Silverapathy Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 How often do you see your lover? From an earlier post, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am going to end a 5 yr. A with MOM because I feel I'm no longer getting enough attention from him. We used to see each other every few days, teasing that both of us get a case of the "shakes" after 4 days. We have (work situations and demographics changed a bit) now settled for coffee on Mondays for about 1/2 hr and some generic texts throughout the day. If he was no longer interested, I would hope he's honest about it but given we r in an A to begin with, trust isn't something I have in him. Especially because I'm feeling discarded. Ever go through phases? How do you get past them?
Zebra Queen Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm with my now dMM now, but I will answer your questions as they related to when I was his OW. When we were together, first in a EA (though I didn't know that term), progressing quickly to a PA, at the very beginning we saw each other several times a week. We worked together at first, our jobs brought us into a lot of contact which is how the EA started. Later, we saw each other once a week, which tapered off near the end to once every two weeks or so. You aren't getting enough attention from him as his AP, and it's good that you see that, it means that you need to do some thinking about what you want, I know I did. In my case, due a large part to guilt and also truly wanting what was best for my then MM, I left the situation for him to work things out with his then W. (They were having issues, before me, yet I wanted them to be done if they were to without me, or make it without my interference). We got together again after his divorce, which left me feel less guilty, more i tune with who I was and at least I knew they gave it an honest shot complete with MC. To get through phases I talked to friends (a few knew what was going on), tried to imagine my life without him and eventually left. I have a friend right now going through a non affair R and she told me today how she was unhappy and the many reasons why, I gave her the same think about what you really want, assess if you may need to leave the relationship advice. Maybe ask yourself what you'd tell a friend in this case, then follow your own advice. 3
clairbear Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Not phases as such but I do notice that we are close for a few weeks, plenty of contact and see each other as much is possible, he then seems to back off with little or no contact- one of us will reach out and so it begins again. I can almost sense when he is backing off but never challenge him on it, I know I should tho because it is wrecking my head :-(
bentleychic Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 We see each other 1-2x a week. We talk on the phone 5-6 days a week and text throughout the day 7 days a week, normally ending with a 1-2 hour or more text chat at the end of the night.
SugarHibiscus Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 (edited) We see each other every weekend in "mixed company". We carve out some alone time every other weekend. For example, I'm meeting him for lunch tomorrow. We'll split for a couple of hours and then meet again for dinner with our SO. In the Fall, we started meeting each other a few times a week but our SO started to get suspicious. We cut back to once a week alone and now are at every other week alone. It's been so cold though. It's a pain in the neck to come up with excuses to get out of the house alone. We talk and text every day. ETA: Sometimes we see each other more than once a week. This week, I also saw him on Tuesday but we weren't alone. I feel like that doesn't count. Edited February 22, 2014 by SugarHibiscus
glow worm Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 CM and I see each other 1-2 times per week normally. Usually once per week for bedroom stuff and once a week we go out for breakfast or lunch, or for a swim at the beach. It's not as much as either of us would like, but I think that's one of the things for me that makes the relationship exciting, the fact that we are always craving more because we can never get quite enough of each other as we ideally would want.
LilGirlandOW Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Now that I'm out of my affair fog, I answer this question with disgust.... We worked together 5 days a week, side by side, calls and texts daily when not at work, met up outside of work most days for at least a little time together, texted from morning till the late hours of night, like a lot of texts, constantly. I love him, just wish I could rewrite history. 2
Author Silverapathy Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Appreciate the input. I was curious if I am getting hosed and getting the short straw on the A thing from MOM! Reality is that we have been each other FWB but some strings attached. We're both pretty good at compartmentalizing however I have totally fallen! We don't do public things, I have no idea what his SO looks like; we've kept it very anonymous all things considered! We never even text or call or address each other by our given names; it's always a nickname! I've kept up for almost 5 years and I am feeling (& being reassured by your experiences/answers here) that I am is toy and he, is not willing to give me more play time that I seek. How pathetic that i can see it so clearly but can't go NC? Oh so confused!
EverySunset Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Now that I'm out of my affair fog, I answer this question with disgust.... We worked together 5 days a week, side by side, calls and texts daily when not at work, met up outside of work most days for at least a little time together, texted from morning till the late hours of night, like a lot of texts, constantly. I love him, just wish I could rewrite history. why with disgust? I'm very interested... As a lot of my patterns seem to be right behind yours..
Realist3 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 We see each other about 5 times a week in public(not one on one) for about 15-20 minutes. We see each other intimately once or twice a month for a couple of hours depending on circumstances. Message each other daily all throughout the day.
Realist3 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 CM and I see each other 1-2 times per week normally. Usually once per week for bedroom stuff and once a week we go out for breakfast or lunch, or for a swim at the beach. It's not as much as either of us would like, but I think that's one of the things for me that makes the relationship exciting, the fact that we are always craving more because we can never get quite enough of each other as we ideally would want. We did this too initially but it became far too predictable and dangerous. People are creatures of routine and habit. Thankfully, we smartened up before the PI was hired. We would have been easy pickins. Same places same times every single week for months. Since we changed our routine the 'craving more' has definitely made the relationship much more exciting. 2
txgrl Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Realist I may be mixing you with someone else but didn't you end your A? I thought you were an xOM/W?
glow worm Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 How pathetic that i can see it so clearly but can't go NC? Oh so confused! Silver, I don't have any amazing wise advice for you but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't pathetic. Many others find themselves in this type of emotional conundrum too. Most of the time I'm fairly content with my relationship with CM, but from time to time I've also felt the way you have and, I suppose, my feelings for him run too deep after 4 years to want to go NC. 1
bentleychic Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 we've kept it very anonymous all things considered! We never even text or call or address each other by our given names; it's always a nickname! This makes me very sad for you. I hope you can find your way out. You DO deserve better than that.
Realist3 Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Realist I may be mixing you with someone else but didn't you end your A? I thought you were an xOM/W? We have gone through a couple of 'breaks' with limited contact, but eventually resumed. The latest being in December when she agreed to go to MC. Currently I would say the A is transitioning in a different direction than it had in the past. Not really sure where it is going. She won't talk about the counseling much, but I get the sense that my biggest fear out of MC is starting to come to fruition; she realizes it just isn't going to work out with her H.
Author Silverapathy Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Nice supportive words from all! In the 5 years we've never tried NC so I'm nervous anxious and scared. Though these last few months it's been hard connecting to one another (earlier comment about his life changing because he's now needed, where he wasn't really before (kids)) but this weekend I've heard nothing from him. It's unusual and I'm feeling discarded. We've never argued or fought (what's to fight about when we have 8 hrs of sex once a month! Lol!) but it's almost like he's going NC without telling me. Time is right.... I just need the strength to do it!
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