Weallwalkthelongroad Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 "what if I did this differently"! I find myself asking this question repeatedly. Regret is a terrible thing to live with.
Author KevinC Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Still havent contacted her, still wondering what the best course of action is. Thanks for you guyses opinions, seeing both sides is helping me make the best possible decision.
4everalones Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I find myself asking this question repeatedly. Regret is a terrible thing to live with. Yeah! it was actually preventing me from moving on. So I broke no contact after 3 weeks and met with him. I got all hopes crushed and now I'm ready to pick up the pieces and move on. I am still holding on to some hope, but I have a fewer regrets. I know now that I did all I can to save the relationship. It's up to him now!
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Yeah! it was actually preventing me from moving on. So I broke no contact after 3 weeks and met with him. I got all hopes crushed and now I'm ready to pick up the pieces and move on. I am still holding on to some hope, but I have a fewer regrets. I know now that I did all I can to save the relationship. It's up to him now! Same here. I did everything I could to save the relationship. It took me a month and a half of her ignoring my requests to see her and talk more to finally see it. She kept giving me the "I just need to be alone" line right now. I finally realized that "I just need to be alone" meant that she wanted to see everyone except me. When I finally got tired of being strung along by her "not wanting to hurt me", I asked her straight out if we should just go our separate ways. Her response was, "I don't understand what you are asking. I told you the last time we talked that I needed to be alone right now. So what do you mean by going off in our separate ways?" Seems like a pretty straight forward question but I think she wanted to keep stringing me along while she wanted to be alone. Hey, I tried all I could do but leaving the decision in her hands was gut wrenching.
4everalones Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I finally realized that "I just need to be alone" meant that she wanted to see everyone except me. OMG, same happened to me. He said he just wants to be alone and deal with his personal problems, but i keep seeing him going out with friends, talking to new women on social media, etc (back when I used to stalk). Then, I realized he want space form ME, he wants to be away from ME. Everyone said that he's just trying to fill the void from the relationship by chasing these new women. But why would you want to fill in a void if you can have a relationship? why would you want to let go of something good? Why would you push away the one person who care about you the most? People are strange. I just started the NC again and it's painful and pure torture. I still hope he'll regret his decision some day. But my biggest hope is to just move on and let go of of this pain. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is the cruelest thing in the world. If there is a god out there, he must have a very twisted sense of humor!
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I'm on day 9 of NC and its been tough but I keep telling myself its for the best. She manipulated me for a month and a half by this whole "I need to be alone" thing. She only wanted to see me when it was convenient for her and then unloaded on me last week when she said the blame was squarely on my shoulders. Really pissed me off because she really made me feel like I was the sole reason for her pulling away. A month before she was sending me up to 30 texts/night while she was out with her friends and showing up at my place at 2 AM. So frustrating.
Author KevinC Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Well guys broke NC, turns out she just wanted to know if she could use me as a referrence for a job interview tomorrow...there you have it back to square one, lesson learned.
4everalones Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Well guys broke NC, turns out she just wanted to know if she could use me as a referrence for a job interview tomorrow...there you have it back to square one, lesson learned. It's okay. It happened to me. You didn't beg, cry, or anything like that. It's my personal belief that we should always remain civil, and hopefully, this set back will help you move on faster (it will make the hope diminish). Good luck.
Lifegoezon Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Don't beat yourself up Kevin. It's a trap we are all vulnerable to falling into. Now you know. It's quite simple people. If they want us back they won't take any chances. They'll make it plain. Assume that's really not happening and move on. Kevin good luck back on day one.
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Well guys broke NC, turns out she just wanted to know if she could use me as a referrence for a job interview tomorrow...there you have it back to square one, lesson learned. Yup. She was just yankin' on the leash to see if you were still there. And you were... Ego boost for her. So, now you know. Move on from here completely NC! I am at 1 year and I can tell you, I was feeling exactly like you early on. Everything you have written about here is exactly how I felt. But I mustered the strength to stay NC and it has been a life saver. You simply have to realize that you fell for the wrong woman, as did I. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't beat yourself over it. This type of thing has happened to many, many people. You are DEFINITELY not alone!!!! I can tell you that the mental part is the hardest. The 'what if's', the 'if only's', the confusion, the frustration and the self blame. It can quickly spiral if you let it. I recommend reading some books on self-esteem, boundaries and co-dependence. I can offer you some titles if you want to PM me... Just know that you will make it through this. But you must cut her from your life like a cancer, because that's what she is now. I'm finally moving from the small town we moved to together almost three years ago. I can't wait as I have been living in fear for the last year and avoiding anywhere I might run into her. So, I know how you feel. I'm a little older than you and I know what you mean when you say you feel like a kid after this event. This kind of thing strips all of your self-confidence and self-esteem. I feel like everything I thought I ever knew about women and relationships has been shattered and now I'm back to a clean slate with no knowledge or experience. It's amazing how a heartbreak can destroy so much in your life. Sounds like you were co-dependent on her, as was I with my ex. Now is the time to do some self-analysis and work through whatever issues you might have. Sorry for the rant, but I see a lot of myself in your post so I felt the need to reach out a bit. Good luck and try your best to stay positive. Negativity will quickly spiral and make this harder than it needs to be. 1
Author KevinC Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) Yup. She was just yankin' on the leash to see if you were still there. And you were... Ego boost for her. So, now you know. Move on from here completely NC! I am at 1 year and I can tell you, I was feeling exactly like you early on. Everything you have written about here is exactly how I felt. But I mustered the strength to stay NC and it has been a life saver. You simply have to realize that you fell for the wrong woman, as did I. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't beat yourself over it. This type of thing has happened to many, many people. You are DEFINITELY not alone!!!! I can tell you that the mental part is the hardest. The 'what if's', the 'if only's', the confusion, the frustration and the self blame. It can quickly spiral if you let it. I recommend reading some books on self-esteem, boundaries and co-dependence. I can offer you some titles if you want to PM me... Just know that you will make it through this. But you must cut her from your life like a cancer, because that's what she is now. I'm finally moving from the small town we moved to together almost three years ago. I can't wait as I have been living in fear for the last year and avoiding anywhere I might run into her. So, I know how you feel. I'm a little older than you and I know what you mean when you say you feel like a kid after this event. This kind of thing strips all of your self-confidence and self-esteem. I feel like everything I thought I ever knew about women and relationships has been shattered and now I'm back to a clean slate with no knowledge or experience. It's amazing how a heartbreak can destroy so much in your life. Sounds like you were co-dependent on her, as was I with my ex. Now is the time to do some self-analysis and work through whatever issues you might have. Sorry for the rant, but I see a lot of myself in your post so I felt the need to reach out a bit. Good luck and try your best to stay positive. Negativity will quickly spiral and make this harder than it needs to be. Wow...your post...well...i just...it got to me. Maybe im just hypersensitive right now but it touched me. I am glad to see your doing better and moving on. It gives me hope. Just had an emotional 2 hour long talk with my friend and we have touched on almost all the points you have laid out here. You are right, i have fallen for the wrong woman and have been unable to admit it to myself so far...no more! Co-dependant? Didnt really know exactly what that meant even tho i am realizing now that i have been doing it for a while...no more! Self-analysis, just did a buttload tonight and your post helped to get the ball rolling, i intend to see it through and come out of this a better and wiser man for myself first. Thanks for you post and advice, it helped me to hear your story and to know there is someone out there that understands. I know it will be a long hard road but i believe tonight was a turning point in my life and have found new motivation to heal and better myself. Id love to have the names of those titles but i think as a new member i am unable to pm? If its possible you can pm them to me that would be great, if not and you are comfortable you can just leave them here and i will surely look into them. Good luck to you as well, hope your move to a new town be therapeutic. All the best Edited February 24, 2014 by KevinC
ithappenedagain Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Hey Kevin - I am glad that you are feeling a little better. Like everyone else has said, don't worry and don't kick yourself over breaking NC.. It happens to the best of them. I've done it, others have done it, etc etc.. Just gotta learn from it. Aren't you glad that you found this site? It has helped me tremendously over the last month and half. I know you probably loved your ex with all of your heart. Letting go is the hardest part of the process Just know that we are all here for you, ok?
Author KevinC Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Indeed i am gratefull to have found this site, i had no ideal something like this was out there. This community has been nothing but kind to me and i look forward to returning the favor if and when i can. I am working hard on letting go and taking conscience of my own issues. Im greatly thankfull for yours and all others who have supported me in these difficult times. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 - Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (Helps identify how and when self-esteem issues may have developed) - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie (Heard some of her other books are great as well) - Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem by Marilyn Sorensen - In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant I bought all of these on eBay for about $5 or $10... Of course, there are millions of books out there. Just go to Barnes & Noble and check out the self-help section 2
lvroflife Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Mntbiker. I went on my kindle and read the intro to "In the meantime" by Vanzant. OMG I am hooked. Just bought. And it is one of those you cant put it down books!! 1
JunkYardDog Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 We all understand kevin, its messed up bro. I wish you the best in finding the strength and determination to get through this, as with everyone else here. RE; books...Another great book that I am reading is 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. It has some amazing mind practices that everyone needs to know, especially in this time of pain and confusion. Oh and BTW if you have a kindle/ipad you can get lots of ebooks for free from your local county library, just install OverDrive Media Console Hope this helps.... 1
Skyspinner Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Kevin, I'm so sorry that things have worked out the way they have. I'm really feeling for you and your heartbreak. When she read your letter about wanting to commit to her and she said it was too late, does this mean that she doesn't believe you and she thinks that you're only saying what she wants to hear so you can get her back? I mean with her previously saying that you two had "the best relationship she ever had", and that you "made her happy like no other had ever done", and was "the best bf", I'd have thought all these wonderful things in the relationship would have been too valuable and rare to throw away; and from the letter she would have seen your sincerity, felt relieved that you could see things from her point of view and welcomed you back. In finishing with you it now means she's got to start all over again and take the risk she'll have put up with someone not as good as you. I mean I don't know. Do you think there might be some other reason that she's not saying? I'm just curious how she can be so adamant that it's "too late".
Skyspinner Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I'm a little older than you and I know what you mean when you say you feel like a kid after this event. This kind of thing strips all of your self-confidence and self-esteem. I feel like everything I thought I ever knew about women and relationships has been shattered and now I'm back to a clean slate with no knowledge or experience. It's amazing how a heartbreak can destroy so much in your life. Oh, Man, talk about true words of insight! That's exactly how it is. With a breakup and the heartbreak that comes from it, it just takes your mind into places and pain you never knew existed, and you can feel your identity and certainty about so many things just falling away. That's what's so scary - this new bleak landscape of self-doubt and low self-esteem you suddenly find yourself in, which you would never have predicted before when you were in the relationship. 1
Author KevinC Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 We all understand kevin, its messed up bro. I wish you the best in finding the strength and determination to get through this, as with everyone else here. RE; books...Another great book that I am reading is 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. It has some amazing mind practices that everyone needs to know, especially in this time of pain and confusion. Oh and BTW if you have a kindle/ipad you can get lots of ebooks for free from your local county library, just install OverDrive Media Console Hope this helps.... Thanks Junk and Mtn for the titles, i visited my local library yesterday and check-out a couple books along those lines. Since i am in Quebec they do not carry english books so i will check them out on ibooks. Will overdrive work here in canada Junk?
Author KevinC Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Kevin, I'm so sorry that things have worked out the way they have. I'm really feeling for you and your heartbreak. When she read your letter about wanting to commit to her and she said it was too late, does this mean that she doesn't believe you and she thinks that you're only saying what she wants to hear so you can get her back? I mean with her previously saying that you two had "the best relationship she ever had", and that you "made her happy like no other had ever done", and was "the best bf", I'd have thought all these wonderful things in the relationship would have been too valuable and rare to throw away; and from the letter she would have seen your sincerity, felt relieved that you could see things from her point of view and welcomed you back. In finishing with you it now means she's got to start all over again and take the risk she'll have put up with someone not as good as you. I mean I don't know. Do you think there might be some other reason that she's not saying? I'm just curious how she can be so adamant that it's "too late". I have wondered that as well Sky, i mean who knows right, i do however tend to believe her. She has said that she is adamant that i wont be able to give her what she wants(mariage,baby) and that if i did it would just be because she is pressuring me. Maybe it has somethin to do with her culture(mexican) her family and friends i get a feeling there are very traditional. We are definetly different her and i but i enjoyed our differences, thought they were something to celebrate not break up over. When she read the letter she was already convinced she had made the right decision so there was no going back. I was the best bf i could be to her, i thought i was doing all the right things, ireally loved her and it showed. Maybe i was too good, you know some girls like it when theres fighting and stuff, maybe she just fell out of love with me, maybe she met somebody else i dont know. I do think however she doesnt know exactly what she had in me, one day when she has sorted out her issues she will realize it and perhaps it will be me who says "too late". 1
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Someone wrote that maybe you should take a trip. You said it wasn't financial possible right now. Dude, you can go on a three or four day trip cheap as hell. You're in Quebec, but said it was a small town. So, I'm guessing it's not Montreal. But, you can hop a train there and get to New York City for about 75 dollars each way (speculating, didn't look into it). You get to New York and stay at hostels there. Some even have private rooms. I looked and I didn't see any hostels that were more than $50 a night. The average was about $25 to $35 buck a night. You stay 3 nights and your STILL WELL under a hundred dollars. Plus, most of the hostels include either breakfast or dinner. SO, you save some on meals. Then, you just have to have some spending money and you're set. You can have a 3 or 4 day adventure in New York City for about $350 dollars. EASY! So, no more excuses. And if you don't want to go to New York, then go to Boston. 2
LifeGoesOnMan Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 dude, I feels man. ive been there, but I can tell you what you are going through will pass. trust me. it will, in reality, all it is, is a chemical imbalance in your brain, like chi-town said. the first few weeks are the worst, but no contact will ease that pain gradually. its the only way, each day gets easy but you have to stick to it. time heals all wounds...but you cant keep picking at them! you seriously cant look at her facebook either, block her, do it, youll thank me later, only pain you shall find there. do your best to avoid her, don't talk to her, text her. I know it sounds impossible, but its not. dude I worked with my ex, we were together 6.5 years, lived & worked together for 5 years, I saw her everyday at work throughout our break up muscled through 40 days of nc, kept smiling and then contacted me, apologizing for everything, wanting to work things out. if its meant to be , it will be, but like I said in another one of my threads, you have to disappear, and re-appear as happy as ever. they must believe they have lost you, and they need to miss you.. dearly, if you have any chance at all.
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Curiosity got the best of me and I had to look at train prices. Amtrak has got a deal going on for weekend getaways from Montreal to New York for $89 dollars ROUNDTRIP! That's awesome and you would be an idiot not to consider it! 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Thanks Junk and Mtn for the titles, i visited my local library yesterday and check-out a couple books along those lines. Since i am in Quebec they do not carry english books so i will check them out on ibooks. Will overdrive work here in canada Junk? Shoot me an e-mail at my screen name @gmail and I can get you a copy of 'The Power of Now' on MP3. Much easier to listen to rather than read. It's kinda deep and abstract, but some good message and can be of help. I think the other titles I listed above are a bit more 'here and now' type stuff and might offer more immediate answers and understanding. But PON is good and worth a listen
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 So, no more excuses. And if you don't want to go to New York, then go to Boston. Washington DC is AWESOME as well. I stayed in a hostile there back in 09. I could afford a hotel, but just wanted try a hostile. It was fun and what a great city. Sooooo much to see and do on the cheap!!!
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