Strength in Healing Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 (edited) I had a tumultuous four year relationship. She was borderline PD and bipolar. She told me she loved me after 3 weeks. We got engaged after a few months, even though I never felt like doing it (I never told anyone this, including her). She would accuse me of cheating constantly, due to her past relationships, even though I wasn't even TALKING to another girl. She would constantly argue, find things to argue about.. every little thing. It was like walking on egg shells. She had a good side though, just buried under all the rest. I felt I loved that side. Ultimately, after 4 years, she broke up with me to "talk" with someone quite shady that we had just recently met while out. She didn't tell me this though when she broke up with me... So it killed me at first, until I found out that we broke up so she could talk with that old creep. She had been lying saying she was trying to fix herself, up until I found that out. The pain of the separation vanished. It's been about a week of NC, and I haven't felt much yet, except maybe in the morning after dreams. I look back, and wonder, did I ever love her? She treated me so bad, and in turn, caused me to treat her bad back. I found her attractive physically, and am now curious if I ever even loved her, or if it was just infatuation. I'm leaning towards infatuation. It explains why I am not overcame with pain and grief like most people here -- likely because I was treated badly throughout the relationship. This isn't my first breakup. I have been broken up with her for about a month now. On my last breakup, with a girl named Chrissy, it was hell from the SECOND we broke up, and I cried daily. This time.. it's nothing like that. *NOTE* When I say I don't feel much, I mean in comparison to past breakups. Like with Chrissy. I KNEW I loved her, and it killed me to lose her in a way I can't even describe. Hellish. This, though, isn't like that.. Edited February 21, 2014 by Strength in Healing
Never Again Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 In the beginning, yes. Weeeeeeell, no. No, there isn't a fine line. Not really. Infatuation is just often mistaken for love at the beginning. I mean, that's what "falling in love" is, right? It's just the head-over-heels, chemical attraction that gets you close to someone. That's the "honeymoon high". It's supposed to end anywhere between 6 months to 2 years (most often ends towards the 1 year mark from my observations). The problem is, this sort of infatuation and passion is SUPER addictive. Serial monogamists exist for a reason - heck that's why people give up on relationships so easily nowadays in my opinion...when things get bumpy or boring, why work at it when it just feels so damned GOOD to find a new one? Anyways, back to the point: There's a really neat article on the Huffington post about this here. Basically, it say that many people fall into the following trap: Love equals passionPassion equals uncertaintyUncertainty equals dramaDrama equals possibility of lossPossibility of loss equals love It's why people are drawn to relationships that are toxic and turbulent, but can get bored in ones that become stable and reliable. It's also why so much dating advice is to try and get the other person to "chase" you by acting unavailable and aloof - it's not to show independence and strength, but to prolong that initial chemistry by making people fear our departure. Love is getting to know someone and the stability and reliability they bring. Attraction comes into play, but it's not the center piece. Excitement and passion come and go, but boredom is an element that exists to be intentionally accepted or combated. Most likely, you grew to love this girl in a way...but it wasn't stable or healthy. Instead, your infatuation/passion/attraction for this girl from the beginning was constantly reignited by the drama and the fear of losing the relationship. Now, people hold onto that stuff for awhile, but it sounds like her behavior sent you straight into the anger stage of grieving...which is good. Just beware, it may not last. That's my opinion anyway. 2
Author Strength in Healing Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 In the beginning, yes. Weeeeeeell, no. No, there isn't a fine line. Not really. Infatuation is just often mistaken for love at the beginning. I mean, that's what "falling in love" is, right? It's just the head-over-heels, chemical attraction that gets you close to someone. That's the "honeymoon high". It's supposed to end anywhere between 6 months to 2 years (most often ends towards the 1 year mark from my observations). The problem is, this sort of infatuation and passion is SUPER addictive. Serial monogamists exist for a reason - heck that's why people give up on relationships so easily nowadays in my opinion...when things get bumpy or boring, why work at it when it just feels so damned GOOD to find a new one? Anyways, back to the point: There's a really neat article on the Huffington post about this here. Basically, it say that many people fall into the following trap: Love equals passionPassion equals uncertaintyUncertainty equals dramaDrama equals possibility of lossPossibility of loss equals love It's why people are drawn to relationships that are toxic and turbulent, but can get bored in ones that become stable and reliable. It's also why so much dating advice is to try and get the other person to "chase" you by acting unavailable and aloof - it's not to show independence and strength, but to prolong that initial chemistry by making people fear our departure. Love is getting to know someone and the stability and reliability they bring. Attraction comes into play, but it's not the center piece. Excitement and passion come and go, but boredom is an element that exists to be intentionally accepted or combated. Most likely, you grew to love this girl in a way...but it wasn't stable or healthy. Instead, your infatuation/passion/attraction for this girl from the beginning was constantly reignited by the drama and the fear of losing the relationship. Now, people hold onto that stuff for awhile, but it sounds like her behavior sent you straight into the anger stage of grieving...which is good. Just beware, it may not last. That's my opinion anyway. Very accurate advice. Thank you. I am angry but I'm also not. I don't feel a lot, which is weird cuz I felt a lot in my last two relationships. Perhaps I realized long long ago she was beyond saving and I distanced myself.
Never Again Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Very accurate advice. Thank you. I am angry but I'm also not. I don't feel a lot, which is weird cuz I felt a lot in my last two relationships. Perhaps I realized long long ago she was beyond saving and I distanced myself. It could be. I've also found that sometimes, the more relationships you go through that cause REAL heartbreak, the better you are at dealing with it.
Author Strength in Healing Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Is that how it was with you brother? What's your story
Never Again Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Is that how it was with you brother? What's your story Oh, my story is long and complicated. I've had several relationships, some of them several years long, and one of them VERY toxic, and didn't really feel much when they ended. My last relationship was the first one that hurt when it ended. Short version is that I had some awful emotional baggage that all hit me at once and drove me into a depression. I stopped putting as much effort into the relationship because I was barely making it through the day. I tried to pretend to be cheerful, but my unhappiness and lack of confidence seeped through from time to time. The relationship was naturally slowing down and the infatuation was ending. We loved each other, but that "in love" passion, lust and attraction was gone. She just didn't feel that intangible PULL to me anymore. She said she was always happy to see me and talk to me, but didn't feel "IT" anymore. I'm 30 years old, and I'd never felt that kind of pain before. My depression probably didn't help. I talked to WAY too many people about it and pined for her for WAY too long. I'm better now, but I still miss her.
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