Was I a doormat?

[Grumbles]

I was recently dumped and am trying to figure out what I did wrong. I know we both screwed up cuz it takes 2 to tango, but I can only change myself.

 

The story's pretty simple. My job was stressing me out big time. I'm a distribution manager at a pretty profitable place, and I'm responsible for scheduling and supervising a staff of 150, and am held accountable for their performance in the warehouse. We're open from 6am-11pm, and things were only getting busier. Upper management decided to cut some corners against my advice and some inventory went "missing". $150,000 of it to be exact.

 

For nearly two and a half months I tried to track down and reconcile these losses. Management was bullying me about it, saying it was due to my insubordination and inability to lead a team. I was given a significant pay cut and threatened with termination. I was pulled into various offices and belittled frequently. I was reassigned to a position with drastically different responsibilities that I had little experience in, and told I had to excel or I'd be fired.

 

Every time I tried to stand up for myself, I'd get browbeaten into the ground. I finally just accepted the punishment they gave me every day while looking for a new job. Job hunting was something I tried to avoid for awhile because I find it to be soul-sucking and depressing.

 

My new position often required me to change my schedule on the fly, working early, late, overnight or weekends at the drop of a hat because things had changed. I was working 10-12 hour days and spent all my free time job hunting.

 

I know I was a doormat at work, but I think it leaked into my relationship. My girlfriend and I had been together for 9 wonderful months at this point and she was already talking about living together. I know that the beginning of a relationship is super exciting and easy so it doesn't mean much, but we seemed to get along really well and have a great connection.

 

But work made me very grumpy. I'd complain about my bad days, I'd get upset when I'd have a job interview and then get turned down. I didn't have a negative outlook on life or anything...I just started losing confidence and was pretty gloomy.

 

I upset her a few times by accident. Nothing huge, so I didn't want to fight about it, but I'm wondering if I was just a total doormat.

 

The first time, she'd lent me her favorite book. I had it for a little over a month and hadn't started it yet. When she asked about it, I apologized and admitted that I just hadn't had time because I'd been too tired from work. She became upset and said she was taking it back because she wanted to read it again. I knew that cuz I hadn't even started yet, I'd hurt her feelings and she was putting her foot down. I wasn't going to fight her on it, so I just apologized and accepted her decision quietly.

 

The second time, I irritated her by making a silly joke. I'm a really skinny guy by nature, but every so often, I'd make a joke about "getting fat". She'd usually laugh, and would either roll her eyes or would claim she was too. I thought it was just a joke we could share cuz she was also slim, but I caught her on a really bad day and it hit a nerve. She snapped at me, "If you really think you're getting fat, you should be working out more often!". I considered being snarky and telling her it was just a joke, but instead I just put my hands in the air and laughed weakly. I backed down saying "Whoa. Okay. I mean, you're right. I've been slacking off lately because I've been tired from work, but you're right, I should be."

 

The third time, I showed her something related to drawing which is a big passion of hers. It was an optical set up used to project images onto paper without a separate light source. I thought it was really cool because I'm a science nerd, and I was really enthusiastic about it. She became very cross. Not with me, but at the device. She claimed it was cheating and became very defensive about it. Since I'd really wanted her to see it because it bridged our two interests, I was pretty wounded by her rejection. I just turned away from her and quietly said "I didn't think it was cheating" in a hurt tone. I realized the next day that I'd been completely unassertive about my own opinion and brought it up in conversation. This time, I wasn't meek but I wasn't pushy. I just stood up for my opinion and gently told her "Well, I can see why you might think it's like tracing and is cheating, but I don't really see it that way."

 

Throughout this time of stress, I started always asking her if she had any preferences when we'd go out to eat together. If she bounced it back to me, I'd always have 2-3 options that I could go for, but let her make the final choice. I was really looking for her to give ME options to narrow down my choice, but that's just cuz I liked getting her input.

 

The last big thing was a trip. She was going on a big 2 week trip with friends and I was supposed to go too. The friend that organized it lost track of how many people he had invited and, since I was the only person not from that circle of friends going, he told my girlfriend that I couldn't go. She had to break the news to me and seemed unhappy about it as well. Again, because I was being rejected, I was hurt and it showed through in my tone of voice. I didn't intend to beg, but just came up with an alternative solution that would still let me go, but it turned out to be too expensive. At the time, I genuinely didn't think that she was making excuses...I thought she was just the messenger and I wasn't going to shoot her over the news. Once again, I meekly accepted her decision and then, thinking I was being solution-minded and assertive, perked up and offered to watch her pets while she was away.

 

While she was away on her trip, a lot changed. My work schedule settled down and a change in leadership made my life a lot easier. I began settling down, and was even able to tease and flirt through texts with her a bit. I always used to have pretend arguments with her about silly things, and was getting back into that. But I started getting the feeling something was off.

 

She broke up with me a few days after getting back from her trip. She didn't seem to know why she wasn't in love with me anymore, she just wasn't. She called herself crazy. She said that she was always happy to hear from me, but felt like she didn't miss me enough when she was gone. She said I was amazing and that the relationship was great, but it felt like we were slowing down and that she just wasn't feeling it in her heart anymore. She said I didn't do anything wrong and that she had absolutely no idea why her feelings changed...they just did.

 

She never treated me badly or pushed. She never left me hanging or ignored me, and never tried to take advantage of me from what I could see. I stood up for some decisions I made during this time that she didn't like (staying at my job when I hated it because I didn't want to be unemployed for one). I did accommodate for her more than normal during this time because I wanted to keep her happy while I was buried under a sea of ****, but I didn't think I ever did it at my own expense.

 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I totally rolled over for her and lost her respect. I guess it doesn't matter much for her since she's gone, but I don't want blame myself for something if I wasn't actually wrong about...but at the same time, if I have to correct something about myself, I want to.

[Strength in Healing]

You sound like a good guy, brother.

 

Sometimes, it just isn't so simple.

 

She may have met someone else, as hard as that is. That's what I've learned... usually people only breakup with someone when they have another lined up.

 

I think you deserve better, based on your reactions to her.

[jphcbpa]

she seems, from what you are saying, to be a bit moody.

 

don't beat yourself up, learn from this as much as you can and start to heal up.

 

did she meet someone else while on the trip?

[Grumbles]

I'm trying to learn what I can. That's why I was worried about being a doormat.

 

She's usually really upbeat and positive. Her moods didn't last long, but she had them. I think she covered them up with cheerfulness, but I figured we all had moods.

 

As far as I know, she didn't meet anyone on the trip. She was making a lot of new friends in her town, going out with them to drink at least once or twice a week, and only did that on days where she and I couldn't see each other.

 

After planning, scheduling and making decisions for 150 people all week, I wanted a break from being in charge. When I was with her, I just wanted to relax and have fun. I didn't want to have to choose where to eat or what to do on my own. I wanted to be able to ask for her input, talk it over, and figure it out. I wanted to have a team effort to enjoy our time together. I kinda made her take charge of the momentum of the relationship because I stopped initiating dates. I guess I figured she'd complain if she thought I was being too weak or standoffish.

[reddragon588]

I don't think you're a doormat. Your situation is common. My breakup came shortly after I returned from a trip as well. If there is any doubt in a dumpers mind, time apart will either dispel it completely, or completely confirm it. Unfortunately it confirmed her doubts. I'm sorry bro, I've been there too.

 

If you're worried about being a doormat, work to stick to NC and move on. You'd be a doormat if you let her take advantage of you by not sticking to NC. You're stronger than that though. Focus on working hard at work and home, and you'll get through this.

[what_a_blonde]

I'm trying to learn what I can. That's why I was worried about being a doormat.

 

She's usually really upbeat and positive. Her moods didn't last long, but she had them. I think she covered them up with cheerfulness, but I figured we all had moods.

 

As far as I know, she didn't meet anyone on the trip. She was making a lot of new friends in her town, going out with them to drink at least once or twice a week, and only did that on days where she and I couldn't see each other.

 

After planning, scheduling and making decisions for 150 people all week, I wanted a break from being in charge. When I was with her, I just wanted to relax and have fun. I didn't want to have to choose where to eat or what to do on my own. I wanted to be able to ask for her input, talk it over, and figure it out. I wanted to have a team effort to enjoy our time together. I kinda made her take charge of the momentum of the relationship because I stopped initiating dates. I guess I figured she'd complain if she thought I was being too weak or standoffish.

 

Based on what you write here (and your initial post) I don't see that you had doormat written on you at all. You sound like a decent guy and like the relationship was going well... but things took their course and didn't work out unfortunately.

 

Also, what you mention above (what I've bolded), it sounds like you two may have even had a compatibility issue. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be able to relax and not be "in charge" when you come home, and not have to make so many decisions.

 

However for that to work in a relationship, there has to be a mutual understanding and the right personalities working together. Meaning....since you have such a demanding job and sound like you may always be in a higher up position where you're calling the shots, maybe you need a woman who doesn't mind calling all the shots at home and planning everything. (TRUST ME.. there are plenty of women out there who would LOVE a man like that.)

 

The flip side of that, is you DO have to pitch in occassionally... so she doesn't feel like she's the only one giving any effort or running the show.

 

Anyway, I don't see anything here you could have improved on. If anything, just having a serious talk with her in advance, acknowledging your moodiness and frustrations due to work and apologizing ahead of time, also thanking her for her support while you deal with this may have helped. Other than that, just sounds like this wasn't meant to be and she may or may not have met someone else.

 

Glad things turned around for you at work and its starting to look better. This is all a new chapter in your life, so time to embrace and move forward, knowing you did what you could and the reason she ended it probably had nothing to do with you being a "pushover".

[Grumbles]

I don't think you're a doormat. Your situation is common. My breakup came shortly after I returned from a trip as well. If there is any doubt in a dumpers mind, time apart will either dispel it completely, or completely confirm it. Unfortunately it confirmed her doubts. I'm sorry bro, I've been there too.

 

If you're worried about being a doormat, work to stick to NC and move on. You'd be a doormat if you let her take advantage of you by not sticking to NC. You're stronger than that though. Focus on working hard at work and home, and you'll get through this.

 

That makes sense.

 

It wasn't the first time we'd been apart though. She travels a lot for work, and we'd been apart for a week 6 months ago, and another week 3 months after that. This time was only different because we were both stressed out and weren't seeing each other as much leading up to the trip. I used to go see her 2-3 times a week, but because of work stuff, we were only seeing once a week for a month or two.

 

I'll commit to NC. She seemed really upset at the breakup, which only confused me more. I've never been dumped by someone who was crying hysterically before. It was pretty weird and I felt bad for her. That kept the pain from the breakup from hitting me at first, was wanting to help her but knowing it wasn't my responsibility anymore. I'll have to watch myself carefully.

 

Based on what you write here (and your initial post) I don't see that you had doormat written on you at all. You sound like a decent guy and like the relationship was going well... but things took their course and didn't work out unfortunately.

 

Also, what you mention above (what I've bolded), it sounds like you two may have even had a compatibility issue. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be able to relax and not be "in charge" when you come home, and not have to make so many decisions.

 

However for that to work in a relationship, there has to be a mutual understanding and the right personalities working together. Meaning....since you have such a demanding job and sound like you may always be in a higher up position where you're calling the shots, maybe you need a woman who doesn't mind calling all the shots at home and planning everything. (TRUST ME.. there are plenty of women out there who would LOVE a man like that.)

 

The flip side of that, is you DO have to pitch in occassionally... so she doesn't feel like she's the only one giving any effort or running the show.

 

Anyway, I don't see anything here you could have improved on. If anything, just having a serious talk with her in advance, acknowledging your moodiness and frustrations due to work and apologizing ahead of time, also thanking her for her support while you deal with this may have helped. Other than that, just sounds like this wasn't meant to be and she may or may not have met someone else.

 

Glad things turned around for you at work and its starting to look better. This is all a new chapter in your life, so time to embrace and move forward, knowing you did what you could and the reason she ended it probably had nothing to do with you being a "pushover".

 

We might've had a compatibility issue, but I also feel like maybe I wasn't pitching in enough at the end. We also didn't have an understanding because we weren't communicating about it. We both knew how stressed out the other one was and gave each other a lot of breathing room. She was more adventurous and I was more laid-back, so we seemed to balance each other out well, but that doesn't matter if you don't TALK.

 

Maybe we just grew apart in that time. I know that relationships take work because you have to maintain those feelings...they don't just HAPPEN.

 

Thank you also. I'll keep moving forward. I would've liked this to work out, but I'll take it as a lesson learned about communicating about the dynamics of the relationship instead of just letting things take their course.

[Grumbles]

So far so good. Still NC, but there haven't been any attempts at contact from her either so it's been easy.

 

I guess my concerns were on both ends of the spectrum.

 

She worked long days from home, and would get antsy and would want to go out and have fun, exciting times. I worked long, stressful days at my job and would want to just come home and rest. Days off were different, but they didn't always overlap.

 

I was concerned I'd been a doormat, but I was also concerned that I'd let us stop "dating". In the last month or month and a half, we were just hanging out. There wasn't an ounce of romance to it. I was just too stressed out to think of romance or passion, but I was always happy to be around her.

 

Every other time a relationship has ended for me, there's been some sort of complaint or problem I could trace it back to. But when she dumped me, she seemed confused about why she was doing it. She said everything was awesome, but it had slowed down, and that she just wasn't feeling it anymore.

 

I guess I was trying to figure out why she fell out of love when even she said that I did nothing wrong. I never thought it happened for no reason.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude. But, there was someone else in the picture. It would explain a lot. The way you wrote seems to tell me that she would go off the handle on you for any little thing. I mean, come on! Going off on you for finding something that combines art and science together and sharing it with her. It's not like YOU created the damn thing. You thought it was neat and you wanted to share it with her. And...she goes off on you.

 

 

That leads me to believe that there was someone else. She had to justify it in her head that what she was doing was okay because you got her mad all the time. Convincing herself that you two didn't have anything in common. It's harder to cheat on someone if you're not mad at them.

 

 

I suspect that you COULD have gone on that trip. That the numbers did work, but she decided that she didn't want you going and came up with that bullsh*t excuse. Maybe she discovered that the guy she's been seeing on the side was going and she wanted to spend that time with him.

 

 

That's not too far fetched. You can go through this site and find thread after thread of guys and girls coming back from a trip or studying abroad and, within days of returning, breaking up with us. And I can guarantee you that the majority of those thread involved the third party.

 

 

And if you looked into it right now, dollars to donuts you'll discover that she's already dating. Gee! I wonder who that could be!

 

 

Time to move on with your life. Block her on Facebook, ignore all texts and phonecalls. She knows she did you wrong and sooner or later, she'll reach out to see how you are. But, it's not to see how you are, it's to see how much you hate her for breaking your heart. Ignore her. Give her nothing. She made the choice to have you out of her life; therefore, you give her exactly that.

[Grumbles]

Sorry dude. But, there was someone else in the picture. It would explain a lot. The way you wrote seems to tell me that she would go off the handle on you for any little thing. I mean, come on! Going off on you for finding something that combines art and science together and sharing it with her. It's not like YOU created the damn thing. You thought it was neat and you wanted to share it with her. And...she goes off on you.

 

 

That leads me to believe that there was someone else. She had to justify it in her head that what she was doing was okay because you got her mad all the time. Convincing herself that you two didn't have anything in common. It's harder to cheat on someone if you're not mad at them.

 

 

I suspect that you COULD have gone on that trip. That the numbers did work, but she decided that she didn't want you going and came up with that bullsh*t excuse. Maybe she discovered that the guy she's been seeing on the side was going and she wanted to spend that time with him.

 

 

That's not too far fetched. You can go through this site and find thread after thread of guys and girls coming back from a trip or studying abroad and, within days of returning, breaking up with us. And I can guarantee you that the majority of those thread involved the third party.

 

 

And if you looked into it right now, dollars to donuts you'll discover that she's already dating. Gee! I wonder who that could be!

 

 

Time to move on with your life. Block her on Facebook, ignore all texts and phonecalls. She knows she did you wrong and sooner or later, she'll reach out to see how you are. But, it's not to see how you are, it's to see how much you hate her for breaking your heart. Ignore her. Give her nothing. She made the choice to have you out of her life; therefore, you give her exactly that.

 

You might be right.

 

I think I did her a bit of disservice. I mean, that was only 3 events of her getting mad at me over 2 months. She didn't flip out that often, but I did apologize and cower away when she did. She had plenty of opportunities to flip out at me when I'd put my foot down (gently) and insist on not visiting her when she was behind on her work. We lived over an hour apart, so we didn't really see each other unless one of us could spend the night.

 

She was probably more bored of me than anything else. I wasn't visiting her enough or making any fun plans, and I was just too stressed out and tired to be any fun.

 

As for the trip, I know that they didn't rent the van (which is how they would have had room for me), and chose to drive a tiny 4 door, filled with 4 people and 2 weeks worth of luggage. I know the people she went with, and she's not interested in any of them. That doesn't mean that she hadn't met someone else, somewhere else, and just wanted time away from me.

 

What's weird is that she half-invited me on another trip just a few days after pulling this one away. She asked if I'd like to go to California with her, then did a quick 180 in the conversation and said that she wasn't sure about the hotel accommodations but would let me know.

 

She kept trying to get me to visit her up even the week before she left for it though. It was a lot of mixed signals.

 

I guess I thought that she would have blamed me for the breakup if I did piss her off or bore her so much...especially if there was someone else. Instead she just cried a lot and said she wasn't feeling it anymore.

 

We had intense chemistry at the beginning of the relationship. She could barely keep her hands off me and wanted to see and talk to me all the time. I overindulged a bit at the beginning, but when I was stressed out and not calling/texting/visiting as often...I just thought things were "settling down". I didn't think things could be intense forever.

 

I spoke to her once after the BU, just a few days after, and things were very confusing and emotional. I plan on being NC from now on.

[Grumbles]

As least I can write here as an outlet.

 

It still boggles me that my relationship fell apart so quickly. Just two months before she dumped me, she was talking about how she couldn't wait until we lived together.

 

I know love and attraction can fade if you let it, I just never thought it could go so fast. I just wasn't myself for two months and that was that.

 

I was never insecure about her or the relationship either. I did my thing and I let her do hers. Work irritated me and sucked away my self-esteem and energy (I was completely insecure about getting a new job), so I wasn't always happy and attractive...and I definitely had trouble being assertive with her because I was just so beaten down.

 

I just thought the relationship was settling down. Isn't that supposed to happen? Doesn't the excitement of the beginning fade after awhile and things just become normal?

 

I think I was just too moody and exhausted from work for her liking. I'm not very physically affectionate when I'm stressed, so hugging and cuddling were more rare. I became too timid, especially when she was in a bad mood. I was just too weak for awhile, but it was only two months!

 

It hurts because I was spun about in circles. She told me that she loved me a lot, but just didn't feel it. She told me that I'd done nothing wrong and that she must be crazy for not feeling it because everything had been so perfect. Her best friend contacted me and told me that I just needed to cut some of the negativity out of my life. She spoke to my best friend and his take away was that I needed to stop pulling the "perfect guy" act and giving her everything because I was coming off as "too perfect".

 

"Too perfect" is just too close to "too nice" for my taste. I really wish that wasn't a thing that could get you dumped.

[Never Again]

Something I've learned:

 

If a girl/woman has problems, don't offer a solution. At least not right away.

 

As a dude, it's how we show we care. We immediately jump to a solution, sometimes without hearing the full problem, because we want to make it better.

 

This doesn't apply in all cases, but it's a pretty common difference between the sexes.

 

But here's what happens:

 

The girl becomes resentful because the guy isn't REALLY listening or being emotionally supportive. She's going to feel brushed off or unimportant.

 

Also, just keep in mind that there are many, many, MANY people out there that are not looking for love, closeness and intimacy. They're not looking for companionship or warmth. They're looking for passion, attraction and a relationship that stays HOT HOT HOT.

[Grumbles]

I think I've reached the conclusion that I was dumped for being a timid wimp.

 

I'm not one usually. I'm definitely not "macho", but I am not clingy, needy, jealous or controlling.

 

But the stress at work turned me into one. You know that tone of voice and presence people have when they're happily half asleep? Eyes half-mast, tone of voice is weak and they're all smiles and sweetness but no "oomph"? That was me every single day.

 

I just sort of floated about. I was happy to put her needs ahead of my wants. I figured it'd be different if I was compromising my needs.

 

Blah.

 

It just still sucks to know I was dumped for turning weak and unattractive. I mean, what other explanation is there? She was completely and utterly in love with me, and then two months later...she wasn't.

 

I was either too negative or "too perfect". I think the answer is in the middle. I was both. I was surrounded my sh*t and hated my life, so I treated her with kid gloves. I overcompensated and was too timid and kind instead of just being myself, and she wasn't into that.

 

You'd think that she'd notice my behavior changing like that and would speak up. Instead, she let me take care of her pets for two weeks before dumping me :-/

[Chi townD]

Dude, there's nothing wrong with being a "nice guy" actually more and more women are giving up on these guys with the bad boy image and looking for the "nice guys". Women, today are working and don't have time to play the stupid game of trying to "change" someone. So, don't apologize for being a "nice guy".

 

 

Your biggest problem is that you put her on the pedestal. The problem with putting a girl on a pedestal is they end up looking down at you. You put her on a pedestal just to keep the peace and see if that made her happy. All it did was show her that she could walk all over you.

 

 

When you enter a relationship, you want her to be your equal, not on a pedestal but by your side. walking hand in hand. Your partner. Remember that the next time you enter another relationship. All relationships are an equal give and take situation, if you find you're giving more than receiving, then there's a problem.

 

 

So, until you're ready to date again. Start making positive changes in your life. Go shop and get a new wardrobe. And then get a new hairstyle. You want people to notice and say, " Damn dude! Looking sharp!" This will help your self esteem.

 

 

Then, get a new hobby. Find something you like and do it. Travel! GO see the world! The point is KEEP BUSY!!! Always on the move.

[Grumbles]

Your biggest problem is that you put her on the pedestal. The problem with putting a girl on a pedestal is they end up looking down at you. You put her on a pedestal just to keep the peace and see if that made her happy. All it did was show her that she could walk all over you.

 

You might be right.

 

That's why I was afraid that I'd been a doormat.

 

I guess I didn't realize or see that I was putting her on a pedestal.

 

I thought I was treating her with respect and as an equal - I was too tired to fight sometimes and you're right, I was trying to keep the peace and keep her happy. I was trying to keep my stress away from her and I guess I overcompensated.