First post...struggling

February 21, 2014

Hi everyone

I found this site a week ago and have been reading you touching stories everyday since. It has helped me immensly so thank you for that. I have learned terms here that i had never heard before like NC and breadcrums etc. I thought i would share my story as well if for no other reason than to get it off my chest and maybe get some helpfull tips from you guys who are going though the ringer as i am. Hell maybe it might even help somebody out somewhere that would be great as you stories have helped me knowing that i am not alone.

I am a 34 year old man although i feel more like a child these days. I met my ex on a dating site around 9 or 10 months ago. It started good we took things very slow and grew to love each other over the months. We had our first fight about 5 moths in, she was jealous of my female friend wich i have been friends with for 9 years, she is in fact my only real friend an confident. We manage to work thing out i promised that i woudnt see her alone and i kept that promise and she promised not to be so aggressive about her and we got past it.

We grew even more in love everything was going great then she started talking about mariage and having a baby. I think that scared me as i thought it was early in our relationship for that but i loved her so much. I never thought i would ever get married but for the first time i met a woman that made me think about it but i didnt tell her i was thinking about it for the future. Anyway she kept dropping suttle hints every now and then until 1 month ago where she abruptly broke up with me over facebook.

She said that she loved and we had the best relationship she ever had in her life, i made her happy like no other had ever done etc etc, but that she didnt think i could give her what she wanted in the future. She said i was the best bf but she wanted a husband a baby a house the works. I was devastated and in shock. She was so sure that i woudnt want to commit that she felt she needed to break it off sooner rather than later to protect herself. Maybe that was my fault for not making her feel like i would(commit). Truth is i was commited to her she just seems in such a hurry like she said ''her biologocal clock is tickin''.

So we kept in contact for 3 weeks, talking, texting often almost as if we were still together. I even fixed some stuff for her at her app and we had supper. I thought we could be friends...i was wrong. Then Valentin's day came along, and we made plans to go to the movies(i know i know bad ideal). I started thinking it was like a date, i was in for a shock because she sure didnt. She sent me a text that day saying that she didnt want to go because she didnt want to hurt me more so we didnt go. I ended up going to her place to give her a letter i had written(another mistake i know this now). She read the letter it was the usuall i guess, '' i love you, i can give you what you what, i want to fight for us'', the whole shebang. It was too late she said, we cried, hugged and left with my tail between my legs, a broken man. I have had my heartbroken before but nothing like this.

The next day i found these forums read about no contact and applied it immediatly. Its been a week now of NC and i am struggling to maintain it. I have deleted our conversation, her pics on my phone but it all seem futile. I still think and cry about her constantly. I cant bring my self to delete her from facebook and keep sneeking peeks at it for any info i can get. I know this not good for me but somehow i cant find the strengh to break the last tie. Help!!!. She has left one breadcrum a couple days ago in the form of a simple ''goodnight xxx'' on facebook to wich i have not replied only god knows how.

I am a very emotional and sensitive guy and this has hit me very very hard. I have had to take leave from work and seek help wich i have done, i have even started going to the gym per my friends advice. I still struggle to get thru my day wondering when it will get easier if ever.

Anyway i am sure i have forgotten some thing but this is a long enough post as is.

Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing you stories, i have been reading them and hope you all the best.

Edited February 21, 2014 by KevinC

February 21, 2014

Well, you're doing all the right things. Except not blocking her on Facebook.

You are like a dopehead, a junkie, a speed freak and an alcoholic. You are going through withdrawl symptoms just like they would. Can't sleep, constantly thinking of the "drug" you're trying to let go of. Can't eat, can't sleep. Just like someone that is trying to get sober.

Continue to work out, it does help. Start making positive changes is your life. Get out and stay busy! CONSTANTLY BUSY!!!! If you're busy, then you won't have too much time on your hands to think about her.

Some folks come on here and say, "I do stay busy. But, when I have a little free time, my thoughts always drift back to her." Okay, so she invades 30 minutes of your day verses ALL DAY LONG if you weren't keeping busy.

So, how to maintain NC. You have to follow the same treatment plan as a junkie trying to get clean. Just one day at a time. Just get through today without contacting her or responding to any breadcrumbs. The urges might be bad today, but tomorrow, they might be easier to handle. Just get through today.

February 21, 2014

Hi Kevin. Sorry to hear about your immense pain. You have done all you can do to salvage this relationship. You penned it all down in a letter, so if anything the ball is now in her court.

I suggest you do remove her from facebook and stop snooping on her profile because that will prevent you from healing.

You got to now start telling yourself that this is over, keep up the no contact.

Only ever respond to her if she says she wants to make it work, nothing else. She has to say she's made a mistake or that she wants you back. Ignore all small talk from her.

Keep going to the gym, and socialising. It will get easier with time and no contact.

Good luck and stay strong.

February 22, 2014

Thanks chi and fixing i sure as hell am trying hard. Had my first meeting with a social worker earlier today, she basiclay told the same as you and that its normal to feel this way and that i dont need further counseling. Nothing left but to do it i guess. Many times i have tried to block her from facebook, staring and the confirm button as we speak, as you said fixing i feel if i do it it will mean it is really over. I know it already is but apart of me still wants to believe it isnt, kinda silly really. Find myself wondering what she will think when she notices that i have blocked her, worried it will prompt her to ask questions and further test my resolve to NC. Is it best to unfriend or block ?? Not that familiar with facebook mechanics!

February 22, 2014

Block is the thing to do. She will completely disappear from Facebook, you won't even be able to find her (unless you unblock her, obviously).

February 22, 2014

Alright ive blocked her, sad so very sad...We live in a small town and i am dreading the day that i will run into her, i have already crossed her driving in the street, she didnt see but my heart dropped at the sight of her car, i dont know how i will react if i find myself face to face with her witch will probably happen sooner rather that later...ugh

Edited February 22, 2014 by KevinC

February 22, 2014

Do you know her daily routine? So you can avoid seeing her...

I mean the times she may drive by?

Also if you can take a trip!! That helped me a little, got to focus on somehting different!!

February 22, 2014

Well as she isnt working at the moment she really doesnt have a routine to speak of but i have been avoiding her usual hangouts, thats about the best i can do. A trip is a great ideal but not viable financially right now. Its something i had not thought about doing tho so thanks for the insight.

February 22, 2014

Take a mental trip post pictures on a wall in your room and go in there and take yourself away!!!

February 22, 2014

Well done. Her Facebook had to go. The drug analogy is a good one. You think you can't live without that little window open for your fix. It hurts to close it, like you're choosing to hurt yourself by closing it and who wants to do that right? Actually you're choosing to hurt yourself by leaving it open.

I also like the scab analogy. Your wound is real and fresh and the scab forming comes with some discomfort. You pick at it thinking that will alleviate the uncomfortable itching but it just makes it bleed again and hurts like before. Leave it alone though and one day you'll notice the scab has gone and you just have a scar to remind you of the wound and what it taught you. NC is like that - it doesn't work overnight but the daily invisible increments of improvement add up to a whole heap of healing after a few days, then weeks, then months. Then you look back and think 'How the hell did I think that little scratch was going to kill me?'

I'm 6 weeks post BU, 4 weeks NC (with an inadvertant relapse a week ago - which I survived.) I still think about him (why I'm on here) but not all the time and it doesn't disable me. I've learned that when he pops into my head I CAN CHOOSE to dwell on thoughts my memory is happy to supply. Or I can think of something else. Quite literally change the channel. I fill my time with things I didn't do while we were together - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Tend to your wound - the medication it needs is total NC, keeping busy, doing things for you, making a choice not to pick the scab.

Good luck.

February 22, 2014

Thanks Lifegoezon, i caught myself doing this today(changing the channel) i still think about her every minute but recently started talking to myself about it, havent been snooping either tho its hard and i think about doing it. Its a constant deliberate effort on my part and its exhausting. I just hope after all this work if she ever decides she wants to try again that i can be strong and not fold like a cheap suit.

February 22, 2014

Thanks Lifegoezon, i caught myself doing this today(changing the channel) i still think about her every minute but recently started talking to myself about it, havent been snooping either tho its hard and i think about doing it. Its a constant deliberate effort on my part and its exhausting. I just hope after all this work if she ever decides she wants to try again that i can be strong and not fold like a cheap suit.

Stick with it. That deliberate effort is changing your neural pathways and soon it will happen without so much effort. But it's a slow process so don't have unrealistic expectations. Try to imagine you'll never see or speak to her again. If you believe that you won't have to worry about folding. The glimmer of hope you cling to will be your undoing.

February 22, 2014

I saw her again today at wal-mart, i hid like a little girl. Almost felt like i was gonna throw-up. Had to leave without buying my stuff. She was so close almost could have touched her. She didnt see me and i left. Now im a wreck. Dammit so hard. :_(

February 23, 2014

I saw her again today at wal-mart, i hid like a little girl. Almost felt like i was gonna throw-up. Had to leave without buying my stuff. She was so close almost could have touched her. She didnt see me and i left. Now im a wreck. Dammit so hard. :_(

I know how you feel. I'm going through the same thing right now. It's been two months and I'm still an emotional mess. Made every mistake in the book including begging, crying, yelling at him. It's hard, but life must go on.

I made the mistake of breaking no contact 3 times already. My advice is to never ever break it. Each time I broke NC, it made me go back to square one, and made things even more painful.

Good luck in your healing journey. You are not alone!

February 23, 2014

Hi everyone

I found this site a week ago and have been reading you touching stories everyday since. It has helped me immensly so thank you for that. I have learned terms here that i had never heard before like NC and breadcrums etc. I thought i would share my story as well if for no other reason than to get it off my chest and maybe get some helpfull tips from you guys who are going though the ringer as i am. Hell maybe it might even help somebody out somewhere that would be great as you stories have helped me knowing that i am not alone.

I am a 34 year old man although i feel more like a child these days. I met my ex on a dating site around 9 or 10 months ago. It started good we took things very slow and grew to love each other over the months. We had our first fight about 5 moths in, she was jealous of my female friend wich i have been friends with for 9 years, she is in fact my only real friend an confident. We manage to work thing out i promised that i woudnt see her alone and i kept that promise and she promised not to be so aggressive about her and we got past it.

We grew even more in love everything was going great then she started talking about mariage and having a baby. I think that scared me as i thought it was early in our relationship for that but i loved her so much. I never thought i would ever get married but for the first time i met a woman that made me think about it but i didnt tell her i was thinking about it for the future. Anyway she kept dropping suttle hints every now and then until 1 month ago where she abruptly broke up with me over facebook.

She said that she loved and we had the best relationship she ever had in her life, i made her happy like no other had ever done etc etc, but that she didnt think i could give her what she wanted in the future. She said i was the best bf but she wanted a husband a baby a house the works. I was devastated and in shock. She was so sure that i woudnt want to commit that she felt she needed to break it off sooner rather than later to protect herself. Maybe that was my fault for not making her feel like i would(commit). Truth is i was commited to her she just seems in such a hurry like she said ''her biologocal clock is tickin''.

So we kept in contact for 3 weeks, talking, texting often almost as if we were still together. I even fixed some stuff for her at her app and we had supper. I thought we could be friends...i was wrong. Then Valentin's day came along, and we made plans to go to the movies(i know i know bad ideal). I started thinking it was like a date, i was in for a shock because she sure didnt. She sent me a text that day saying that she didnt want to go because she didnt want to hurt me more so we didnt go. I ended up going to her place to give her a letter i had written(another mistake i know this now). She read the letter it was the usuall i guess, '' i love you, i can give you what you what, i want to fight for us'', the whole shebang. It was too late she said, we cried, hugged and left with my tail between my legs, a broken man. I have had my heartbroken before but nothing like this.

The next day i found these forums read about no contact and applied it immediatly. Its been a week now of NC and i am struggling to maintain it. I have deleted our conversation, her pics on my phone but it all seem futile. I still think and cry about her constantly. I cant bring my self to delete her from facebook and keep sneeking peeks at it for any info i can get. I know this not good for me but somehow i cant find the strengh to break the last tie. Help!!!. She has left one breadcrum a couple days ago in the form of a simple ''goodnight xxx'' on facebook to wich i have not replied only god knows how.

I am a very emotional and sensitive guy and this has hit me very very hard. I have had to take leave from work and seek help wich i have done, i have even started going to the gym per my friends advice. I still struggle to get thru my day wondering when it will get easier if ever.

Anyway i am sure i have forgotten some thing but this is a long enough post as is.

Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing you stories, i have been reading them and hope you all the best.

I am right there with you man. Deep down I know I am a nice guy. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past and have some huge regrets from my relationship, but I've changed and I really started giving a lot in my relationship. I was hit hard by the breakup and it has rocked my world to the point where I figured I needed anti-depressants for a while to get through it. It's been 6 days while I've been on them. The waves of pains in my chest and anxiety attacks have lessened. I still can't really sleep other than an hour or two a night and my brain is hell but I guess overall its somewhat better. Anyway, I'm not saying you needed them. I just took them because I had an old RX I could feel and I knew I was having panic attacks. It isn't exactly fun.

I've been accused of putting her up on a pedestal, or being co-dependant on my own happiness with her. Its not true, I just really really love her.

February 23, 2014

Omg my ex just texted me that she wants to call me after 5 weeks BU and 9 days NC. I didnt aswer and 10 min later another text saying ok never mind im sorry i wont bother you again. What should i do guys, does this mean she wants to try and work things out or am i over anylizing. This has turned my stomach upside down. Plz help...

February 23, 2014

She said the phrase she wants to talk. Hear her out. But do it without expectation. That is if you feel that you would want to work it out if she says she does.

February 23, 2014

Omg my ex just texted me that she wants to call me after 5 weeks BU and 9 days NC. I didnt aswer and 10 min later another text saying ok never mind im sorry i wont bother you again. What should i do guys, does this mean she wants to try and work things out or am i over anylizing. This has turned my stomach upside down. Plz help...

No. She just wants to know that you are still out there.

Put it this way.. She only gave you 10 mins of you not responding to her for her to text you back saying ''nevermind''... seems like she is a loose cannon.

I know this probably got your hopes up and you are probably going crazy wondering if you should have texted her back or not, but the truth is.. she is just wanting to know if she still has you on the leash.

Texting her back will only make things harder for you. You will start over analyzing everything she texts you.. Do you really want to do that?

She knows where you live. If she truly wants to salvage what you guys had, she will come knocking on your door. you know? She broke up with you, so she needs to come knocking to down walls to get you back.

Stay strong. Take the power back.

February 23, 2014

Thanks for your quick responses guys still unsure what to, thinking about straight up calling her instead of texting but debating whether i want to breack NC. Anything less than ''i love you and i want to work things out and i will be disapointed and back to square one.

Would love to have more opinions on this, a girls perspective would be nice also...

February 23, 2014

No. She just wants to know that you are still out there.

Put it this way.. She only gave you 10 mins of you not responding to her for her to text you back saying ''nevermind''... seems like she is a loose cannon.

I know this probably got your hopes up and you are probably going crazy wondering if you should have texted her back or not, but the truth is.. she is just wanting to know if she still has you on the leash.

Texting her back will only make things harder for you. You will start over analyzing everything she texts you.. Do you really want to do that?

She knows where you live. If she truly wants to salvage what you guys had, she will come knocking on your door. you know? She broke up with you, so she needs to come knocking to down walls to get you back.

Stay strong. Take the power back.

Spot on. She's yanking your chain. Ten minutes?? Get the hell out. If she's that keen she'd let you think about it. That's bullying. You would have given her longer than 10 minutes. Where's the complete 180? Nowhere. Ignore her. If she's serious she'll be back. If she's not you have your answer.

February 23, 2014

I just keep thinking about your situation and I had to post again...

10 minutes man. That is all it took for her to change her mind. 10 minutes.

Stay away!! NO CONTACT.

February 23, 2014

Stay strong. Take the power back.

Easier said than done!!!

From a girl's perspective, I think you should text her back and see what she has to say. I personally tend to do the same thing, I get emotional and send mixed messages one after another (I want to talk to you... no I don't want to talk to you). I miss the other person, but then I don't want them to perceive me as weak, and that just produces a series of mixed messages

Don't have any expectations though, the others may be right. You know her best, you know what type of person she is. Hear her out, but don't dwell and over-analyze. Be polite, but stand your grounds.

I wish my ex would text me that he wants to talk to me Good luck

February 23, 2014

I think 99.99% of the advice people give each other on this site is easier said than done. LOL.

If he should take the approach of not having any expectations with him going forward and replying to her then why text at all? I just don't see anything good coming out of it. She just seems completely fickle. If she would have called him, left him a voicemail, etc etc than I guess I can understand... But she took the easy route and texted him... And when he didnt respond after a whopping 10 minutes, she got mad and sent him the 'nevermind' text... Nothing good is gonna come out of it.. Thats my opinion.

NO Contact = taking the power back

and yes.. easier said than done... but it can be done!

February 23, 2014

Easier said than done!!!

From a girl's perspective, I think you should text her back and see what she has to say. I personally tend to do the same thing, I get emotional and send mixed messages one after another (I want to talk to you... no I don't want to talk to you). I miss the other person, but then I don't want them to perceive me as weak, and that just produces a series of mixed messages

Don't have any expectations though, the others may be right. You know her best, you know what type of person she is. Hear her out, but don't dwell and over-analyze. Be polite, but stand your grounds.

I wish my ex would text me that he wants to talk to me Good luck

Yes 4ever i know how she is and she is like you. Her situation is delicate right now. She is mexican, been living here in canada for 3 years separated from her ex husband for over a year. She doesnt have many friends, lost her job a couple months ago and struggling to find another do to languages barriers. She is under a lot of stress trying to make the right decision for her and her daughter, even contemplating going back to mexico before she goes through all her savings. She is a good woman and i love her dearly, these things only complicate the situation, i want to help and be there for her if she would let me and she knows this.

February 23, 2014

NO Contact = taking the power back

NO Contact does not give you power back. As dumpees, we have no power here, we are just trying to heal and save what's left of our dignity!

What I am saying is that people are different, and although the advice I found her was very very helpful, it tends to be very generic regardless of the situation (He moved on, he doesn't love you, he left for someone else)!

Kevin, You know your ex better than anyone here. Does she tend to be emotional? does she change her mind quickly so you don't perceive her behavior as weak? is she honest or is she the type who likes to play games? Maybe nothing good will come out of it, maybe something good will come out of it.

I broke no contact lately after 3 weeks and met my ex. He was polite, but he was distant and did not want to get back together. I was hurt and crushed. But that also killed a lot of the false hopes I was clinging onto. It allowed me to let go a little more, and get rid of the what ifs. Every person is different! And no matter what the outcome is, it will be beneficial is a certain way (push you to move on or reconcile). The only thing I wouldn't want to live with is regrets, and the "what if I did this differently"!

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