jackiechan Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Hey, this is my first post, so hello and thanks in advance for any input. The plot: My girlfriend and I have been together over 7 years, we used to talk about marriage and houses and families, we live together and have some pets. I'm 25, she's 24, so we grew up together and have never been apart during those 7 years. I went away for 6 weeks and she became distant almost straight away, I thought this was just explainable stress, but when I returned she drip fed me the truth. She cheated on me with a guy she had a crush on when she was 15. She said she liked being 'independent', she apologised, she said it meant nothing, wasn't great (though enjoyable and she mentioned that she had an orgasm..), she was attracted to this guy because he is out-going, more social and into BMX. She also developed an eating problem, chucking up food and obsessed with her weight. She says she feels numb and she's deferred her university degree to work full-time because she doesn't feel motivated to finish it. It's obvious to me that she is depressed, insecure and unsure about her future. I think because of all that, she isn't really pleading for the relationship to go back to normal, and I feel like it's all my fault that she cheated in the first place - yet at the same time I have this tremendous feeling of being hard-done-by in not getting a proper apology. I could go on for ages with detail, but I'll leave it there. I would like to know if anyone has stuck with a similar situation and had their relationship come good? I am obviously insecure (does this guy have a bigger dick? ) and somewhat un-trusting of her, but I feel that will pass, I just want to get your take on whether she really wants another shot or if it would be best to move on.
chelsea2011 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 (edited) The best advice I can give is stop the madness of having another shot and start focusing on your own life moving on. Its hard when you feel betrayed, I know. It leaves a scar that is really hard to heal. Even when you feel like you're moving past it something happens to trigger it and you feel the pain insecurity it caused all over again. It totally sucks. At least you got some of the truth right? I got zip and I finally had to stop the madness. I couldn't take the triggers anymore and they were getting worse not better. I started to dislike the person I was becoming. Something silly and harmless like him telling someone else jokingly he wouldn't throw them under the bus triggered me! I sat there thinking, "but you threw me under the bus in the worst way. ???!" I couldn't take it anymore. A friendship relationship what have you cannot heal and progress without honesty. You can't sweep a betrayal under the carpet and think everything is going to be okay. Especially one of the magnitude I endured. It doesn't work that way. Not if you value the friendship or relationship anyway. I've finally learned that lesson in a very hard way. I also learned there was no point in telling him either because he would still try to shovel me and my feelings right back under that dirty carpet again. My advice is move on and make yourself number one priority. If you don't no one else will either. Edited February 21, 2014 by chelsea2011
r321148 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 It is possible to forgive and get past cheating. Relationships can and do recover from it....but it isn't easy! I'd say in your case that the lack of a proper apology is a pretty bad sign. She needs to show you that she really regrets it and can give you assurances that it won't happen again. Even then the biggest part is down to you....can you forgive her? Can you forget this and wipe the slate clean without it hanging over you? That is hard to do but is possible. If you can't though then you won't be happy in the relationship and that is what you need to be thinking of....your own happiness. I say this having had a previous girlfriend cheat. After 2 years together she did it and I gave her a second chance. 2 months later she did it again. I gave her a 3rd chance and then 2 months later....she did it again. I was young at the time, although I don't necessarily regret giving her the chances. We had some good times (in the parts where she wasn't cheating on me!!) and I'll always know that I gave the relationship my best shot. Good luck
kjackson1 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Wasn't great? Yet she enjoyed it and she orgasmed. Seems contradictory to me. Do you think this was planned? Can you forgive her? Can you trust her? I'd say run like the wind
Author jackiechan Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 kjackson: It must have been ok, but an orgasm doesn't mean great. The sex was completely planned, she was in contact with him for a couple weeks and she described her feelings as a "crush" for him... r321148: I think I can forgive her. I've thought of cheating before, I've never had a specific crush before though. So I feel like I know how she was feeling and I'm prepared to work for our relationship. I just feel like she has left me with a gaping wound that needs attention now, and we can get to the rest once the situation isn't so fatal. Thanks for the advice so far, it's really helping.
r321148 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 You thought of cheating but didn't. She thought of cheating and did. That's quite a big difference. I think you're right in your approach. Take some time and space and reflect. Think about what you really want and whether you really can forgive her and forget this. You need to do what's right for you. If you think honestly and logically and decide it's her you want, then you need to decide if you can trust her. Is this a temporary one off bad patch or is it a hint at something more seriously wrong with your relationship? She sounds like she has some issues as well. Eating disorders are pretty serious and maybe she should be getting some help? All the time she is in this bad place it's unlikely to work between you (been there too). So it sounds like she needs some time and space as well. I'm all for working for relationships and giving people chances but just make sure you don't let your own happiness suffer and don't get taken for a ride.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Personally, the moment someone cheats on me they are done forever, no exceptions. I value loyalty more and if she knows she can get away with it with little to no punishment, what's going to stop her from doing it again? I personally would never trust this person again. But let's say for whatever reason you are willing to give this girl another chance. If you do, you completely have to forgive her for it and show unfailing trust in her. If you are harboring any sort of hurt feelings or resentment (which would be completely justified), it's not going to work. If you find yourself having to check up on her constantly out of lack of trust, it's not going to work. If you are worried every time you see her talking to another guy, it's not going to work. You'll be even more miserable than you were when you found out that she cheated. Personally, I think this is a situation where you should bail, but ultimately, it's up to you. 5
No Limit Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 It's not your fault she cheated on you. In a relationship you're not supposed to have an extra collar for your partner. Other than that, I'd say run. She's obviously having mental 'troubles' already; she even declares the ability to screw whoever she wants as her personal 'independence'. (Shaming everyone who fought during the American Revolution, but that's just my own opinion. ) You'll not be happy with her. And she won't either, clearly she didn't progress, which isn't your fault, but there are people who have to learn the hard way, on their own.
Author jackiechan Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Oddly, I do trust her. I agree she needs help, but I am not going to stick around and parent her out of her problems (might sound harsh, but I am not up for it). So, I've made a decision, I will give it a go. But the success or failure will depend on how well she is able to get herself help and rebuild our relationship. I won't be idle, but the first move is hers. I love what we have together, how good friends we are, I think I owe it a chance. Thanks for the conversation
Tayla Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 You thought of cheating but didn't. She thought of cheating and did. That's quite a big difference. I think you're right in your approach. Take some time and space and reflect. Think about what you really want and whether you really can forgive her and forget this. You need to do what's right for you. If you think honestly and logically and decide it's her you want, then you need to decide if you can trust her. Is this a temporary one off bad patch or is it a hint at something more seriously wrong with your relationship? She sounds like she has some issues as well. Eating disorders are pretty serious and maybe she should be getting some help? All the time she is in this bad place it's unlikely to work between you (been there too). So it sounds like she needs some time and space as well. I'm all for working for relationships and giving people chances but just make sure you don't let your own happiness suffer and don't get taken for a ride. Only going to comment on the bolded statement- No , zero , zip relations work if you think that forgetting is part of the deal. You should remember that time, its a learning experience. Let it be forgotten and you are just setting yourself up for more heartache . I am NOT saying to toss it back at them, I am saying, Do not forget the scenario, its a chance to gain wisdom in some form or another. I refuse to forget that which I gained such wisdom from........hated, with a passion that I was cheated on, yet I refuse to forget the lessons I gained by learning how low people can go to get their "needs" met. I take awhile to forgive, yet I do not forget, it defeats the purpose . 1
r321148 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Well I guess that was lost in translation (not native English speaker). Forget it: i.e. move on, don't dwell on it, don't keep bringing it up, don't use it everytime you have an argument. Keeping it in mind will just bring bitterness and resentment. What's the point in playing it over and over and over again in your head? It's done and it can't be undone. Obviously agree with what you say.... Don't forget the lessons and if she does it again then it's curtains. OP: sounds like a good decision. She needs to help herself first and then you two can see where you stand. That'll give you the best shot. If/when she is in a better place you can talk it out and decide how best to proceed....who knows you could decide in the coming weeks/months that you are happier without her anyway then it's all moot really. Good luck. Hope you find happiness
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