Wife had a 3 year affair and I can't seem to get past it

[aliveagain]

Friend, a three year affair is a conscious choice not a drunken one night stand. It takes someone special who is willing to lie to their family that long, infidelity takes planning. She's good at lying because she fooled you for three years. Every morning she had to plan what to wear for him,than she had to give you a believable story about her day, she probably slept with both of you on the same day many times(I know that was my case).

 

First, put all your evidence somewhere safe(work, with family in a sealed envelope). Get tested for STD's I guarantee you they didn't use protection. Talk to a lawyer, I know you want your marriage but think about her head space, someone that cheats on their spouse for three years(one of those years was after they had already been caught) has already left the marriage. If you want to end their affair, expose them, tell his fiance, she needs to know before he marries her.

 

It is not up to you to win her back, it's up to you to find out if there really is a marriage that is worth saving so your not wasting anymore of your time. She needs to know your willing to walk unless she can prove that she is 100% committed to your marriage and she is worth staying with. Don't waste time on marriage counselling until you know she is committed to the marriage. You both need independent counselling, she needs to find out what's broken in her that allowed her to trash her family the way she has, you to deal with her infidelity. Talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights and to protect your children. Read up on the 180 and make that your mantra because you need some distance from her, you need to decide what you want. Fear of being alone is not a good reason for staying in a marriage, one way or another your starting over anyway, your marriage as you knew it is over. There are many things worse than divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them.

 

Make it very clear to her what you need to stay in the marriage(transparency, counselling, NO CONTACT with other man including sending him a no contact letter that you write together, start acting like a wife). You need to feel safe with her again, if she can't make you feel safe, ask her to leave. The reason your in this mess is she brought a predator into your marriage, there is one too many, one of you has to go and you need to know who right now. If she can't decide do it for her, the worst thing you can do right now is nothing. It's best you now where she stands, being her second choice or her fall back position is about the worst reason for staying. She needs to do the work with a counsellor that has infidelity experience, do not allow her to rug sweep because unless you deal with this now you can bet it will happen again. Draw your line in the sand and stand behind it and if she can't accept your terms you have your answer and can plan accordingly.

[oldshirt]

Friend, a three year affair is a conscious choice not a drunken one night stand. It takes someone special who is willing to lie to their family that long, infidelity takes planning.

 

 

YES.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First, put all your evidence somewhere safe(work, with family in a sealed envelope).

 

 

YES

 

 

 

 

Get tested for STD's I guarantee you they didn't use protection.

 

 

I RECCOMMEND MAKING HER GET IT DONE SO SHE'S THE ONE THAT HAS TO GET SWABBED AND PROBED AND BLOOD DRAWN AND SUBMIT THE PAPERWORK TO YOU BUT YES, STD TESTING IS A MUST. 100% GUARENTEED THEY WENT BAREBACK.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talk to a lawyer, I know you want your marriage but think about her head space, someone that cheats on their spouse for three years(one of those years was after they had already been caught) has already left the marriage.

 

 

YES. SHE CHECKED OUT YEARS AGO AND IS JUST STAYING FOR THE SUPPORT OF RAISING THE KIDS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you want to end their affair, expose them, tell his fiance, she needs to know before he marries her.

 

 

THIS IS PROBABLY THE "RIGHT" WAY TO DO IT. I'D USE IT FOR LEVERAGE TO MAKE THEM MORE COOPERATIVE AND THEN DROP THE BOMB AFTER I HAD MADE MY DECISIONS AND HAD ALL MY DUCKS IN A ROW BUT KARMA IS PROBABLY ON THE SIDE OF DOING IT SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.

 

 

 

 

It is not up to you to win her back, it's up to you to find out if there really is a marriage that is worth saving so your not wasting anymore of your time.

 

 

YES X 100

 

 

 

 

She needs to know your willing to walk unless she can prove that she is 100% committed to your marriage and she is worth staying with.

 

 

SHE NEEDS TO KNOW YOU ARE READY, WILLING AND ABLE TO WALK. PERIOD.

 

 

 

 

Don't waste time on marriage counselling until you know she is committed to the marriage.

 

 

 

 

I RECOMMEND COUNSELING TO HELP CLEAR THE FOG AND PEEL THROUGH THE LAYERS AND HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHERE THINGS STAND AND WHAT THEIR OPTIONS ARE AND WHAT IS AT STAKE. IMHO COUNSELING IS AS VALUABLE IN ENDING A RELATIONSHIP AS SAVING ONE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You both need independent counselling, she needs to find out what's broken in her that allowed her to trash her family the way she has, you to deal with her infidelity.

 

 

 

 

YES

 

 

 

 

Talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights and to protect your children.

 

 

YES X 1000!

 

 

 

 

Read up on the 180 and make that your mantra because you need some distance from her, you need to decide what you want.

 

 

YES!

 

 

 

 

Fear of being alone is not a good reason for staying in a marriage, one way or another your starting over anyway, your marriage as you knew it is over.

 

 

YES. UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS VERY TRUE. IT'S THE REALITY EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE CHOSEN. THIS IS LIKE A DEATH. IT'S SAD. IT'S NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTED. THINGS WILL NEVER BE EXACTLY THE SAME. BUT IT CAN BE RECOVERED FROM AND PEOPLE CAN MOVE ON AND LIFE CAN BE GOOD AGAIN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are many things worse than divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them.

 

 

 

YES. SHE WASN'T 'SHARED'. THIS WAS ALL WITHOUT FOREKNOWLEDGE, CONSENT OR PERMISSION BUT NONETHELESS THERE ARE MANY THINGS WORSE THAN DIVORCE. MANY MANY THINGS. A LOT OF WHICH ARE TAKING PLACE HERE.

 

Make it very clear to her what you need to stay in the marriage(transparency, counselling, NO CONTACT with other man including sending him a no contact letter that you write together, start acting like a wife).

 

 

 

 

GOOD ADVICE IF THE DECISION HAS BEEN REACHED THAT YOU ACTUALY EVEN WANT TO REMAIN IN THE MARRIAGE. IF THE DECISION IS REACHED TO DIVORCE NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES, THEN STATE YOUR DEMANDS ON WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO MAKE IT A COOPERATIVE, AMMICABLE DIVORCE.

 

 

IF YOU ARE UNDECIDED, STATE YOU ARE UNDECIDED AND STATE WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO KEEP YOU FROM FILING 'ON THE SPOT.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You need to feel safe with her again, if she can't make you feel safe, ask her to leave.

 

 

SHE CAN'T MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE AT THIS TIME. ASK HER TO LEAVE NOW.

 

 

The reason your in this mess is she brought a predator into your marriage, there is one too many, one of you has to go and you need to know who right now. If she can't decide do it for her, the worst thing you can do right now is nothing.

 

 

I AGREE. YOU REALLY CAN'T CONTROL HER, ONLY YOURSELF. START DOING WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOUR OWN SURVIVAL AND WELLBEING. SHE WILL CHOOSE WITH HER ACTIONS. IF SHE GETS WITH HIM AGAIN, YOU HAVE HER ANSWER. IT WILL THEN BE UP TO YOU TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

 

 

 

 

It's best you now where she stands, being her second choice or her fall back position is about the worst reason for staying.

 

 

 

 

I AGREE. IF SHE STAYS WITH YOU OUT OF GUILT OR SENSE OF DUTY OR SO THE NEIGHBORS DON'T FIND OUT OR TO MAKE HER FEEL LESS SLUTTY, IT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT. IF HER HEART AND SOUL AREN'T IN THE MARRIAGE, IT'S NOT A MARRAIGE ANYWAY SO NO REASON TO TRY TO CONTINUE IT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She needs to do the work with a counsellor that has infidelity experience, do not allow her to rug sweep because unless you deal with this now you can bet it will happen again.

 

 

YES. 100% GUARENTEED.

THE CAVEAT IS EVEN IF EVERYONE DOES 100% THE RIGHT THINGS, IT IS STILL A VERY VERY VERY LONG SHOT THAT YOUR MARRIAGE WILL BE THE LEAST BIT HEALTHY AND HAPPY EVEN IF SHE DOES COMPLETELY GET RID OF THE OM AND YOU STAY UNDER THE SAME ROOF.

 

 

Draw your line in the sand and stand behind it and if she can't accept your terms you have your answer and can plan accordingly.

 

 

 

 

YES X 10,000. READ AND REREAD THAT AGAIN AND AGAIN. ONE TEENSY WEENSY TINY LITTLE SLIP UP ON HER PART AND YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My responses are capitalized.

 

 

This is a very grave situation for your marriage. To use a death analogy this is like someone who is on life support with machines breathing for them and providing oxygen, dialysis removing wastes, IVs providing blood, Intra-Aortic Balloon Pumps assisting the heartbeat, antibiotics trying to keep the infections from overwhelming the whole system and continues IV medications to keep the blood pressure high enough to perfuse the brain and other vital organs.

 

 

Technically it is alive and not in the grave at the moment but all it will take is one little disruption in the balance to throw everything out the window. Can it survive? possibly, but it will never be the same and really no telling if what is left afterwards will be worth it or not.

 

 

Some times a natural, peaceful death is more natural and less traumatic and easier to recover from than what remains after a heroic rescue.

Edited February 22, 2014 by oldshirt

[beatcuff]

... I worry that this angst and hurt is dominating my life...

 

while the advise thus far has some merit. some of it (telling WW family) will only cause her to be defensive and give her some power back. stop. decisions in time of emotion are often wrong. take a deep breath.

 

you have 3 issues: what went wrong (why she strayed), what to do (R, D), how to move forward.

 

start with an IC. they will help in sorting out your feelings with each issue. this will NOT happen next week or next month. those meetings will help you decide on what YOU want and a game plan to achieve it. that plan should be flexible (their will be road blocks or speed bumps) but have your goal in mind.

 

example: if you want D and some revenge tell the world of WW deeds. but if you want R you can see that will complicate matters.

 

AND do not be surprised in the meantime she decides to 'move on'.

 

the 3 year length is not the biggest concern but rather the consistency, every couple of weeks. it appears you were (are) the daddy/house husband/social escort.

[anne1707]

Contrary to what some believe, it is actually possible to reconcile after such a long affair. My husband and I have after my 3 year affair. However there was no rug sweeping. My husband and I had MC and I did IC. We also did much to increase the amount of quality time we had together plus help give him the confidence that I was no longer in the affair. Actions, not words, are what count.

 

You cannot carry on as if nothing has happened. You need to confront this mess head on if you are going to stand a chance of getting through it together.

[Fluttershy]

Unless the situation specifically requires it or there is no reconciliaion I am against telling the family. Not because of anything but because when I married my husband I left my family and he is. We are a new and formost family unit. If I had needed support from a close family memer tjat is one thing. But when one chooses to reconcile thhe last thing they need is family biased pressure.

 

And the most important reason not to do it is it is unfair to create the akwardness it creates. Putting people on the post by airing yor dirty laundry to them is unfair. I do not agree with wide spread exposure as a go to. I believe it is a poor attmept at paintin the scarlet A and revenge. Showin the world "who thu are". And once told no one can be untold.

 

There are times when it needs to be told but I would encoirage anyone to heavily consider the benifit to it.

[aliveagain]

Regardless of advice given, decide for yourself if three years of having a knife put into your back is worth the years of effort required to save a false marriage. You need to know what the reality is, she gave herself to another man to use as he wished. She did it willingly and of her own accord. To achieve this she had to lie to you, risk your health, and share secrets about you with other man. She allied herself with O/M against you, together they plotted against you in order to meet and even plan a future together. You need to put whatever you believed she was aside just as she did regarding you when she was with her other man, decide if this deceptive person is the one that deserves your love. At one point in my life I stood exactly where you are today. Many do reconcile with their cheating partner, I chose not to. My reason had a lot to do with my forgiving a previous fiance that cheated on me before we married, that relationship failed. I tried to get over her betrayal but could never get over the imbalance her infidelity created. I tried for three years but could never get over the fact that for some period of time I no longer mattered enough to warrant her fidelity. She laid on her back for another man willingly then came home to me. That was a farce I couldn't overcome.

 

They can tell you that they were messed up at the time, big f**ken deal, so were you. You just didn't know at the time that the reason you were so messed up was because she was allowing another man to put his penis in what she promised only to you. This is what you have to come to terms with, she chose to do it with him because she wanted him as much as he wanted her. She was pretending her fidelity to you, your family, your friends, your children, everyone in your church.

 

You need to decide if the years she took from you and gave to another man can ever be made up? Why would you believe her now knowing she lied to your face and chose him over you as her confidant during that time? She left you for three years and now decided she wants back in, the choice shouldn't be hers, the choice is only yours. Yes many have reconciled but I promise you that imbalance will always be there. Your sh*t sandwich is can you live with it? Regardless of what she promises you, you now know what she is capable of, is she worth the risk knowing there are so many other trustworthy women out there? Choose wisely for yourself, don't get sold more bulls**t, there is the potential for a great life with or without her.

[sidney2718]

Wow....

 

I appreciate the input , I am on new ground here and this gives me a lot to consider that I have not as yet. Sh definitely wants to sweep it under the rug. It did not seem to bother that much that she risked so much. We have been getting along great in the last couple of months and I want to believe she would never do it again but I cannot be sure, that bothers me every day. She is very sorry I can see that but I think she I sorry that she hurt me not that it happened.

 

She is still attracted to you, or she'd be long gone. But there is something missing in your relationship with her that she gets satisfied in an affair.

 

Contrary to what some think, it is entirely possible for her to have a three year affair and yet not even think of leaving you for the other guy. There are many reasons why this might be true, including things as silly as she really loves the way he pats her head.

 

None of this justifies the affair, that's on her. And she's so used to having the affair partner around that you may have to hit her with a 2x4 (also known as filing for divorce) in order to get her attention focused on the fact that she's seriously hurt you.

 

If I were you I'd see if she's willing to talk about why she hung onto him for three years without divorcing you. Other than that, folks here have already given you great advice.

[sidney2718]

You shouldn't get passed it, most people cheat once or twice or at the most for a month....No respectable human being cheats for 3 years and stays with their spouse....That's an outrage....You shouldn't waste your time....

 

Not really true. There is a large amount of cheating that is never discovered at all. If the BS is going to discover it, the discovery is usually made early in the affair. After that the affair partners get smarter about covering their tracks. And their behavior at home becomes regular and does not set off alarm bells.

 

In the case in point, if the BS had not been tipped off, he'd still not know.

[BeholdtheMan]

I left several threatening voicemails at his work

Why threaten the other man? Your wife is the one who sh*t all over her marriage vows to you

 

I should tell her, but I am afraid of losing my marriage and how it would destroy our three children, so I am using that information as leverage, to make sure that it is over, which he swears and my wife swears it is

Your wife cheated on you. Why are you the one who's afraid of losing the marriage? She should be afraid, not you. I'm not saying you should divorce her immediately...but why won't you even contemplate divorce? You don't know if your wife will do enough to win back your trust in the future. If she doesn't, divorce would be a good option.

 

The willingness to walk away is the greatest leverage. Divorce wouldn't necessarily "destroy" your children. A broken, resentful marriage could do that too

 

I need some advice, some help I guess. Please respond, even if it is critical of me or her, I need to talk on this

 

Grab a hold of your balls and start considering divorce as an option. Let your wife know that divorce is an option you'd be perfectly willing to take if she doesn't put in enough effort to regain your trust. That's true leverage.

 

If you don't have the balls to walk away, she'll know she has you wrapped around her finger. Why would she do the heavy lifting if she knows you're going to stay anyway?

[BeholdtheMan]

It did not seem to bother that much that she risked so much.

 

In her mind, she's not risking much. Your wife probably knows you well and is able to predict your responses. She likely knows that you're not considering divorce as an option because you're "afraid of losing her"

[beatcuff]

No the WW's family deserves to know what type of person she is...

 

maybe it needs to be spelled out for you. its family. so if a BS came to me about my sister/brother/daughter/son, you seriously expect me to shun them? defend BS? and what happens if the reaction is "well you are a [insert nasty comment here] and deserved it".

 

which leads to what do YOU GAIN --- if you R it will make for some awkward gatherings for the next billion years. if you D i will never see you again anyhow so ------

 

the damage is done. now is the time for assessment and determine if/how to repair it.

 

WW dropped a bomb, but a BS throwing Molotov cocktails back only serves to draw battle lines.

[Steadfast]

...but I am afraid of losing my marriage and how it would destroy our three children

 

This ^^^ is your problem, because it's the only thing you can control. Your wife also knows, and knowing that gives her freedom to act upon her lusts with no fear of reprisal. Your identity is wrapped up in the marriage.

 

You must gain the strength to leave in order for any viable outcome. I am not suggesting you divorce (I would) but your fear is robbing your ability to function and be a happy, healthy, productive person. This must change.

[kalimata]

BD:

 

You've gotten some great advice here from the previous posters. I agree with just about all of it. Your wife has probably driven the affair so far underground there is no way you could detect it. She doesn't appear sorry at all.

 

I would be highly suspicious if I were you. A 3 year affair is no simple matter to end overnight. I agree with previous posters to VAR her car, get a keylogger in place and also consider a PI to follow her. If after all of this you are satisfied, then continue the process with marital counselling.

 

Not having a formal NC in place is a big no-no. She needs to send a formal NC letter to this OM.

 

I would also suggest posting the OM on cheaterville. Not as revenge but just so that other future women he will likely entice know how much of a piece of shyte he is.

[beach]

What are you doing to improve your life?

 

Change is up to you. Your W may never change - especially if she does have consequences and exposure to all about what she's capable of doing that causes harm.

 

How old are your kids?

 

Have you done any counseling?

[Scott Thomas]

She's faced no major consequences. What makes you think she won't do this again?

Read the other threads.

If I were you, she'd be out of the house...

3 years with another man? If she can lie during these three years, she can lie about ending it. You're very lucky the OM's BS told you. Your wife seemed very happy driving a knife in your back for three years.

Good luck, and you're more than welcome to come back here if she cheats again, runs off with the OM, takes away your children and half of your assets...

[thummper]

[quote=aliveagain;

there are so many other trustworthy women out there? Choose wisely for yourself, don't get sold more bulls**t, there is the potential for a great life with or without her.

 

 

 

You know, Alive, after reading everything I've seen on this site for the past few months, I'm really beginning to wonder how many "trustworthy" women there are. If I had to go by what I've seen here, I'd have to say that there don't appear to be very many. That's unbelievably depressing!

[aliveagain]

You know, Alive, after reading everything I've seen on this site for the past few months, I'm really beginning to wonder how many "trustworthy" women there are. If I had to go by what I've seen here, I'd have to say that there don't appear to be very many. That's unbelievably depressing!

 

thummper, I know for a fact there is one at the general store in Zig Zag Oregon, I met her. Don't lose faith, I just met one here so there must be others. I know a lot of them post as betrayed spouse's here.

[thummper]

Sure be nice to think that there are at least a few of that vanishing breed still left alive. That offers hope for the betrayed husbands of the world. (And I've been to Zig Zag and I think I might have seen the lady you're talking about. lol )