Dating 1 year, living together 6 months. Work togerher but breaking up. How?! [long]

[LoveAtWork]

Hello all. I've been lurking on the forum since February 5th-ish reading the stories of others and appreciating the candid and sometimes excruciatingly blunt advice. My question is not "Should I break up?" but how to amicably break up a complicated situation. Not only do I work with her, I live with her too (for the last 6 months). Any advice is certainly appreciated and I'll actively monitor and respond to the thread.

 

She's mid-20's, I'm early 30's and we met at work. Different departments but we work fairly close together due to the projects I work on and what she does. I had worked there for maybe 30 days when there was a work function and alcohol got the best of us (well, me) and one thing led to another and we were out the back door doing our own thing. We hung out quite often since that day and were soon dating. Talked to management about it (we both work directly with the exec team so we weren't going to try to hide anything), signed an agreement disclosing it and went on our merry way.

 

A bit of brief background on myself, because I think it's relevant, is that I had been out of a 5+ year relationship for 8-ish months prior meeting who I'm with now. We had a very up and down relationship but I learned a ton from her (I was mid-20's and she was early 30's, total role reversal) and I don't regret the time spent. She left because I wouldn't propose to her and while it would be a different post to go in to that, I was super emo about it. For the first couple weeks crying fits in the place we shared were regular occurrences. More than anything, I missed the companionship and someone having my back and vice versa. It was tough to say the least. We also had a lot of mutual friends that I felt like I also lost because I just couldn't see them. I've since reconnected with the ones that mattered and I even talk to her some on a friendship level but it was hard for a good period of time and I buried myself in my work to keep my mind off of it.

 

Back to the present, 6 months in to the relationship, things are pretty good. We're affectionate, passionate, do things together, don't really argue and all the other key phrases you'd want to hear. One night, in a throw of passion (and because my lease was ending) a "move in" discussion came up and I moved in shortly thereafter.

 

When we lived separately, we went out and did a lot together. That seemed to change when the living situation changed. It seems like we got lazier because we didn't have to date or court anymore, the hard part was over. It also became more domesticated but not in the traditional sense where we share responsibilities, but where I am literally doing the overwhelming majority the work. When I say that, I promise I'm not exaggerating it. I cook all the time (I love to cook but for fun, not when it's expected of me), do almost all of the dishes, a ton of laundry, clean the floors, vacuum and take care of the cats litter boxes (multiple). I am sorry that sounds whiny but it's been true for the last 6 months. I've discussed taking a more balanced approach with her twice before and she indicated that she told me early on that she didn't do that kind of stuff except only once and a while or when people were coming over and it just wasn't her style. I guess I thought [hoped] she was joking. She wasn't and I guess I didn't pick up on it prior to moving in (except for the fact that human size piles of clean laundry in the closet is and has always been a common sight). She cleans the living room and bathroom occasionally but in terms of hours spent on this kind of stuff it's so off balance and I can't help but resent it.

 

Our sex life also changed when we moved in together. You would have thought it would have gotten better because it was pretty good to start but it's like we come home after work, I get started on my chores (as I put it), she hangs out and watches TV until dinner is ready (most of the week, not all of it) and then we eat. After eating, I typically have to work a bit to get something overseas prior to their workday or prep for the next day. I come to bed and I WISH sex was the first thing on my mind but instead it's sleep. She's made it clear sex is a daily activity for her and we've been monthly for the past 2 months so I know that's not going to work long term. I'm sure most guys would be drooling and super excited to hear their girl say that but I'm just not with her.

 

To try to wrap this up a bit (I'm sorry this is so long), I've learned over the past year that we're not compatible on a long term basis and I don't see myself proposing. After reading advice on this forum, I knew I shouldn't spring it on her. I was going to talk to her this week however instead she noticed something was up after she thought we were going out for V-Day but instead I had planned something at home. She definitely wanted to go out, I didn't. I felt like V-Day was a farce and I was a fake ******* but I couldn't break up on that day.. no way. I still got her a gift she liked and didn’t cheap out because of the situation but it wasn't a "romantic" gift. Due to not going out, she wanted to know what was up and that led to a fairly candid discussion on the fact that I didn't think I could be in a relationship right now which made her angry, emotional and specifically made a comment about me taking my two cats which she didn't like. It crushed my spirit as well. We both shared tears. Instead of taking the opportunity to confirm her statement of "Well if you want to move out you should move out" I didn't say a whole lot and she ended it herself with "Ok so we agree to work on it." I didn't have the backbone to say anything but knew in my heart that it wasn't going to work.

 

If no contact was a possibility, I could see us moving past this and possibly becoming friends some day. However, since we work together and neither of us are going anywhere, no contact is not an option. I think we could work out a 2 week no contact and I would do my best to stay on one side of the office and try to genuinely make my presence less however any longer than that and projects are going to suffer. I can work around her but it will be really noticeable and not really the best route. It really sucks to think about this and I really hope she can be professional at work. I know I can, but there's an immaturity there that I worry about. She's a cool girl and the adjustment is going to be tough for me as well because we do spend a huge amount of time together or at least near each other but I know she will meet someone and I take some time to work on my happiness before trying to make someone else happy in the future.

 

As far as household matters, we don't really share anything and I'm not on the lease or any paperwork so there's nothing to do in that respect.. It's really just trying to be sensitive to her feelings and really try to keep a decent working relationship. Something I fear may be incredibly difficult to do. Thank you for reading.

 

TL;DR - Dating for a year, living together for 6 months. Work together. Decided I am not in the right space for a relationship and don't see myself proposing and being early 30's it's not like I can sit around and waste anyone's time. I don't know how to break up but still be able to work with her as we do interact on projects. She won't be "crushed" if we break up, but she'll be pissed and hurt for I don't know how long. I don’t know how to break up when no contact is impossible and we have to work together.

[newmoon]

I was in a similar situation, we worked together 3 years and dated the whole time, but he - in the end - just didn't want to be with me. it's a very rare instance where people who have dated/split can work together amicably, even if they are in slightly different departments. I had to look for a transfer to another department because we thought we could be friendly at work, but we just couldn't, and others could see the tension/conflict. I left the department for another. don't kid yourself that you'll be exception and the workplace will stay all happy-go-lucky after a breakup.

 

 

when I see posts like yours (well written and emotional) I ask myself: why can't you just print the post and show it to your partner? your message pretty much says it all, and you have to be honest with someone; if you cannot do it verbally just show them the post, have them read it, and go from there. since you *know* you won't be proposing to her just tell her something along those lines - I don't see a future with you. there is no good way to breakup with someone. but killing time with her and not doing it will just make it worse for you both, and get you further involved. be honest and upfront. my ex was actually a nice guy when he ended it, very honest, let me ask thousands of questions, was open to communicating, but all with the understanding he didn't want it to continue. I think any woman (or man) would enjoy being told the truth and just hearing why it isn't working. especially since you guys aren't young kids anymore.

 

 

and.. just my opinion, but there is usually an unequal distribution of 'chores' in a household, but you can't keep score (with her or anyone else) because that does make you resentful. and you're likely bottling it up instead of actually talking it through with her and making changes. communication. good luck.

[LoveAtWork]

I was in a similar situation, we worked together 3 years and dated the whole time, but he - in the end - just didn't want to be with me. it's a very rare instance where people who have dated/split can work together amicably, even if they are in slightly different departments. I had to look for a transfer to another department because we thought we could be friendly at work, but we just couldn't, and others could see the tension/conflict. I left the department for another. don't kid yourself that you'll be exception and the workplace will stay all happy-go-lucky after a breakup.

 

Thank you for your very insightful response, I appreciate it. I'd agree that we won't be the exception I just hope that we can be amicable. Doesn't even have to be friendly, although that'd be nice, I will settle for professional. I will do my best to try to ensure there is no tension.

 

when I see posts like yours (well written and emotional) I ask myself: why can't you just print the post and show it to your partner? your message pretty much says it all, and you have to be honest with someone; if you cannot do it verbally just show them the post, have them read it, and go from there. since you *know* you won't be proposing to her just tell her something along those lines - I don't see a future with you. there is no good way to breakup with someone. but killing time with her and not doing it will just make it worse for you both, and get you further involved. be honest and upfront. my ex was actually a nice guy when he ended it, very honest, let me ask thousands of questions, was open to communicating, but all with the understanding he didn't want it to continue. I think any woman (or man) would enjoy being told the truth and just hearing why it isn't working. especially since you guys aren't young kids anymore.

 

The idea of printing the post and showing it to her is absolutely an interesting one, but I will take the tact of talking it through. I am 100% ready to give her any amount of support she needs through this whether she wants a little or a lot but it's clear in my mind that it cannot continue. I do want nothing more than to be honest with her and I'll answer whatever questions she has. I just don't want to unnecessarily hurt or bruise her ego, which is already going to take a hit. I do care about her, but I know I won't propose and I'm not willing to give it any more time due to my age and the fact that I need to take some time to be happy before I can make someone else happy.

 

and.. just my opinion, but there is usually an unequal distribution of 'chores' in a household, but you can't keep score (with her or anyone else) because that does make you resentful. and you're likely bottling it up instead of actually talking it through with her and making changes. communication. good luck.

 

Agreed here. I don't mind shouldering the brunt of it, but it bothers me when we get home from work and she gets to relax and I'm the one busting my butt day in and day out with work and the chores. My last relationship was super fair because we talked it over and divided and conquered (which gave US more time together). Without diving and conquering, it takes longer and I don't have the time, energy or drive to do anything after that.

 

Thanks again for your reply, I really appreciate it.

[d0nnivain]

Polite is the key word here.

 

 

Can she afford this place on her own if you move out?

 

 

If so, get a line on a new place for yourself. Sit her down & calmly tell her this isn't working out. Don't pick a fight. Don't give specifics about what you don't like about her. If pressed just say she's too much for you in the bedroom or something else self deprecating.

 

 

Tell her you like her & that you hope you can still work together harmoniously but that you think it would be best if you ended the relationship & you moved out. Ask her when it would be convenient for her to move out.

 

 

In short, make this as physically easy for her as possible. Do not blame her (Because you don't want to give her any reason to be mad or vindictive at work).

[LoveAtWork]

Polite is the key word here.

 

Can she afford this place on her own if you move out?

 

If so, get a line on a new place for yourself. Sit her down & calmly tell her this isn't working out. Don't pick a fight. Don't give specifics about what you don't like about her. If pressed just say she's too much for you in the bedroom or something else self deprecating.

 

Yes, although previously she had mentioned how nice it was to have someone else helping. Something I left out of the original post since it was so long is that we live with her brother as well. 2 bedroom apartment, myself, her and her brother. He's 2 years younger and we're cool.. he's level headed, etc., so there will still be the both of them remaining here. I find some comfort in the fact she won't be coming home to an empty place.

 

Tell her you like her & that you hope you can still work together harmoniously but that you think it would be best if you ended the relationship & you moved out. Ask her when it would be convenient for her to move out.

 

Never thought about asking her when it was convenient to move, interesting. I do have alternate accommodations lined up.

 

In short, make this as physically easy for her as possible. Do not blame her (Because you don't want to give her any reason to be mad or vindictive at work).

 

Agreed. Thanks a lot for your post and advice, calm and honest is the approach I'm going to take and hold. That's always how it starts, we'll see how it goes.