edgygirl Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 (edited) When is the right time to have the talk with someone? I know there is no "typical" in these matters, but what seems right? I've been on 8 dates during the last month with someone, intimate for 2, and we have one more planned this weekend. So far so good and I'm excited. I'm not sure yet I want to be exclusive, but the thing is now it is bothering me to think he might be seeing/contacting/meeting other people. How to handle this weird spot? When is it appropriate to talk? Edited February 21, 2014 by edgygirl
TheyCallMeOx Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 No need to tell me "if the guy doesn't know right away, he's not the one for you". I am not a teenager/20s anymore and these days I believe in love that evolves and grows. Any thoughts? I'm feeling so weird. I'm a little bit concerned because I don't really understand your perspective on love. I know I'm only 23 years old and had one meaningful relationship, but I just don't think that it takes that long for someone to realize they have feelings for someone. From what I gather, you believe that every man starts out with 0 points and earns a point every time they have a compatibility with you. Even if the first date was an amazing night and you just completely felt like you could be around with the dude and everything...that's basically a limited amount of points. 8 dates and still no exclusivity, that's questionable. From my personal experience, first dates and second dates make a great impression on the over-all perception of the relationship. Even though I've been heart broken, I'm not going to go on 8 or so dates and still wonder how I feel. I've experienced love before. I'll know what I feel when I feel it. Just because my first meaningful relationship only lasted 2 and a half years doesn't mean that it wasn't love. If I experience 8 dates and still not sure, then either: we didn't talk orwe didn't do anything If we don't talk enough, then we're not communicating enough. If I'm really interested in knowing more about someone, then I'm gonna ask them questions and we're gonna talk about each other. If I'm unsure after the 8th date, then it seems like something is holding me back. Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm still not over a past meaningful partner? Maybe I've developed a lack of trust with the opposite sex? Maybe I got some things going on in my head? Or maybe she's just not physically attractive and I'm trying really hard to see past that? There could be anything. But I don't believe that it's some sudden realization that "oh crap...I love her." I think that you develop feelings for someone at a quick rate, and then it becomes a matter of...is he/she worth the risk? To me, it just seems like you're weighing your options. You're developing feelings for the dude, you want exclusivity, you might get upset that he's pursuing other women because of jealousy, and now you might be feeling like you don't know the dude enough. Maybe I'm wrong. Regardless of whether I'm wrong or right, there is never a wrong time to communicate how you feel about anything. You can't bull**** with emotions. It's always good to let them know how you feel, and then you can make decisions on the future based on that. If he doesn't want to be exclusive, then...this is where we're going to differ in opinions, but I BELIEVE that it's an indication that he doesn't have enough feelings about you then you feel about him. If that's the case, it can play a major role in failed relationships, regardless of how much or how little you claim to know about him.
Weezy1973 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 When is the right time to have the talk with someone? I know there is no "typical" in these matters, but what seems right? I've been on 8 dates during the last month with someone, intimate for 2, and we have one more planned this weekend. So far so good and I'm excited. I'm not sure yet I want to be exclusive, but the thing is now it is bothering me to think he might be seeing/contacting/meeting other people. How to handle this weird spot? When is it appropriate to talk? I think that once you want to be exclusive, that is the right time to start talking about exclusivity. In my mind, exclusive dating is kind of the 'in between' stage. You're past dating (where you might be dating other people), but you're not in a full blown relationship either. And that makes it awkward and nerve racking. But yes, if the thought of him dating others makes you queasy - definitely time to bring it up. After all, openness and honesty are a great foundation to build a relationship on...good luck! 1
mortensorchid Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I am thinking the same things as you right now. Although truth be told I am rethinking about a lot of things in my life right now, my future in the love department included in it. But I know that feeling. I hope you make the right decision. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I generally talk about exclusivity before having sex. Since you are already having sex, any time would be OK. Just think about what you are going to do if he says he doesn't want to be exclusive at this point.
Gaeta Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 It's the right time when you feel it's the right time. My boyfriend initiated the talk with me on our 3rd date. I was so into him I said YES. Previously to meet him I had a man mention exclusivity to me again on our 3rd date and I reacted: Are you out of your mind!!! lol. He should know by now if he's into you or not. 2
BC1980 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Big mistake by having sex before establishing exclusivity. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not going to help you if you want a relationship as your end goal. I'm not a proponent of having "the talk" per se. It sounds so serious, and there's so much pressure. I have always let it come about naturally. I never sat anyone down for the sole purpose of establishing exclusivity. From my point of view, a guy should make that move without a woman having to ask. If he hasn't already, it's not a very good sign unfortunately. I know it sounds a little old fashioned, but guys really do seem to like to take the lead on this one. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Big mistake by having sex before establishing exclusivity. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not going to help you if you want a relationship as your end goal. I agree. You're telling him you're cool with having sex without exclusivity. But now you're feeling that you're NOT cool with it. From my point of view, a guy should make that move without a woman having to ask. If he hasn't already, it's not a very good sign unfortunately. I know it sounds a little old fashioned, but guys really do seem to like to take the lead on this one. I agree. I always let the man bring up exclusivity. And I don't think it's old fashioned. It's human nature, the simple truth. If he really likes you, he'll wanna lock it down. Period. If I were in your situation, I would stop having sex with him, and if he asks why, tell him I'm not comfortable having sex without knowing we're exclusive. This isn't ideal, because then he might agree to it just to keep having sex with you, and you won't know his real intentions. But if you're not feeling good about continuing to have sex without exclusivity, just don't do it anymore.
xxoo Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm not sure yet I want to be exclusive, but the thing is now it is bothering me to think he might be seeing/contacting/meeting other people. Just tell him exactly this. Ask him how feels about the topic. 1
theediblewoman Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Before I slept with most if my boyfriends, I told them if we're sleeping together I expect exclusivity and a clean std test! You could just say " I think since we're sleeping together now we should talk about exclusivity. I don't like to sleep with more than one person at a time and I don't really feel comfortable with my partners sleeping with others either.i don't know if we're ready for bf/gf labels but this is a rule I have for myself,does that work for you? " Yes=proceed no=get the f*ck out! 1
mammasita Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I agree that with sex comes exclusivity.... at least in my book. I don't get why you'd want to sleep with someone and wonder after the fact if you're exclusive or not. Ok, I admit in my younger years I'd have jumped the gun too so I'm not judging. All you can do at this point is bring it up. ....you say you're not sure though so definitely figure that out first. 1
Phantom888 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 When you mean "intimate" do you mean sex? As stated above, sex implies exclusivity unless you are with a "player" who pretends to be ignorant about it so that he can cheat without consequences. Decent men assumes exclusivity when there is sex involved, without the need to talk about it. If you have to have the talk, you do it before sex so that there is no guessing. Why complicate things???? Do you want to be sleeping with someone who "might" be sleeping with others? NO THANK YOU.
Tayken Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Don't forget to use protection...hopefully you did. Nobody likes the.... SURPRISE
Author edgygirl Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Thanks everyone! I totally forgot I posted this although this thing has been eating me. While I understand people who prefer commitment before sex, I am not capable of deciding on committing myself before knowing if it feels right in bed, so that's a "problem" I have. We see each other 2-3 times a week. We do all things bf/gf do, and enjoy each other's company a lot. We've been on 14 dates or so now and still no talk coming from his side... Ugh. I know I know he's getting all he wants why commit, right? I disappeared on him on the weekend and he seemed to get anxious about it. I think I am finally falling for him. Because I'm on the older side (clock totally ticking and almost exploding), he might be weary to commit and dive into it as he told me he wants a couple of kids. Who knows. It is annoying me that it might happen that --I-- will have to be the one to bring up that convo. In that sense I'm a little old fashioned, I think it should come from the guy.
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