Waverly Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm interested in hearing feedback from OW/OM who have been through individual counseling, but I'm still not totally sure if this is the right board - apologies if it's misplaced. A few of you have (quite correctly) suggested that I would benefit from some counseling sessions in the wake of the affair ending. I actually started seeing a counselor a few months ago, and still go intermittently, but don't really feel like I'm getting much out of it. I don't know if it's just a mismatch, or if my expectations are off or what. My questions for everyone: did you go to counseling to deal with your affair or the end of it? did it help? how did you find a good counselor, and how did you know that you were making "progress"?
goodyblue Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Not sure if I can be of assistance, as our affair ended with us being a couple. But... after the affair, we did attend counseling together and he separately. We just wanted to make sure we'd dealt with our issues and that we were able to move forward in a positive manner. We had great therapists who knew the dynamic and it was helpful. If you feel you're not benefitting from your therapy, find someone else. It may take a few tries but if you truly feel you need it, there is someone out there who can be of assistance, it just may take a bit to find a good match. Hang in there.
rumbleseat Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 There are many different therapists, offering many different types of therapy. It can take a while to find one who is the right one for you, but keep at it. One thing you may find helpful is to do a bit of research online first. Find out what therapies there are and see if any type resonates with you. If it does, then ask the different therapists you contact if they have experience with that type of therapy. There are even online therpapists who give sessions over skype, which is ideal for people who are short on time or live too far from the counselor of their choice. If you find it's not helping, try someone new. 1
PurpleCardigan Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm interested in hearing feedback from OW/OM who have been through individual counseling, but I'm still not totally sure if this is the right board - apologies if it's misplaced. A few of you have (quite correctly) suggested that I would benefit from some counseling sessions in the wake of the affair ending. I actually started seeing a counselor a few months ago, and still go intermittently, but don't really feel like I'm getting much out of it. I don't know if it's just a mismatch, or if my expectations are off or what. My questions for everyone: did you go to counseling to deal with your affair or the end of it? did it help? how did you find a good counselor, and how did you know that you were making "progress"? Hey Waverly, I both advocate counseling on in my replies and am up front that I'm currently in it and it's helping. So a few things...if it is not working for you, talk with your counselor on why it's not working and if it doesn't get better get a referral (good therapists know other good therapists and it's not an insult to ask) and find someone else. I find it works best when I go regularly and not intermittently. Likewise there are some sessions, where I think "Yes! Progress!" and others where I'm disappointed but usually when I'm disappointed with my progress it is that we are dealing with an issue that takes several sessions to work through. I researched someone who had experience in some of my areas (general examples: abuse, alcoholism, marriage issues, children, cheating, etc.) through friend referrals, my EAP (employer service), my insurance and then did phone screens to ask about their philosophy, rates, experience, etc. So far I'm happy, but if it's not working and I've talked about why then I'll find someone else. Just make sure that you are not skipping around too much so that you avoid working on the tough stuff (been there!). I started counseling while in my relationship (me = single; him = married) and it has since ended. How do I measure progress... well, do I feel better about myself and my ability to cope with certain things? yes, then progress. Can I make connections on why I accept certain treatment or make certain decisions? Yes, then progress. Am I learning new skills to deal with my issues? Yes, then progress. However I also "lead" my therapy sessions in that I come in with a topic that I want to talk about and we go from there. For example, at my last session I wanted to talk about how/why I avoid conflict and how to have healthy conflict in all kinds of relationships (romantic, work, friends). Sometimes, she'll halt my preferred discussion topic and go back to a previous topic but for the most part I'm an active participant in my healing. Finding a good therapist can take some work, but if addressing your concerns doesn't make YOU feel better and feel like progress then find someone else.
nais Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I'm interested in hearing feedback from OW/OM who have been through individual counseling, but I'm still not totally sure if this is the right board - apologies if it's misplaced. A few of you have (quite correctly) suggested that I would benefit from some counseling sessions in the wake of the affair ending. I actually started seeing a counselor a few months ago, and still go intermittently, but don't really feel like I'm getting much out of it. I don't know if it's just a mismatch, or if my expectations are off or what. My questions for everyone: did you go to counseling to deal with your affair or the end of it? did it help? how did you find a good counselor, and how did you know that you were making "progress"? i needed to understand why i was in the situation i was in. i was allowed to express myself but found that the issue of being the OW was so taboo i often ended up being judged vs expressing all of my feelings. People often want to here it has ended vs trying to understand why it started to begin with. i know why it began, i know why i remain. In your situation you have to undo what has been done, if your allowed to vent then do so on all levels. Be honest with your feelings, that's where your suppose to be the most open about them without fear of judgment. Once you have laid it out, you should be able to work it out. Good luck
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