the other way round (just to put in some more perspective and rational thinking which seems to be your cup of tea).

 

I hope I didn't make you upset with my words.

[Els]

HoH, you've been riding this emotional rollercoaster for so long. I think phases like this are normal occasionally especially when going through hardship in a LTR - but yours has been dragging on for a really long time. Every so often your relationship situation hurts you badly, you feel that you want to leave, but end up staying. We've been supportive to you because it really is your decision to stay or leave, but how long more do you feel you could endure this rollercoaster?

 

IMO, it's time to end it once and for all. Kick a door in and change the playing field. Either do the unthinkable and one of you start making concrete plans to move to be with the other, or cut the cord so both of you need not suffer any longer.

[TAV]

HOH, thank you for being so frank. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I don't want to be disrespectful but why is your boyfriend burdening you with the guilt of causing him to feel down instead of being there for you, helping you through it? Even if it is meant in a jokeful manner it is not the most sensitive thing to say to you in your current state of mind.

 

I don't really understand why you could not be 100% honest with him about your feelings to begin with. If you lived with him would you also pretend to smile while you are dying inside? Would you not be able to be completely yourself too?

 

As you know my boyfriend is currently suffering a depression too. It was caused by personal problems that had nothing to do with me but when it started he withdrew within himself, as he had done all his life when faced with troubles. He only never before had done that with me. Even when we were only friends he always felt I was the one person he could say anything to. And because he felt he had to keep his depression from me, because he thought telling me that would make him less of the man I wanted him to be, he started having trouble sleeping. He barely slept for 2 weeks and I noticed his behaviour was a bit off but he is a good actor and I never realised what was going on until we had an argument and he blurted it all out. I felt awful that he had felt he had to play pretend with me and I doubted everything we stood for, everything we ever shared.

 

However, as soon as he told me the truth and kept telling me the truth he felt like a weight had been lifted off him. As painful as some things were to hear I encouraged him to keep being open and honest with me, as we had always been in the past. And miraculously he felt himself getting stronger every day. He was able to get the professional help he needed and, though admittedly it has not been easy on me, we are closer now than we have ever been before.

 

I think your bf should have given you this opportunity too instead of making you feel you had to play happy days and now turning on you because your down days make his life less bright. I know you have said in other posts he has trouble opening up about feelings so I do understand it would be very hard for him but if he loves you he is supposed to make you feel safe no matter how you are feeling.

 

I'm sorry if you feel offended or feel I'm attacking the man you love, he sounds wonderful in many ways, but I am only saying this because I think you deserved a bit more from him.

 

I'm not sure if I agree with the others about leaving all behind at this point in time. I think if you moved there now you'd feel forced to keep up a bright demeanor while it would cause a lot of stress, as any move does and I'm not sure if that would be right for you at this point. I do however agree that just proposing the idea to him would be good for you since you could see what his reaction would be and that would make it a whole lot clearer for you on where you stand with this man.

 

I suggest you do it when you are there in person though so you can see his facial expressions and read his body language too.

 

Meanwhile I hope you have more up days than down and that your friends will pull you through the next 2 week.

[HeavenOrHell]

I misunderstood, I thought he meant I was making him depressed, he said no I'm not and please don't worry about it.

What upset me was he wrote an email in reply to one of mine and sounded a bit cold after I'd sent him a nice message, and also said something which I interpreted as I was making him depressed. But he was just sounding low himself, so I guess it came out wrong/I misinterpreted it.

He doesn't want me to pretend, he's always said that, but when I thought he said I was getting him down then I felt I should hide it. He's always said just be yourself, he means that as in don't pretend, and also when he's low it helps him just by being me.

I choose not to share everything negative I feel with him as it would not be beneficial to me, him or our r/ship, and it doesn't help me or anyone else to go on about it. I am working on the depression with a therapist.

 

I'm not sure he'll be able to open up to me about why he's depressed, he pretends to be ok when he's not, although doesn't want me to do that, I try to encourage him to talk, but I'm not going to push it, he just knows I am there for him. He finds it hard/impossible to ask for help. He's the last person on earth who would go for therapy, he's far too enclosed. He says just be you, ie just being myself and being loving towards him or just chatting in general every day, helps.

 

He tries to cope on his own, at least he admitted to feeling low a few weeks ago, he'd been keeping it to himself and was being all distant, as soon as he admitted he was feeling crap he stopped being distant. I am learning to ask him if he's ok, or how he feels, rather than assume things.

 

I won't be moving there, it wouldn't work, he said he'd be the one to move as he's not happy there, he said he doesn't have a life, and he has no social life, but then he didn't move, so we're stuck.

 

More later, thanks Elswyth and TAV.

[Els]

I won't be moving there, it wouldn't work, he said he'd be the one to move as he's not happy there, he said he doesn't have a life, and he has no social life, but then he didn't move, so we're stuck.

 

Can you follow up on this later on? I can't imagine someone intending to move to their partner because they were unhappy with life where they were, but then putting the move on hold for years. Is there any compelling reason for him to do so? I know he will have to leave his job, but are you unwilling to support him temporarily while he looks for one in your area?

[HeavenOrHell]

He doesn't have the confidence or courage, or the willpower. I am scared to talk to him again about it as I don't want to hear him say he doesn't feel strongly enough about me to move, I know I need to face it though as the closer we get the harder I am finding the situation.

Even though he's not happy with his life there he doesn't have the confidence to look for something over here. He said he doesn't have a life and feels he has no future.

 

I wouldn't have to support him (but of course would if I could) as I wouldn't expect him to leave his job before having found something over here, his company have offices all over the UK, but he's only asked about that one office and that was 3 years ago. He was headhunted into his current job, I really don't think he'd find it very hard to find something here if his current company can't transfer him still.

 

I know it wouldn't be easy, he has a mortgage, and badly lacking self esteem, he would miss his parents, but he has no social life, he's a loner (but not happy that way, he loves being here and seeing my friends), I would move and meet him halfway in this country (London), although I'd want to live separately, partly as I've become so used to my own company now I wouldn't be easy to live with, and because I have social housing so it's my one security and therefore would not be homeless if we split, and I actually have a life to give up where I live, but feel I could make a life in London, we both like it there.

 

But whenever I bring the whole thing up he does a runner, ie leaves me or sounds annoyed, even though he says he's fine with me talking about it but it's frustrating for him as he can't give me any answers, so I stopped talking about it.

He is a dear person but not a man of the world at all, didn't leave home til he was 31 for example, still relies on his parents quite a lot.

 

He knows I'll be there every step of the way he felt he could see about moving, I'm just not sure he'll ever be able to do it, and it's got to the point it's affecting my self esteem, so at times I'm not even sure it's what I want anymore, he's killed the enthusiasm.

 

I will try and see why he's depressed when I'm there, I know he feels a failure in life and doesn't like himself, he doesn't see what a sweet, compassionate, kind person he is.

 

Love him very much and missing him a lot now, just have to see if we can talk while I'm there.

 

I know I've said before, so didn't want to repeat myself, but yes it was his idea to move in the first place, then he got cold feet, I'm guessing lack of confidence, he's not really explained, that's why it affects my self esteem as it makes me feel he used to want to move, now he doesn't, so I guess he doesn't love me enough, no idea.

 

Can you follow up on this later on? I can't imagine someone intending to move to their partner because they were unhappy with life where they were, but then putting the move on hold for years. Is there any compelling reason for him to do so? I know he will have to leave his job, but are you unwilling to support him temporarily while he looks for one in your area?

[justwhoiam]

Sorry, but I think you are part of his insecurities, since you stated you don't want to live with him even if he took a step and move permanently where you live. I can clearly see why he's undecided.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't think it's part of the reason why, because he always said he wouldn't let me give up my house as he knows I'd have nowhere to go if things didn't work out, we're being practical on that score, having both had LTR's which we thought were for life and ended up not being, so we know there's no guarantees. I wish we could live close to each other and both share each other's homes, but it just sounds like a dream which happens to other people and not to me, I have thought a lot about moving there but I just feel it wouldn't work for me, it doesn't feel like the right thing to do, I highly doubt he'd let me give up my life here anyway because of the risks, and it would be a hell of a lot of pressure on us both to make things work no matter what cos if we didn't work out I'd be homeless.

If he moved here like his original plan he can go back if it doesn't work out, it would take time I know, sorting his flat out and transferring his job, but it's not as if he'd be stuck here forever it things didn't work out.

Love doesn't conquer all unfortunately, if only, you have to be practical and rational.

Not all couples have to live together to make it work anyway, I don't even think I'm 'suitable' to live with anyone anyway.

My insecurities, or being practical isn't the reason he got cold feet in the first place 2 or 3 years ago, I think it's more his lack of confidence and belief in himself.

 

 

 

Sorry, but I think you are part of his insecurities, since you stated you don't want to live with him even if he took a step and move permanently where you live. I can clearly see why he's undecided.

[TAV]

Sorry if you have told this here before but does your boyfriend also have therapy for his depression? I hope he does. Even if you do end up in the same country you would want him to be dealing with his issues. You cannot be his savior; it would be a very heavy burden to be responsible for his happiness to that extend. You are working on yourself, which is good. I hope he is/will too.

 

I can understand you will start the next visit with a sick feeling in your stomach, I do hope talking about it brings some stress relief

[HeavenOrHell]

No, he's never even called it depression until recently, I'm not really sure if he's low or actually depressed, and he's so private there's no way he'd open up to a stranger (or anyone else) about it, even remember him saying years ago that he and his ex wouldn't go for therapy as it's just not their thing, not that they needed to go I don't think, he just meant if there were problems therapy wouldn't be their way, doesn't work for everyone I guess.

 

I wouldn't be his saviour, and that's the last thing he'd want or allow, he won't even talk about his problems, so he'd never burden me with it, I worry more that I burden him too much, my anxiety and depression are more severe than his, something I've had all my life and made worse by circumstance. I just want things to be equal, so we're both there for each other, hard to be there for him when he won't really open up, but he says just be myself and that helps (ie supportive and loving).

 

I'm looking forward to seeing him the last couple of days, felt I was too depressed to look forward to it before, but now I really wanting to see him and hug him, I don't know what will happen conversation wise at all, want to just relax him for a while first anyway.

 

Hope you're doing ok? How often do you see your partner?

 

Sorry if you have told this here before but does your boyfriend also have therapy for his depression? I hope he does. Even if you do end up in the same country you would want him to be dealing with his issues. You cannot be his savior; it would be a very heavy burden to be responsible for his happiness to that extend. You are working on yourself, which is good. I hope he is/will too.

 

I can understand you will start the next visit with a sick feeling in your stomach, I do hope talking about it brings some stress relief

[HeavenOrHell]

It's actually the opposite to him being a burden on me, as in he doesn't turn to me at all with problems etc, I see that as more of a problem, well not a problem exactly, I mean I wish he'd let me be there for him more.

[TAV]

It's actually the opposite to him being a burden on me, as in he doesn't turn to me at all with problems etc, I see that as more of a problem, well not a problem exactly, I mean I wish he'd let me be there for him more.

 

Yes, I agree, he needs to let you in. I told you my boyfriend tried to keep his depression from me, even when I was there recently. It almost split us up when I found out since our friendship and later love affair was based on mutual trust and the ability to open up to each other like we had never been able to do with anyone else. I felt quite cheated and wondered if everything I believed in before was true. I'm still in the process of regaining trust in him and us.

 

As for not wanting help; nobody is jumping for joy when they can't handle their problems on their own and have to seek outside help. It's probably the hardest thing to do re a depression or other mental problems. But usually also quite liberating. I'm sure you have talked to him till you are blue in the face but please try again. If anything, you are worth that if he wants to keep having a future with you.

 

I'm ok, thanks for asking, HOH. My boyfriend is having a tough week with difficult family circumstances and even though we are in constant contact (as much as work allows us) it feels really crap to not be there for him in person, also because he is still working on his mental health under these circumstances. I always find this one of the hardest things of a LDR; when the other person is ill or has problems you cannot give them that arm around their shoulders. My kids being a factor in this of course; I cannot just pick up and leave or take an impromptu holiday from work. Good thing is that we both understand that and are happy to be able to talk at least.

 

We usually see each other every other month but I think for now it is important for him to work on himself. During my last visit all he could think about was the fact that I would be leaving again and he got so stressful he could hardly enjoy our time together (which I only found out later ). I'm dying to be with him again but do not want to cause him stress he does not need right now. '

 

I'm glad you are more looking forward to your own visit. I hope it will be alright and that you get a chance to really talk.

[TAV]

HOH, how are you doing now? The visit is around the corner, right? Still feeling more positive? As for the weather, I think spring is starting early here in NL

 

As for my own situation. My bf seems to be on the mend, also according to his doc. He keeps mentioning seeing each other again but does not specify a date. I do not want to push him since he has to be in the right frame of mind for a visit and he has to be able to cope with the unavoidable goodbye after but it is terribly hard not to. He did mention saving up for something else which made me feel bad since those were plans that obviously did not include me. I think you can gather I'm not the most patient person but I am trying.

 

He assures me every day how much he loves me and that it is me he wants to end up with but like most people here I need a date in the near future on which I'm going to see him again. No matter how many activities I plan on my childfree weekends it still feels as if I should be spending it with him.

 

Ok, rant over. Please let me know how you are doing.

[Els]

How does social security work for your housing? If he moved in with you then you wouldn't be eligible to live in your house anymore? And if you broke up you still couldn't get back on social security? With your job, could you not afford a place of your own in that worst case scenario?

 

I dunno, HoH, the way I see it, there is risk in everything you do; obviously there is also risk in moving in together, but if you stay like this you risk wasting years in emotional turmoil and depression. I think, in most relationships, a time comes when you need to take a small leap of faith, in one way or another. I'm not saying you should quit your job and sail off into the sunset with him, but perhaps letting him move in with you is a risk that you could consider, and that gesture on your part might embolden him to take the risk to move to be with you.

 

The alternative is carrying on as you are for many more years, which doesn't seem like a very good option.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm not working because of health problems, if he moved in with me I would be far worse off financially, I'd have to be dependent on him and I don't want that at all, I don't think he'd even want to move in with me anyway, and not sure it would work us living in this house I shared with my ex, would just be odd, he doesn't like the tiny town I live in anyway not to live in, far too small for him, he's a city person. The last talk we had last year he didn't know if he'll ever move, he can't promise me anything as he doesn't know. He doesn't have the willpower or the confidence he said, or words to that effect. I don't know if he feels strongly enough about us either, he's not said.

We never talked about moving in together, just living closer to each other, not all couples, local or not want to move in together.

When we talk about it he usually gets defensive or breaks up with me, which is crap and he knows it and isn't exactly proud of himself for the way he handles things, ie he can't face up to things and runs away. On the one hand he says sorry, it's him who's ****ed up, not me, and he isn't happy with the way he is, but not sure he's doing anything to change it, whereas I am having weekly therapy to deal with my 'issues'. But he also says of course it's ok for me to talk about it, it's just please know it's frustrating for him not being able to give me an answer or make me happy.

If I gave up my home to live in his country, no I'd have no home to come back to and no hope of getting one in my situation, once you give up social housing you can't get back in again unless you have kids, and even then it's not easy, there would be too much riding on it working out, which is too much pressure on us both, ie we have to work out or else..My house is my only security, but you are allowed to try and swap houses in your own country.

I've mentioned several times that I might try and get a house swap and move near London, I think I could make a life for myself there, which is halfway for both of us, I said a bonus would be that we could see more of each other and he said he's not sure we could, but then said actually yes flying over would be easier/quicker.

If I moved though it wouldn't be soley for the r/ship because he may never move/meet me half way anyway, so I'd have to do it no matter what might happen with me and him.

 

It's too much pressure on both of us to work out if I say I'm moving to London for our sakes, pretty sure he'd talk me out of it.

Anyway, he doesn't say much when I mention London, I just feel at a dead end where I am now, but I'm not sure I can leave my support network/friends behind and give up my little animal sanctuary as that is my life, and I'm not sure it would be possible to do it if I move. I'm thinking a lot about it and what might be possible etc.

I do not think he'd have a problem finding a software engineer job in London, his company even have offices there. He was head hunted into his current job.

He feels safe in his current job, he has social anxiety, same as me, but mine is more severe, but he said the thought of being there for ever depressed him.

 

Part of me thinks how silly of me of course he'll never move, the other part of me thinks with encouragement and support maybe he'll think more about it.

I would have the courage to move to London, it may not sound much, me moving 300 miles away, but it is a big deal for someone with agoraphobia and social phobia, and leaving my support network behind is huge, but not sure he'll ever want to or be able to make changes on his life despite him being depressed about his life. I can see him living in his home city forever even if he stays depressed, least it's the easier, safest option. He's 41 soon and I'll be 48, don't really have years to muck about.

 

I've said before that if he moves and it doesn't work out/he's not happy here then it's not like he's stuck here forever, he can go back, he doesn't have only one job or home option and that's it forever.

There's only any point in talking abut it again if he's any clearer about it than he was last time we talked about it.

The only thing I can say to him really is I'm getting more and more unhappy with the situation and being apart from him 95% of the time.

I'm also starting to not care whether he/we move or not as he's pretty much killed

my enthusiasm, for something which was his idea in the first place.

 

 

 

 

 

How does social security work for your housing? If he moved in with you then you wouldn't be eligible to live in your house anymore? And if you broke up you still couldn't get back on social security? With your job, could you not afford a place of your own in that worst case scenario?

 

I dunno, HoH, the way I see it, there is risk in everything you do; obviously there is also risk in moving in together, but if you stay like this you risk wasting years in emotional turmoil and depression. I think, in most relationships, a time comes when you need to take a small leap of faith, in one way or another. I'm not saying you should quit your job and sail off into the sunset with him, but perhaps letting him move in with you is a risk that you could consider, and that gesture on your part might embolden him to take the risk to move to be with you.

 

The alternative is carrying on as you are for many more years, which doesn't seem like a very good option.

[Els]

Ah, okay.

 

What do you plan to do, in that case? Where do you see yourself in a year, or 5?

[HeavenOrHell]

I won't be able to take it into next year, so if he won't talk about it, still doesn't know what he wants, or can't do it, or doesn't want to move, I'll have to be strong and walk away

As much as I wish I was ok with the situation and could enjoy it for what it is, I no longer am, not enough anyway.

 

 

Ah, okay.

 

What do you plan to do, in that case? Where do you see yourself in a year, or 5?

[Els]

I'm glad you have a plan, HoH. I also agree that that's the best thing you can do for yourself if he is unwilling to revisit the option of moving.

[LittleTiger]

HOH, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this again. I do hope you're able to make some kind of definite decision soon. One that allows you to start moving forward with your life so that you can find some peace and contentment, if not full blown happiness. You have been sad and struggling with your life and your relationship for far too long and the only person who can change that is you. (((((Hugs)))))

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm not working, so it's not to do with that, sorry I didn't see this post before for some reason. I've since explained in the thread, why he/I have difficulties moving.

 

He has no friends, he's a loner.

 

My friends and my little animal sanctuary are my life, and that's not easy to let go of.

 

No he's not cold, I wouldn't have stayed with him so long if he was, couldn't deal with that.

 

I don't want to move to his country, it wouldn't work, hopefully I've explained clearly in my other messages.

 

You're right I can't pretend to be fine with it when I'm not, I can't even push it away by being busy with things here anymore as it's always there niggling away.

 

Thank you for your input

 

 

Don't pretend you're fine with a situation you can't be fine with... At the end of the day, it'll get to you and make you bitter, and low, and frustrated, etc.

 

The rational you has been telling you not to move not to lose your job. Work is important, no doubt. But is it a real priority for your well-being right now? Work will eventually end anyway, how long would you be supposed to be working? 15 years? Less? Then you'd be alone, with no family.

 

So I think either you build a close social network around you or you can move to him and enjoy his net if he has one. You'd feel better just by living with him, feeling loved and not from a distance. Unless he's some cold man, which I hope he's not.

 

For as crazy as it might seem, if I were you, I'd start to announce that I want to move to him and start feeling his reactions to that. He could then:

- welcome the news with enthusiasm

- welcome the news coldly

- start to feel awkward and question the move

- oppose your idea

- start considering he'd better move to you

 

So those would be in short his options. In some cases, you might get more than just one reaction at the same time. Anyway, it's a good way for you to test the ground.

 

You seem to be near bottom level. Apparently, you can only move upward now.

 

Anyway, I know what it feels like. It's been 2.5 years for me, in some difficult situation, more miles on my shoulders, kids. It's been some very tense time since when we met last time, and it's only been a bit more than 10 weeks. There's always someone in a worse position than you are. So try to look at the bright side. Always. Don't let your sad feelings get all over you. When you feel it coming, do something to turn things the other way.

 

Anyway, to sum it up, you have to decide between work and love. You decide what is more important to you. To me money is not as important as love. I know it's not mainstream this day and age, but I don't mind not being mainstream. And wisdom usually sides with non-materialistic views, not the other way round (just to put in some more perspective and rational thinking which seems to be your cup of tea).

 

I hope I didn't make you upset with my words.

[CherryT]

HoH,

 

I've always admired your candidness about your relationship. I know it's not easy being in a long distance relationship and it's definitely not easy when you've made up your mind and know that moving to his Country wouldn't work for you. I feel for you because my family and friends are also my life, but we still decided that for our life, it is better to be where he is.

 

I find that many people may compromise on what they want out of life just to not feel lonely or miss the person they love. I think if you're not certain on making a move, you shouldn't. You hear stories about couples breaking up because they resent each other because one feels that they gave up more than the other. Not just for long distance couples, but couples in general. I believe that in order to close the distance, you have to compromise, but not feel compromised… if that makes sense?

 

There is absolutely no doubt that you and your partner love each other, but at the same time… what's worse? Making a decision to move, knowing in your heart that it's not the right thing to do or to make the decision to move on… not because you don't love one another, but because moving is a sacrifices you can't make.

 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say… but I just want you to know that people may think it's easy to just up and leave. But for some, it's not. And for you to not make that decision based on loneliness and then later on regretting it or being unfulfilled or unhappy, you're being strong enough to say… this is our only option. And if it doesn't happen, we have to make the choice to move on.

 

You are very strong. Stronger then I think you know.

 

 

I'm not working, so it's not to do with that, sorry I didn't see this post before for some reason. I've since explained in the thread, why he/I have difficulties moving.

 

He has no friends, he's a loner.

 

My friends and my little animal sanctuary are my life, and that's not easy to let go of.

 

No he's not cold, I wouldn't have stayed with him so long if he was, couldn't deal with that.

 

I don't want to move to his country, it wouldn't work, hopefully I've explained clearly in my other messages.

 

You're right I can't pretend to be fine with it when I'm not, I can't even push it away by being busy with things here anymore as it's always there niggling away.

 

Thank you for your input

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks Cherry, really appreciate your insight on this xx

 

 

HoH,

 

I've always admired your candidness about your relationship. I know it's not easy being in a long distance relationship and it's definitely not easy when you've made up your mind and know that moving to his Country wouldn't work for you. I feel for you because my family and friends are also my life, but we still decided that for our life, it is better to be where he is.

 

I find that many people may compromise on what they want out of life just to not feel lonely or miss the person they love. I think if you're not certain on making a move, you shouldn't. You hear stories about couples breaking up because they resent each other because one feels that they gave up more than the other. Not just for long distance couples, but couples in general. I believe that in order to close the distance, you have to compromise, but not feel compromised… if that makes sense?

 

There is absolutely no doubt that you and your partner love each other, but at the same time… what's worse? Making a decision to move, knowing in your heart that it's not the right thing to do or to make the decision to move on… not because you don't love one another, but because moving is a sacrifices you can't make.

 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say… but I just want you to know that people may think it's easy to just up and leave. But for some, it's not. And for you to not make that decision based on loneliness and then later on regretting it or being unfulfilled or unhappy, you're being strong enough to say… this is our only option. And if it doesn't happen, we have to make the choice to move on.

 

You are very strong. Stronger then I think you know.

[HeavenOrHell]

See him in a week, for a couple of weeks, looking forward to it, but anxious too, don't want to have to break up, but also not sure what else we can do.