SpiralOut Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 She is one of my closer friends, so I'm not asking if I should just say "goodbye!" or not. I think she is being passive-aggressive and I want to know how to deal with it. For example, I was in town visiting her one weekend. I don't know what I did to piss her off, if anything, but one morning when her roommate was gone she approached me to tell me what her boyfriend had said. He'd told her that I was a (my job title) so I probably didn't make much money. Okay that's true. But she already knew that, because I am pretty open about that. Why is she sharing this with me? And why was she discussing my finances with her boyfriend? In what way exactly is that any of their business? I stared at her for a long time before finally saying "yep that's true...." and then she said a bunch of stuff about how she had never understood that before. But how could she have not understood it before when I"D EXPLAINED IT ALREADY? And why do you need to get it, anyway? Would you walk up to your friend who works at Walmart and tell him you don't understand why he doesn't get paid much? No. That's not very nice. I didn't want her to know that she had gotten to me, so I acted like I wasn't bothered. I was really upset by it, though. Similar things have happened where she'll just out of nowhere ask me a sharply pointed question, or will tell me what someone said about me. It never used to happen that often, but I feel as though something weird happens every time I see her now. I want to confront her about some of these things, but is it too late now? She is a good fried in every other way. I just don't like how we never deal directly with each other when we're mad. I want to cut out this BS and just get her to tell me to my face exactly what is wrong instead of telling me in these roundabout "attacking" ways. I also want to have the guts to be more direct with her too. I totally suck at this though. What do I say to her?
jackiechan Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 It doesn't seem you need help articulating what to say, you said everything above. I think you just need to have tact and calmly say it. Maybe wait until she has a passive dig at you again, and instead of pretending it didn't bother you, ask her what she's getting, whether there is a larger problem, whether you two could agree to air things out more openly from now on. The main thing with confrontation, in my opinion, is to stay calm, talk slowly and consider everything before you speak. If she rapidly attacks you and has a problem with you taking your time, shrug it off, it's a show of her weakness.
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I want to confront her about some of these things, but is it too late now? She is a good fried in every other way. I just don't like how we never deal directly with each other when we're mad. I want to cut out this BS and just get her to tell me to my face exactly what is wrong instead of telling me in these roundabout "attacking" ways. I also want to have the guts to be more direct with her too. I totally suck at this though. What do I say to her? No confrontation. An honest talk from your heart and let her know that sometimes she upsets you and some of the stuff she asks about or comments on gets to you. Tell her i'd prefer you to directly speak to me about my life and stuff rather than go behind your back. You can talk to her without having an argument or heated discussion. The "my feelings get hurt" is how to handle this because she won't poo poo you when you're opening up. At least I should hope not. 1
freestyle Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I saw a saying recently, that I think would apply to this post--- "Instead of telling me what they said behind my back, tell me why they were so comfortable saying it to you...." It strikes me that a true friend would shut people down, when they gossip about you....'Hey---Spiral Out isn't here to defend herself right now, it's not fair to talk about her..." That's what I would hope for, from a friend. 3
Author SpiralOut Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 (edited) thank you . . . well it hurt me that she would discuss my income with other people like that. She doesn't usually gossip. I found it odd that she told me to my face that she had done it. I guess she saw nothing wrong with it, but to me that's private. It makes me also wonder if she was complaining about me? Trying to find something wrong with me? I can't imagine someone asking her about it. She must have brought it up herself, which makes me suspicious. we mostly only text unless we are visiting. she's been spending holidays with her boyfriend lately though, so I don't know if I would get a chance to talk to her alone at Easter. Hmmm. I will try to find out if I can, and if not then I'll try for a phone conversation. Edited February 22, 2014 by SpiralOut
Tayla Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 The OP 's friend needs a reminder to hold tongue and address things more diplomatically . Trust your instincts ,they are dead on most times, in folks character. Nip this before it worsens.
writergal Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 SpiralOut; the crux of your friendship problem with this friend is that neither of you ever directly tell the other when you're pissed off or have concerns. Well, what's stopping you? I said this to another poster in the Friendship forum and so I'll repeat myself: just tell your friend the truth. Be honest with her. What have you got to lose? I really don't get why people dance around telling each other the truth because as far as I see it, all that dancing around just causes more problems. If more people were direct with each other and told the truth, there'd be less problems in the world.
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