Question regarding no contact final letter/call

[nightmare01]

It's been my experience that "one more meeting for closure" is just another excuse for a booty call.

 

NO to you not being there - that's absolute.

 

Personally I would be bet there was more going on than just kissing. Any last meeting might be to get their stories straight.

 

Anyway - a email or letter at most - viewed and ok'd by you, and sent by you. After that, any contact and he is kicked out.

[Friskyone4u]

The only thing he needs to be saying to her is never to contact him again and you need to hear it. This crap about either doing it in person or without you around means he is going to protect her and probably figure out a way to take it off underground. You will not get any satisfaction wondering what he said and unfitness the truth.

The simple fact that he is feeding you this bull **** indicates you better stay in big time snoop mode or you are going to get burned again for sure. Your husband is right now more concerned with her feelings than yours.

What does he need to say to her that he does not want you to hear??

Probably how sorry he is that they got caught and how much he cares about her.!

And if that occurs she will continue to put out feelers to him somehow.

You need to put a VAR in his car. If he breaks NC that inshore it will certainly occur on his cell when you are not there either

Good luck because with his statements you will need it.

[Spectre]

Are you smoking crack OP? Sorry, there are no "final goodbyes" when you cheat. It's no contact, period. He doesn't even get to send this woman a telegram. He doesn't even get to try to telepathically send a final goodbye to her, he is DONE period or he should be booted out. Why he wasn't already is beyond me, but no..no final contact.

[merrmeade]

I wanted to send everyone an update.

 

My partner and I are still together. Things are better and we are continuing to work on things. My days are typically happy, and the deep sadness and betrayal I initially felt seem to be slowly disappearing.

 

Leaving him would have been the easy way out for me (no children, minimal assets). Staying to work on the relationship and figure out this **** situation has been an extremely empowering experience - even though it was also incredibly painful.

 

I am very thankful for having found Dr. Hartley's website (re: emotional needs, how do affairs begin, coping, etc.). I was better able to understand how this could have happened to us and what I was in for.

 

Sending positive thoughts to everyone out there in the acute stages of your ****ty ****ty ordeal.

I'm glad things are better, that you're continuing to work together and you're mostly happy. If you feel like sharing what you decided regarding the good-bye, which was your initial question beginning this thread, it would be instructive to hear your decision and why and how you feel about it now. You received a lot of excellent advice.

 

I just wonder what you did with the reality of his actions while you were gone and right before you found out and what that means about who he is and what he's capable of. I hope you're not letting things slide in the belief that you're "working on things."

 

I wish I'd seen advice like you got (for ALL the reasons people have given) BEFORE my H made that private phone call to "end it," which later became "to say good-bye." She fueled his defense of their "90% friendship" and called me a "b-itch" for a sarcastic remark I'd made about how close they were (this was my sister-in-law) - though, of course, he proudly reported reminding her that she was talking about his wife. The trauma of this humiliation has taken me 2-1/2 years to get to a point where I think maybe I can begin to get over othat phone call. So, yeah, I really hope you didn't let him do it because it might come back to haunt you.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Like many have said, you can't stop him if he wants to talk to her again. I went through all that bullcrap and even wrote the F-off letter FOR my WW and sent it, and THEN called OM with her on the line, and told him that if he ever speaks so much as a single vowel to her, the next choke-hold he ends up in will be fatal.

 

She still apologized to him at the office the next day, and he said thank you, and who knows what else.

 

So you just have to let what's gonna happen happen, and make a decision based on that.

[Friskyone4u]

The NC call or letter is more for you than the AP. those who have said they can always find a way to maintain contact are right. What the NC communication with you seeing or hearing it does is document that they have done what you have asked, that they are choosing you over the AP, and that if they do break NC there can be no doubt or confusion or gray areas because you do not know what was actually said. Why on earth would you believe what he tells you right now.

Again, the poster whose wife went in to work and apologized to OM the other next day should have no doubt what he should be doing. If he allowed that to go with no consequence chances are the workplace affair will restart .

You are not then cheater here. He does not get to set the rules for R.

You do!!!

[nightmare01]

I think NC needs to be a HARD boundary for all of us BS.

 

We can't control what they do or don't do. What our WS does and feels is all in their control. So if a WS wants to contact the AP again, they will probably find a way.

 

The NC letter needs to form that boundary. Remember you can't control your WS but you can control YOU. That boundary is YOUR boundary. If your WS crosses it then there are consequences.

 

For me a violation of NC is a one-and-done deal. If WW communicates with OM in any way, I'll divorce her. This may sound like I am trying to control her, but that's not so. She is free to contact him.. free to run naked with him through the tulips if that's what she wants. BUT I am free to choose to not stay in a relationship with my WW should she do that.

[Bartlett67]

Thank you both for your quick replies.

 

At first I was really against any further contact between them (after I sent her a message). A few days ago she sent him a text that he showed me. I understand that for her to get the hint it may need to come from him. It's just how it is delivered.

 

I would prefer he write a letter that I co-sign.

 

He seems to want to hear her opinions of the matter too - he doesn't like the idea of a letter because there is no dialogue.

 

He said he would prefer phone (knowing that in-person is totally not happening). He mentioned that he would say different things to her if I was around versus if I was not around. He insinuated that he may have better closure if he could just say everything he needs to (aka without me there).

 

I initially agreed and then spent some time thinking it through and searching some sites. I now think it is a really bad idea to have a telephone conversation without me present.

 

I am not sure if I even like the concept of a telephone conversation because I don't think anything she could say to him could help OUR relationship. In fact, I think it may make things worse (i.e. if she admitted love, admitted that her relationship with her partner is ending, admitting this is harder than she thought, or even agreed that the relationship they had was wrong - by agreeing they are almost strengthening the bond between them - a common pain they are both experiencing).

 

I'd be done with him at this point. Either he can tell her emphatically that it's over in such a way that you can be in on the conversation, or he's still hiding stuff from you. He wants it private for a reason, and that reason has nothing to do with reassuring you. With my husband there is a bright red line. She's out, gone, over-- or I am.