He left when things got tough, why do I want him back so bad?

February 21, 2014

First, thank you for reading my post and I apologize if the story is too long.

I'm leaving to another country in a few days. I really need some advice because I'm lost and don't know what to do anymore. Both my ex and I were having some serious problems in our personal lives. Here is a summary of it:

Me: I moved to a new country for a job, I met my ex and life was perfect. The company I was working for went bankrupt, and I lost my job. Since I didn't have a job, my visa was going to expire in 90 days and I will have to leave the country (unless I find a new job within 90 days). I was stressed and freaking out, but I was looking for a job like all over because I didn't want to leave my ex.

Him: he hates his job, he wasn't appreciated there, and his company wasn't doing very well. The company made an announcement that they were going to lay off 60% of the workers within 2 months (I know now that he wasn't affected by the layouts). He has been looking for a job for months but couldn't find any. His self-esteem was greatly affected and he just got angrier and depressed as he got more job rejections.

Both of us were in terrible positions professionally, and there was the potential of me having to leave the country until I find a new job. But I was mostly trying to help him with his job situation, introducing him to people who can help, etc (instead of focusing on my own problems!!). By early January, he decided to breakup with me (after taking a one week break). He said he feels worthless and depressed, and that he needs to focus on improving his skills and scoring some interviews. He said that he just wants to be alone and not be around people. That he doesn't have the focus or the energy for a relationship, and that it has nothing to do with me. He said I was the best girlfriend he's ever had, and that was the hardest decision he had to make. We were both crying when he left me, and I felt that my whole world was falling apart. Losing job, friends, love of my life, having to leave the country... all happened at the same time

I went NC for one week right after, but then I broke it because it was his birthday and I didn't want him to spend it alone. We talked and had a great time; I told him that I can be his friend and support him through his hardship. We were texting regularly afterwards, but one week after that I talked to him on the phone and told him that I can't be friends with him, that I thought his behavior was very selfish, and that he didn't take my feelings in consideration. We had a big fight and he was upset and got very defensive. I called later and apologized. We spoke a few times after that (I was he one initiating contact all the time). But then I decided to do NC, and I've been doing it for 3 weeks. And he hasn't reached out to me at all during this period, and everything went downhill again.

I finally asked him to meet me for coffee yesterday to say goodbye in person. He agreed to meet me, but he was distant and quiet the entire time. I asked if everything was okay, and he said that he's just exhausted because of work. I have solved some of my career problems and I will be out of the country for a few months. He said he was happy for me, and that I should let him know if I'm ever back in the same city. I also told him that I missed him a lot and that I sometimes think of our times together, he didn't say anything, he just stared at me! I am not sure what's happening with him, I really love this guy and I want him back. I haven't heard from him since yesterday, so I looked at his social media. He was flirting with other women and commenting on how hot they are that broke my heart to a million pieces.

I do not want to lose this man . What should I do? why is he behaving in a distant and cold way? I haven't stopped crying since yesterday. I don't know what to do anymore Even though he said the breakup was all about his needs, I can't help but think that he run away because I was facing serious problems and just couldn't handle the stress. He left me when I needed him the most. So why do I miss him so badly? why do I want him back so much? why do I still think about him all the time? I know I can't trust him, that he's not strong enough to handle real problems. So why am I clinging to false hope? and how can someone be so loving and promise you forever and then just leave you hanging when things get tough? I know that I need someone who would sticks by me through tough times. And I don't understand why I just can't let go!!! People keep telling me to move on as if I had a switch that I can turn off whenever I want!!!!

PS: we're both in our late twenties, we've been in a happy relationship for 1.5 years, he broke up with me up early January.

February 21, 2014

You want back the feeling of dopamine and oxytocin that your brain delivered while in a relationship with him. You're in withdrawal.

When people break up, I've learned, it's usually for someone else.

Keep marching forward, go straight no contact, and trust me, you DON'T want him back.

Edited February 21, 2014 by Strength in Healing

February 21, 2014

You want back the dopamine and oxytocin feeling your brain delivered while in a relationship with him. You're in withdrawal.

When people break up, I've learned, it's usually for someone else.

Keep marching forward, go straight no contact, and trust me, you DON'T want him back.

It's been 2 months and I am not feeling okay at all. It usually takes about 30 days to get rid of all the oxytocin feelings.

I am sure he didn't break up with me to be with someone else. Although right now, I can see that he started flirting and talking to new women. I am doing No Contact again, but it's just not helping me at all. I feel like I'm loosing myself, I think of him 24/7. I tried dating, going out with friends, keeping myself busy, etc. Nothing helped!!

February 21, 2014

I feel ya.

It's best not to keep tabs on him, that's what is stopping you from healing to a degree...

Everyone around me offers little advice beyond "we all go through it."

It didn't seem like much help in the moment, but it's comforting to realize that I am not the first to feel this way, and won't be the last. You alone are proof of that.

That's where my name comes from. We will grow stronger, and smarter.

Keep facing the light at the end of the tunnel.

And ERASE everything, every trace of him, in every way from your life.

February 21, 2014

It's been 2 months and I am not feeling okay at all. It usually takes about 30 days to get rid of all the oxytocin feelings.
.... I am doing No Contact again, but it's just not helping me at all. .....I tried dating, going out with friends, keeping myself busy, etc. Nothing helped!!

Unsurprising....

It's best not to keep tabs on him, that's what is stopping you from healing to a degree...

^^^THIS^^^

It HASN'T been 2 months.

Every time you have contact with him, it takes you back to square one. if you saw him only yesterday, then as far as your emotional state is concerned, THAT'S when you 'broke up'.

Keep ripping the stitches off, and you're going to keep having a gaping, open, bleeding wound.

No Contact means exactly that.

None. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Zero, niente, finished, period, done.

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature/Link.

Sounds as if you need a refresher course, hun.

February 21, 2014

No Contact means exactly that.

None. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Zero, niente, finished, period, done.

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature/Link.

Sounds as if you need a refresher course, hun.

You are right. I just started all over again, and I'm blocking him on social media, etc. The problem is that I still want him back, and I am still holding on to the hope that we'll be together one day. I know he's acting like cold jerk now, and wants nothing to do with me. But this man used to be the sweetest and nicest guy I've ever met. He was really the best boyfriend I have ever had in my entire 30 years of existence. My heart can't let go, but my brain and ego are telling me to move on because he just doesn't want to be with me. It's pure torture :-(

Why was it so easy for him to move on? why is it so easy for him to just stop all contact? why was he so cold and distant when he met me? why do I want to be with someone who doesn't love me back? What the hell is wrong with me? :-(

February 21, 2014

Nothing is wrong with you.

Sounds like he simply met someone else. And yes, I understand that hurts, but you have to remind yourself, THAT'S who he really is. A guy who is willing to ditch you for someone else.

Do you REALLY want that back? Or do you want back the illusion that he was that sweet guy you thought he was?

How tangible is an illusion, is it worth fighting to keep?

February 21, 2014

Sounds like he simply met someone else.

Like I mentioned before, he didn't leave me for anybody else, and he's still single right now. Yes, he is flirting on social media, but I know that there is nothing serious going on. We broke up because we were both facing probelms in our jobs, and I had to leave the country!

February 21, 2014

You are asking how you can fix things but you are leaving the country?

I'm confused...

February 21, 2014

You are asking how you can fix things but you are leaving the country?

I'm confused...

I know how confusing this sounds. I am confused as well... I plan on returning in a few months (6-9 months). So I still want to save the relationship.

I am really not thinking straight. I am still in love with this guy and I want him back so bad. But my brain is telling me to let go and move on. Ever had that conflict between reason and feelings? it's the worst pain!!

February 21, 2014

This is going to be hard for you to take, right now, but you have to listen to 'Reason'.

Feelings invariably lead you up a blind alley, with a dead end, and they cosh you over the cranium and leave you sick and dizzy....

If you have a really good friend, ask him/her to help you through this tough time by 'guiding' you into using your head, not your heart, to make important decisions.

If you can't think of a specific person - come back here, and post all you like.

vent and 'yell' all you want.

we'll help you.

Butcha gotta help yosself, too, hun....

February 21, 2014

If you have a really good friend, ask him/her to help you through this tough time by 'guiding' you into using your head, not your heart, to make important decisions.

My friends got really tired of listening to the same "broken record" and they are surprised that I haven't move on. I have even lost a few friends who got tired of being around a depressed drama queen (I am glad this happened. It's during these tough times that you know who your real friends are).

I just finished reading the No Contact guide you wrote. It's truly amazing. I thought I was doing No Contact, but I was constantly cyber stalking him. It's about time to stop and move on with my life. I really do hope he'll come back some day though. Finding a true connection with someone is very rare and it doesn't happen so many times in a person's lifetime.

He was smart enough to leave the relationship to focus on building himself, I should do the same. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. I am starting NC from this point forward. It's going to be very hard, but I hope it will get better in time.

Edited February 22, 2014 by 4everalones

February 25, 2014

I moved to another country for a job, I met a great guy, and I was in a very happy and healthy relationship that lasted over a year. I unfortunately lost my job and have to leave the country because my visa will expire.

At first, my boyfriend was supportive, he told me that we'll move away together and find new jobs, he told me I was the one for him and he'll wait for me if he has to, etc. Then, he started to face some troubles at his job and things went downhills. Eventually, he broke up with me and told me that he needs to be alone to work on his problems, and that he can't focus on a relationship right now.

Although he denied that it has anything to do with me moving away, I can't help but think there is a very strong connection there. Is this guy a coward? did he run away when things got tough? or is this a normal reaction and I'm overreacting? I don't know what to think anymore.

Any honest and objective opinion would be appreciated. I really love this man and don't know what to do anymore

Edited February 25, 2014 by 4everalones

February 25, 2014

This is my opinion. Him promising all that and then going back on his word, tells me that he did not think about all aspects that could happen. He was only thinking the "happy good times" in life. In a relationship you have to be able to weather all storms, face the good and bad. Now I'm not saying he is not strong or a coward, but to run away when everything is falling apart is a sign.

Think about if you did move together and you two face another challenge together, what is going to do?

What a person says is nothing, what they do is everything.

"Believe half of what you hear and all of what THEY do"

February 25, 2014

In my opinion he is a coward because he run away when things got tough, my ex did the exact same thing, she left me when I needed her the most.

February 25, 2014

In my opinion he is a coward because he run away when things got tough, my ex did the exact same thing, she left me when I needed her the most.

Similar to me as well.

When I was really having a hard time with where to go next in life with career, faith, wanting kids, my ex whom I had been with for 5 years jumped ship for a mutual friend.

It sucks when people say this to me, but I think they are right: At least she and I weren't married and didn't have kids.

And if they leave you when it gets tough, imagine how bad it would be years later if you were still together and something happens (which in life, it probably will at some point) where it gets tougher?

It hurt to hear this, but when I first came on here, a few people asked me the rhetorical question "why would you want to fight for someone who won't fight for you?" That really opened my eyes.

February 25, 2014

I put this on another thread, but here's the story I've seen all over these boards:

- The dumpee is goes through a rough time, and their behavior changes as they struggle with it.

-The dumper avoids talking about how they don't find the new behavior attractive because they want to avoid conflict.

- The dumper effectively becomes a doormat for the dumpee's emotional turmoil and begins to become bored, lonely and resentful.

- The dumpee continues along their negative path because their behavior is being enabled.

- The dumper's negative feelings continue to grow, slowly overshadowing any love/attraction they may have once felt.

- The dumper begins to wonder if they'd be better off leaving the relationship, and instead of communicating their discontents, they allow that seed of doubt to grow.

- The dumper leaves. The dumpee feels completely blindsided because they were in too much of a personal rut to see the signs.

- The breakup communicates very clearly to the dumpee that something was wrong (something the dumper should've been doing the whole time), and they genuinely want to make the necessary changes.

- The dumper was already emotionally checked out, so this all comes off as needy/desperate and "too little, too late".

- The dumpee, who was already in an emotionally fragile place, hits rock bottom briefly, but (if they work at it) begin to make changes in themselves anyway.

February 25, 2014

Like I mentioned before, he didn't leave me for anybody else, and he's still single right now. Yes, he is flirting on social media, but I know that there is nothing serious going on. We broke up because we were both facing probelms in our jobs, and I had to leave the country!

So he left you so he could have options. Nice.

February 25, 2014

I am sure he didn't break up with me to be with someone else. Although right now, I can see that he started flirting and talking to new women. I am doing No Contact again, but it's just not helping me at all. I feel like I'm loosing myself, I think of him 24/7. I tried dating, going out with friends, keeping myself busy, etc. Nothing helped!!

I hate to be a wet blanket but I tend to agree with Strength in Healing that there usually ends up being someone else. My ex gave me basically the same breakup reasons as yours gave you...that he was depressed, needed to be alone to straighten out his messed up life, couldn't be in a relationship anymore, it wasn't about me, blah blah blah. I believed him at first but 3 months later he was officially in a relationship with a new girl. My point is that I know you still love him but trust me when I say that you don't want to be with a person who can't handle pressure and bails when times get tough. Struggle is supposed to bring a couple closer, not the opposite.

February 25, 2014

I put this on another thread, but here's the story I've seen all over these boards:

- The dumpee is goes through a rough time, and their behavior changes as they struggle with it.

-The dumper avoids talking about how they don't find the new behavior attractive because they want to avoid conflict.

- The dumper effectively becomes a doormat for the dumpee's emotional turmoil and begins to become bored, lonely and resentful.

- The dumpee continues along their negative path because their behavior is being enabled.

- The dumper's negative feelings continue to grow, slowly overshadowing any love/attraction they may have once felt.

- The dumper begins to wonder if they'd be better off leaving the relationship, and instead of communicating their discontents, they allow that seed of doubt to grow.

- The dumper leaves. The dumpee feels completely blindsided because they were in too much of a personal rut to see the signs.

- The breakup communicates very clearly to the dumpee that something was wrong (something the dumper should've been doing the whole time), and they genuinely want to make the necessary changes.

- The dumper was already emotionally checked out, so this all comes off as needy/desperate and "too little, too late".

- The dumpee, who was already in an emotionally fragile place, hits rock bottom briefly, but (if they work at it) begin to make changes in themselves anyway.

I have chills reading this.

This describes EXACTLY what happened with my ex. She was not very confrontational at all. I think when she still wanted to be with me, she was afraid to say anything because she didn't want me to get angry or disappointed with her or something. One little twist is that part of her leaving was because there was an available guy right in front of her.

For example, she once or twice told me that her uncle was asking where I was at family parties of hers. It wasn't until she broke up with me and I found out through the grapevine that she was disappointed with me not hanging out with her family enough, that she told me about what her uncle said because SHE also was wondering. So many little hints I started to put together after the breakup. If she would have taken me by the hand and said to me "It would mean a lot to me if you would come to more of my family gatherings," not only would it have been a problem, I would have been HAPPY to do it. What person who loves someone wouldn't be happy to have a clear idea of how to be good to their partner?

I guess one thing I can take into the next RS is to take hints. I don't however want to overanalyze every word and be anxious. After the BU, my ex said she didn't want to talk to me because I would read into what she said too much. And I thought, "Sh**, wasn't that the problem when we were together, that I took everything you said at face value and DIDN'T read into it?" I guess I am digressing a bit, but I feel sort of damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Maybe this isn't PC, but I think that not being clear about what you want is more of a problem for women. I think it has a lot to do with social conditioning, but I still think it is true.

I guess I feel like I wasn't given a fair shake to be good to her. But on the other hand, I could have asked more and tried harder to find out what she wanted.

Maybe I am rationalizing or something, but if after 5 years she didn't feel comfortable telling me what was important to her, whether because she was too scared to or because she was afraid I wouldn't care, then maybe it's best to be out of that.

February 25, 2014

I have chills reading this.

This describes EXACTLY what happened with my ex. She was not very confrontational at all. I think when she still wanted to be with me, she was afraid to say anything because she didn't want me to get angry or disappointed with her or something.

Well, I wrote it because I lived it with my most recent breakup.

The problem is, these dumpers often want the dumpees to be happy and don't want to mention "trivial" problems. Dumpees are likely just as bad.

We all want to smooth over problems so much that we don't talk about them in relationships, and they cause loads of issues.

February 25, 2014

Christ OP I'm going through the same thing. I was laid off at the end of the summer and was definitely not myself. I'm still unemployed. Rock bottom. Almost 5 years down the drain. I don't believe there was/is someone else however. That information is useless at this point. The main point is that they left us when we were down. Pfenixphire I'm surprised I haven't stumbled upon that post before but its textbook. ****ing textbook. My ex went on vacation for a month to visit a friend (who moved away because her and her bf broke up a year ago. coincidence?) and I guess these "thoughts" were just brewing. Sure enough when she gets back from vacation she leaves me. BU was almost 6 weeks ago and I have been NC for 2 weeks.

...So many little hints I started to put together after the breakup. If she would have taken me by the hand and said to me "It would mean a lot to me if you would come to more of my family gatherings," not only would it have been a problem, I would have been HAPPY to do it. What person who loves someone wouldn't be happy to have a clear idea of how to be good to their partner?...

I agree 100%. When she broke up with me she brought up all these things that she thought I wasn't interested in doing etc. but that wasn't the case. It's easy to see all of this now from a different perspective and some time has passed.

...I guess one thing I can take into the next RS is to take hints. I don't however want to overanalyze every word and be anxious. After the BU, my ex said she didn't want to talk to me because I would read into what she said too much. And I thought, "Sh**, wasn't that the problem when we were together, that I took everything you said at face value and DIDN'T read into it?" I guess I am digressing a bit, but I feel sort of damned if I do, damned if I don't...

Communication was unfortunately our downfall too. Its not even ready the "hints" but rather being open about your needs. My ex didn't even want to give me a second chance. It was brutal. Especially after 5 years!

...Maybe this isn't PC, but I think that not being clear about what you want is more of a problem for women. I think it has a lot to do with social conditioning, but I still think it is true...

I dunno about this one. I think the playing field is level and really comes back to communication. Ideally I'd hope that my partner would be open about their needs and that I would be open about mine. I can honestly say that this was not the case. I'll admit that I had thoughts but I had difficulty verbalizing them for whatever reason.

...I guess I feel like I wasn't given a fair shake to be good to her. But on the other hand, I could have asked more and tried harder to find out what she wanted...

Again, no one is at fault for this. Our behaviours in this situation were compromised by whatever external factors were pressing on us at the time. The way we dealt with it was just how we thought was best at that time. I will also admit that this was my first serious relationship and that we were naive and immature.

...Maybe I am rationalizing or something, but if after 5 years she didn't feel comfortable telling me what was important to her, whether because she was too scared to or because she was afraid I wouldn't care, then maybe it's best to be out of that...

Again I agree 100%. This was a test for our relationship and we failed. Things are pretty rough for me at the moment but I think it was for the best. I know that I can only go up from here. I still love her and miss her like crazy but I don't want to be with someone who isn't going to support me and just up and leaves when things get rough.

Keep your head up. Everything is going to be okay! We are better for this!

February 25, 2014

I still love her and miss her like crazy but I don't want to be with someone who isn't going to support me and just up and leaves when things get rough.

That's so true. I still love my ex and miss him like crazy. But if he ever comes back, I don't think I'll be able to be in a relationship with him again, I don't think I can trust him again. It's at these tough times that you know who really matters in your life. Any if someone doesn't stick around when things get tough, then, they sure as hell don't deserve to be with you when life treats you well again.

Still, breakups are tough, and I still carry so much love for my ex. I just have no respect for him!

February 25, 2014

- The dumper effectively becomes a doormat for the dumpee's emotional turmoil and begins to become bored, lonely and resentful.

This is interesting and partially true. But aren't people who truly love you supposed to stick with you for better or worse? aren't they supposed to support you when you're in your lowest point? Aren't they supposed to help you get through tough times?

My ex started facing problems in his job long before I had any problems. I did the right thing, I stuck around, I supported him, I helped him look for another job, I helped him experiment with new passions since he didn't know what he wanted to do (he's in 30 yo). I was there, every single day. He was depressed and angry, but that didn't drive me away because I knew it was temporary, and I loved and accepted him.

A few weeks down the road, so many terrible things happened in my life at the same time: I lost my job, my work visa, one of my best friends, got rejected from grad school, got in fights with my boss at work, etc. Everything in my life went downhills at the same time. I was shocked, I was not myself, I was crying a lot, but I tried so hard to make the relationship work. I expected him to do the same for me, to be there for me, to support me. He did at the beginning (for like 2 weeks). But then he broke up with me because he "needs to focus on his own problems"!

Your post is very true. Dumpers leave because they can't handle the problems in the relationship anymore. But if these problems are inflicted by external sources (i.e. disease, losing job, etc), I say the breakup is not the right thing to do. It's a cowardly move. But then, maybe I'm just bitter and overreacting (main reason I posted here). I don't know. It just doesn't sound right!!!

February 25, 2014

I agree 100%. When she broke up with me she brought up all these things that she thought I wasn't interested in doing etc. but that wasn't the case. It's easy to see all of this now from a different perspective and some time has passed.

I think this is pretty common. Disappointment and hurt can destroy attraction and affection if they're not confronted...but so many people just choose not to.

This is interesting and partially true. But aren't people who truly love you supposed to stick with you for better or worse? aren't they supposed to support you when you're in your lowest point? Aren't they supposed to help you get through tough times?

I learned long ago that most people don't deal with temporarily lulls well. Relationships are incredibly conditional, and people only want to stick with it as long as they feel that magnetic "pull". As soon as the romantic connection begins to fade, very few are willing to put the effort in to fix it.

In other words, many people expect relationships to always feel "in love" without any work at all. It's a very hands-off approach to relationships where they put in effort when it's easy and they "feel it", but pull away as soon as it becomes difficult.

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