How to proceed

[r321148]

So brief recap of the breakup:

Together 7 months. Me struggling to find a job locally after finishing studies. Her in her final year and her dad re-diagnosed with cancer. She tells me it's too stressful and she can't handle an LDR. I say I'm still trying to stay local if I can. She says it doesn't matter and the uncertainty will make her lose focus on her studies. She ends it. I tell her I don't agree but I will respect her decision...she kisses me and leaves in tears.

 

First couple of weeks post breakup were tough. Had very light contact but distant. Then I got a job locally. Text her to say so. She ignored me. Text her again and she ignored again. I took the hint and went NC (fully; deleted Facebook, never text her, called her, saw her or spoke to her friends etc). Dated new girls (some good some bad), progressed in my job, made new friends, joined new clubs. So far so good. Then late December she came back into my head.

 

I held off until xmas when I finally caved and just wished her a Merry Christmas. Surprisingly she messaged back with the same and saying she hoped I was doing well.

I didn't reply and left it until last week (not for any reason other than that I've been really busy with work and social life). Last week I sent her a quick text to ask how she was getting on and again to my surprise she replied. I left it until I had a couple of hours spare and called her. We chatted for ages and it was almost like there hadn't been the 4 months of NC. Chatted about my life, her life etc. She apologised to me for not being in touch and said she was all over the place at the moment...so much so that she had forgotten to meet her sister at the weekend! At the end I asked if she fancied getting a coffee after work (my current project is right around the corner from her house). She said that would be nice.

 

Next day (yesterday) she text to say she was really sorry but she forgot she had arranged to study with some friends that evening and would have to cancel.

 

I haven't replied to this yet.

 

So:

I know she is still single and hasn't been with anyone else since we broke up. I guess it's nice to know there was nobody else involved. Maybe it was just circumstances.

She will finish her studies in June.

 

I just want to know how I should proceed really. I know the obvious is "with caution". My life is pretty good and I'm fairly relaxed about it all and have no real expectations...I never even expected her to reply to my texts. That being said I know that I'd like her back.

 

So do I just stay casual for now and step it up in June when she's done? Should I just keep offering support here and there with her studies? Do I try to re-arrange the coffee date (I think it's a slightly bad sign she didn't suggest another date)?

 

Things I would be OK with:

Being friends until June and then getting back together,

Getting back together soon/now

Ending things permanently and going our separate ways (not a solution I necessarily want but one I'm OK with as is preferable to a constant grey area)

 

Things I'm not OK with:

Being her friend permanently and her introducing me to new boyfriends and the like,

Feeling like I killed off any future chances by pushing too hard now

 

I'm fine with making the effort here as I think she is worth it and I'm pretty sure I could handle it if she said that there was no chance of it going anywhere still. I don't want to be annoying though. She is clearly busy and stressed and I don't want to make things difficult for her.

I'm looking for the line between taking control, making the effort and being annoying. Not sure where it is though.

 

Any thoughts?

Thanks

Edited February 21, 2014 by r321148

[jackiechan]

You commented on my thread before so you know I'm not a relationship guru, here are my two cents anyway:

 

What makes her better than the "good" girls you've dated since breaking up?

 

If what you said is right, she hasn't dated since being with you, whereas you've tried a few options. So I'm thinking there must be something special about her. Running contrary to that though, she seems flaky and her reason isn't compelling, study? What about when she gets a stressful job? I think you need to be sure she does some self-improvement before subjecting yourself to that hot-cold ****.

 

From this very surface level, I'd say treat her like any other potential date. Holding out might make you lose out.

[r321148]

Thanks for the reply, much appreciated.

 

I do fully intend to just treat her like any other date and I am definitely not putting all my eggs in one basket... so to speak. All the time she is flakey I will keep seeing what's out there and if she misses out then that's her problem (not meaning to sound arrogant!!) If she ever decides to commit then I'll stop (as long as I haven't already moved on).

 

I really can't put my finger on exactly what was special about her....but there's definitely something. We had loads in common, wanted a lot of the same thing, had similar views on life, had good fun together and the chemistry was great....but it was more than that although I can't say what.

 

Yeah I've thought long and hard about her flakeyness and it generally isn't a good sign...but she does seem genuinely stressed and busy and has neglected almost all of her friends as well so it's not just me. She has to do placements alongside study so effectively has a job and has to study alongside....not a full excuse I know but I have actually been there before and it is very stressful and time consuming so I sympathise...although I am less flakey! There was also the issue before of me potentially leaving town for work, which now isn't a problem....although I have no idea yet whether that'll make a difference. To be honest with you I kind of see where she was coming from. Stress from uni and work and from caring for her dad. Me not knowing where I'm going to be based. I think she panicked.

Edited February 21, 2014 by r321148

[Simon Phoenix]

The fact that she did flaked out on her friends as well isn't a good thing for you. Flakiness is flakiness, whether it's across the board or just to you. Life is about being busy and the older you get, the busier you'll get. Is she going to throw you to the side every time life gets a bit stressful? That's a big red flag. It doesn't matter how busy a woman (or man) is, they'll make you a priority.

 

That being said, I'm not advising you to totally bounce here, because that'd fall on deaf ears anyway. But it seems like you are doing a lot more pushing for this than she is. I think you need to chill and let her lead. Let her set up a time to get coffee, let her initiate any text/phone conversations (but don't say on the line for very long, your time is valuable). I'd stop initiating except for casual invitations to fun, more group-like things ("Hey, a bunch of us are going to see this cool band at this bar Friday night. You should meet up, maybe bring some friends"). Otherwise, leave it to her to make the next move (or couple of moves). If she doesn't, you have your answer. And stay busy with other things in the meantime.

[r321148]

Thanks. Good advice really. I agree with you on the flakiness but I know from experience that it is something you can grow out of. I was pretty flaky myself in my late teens. Now I am kind of the opposite. I'm not saying she will but I still think panicking is preferable to there being someone else and for some reason it is a little comforting to know that I wasn't the only one she bailed on....sounds odd but it actually made me feel a bit better about myself.

That being said I am being very careful here. I don't think I'm going to fully invest until she does, although I am happy enough to chase a bit (like I would in the early stages of dating anyone). She is effectively a new person who I'd like to date and I'll treat her as such.

Staying busy is a given really. I go rock climbing, I play rugby, am training for a marathon and have some huge projects at work....plenty fulfilling really. I am at a stage where I don't need her but I do want her. We had a good thing and if there's a chance (even a small one) of reconnecting I'd like to see where it goes. I just want to maximise the chances of us getting back on track (although I don't have an expectation of that happening) and was just asking how best to go about that. I'm not interested in being friends with her unless it's for a short time and there is a good potential for it to progress when the timing is better....i.e June. So I need to make sure I avoid the friendzone too!

[r321148]

Part of it is the not knowing what to say is because English isn't my first language. I worry that things might get lost in translation and I know I need to tread a bit more carefully than if she was actually a new person....although I'm trying to treat her like she is. I live in the UK and she is English. I don't want to say the wrong thing when it is possible that all that's needed is some patience...

[r321148]

I've read a bit on these forums and there seems to be 2 schools of thought:

1) be alpha and take control. She's a new girl and should be treated that way.

2) Sit back and don't do anything until she does. She ended it so let her lead.

 

I guess my culture is more in favour of the first. I think us Danes like the Viking spirit still lol. But I've noticed a lot of people (friends in England) state second is best. It's interesting.

[David87]

She dumped you, that means she has to do all the work to get you back. What you're doing now will get you in the `friend zone` . Stop triyng so hard because she can sense that you're desperate .

[r321148]

2 texts and a phone call in almost 5 months is trying too hard and seeming desperate? Man I need to re-assess my approach with women!

[Zahara]

2 texts and a phone call in almost 5 months is trying too hard and seeming desperate? Man I need to re-assess my approach with women!

 

What you are failing to understand is that when someone tells you they don't want to be with you, accept that.

 

The responsibility of getting her back doesn't lie with you. She dumped you. She needs to win you back. She needs to regain your trust. You need to be the one deciding if she's even worthy. Not the other way around.

 

You initiating is desperate.

 

"So do I just stay casual for now and step it up in June when she's done? Should I just keep offering support here and there with her studies? Do I try to re-arrange the coffee date (I think it's a slightly bad sign she didn't suggest another date)?"

 

 

Please stop.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Zahara