utwonderwoman Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Same guy dumped me again. We were engaged and he broke up with me. After a couple of months seperation, we got back together again. He just dumped me again. I feel like such a failure. My first relationship was 6 yrs., my second relationship was 8 yrs., and now this one was about 2.5 yrs. Why can't I get this right? I feel like giving up and I just don't want to go on. I am thinking about it a lot. The logic part of me tells me that I can't do it to my family and friends, but part of me feels like it is time to call an end to this. I am a failure at my whole life, not just relationships. Whatever God had planned for me, I missed the boat. I don't see the point anymore and I don't have the energy.
beejsea2 Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 For one it's not YOU!! You are a kind and caring person. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Please seek help!! I know that you're in alot of pain and right now you may feel that everything is your fault...call a therapist..check with your job and see if they have an EAP program but reach out there is help!!
Author utwonderwoman Posted January 20, 2005 Author Posted January 20, 2005 Not to sound rude, but how can you tell it isn't me? He said I was demanding, needy, argumentative, immature (I am 33), unmotivated, and others. I think all of these are probably true. But I think on the other hand, I am very loving and affectionate. I would do anything for anyone that I loved. I guess I wasn't meant to be loved.
blind_otter Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Nope. It's about choices. You chose your path. You can choose another one. You know as well as I do, there were reasons why it didn't work out initially. Lots of us have made utterly humiliating choices when it comes to relationships. I have, with violent consequences. You are in the oubliette right now. You can't see the fact that there are millions of other people stumbling around in the dark all around you, right beside you, making the same mistakes, or worse. I have felt like giving up many times. In fact, I was suicidal very recently, and I felt overwhelmed by the continual stream of crap I let into my life. Ultimately, though, they were my choices. And you have the ability to change your life around to be very fulfilling and satisfying. Learn, change, grow. That's what life is. It's a process. It hurts like hell. Breakups feel, to me, like cocaine withdrawal. But I've gone through both. You grit your teeth and just go through it. Sometimes you hide in bed and cry and it aches so badly. Sometimes you go out and desperately get as trashed as possible to forget. Sometimes you try to replace the one who left you. Sometimes you slip and fall. But you get up. We all get up. That's what makes humans the cockroaches that we are. You can survive this. Just keep posting and venting. It really does help.
blind_otter Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 If you do really sincerely feel the urge please call 1 800 SUICIDE.
beejsea2 Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 I'm in therapy right now and I'm reading the book "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay." Reading this book has opened my eyes to things in my relationship. I blames myself for the first few months that I was a failure and I wasn't meant to find love, but ending your life is not the answer!! I know when the two of you got back together you were determined to make things work so maybe he really didn't want the relationship to work. Like blind_otter said there are alot of people out there and maybe you just haven't meet the right one!! But please don't be so down on yourself!! Barb
Author utwonderwoman Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 I know that I am not going to kill myself. I just want to go to bed and never get out. I have failed at everything that I have ever loved and I just don't see the point anymore. Too needy Immature Argumentative Too stupid Not trustworthy Too independent Too stubborn This just seems like too much to overcome and if I am still all of this in my 30's, I will never change.
blind_otter Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Stop it. You know that's not true. Look, where did you get the idea that you don't change? You choose your path. You may very well be attracted to a specific personality type that is unhealthy and ultimately unsatisfying to yourself. Every minute of every day we die and are born again. The person you wre 5 minutes ago no longer exists. Every second is an opportunity to change into a completely different person. Sometimes, you gotta make it on your own. Being alone is when I do almost all of my emotional growth. It's a good thing to take time out to figure out who you are, what you need to change, how you will approach the problem....make lists. Break things up into manageable pieces. You survive because you have to. Last weekend I wanted to (and did) lay in bed for 2 days straight. Sometimes it is so hard to even think about getting up for a glass of water. But you do it. Anyways, know that I know how you feel. I empathize, sympathize, have been where you are, if not for the exact same circumstances....especially after both of my miscarriages. I know it's hard to lose something you work hard for , sacrifice for, make plans and dream for and hope for the future.....it hurts. But if you want, you do change.
beejsea2 Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 All the things that you listed are they how you really feel about yourself or what your ex said?? I don't think that's how you truly feel. The last day I spoke to my ex he was saying all these things about me that weren't true...dumb things like I didn't let him do things or behaviors that I never engaged in...overall I think he was looking for an excuse to feel good about leaving me!! Right now I'm not thinking about the next relationship...I'm thinking about taking care of me and you need to put yourself first and foremost!! I know when my ex first left I couldn't breathe and I thought I wouldn't make it through another day...but I've made it past the three month mark and I'm doing okay and becoming stronger each and every day!!
Author utwonderwoman Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 I think that most of them are true. He had personality things that I didn't like either, but I thought big picture. Yes he was very self centered, but he was very trust worthing, smart, and hardworking. These were more impt to me than the whole self centered thing. I guess my fundamentals were not enough to compensate for the negative things.
Weird Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 sorry to hear about this. If you ever just want to vent and talk to someone feel free to drop me a PM and we can chat on MSN or AIM or whatever. I highly doubt you are as bad as you are sorta implying you are here and that is just the sadness talking. I'd give you a hug if I could.
Author utwonderwoman Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 It is all true, not just the sadness. I wish I were a better person. Everyone keeps telling me that if I want to change it, then to just do it. I just don't know how.
beejsea2 Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 If you want to change than I suggest seeing a therapist to help you examine yourself and your relationship. It takes a strong person to admit they need help and can't do things on their own. I just feel that right now that you're saying what your ex might have said about you etc in passing. You're a good person I know that from the messages that we have exchanged! There are alot of people here at L.S. that know how you're feeling, etc!! Vent vent vent!! But no matter what it takes two to make/or end a relationship!!
Isabella82 Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 I would just like to say that after reading your post and putting yourself down like you do, that is kind of what I did also....just didn't really tell anyone. It was all because when someone breaks up with you it will lower your self esteem. And of course because what my ex said to me after we broke up. He said to me that I bought out the worst in him, he said that I would bring out the worst in anyone, he said that I used him for his money, and that I am not a nice person, that I was immature, that I was too much to handle, the list goes on and on. He never once complained to me about it before. You know for a while I believed this, and I know there are things about me that I need to change.....so does everyone else. But you know what, know matter what he says...that is who you are. You will find someone that will accept everything about you. Try to change what you think you need to change, but don't change just because of him. You sound very nice and I am sure he just said half of those things to you because he is just an Ahole. And just like beeseas said, its almost like they need an excuse for breaking up with you...because they don't have one.
DoggyDog Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 You are thinking like me and what I think of myself. My MM didn't tell me those kinds of things when he ended it with me in Nov. He just said "he wasn't good for me" but I know it was "ME that was good for him"...I was needing everything and because it was LDR it even made things worse for me. I wanted money from him as I was always in need, I questioned everything and would make up stuff in my head then hound him, I would hang up, I would take phone off hook...After awhile I know it was me who made him call it quits..I was also left at every relationship. Even when I was married, my husband said all I did was eat, sleep and go to Bingo. Isn't that a bit....h! So I'm boring and out of control with a real hot temper. I'm not changing...THIS IS ME...YOU ARE YOU. I'm older than you and everything your going thru in your 30's...I've said the same to myself...Now I'm in 50's and still saying the same. But you know what?? I like how I am. I'm strong willed and I bet you are too...After being dumped so many times...you need to be. They'll be another in my life again..maybe I'll control a little of the needy stuff next time, but the mistrust and tempter I AM KEEPING. Don't be ashamed of your ways.... YOU ARE YOU once again.... L DD
In the thick of it Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Hi WonderWoman, Sorry you're going through it right now. Personally have just been through it and 1 thing you said especially rang true to me. "He had personality things that I didn't like either, but I thought big picture. Yes he was very self centered, but he was very trust worthing, smart, and hardworking. These were more impt to me than the whole self centered thing" For me, the same was true. But in reality, the things that i didn't like all rolled into one had a significant effect on me, but I kept discounting them because of the "big picture" But what that meant was I wanted him to marry me, and I was willing to deal with his crap even though he never tolerated mine.. So then I was also a martyr I am 31 and I am all of the things he said you were.. But there is hope for us yet! Change is possible but it takes work. My brother who is 5 years older and got married last year said to me (after the breakup) "A man wants a partner not someone he needs to take care of." POW! Right ion the kisser..I tolerated these things in the men I dated because I really wanted someone to take care of me, because I was scared to death that I was completely incapable of taking care of myself. It turns out this is not true. I wanted someone who was completely trustworthy, but yet I flirted. I wanted someone who was smart, but I was doing nothing to continue my growth (except think about what a good idea it would be) and so forth and so on... I don't know, I feel your pain. and it's crappy when you're going through it. But, you know what.. Try as an exercise closing your eyes, and brething and imagining for 5 minutes that the person you are right now , is just great. That you may have things that you want to change about yourself, but those are changes you want to make not someone else. And just allow yourself a little time to say screw him, i'm ok just the way i am. NO ONE IS PERFECT. You will be ok, in fact, you already are! bEST WISHES
Author utwonderwoman Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 I appreciate your post. It sounds like we do have a lot in common. I know that I can take care of myself, I have been doing it since I was 16. I just want to be with someone who wants to take care of me and let me be independant at the same time. I feel like giving up on the relationship thing. I love to be in relationships, but I am terrible at it. I keep them forever and they go no where. I should take myself off the market and quit subjecting other people to me.
katiebour Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 I know how you feel about being a failure at relationships. My second relationship just ended, and in the end it bears striking resemblances to the first. The men were fairly different, but the reasons they listed to break up with me are the same- being needy, smothering them, being dependent. I certainly have no intention of taking up another relationship anytime soon because it could end up just like the others. So for now I'm getting ready to move out of the apt. I shared with my ex, working on getting a driver's license and a car so I can be more independent, paying off my debts so that if I have a relationship again I'm a financial equal rather than a burden, and going to therapy to learn how to be happy by myself. I feel like an utterly worthless person because I still love him, but because of who I am, he doesn't love me anymore. But hopefully I can become a less needy and dependent person, and maybe sometime down the line I will be ready for another love. Suicide certainly seems to be an easy answer to my pain, but when I think of how it would devastate my parents, my sister, my friends, I can't bring myself to consider it. Life seems pretty pointless right now, but hey- it can only get better from here, right? So in conclusion, I'm going to try and live one day at a time, working on all the things that have made me an undesirable partner, and maybe someday I'll find someone who loves me the way I love them. I don't know if that helps, but you are by no means the only one who feels like a failure. You don't have to feel like a success right now- you just have to take it one day at a time. Anger helps too- being angry at my ex for failing to be the man I needed him to be is helping me to avoid being depressed. Hope that helps.
greenie Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 A guy's perspective: If your BF was saying those things to you, then you probably came across like that to him. Not that you were doing that, it's just how you came across. It seems that you have difficult expectations of men. Don't see him for the man you WISH he was, see him for what he is, and either ACCEPT him or REJECT him. No nitpicking!!!! Why do woman nag? Women are the keepers of the key to the universe, the vagina. Don't laugh. My buddies and I all agree that it is the most powerful thing in the universe. Think about it. You have one. Start acting like it!! If I was a chick, I'd have men eating out my hand. Don't settle, but don't nag the not so perfect guy until he leaves you!! ACCEPT the good ones, even if they're not perfect. Now put on your sexiest clothes, hang out with a girlfriend at the trendiest club, and talk to each other at the bar. Don't look around like your desperate. Be nice to the guys that hit on you, but not too nice. Act like you've been there before, and you will do just fine. Damn thats good advice!!
moon Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 Utwonderwoman, I totally know what you mean about feeling like you are a failure in love. I have had two really painful break ups in my lifetime. The first one took me about three years to get over (but more if you count that I still liked the guy even though I was dating somebody else). Then I just had another really painful break up. Both times I was dumped. Both guys pursued me first. The first one I can't exactly fault for hurting me on purpose, but he did really persist in wanting me to fall in love with him and once we got so close I thought he was the one, he moved away. I think I attract that type of guys that desperately wants to be needed by a strong woman and then once they get all the attention they can't handle it. I think I also pick people who aren't right for me. I always pick people who are warmer, personality-wise, than me, but that had difficult childhoods. I pick guys who can't really have the type of relationship with me that they are advertising. It gets so frustrating and you think to yourself that you'll never get it right. But then I think that my problem is also that it usually takes me a long time to get over a guy once I am in love with him. Before that phase of the relationship it was always pretty easy for me to say good bye. But I look at some friends who are more resilient than me. I know one person who is in her late 20s and she's probably had about five serious boyfriends in her life. Some of those relationships have been pretty bad, but she was always able to let it go and move on pretty quickly. So I think it is also about how you handle the post break up. You don't have to keep beating yourself up. There are people out there who are getting out of relationships every day and moving on. So I tell myself that too. I don't have to make it a nightmare. Another thing I have realized is that I usually find men who need help from me, but once they get it they don't return the favor. They are not about to pick me up if I'm down and that's unfair. So next time around I need a more compassionate person. Anyway, good luck to you. I think your age might have something to do with your feeling like a failure in love. I can say that because I am also in my early 30s and know that the time is NOW for me to get all this worked out and skip off to get married. But maybe I have to realize that marriage is not the top priority of this life I am living. Maybe there are other goals for me to seek. Maybe this is the same for you. If you do feel unmotivated or unable to find a satisfying career, then start looking now. Maybe what you're really supposed to be is a very successful career girl--one who makes her own money and takes charge of her own life. Maybe you don't need a man standing next to you. My ex and I were planning on getting married too and spent too much time talking about our futures together. It's hard to let the dream go. I guess you do have to have faith also. Have faith in yourself and the fact that God must have a plan for all of us. Don't give up on your life. Try to keep pushing through. Your ex didn't see you in a very positive light. Would you want to hear all the words he said to you for the rest of your life? NO!! So keep looking for somebody who sees the good in you. If you don't think you are good enough (to the people around you)--- then start being better. Start acting different. Donate your time to charities or go out of your way next time to help a family member or friend. You can always keep growing and changing. But I am sort of a firm believer that if you are in a relationship with somebody who puts you down, no matter how you change, they will try as hard as they can to ONLY see the things in you that will allow them to criticize. That's not right. You deserve better than that. I am on a similar road as you. Around the same age, feeling like I have to get more motivation in my career, feeling sort of lost with out my relationship crutch ( I went out with my ex for three years), but you just have to put one foot in front of the other every day. Join some classes, learn a new language, get new hobbies, write a list of new goals. Make your life more about you---not him. I think that's the secret anyway. Take care.
Author utwonderwoman Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 You guys are all so wonderful. I wish I had the strength to find all of the things that I want to say, I am just too low right now. I appreciate all of your advice. I know that the pain could go away so easily, but I cannot even imagine doing that to my family. they were here the last time to pick up the pieces. I just love him so much. I don't know how I will ever be able to let go.
beejsea2 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 You'll start letting go little by little...it's going to be baby steps for you. I've made it through the three month point and alot of thoughts I have about him now I'm really questioning the past 4 1/2 years! Is it going to be easy...no but I know that you'll make it. For me it was making it through one day, than it was one week, one month. I've become stronger and you will too!! I'll admit there are days that I regress but I think it makes me even stronger the next day.
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