"Sure we're soulmates....just met at the wrong time", she says

January 20, 2005

My girlfriend of 6 years broke off from me after i found out that she had been seeing someone else. We were fine before, and we're planning to get married except the last year my energy was low, we fought and felt trapped, and I made a routine of our lives and didnt take her out much. When i found out she had been cheating on me, I wasn't angry (before I had an anger management problem) and told her that we should put it behind us and try and continue. I had begun to change in just a week, and she even told me so. But in the end even after taking her out, pampering her and buying her great birthday presents and a dress - she told me "It just doesnt feel the same" and that night she told me, we broke up but spoke extensively in tears for three hours in the car.

I can accept if she has fallen out of love with me,, but several things really get to me until today (its been about 10 days since). Firstly when I told her that since this happened, we can't be soulmates, she quickly said "No, no...i think we are still soulmates but maybe we just met too early (or the wrong time cant remember which one it was). The second is that she said "Maybe our paths would cross again..." I said "u think so?" and she said "DO YOU WANT TO SET A DATE" . Now what the F--- is that about? I of course said no. But now 10 days later, it lingers and i wonder why she said that. Did she plan to get back tgether? Did she think I was the one, but she wanted to go have her last bit of fun? My mother (who was close to her), thinks that she cant live with the guilt for now. She has been unbelievably loyal all these years. Bear in mind that we both cried and hugged as intensively as each other as we said our goodbyes.

Sometimes I think I was too easy on her after she cheated on me, giving her gifts and stuff (for the way I've been) that that kinda pushed her away. Anyway if anybody can tell me what they think about her question about setting a date means psychologically, that might help. Thanks.

January 20, 2005

"You cheating whore, here have a dress and some cool birthday presents." WTF?

January 20, 2005

I know...makes me think now. But basically i think what i was trying to get across to her was "Yeah i know the relationship has been bad this last year, lets make it better.....) i think. It was kind of like I knew i had neglected her. Basically i was torn between being angry at her for cheating on me or angry at myself for neglecting her all year round.

January 20, 2005

Originally posted by Broken3112
i think what i was trying to get across to her was "Yeah i know the relationship has been bad this last year, lets make it better

And what she heard was "there are no reprecussions for being unfaithful to me, only rewards." I would be willing to bet that she lost pretty much all respect for you as a man at that point. Women will not respect you as they wipe their feet on you. She should have had to face some reprecussions. You should have at least walked out and not talked to her for a few days. She needed to know you were angry and hurt. Now she knows you are a doormat.

January 22, 2005

I thought I almost lost this message! Always sign in before trying to reply. =O)

My girlfriend and I just separated on the 10th after almost exactly 3 years. We got along great (most of the time, of course all relationships have fights) and had a really trusting, expressive relationship. She's said serveral times that she thinks we could be together forever but she also wishes that we had met later in life.

I'm 26 she's 20, so i understand what she means. She hasn't really lived her own life yet and grown up. We made a mutual decision for us to take this "break". I don't want to hold someone back from exploring and experiencing life. I don't what to be with someone who is regretful that they didn't experience __________.

But anyway, we said the same things like maybe our paths will cross later in the future and she mentioned that our children would be so cute and la la la. But the thing is, that if our paths do cross again, its going to be years from now. Probably at least 4 years, if not more. We didn't try to set a date or anything. But i guess when you think about it, it's like setting up a safety net. You can go out and live and if you never find something better then you know that there is always a chance you can get back together with this "one".

SO honestly I ask myself, how long am I going to hold this tourch for this person, how long am I really going wait, and what's going to happen if our paths never do cross again? I would have wasted X years in hopes that we will be together again. You don't know what's going to happen in 6 months, 1 year , 2 years, 5 years, from now. You may meet someone new or she may meet someone new and fall deeply in love. I'm just saying don't bet on it. Don't set a date. Stay friends, because I'm sure you're probably best friends if you've been together that long, but otherwise try to move on. Have other relationships, experiences. IF your paths do cross again and you get back together, then it was ment to be; however, if not, then at least you haven't wasted years of your life.

And in your case, if you do get another g/f soon, the chances are pretty high that she's suddenly come running back.

details on my relationship:

We're still going to be friends even though right now it's really hard. She never cheated on me, but if we had stung out the enivitable much longer I think that it would have happened. I didn't give her much attention, I took her for grantend, I didn't treat her the way that I should have. It was also because I knew that our relationship was going to go forever. I knew something was coming, but it just so happened that I transfered to a University causing us to finialize our "break" before things got worse and she probably would have cheated on me. After only 4 days of use being apart she already had someone else lined up to become a no strings attached ___ buddy. She said that she just needs to experience this and that it's purely physical, I said fine , I've already had my days of that, so I understand. It's shocking to me that she's moving so fast, but whatever. Also at the same time she wants to be close and still have sexual relations with me, I said no way. I'm not going to be used.

So here I am now on day 12, it hurts like hell, but I know what I have to do.

anyway, hope this helps.

January 22, 2005

Hey thanks for the replies. ttjames, I know what you mean! All these years, I really never bothered with the little things that mattered because I really thought it would go on forever. Truth is, no matter how long, you have to consistently take care of someone you love and TELL THEM how much they mean to you right to your grave.

She actually did ask me whether we could be friends and I said it wouldn't be a good idea. Is the fact that she wants to be friends mean that she really doesn't love me or feel anything for me? Because if i truly loved someone I couldn't just be their friend...it would really fester inside. Its good to hear that your ex never cheated on you, because it is painful. Do you think you should consider not being friends and have no contact so that she could cherish and miss you a little more?

I hope your're right that if I got someone else, she would come running. The thing is my sister is her coworker, and she mentioned that at some point at work, someone said to her(my ex) that wouldnt it be strange if I appeared with someone new, and she is supergorgeous...and her reply was "Oh, I never thought about that". Either she meant it as in she never thought about coz she just doesn't care or think about me anymore, or it just never crossed her mind that I would pull out of the dumps and get someone else.

I'm just scared its the guilt of cheating on me that holds her from coming back. Plus, she went against the word of her family...and left my family (she was very close) to be with this guy. Coming back would mean groveling back to all those people. I think the guilt might play a huge role, because I am in contact quietly with her mom who is upset about this, and when the mom said to her "Do you know how horrible it is what you have done to ______? Do you know how much you've hurt him?" she said "Don't you think I don't know? At work when I think about what I've done to him, I feel like crying..." Wow. Either she is just really guilty because she is a caring person, or she might just still feel something for me. Truth is, word has it she is really into this new guy, and he has a lot of qualities that I don't....granted I have a lot he doesn't.

January 22, 2005

Unfortunately at this point she does know how she feels. Not to say that there is no feeling behind it but I am sure she is going through all the guilt stages at the moment since I am sure she never set out to hurt you. The other posters are right in that only time will tell and by no means should you expect a quick recovery. Don't live your life hoping that knowledge of your actions will spontaneously convince her of her wrongdoing. This problems lay inside her and can only be dealt with by herself. Give her the space she craves and show her that you can move on and live your life to the fullest.

January 22, 2005

Originally posted by Broken3112
Sometimes I think I was too easy on her after she cheated on me, giving her gifts and stuff (for the way I've been) that that kinda pushed her away. Anyway if anybody can tell me what they think about her question about setting a date means psychologically, that might help. Thanks.

In any relationship when someone is bad to you it is generally not a good idea to reward them. Cause then...after a while they figure out that if they treat you badly they get rewarded. And this is not good.

Here is what u need to do BROKEN3112:

Go back in your mind and think how you used to behave for the first year of your relationship with her. This is the man she is attracted to. You said that you have changed your behavior since then.

You need to go back and start doing the things you were doing 5 or 6 yrs ago. If you were more of a dick back then, then you should start being more of a dick now.

Some change has occurred in you that has caused her to lose interest. Do you see what I mean??

January 22, 2005

She wants to be friends because she still has a big emotional tie to you, as you do to her. She wants to stay in contact with you because even though she hurt you and even though you're not together, she still gets a feeling from talking to you or being around you. It's like being addicted to someone. Eventhough it hurts you, you still don't want to be without it.

Do you think you should consider not being friends and have no contact so that she could cherish and miss you a little more?

Nope! I have cut contact to some extent. We're only emailing each other. This is for me, because college starts for me on monday and I'm not going to get dragged down because of this. WHo knows if we will even stay in contact that much. I would like to think that we will but I haven't seem much of an effort from her so far. She seems really hung up on her new friends and flings and just going out and having fun. If she can't find the time to write an email a week or something, then forget it. I must not be really that important to her anyway. Her loss. I know that doing what she's doing gets old and lonely and eventually she my come around, but I'm not stopping my life to wait. And even if she wanted me back I'm right now, I'm not going to take her. I know that she needs years to mature, not just a few weeks. A part of me looks off to the future and seeing this beautiful confident woman who is ready to be with me 100%.

This is just in my case, I don't expect it to be the same in your situation. I don't think you mentioned your ages, I'm assuming your xg/f is older than mine, but still 6 years in a relationship is a long time and if she spend majority of her teens or 20's with you then she may just need to break out and have fun for a while. But since your xg/f is older it probably won't take as long as in my case.

I think that you're a little too hung up on wanting her back. She obviously wants some space, so I would just give it to her. I wouldn't recommend going for NC, but still keep in touch. Date other people, especially if she is. Be happy man, you're single too. You can see other people if you choose to. I will be good for you because it will either show you that there are better girls for you, or it'll reassure you that she is better than the rest. It's better than waiting around just hoping that she's going to come back.

Either she is just really guilty because she is a caring person, or she might just still feel something for me.

Of course she feels something for you. People usually don't just stop caring about some person after 6 years. For her to find someone else so quickly is to comfort her and make her feel better for what she has done. You rarely hear of people leaving their partner just so they can be alone. One almost always has to leave for someone else. Why? because they couldn't bare it to be alone. It's really f'd up this way. If she didn't have this other guy to divert her attention to she'd come running back right away.

Aphamale has some good points too.

Regain your confidence, find your self again.

January 23, 2005

Dear Broken-

I find myself in such a similar situation. I recently have been dumped by my boyfriend, mainly because of all the fighting..I miss him so much..I remember when talking to him that night that I said "what about all the things we wanted ..the house..the kids etc..." he said he would have loved all that and still wants it..Its really confusing but, I think that he does want to be with me but, feels like he needs his last rounds with other women before really setteling down. Perhaps, she is doing the same..We actually just spoke today without fighting and he is coming over to hellp fix something..Im hoping he comes around..Good Luck ...And if she does decide to see other people just do the same..thats what I am gona do..I realized everthing happens for a reason in life ..I also believe I am ment to be iwth my ex. just we met too soon..I believe in meeting to soon like your gf. said...give her time

January 23, 2005

I don't know...I hate to sound so skeptical, Broken. But when a girl says "We were meant to be, it's just too soon," that screams to me "I'm leaving you on the backburner in case things don't work out in my life." It just sounds like she doesn't want you right now, but just in case she does want you in the future, she wants to make sure you still have a torch for her.

But regardless of her reasons for saying anything that she said, your obligation right now is to yourself. As much as it sucks, it's time to start the healing process and to move onto other things. Lord knows that it's hard, but there's no other choice right now. 6 years is a long time to be with someone, and I can imagine this hurts a lot. Take it day by day and try to get out and do the stuff you enjoy. I wish you luck!!

January 23, 2005

Thanks so much for the support. Actually ttjames, my ex has just turned 21 and I have just turned 25. So she went out with me at 16. I know that everybody is going to say Voila! Its because she was really young when she started with me. But this girl really really loved me so much, and she really did talk about marriage. In fact she had already become part of my famly. Now I really regret not giving her my 100%. I think thats the hardest - dealing with our mistakes.]

Alpha, I guess I could try and be the guy 5 years ago, although I dont see her at all now. It will actually require me to hang out with her to show that personality. Right now, I don't think I'm the guy she dumped or the guy she fell for, I've changed for the better and she acknowledged that.

I think Girlie might be right about her leaving me on the backburner, and especially in the sense that I was a wreck when saying bye to her (but so was she, although she had someone to go to) and that she may forget that I can get back on my feet and see other people. In fact its even easier for her to have a lifeline, because she works for my mother, and is good friends with my sister. That made me think a lot. Either she is doing that as a lifeline - or she really doesn't care enough for me, such that she is stil able to be around those people and not feel any pain or emotion.

So ttjames, do you think I should start e-mailing her? We said bye 13 days ago, and have only had two brief messenger chats(very short). In her messenger chat, she said "How are you. I'm sorry" she said the sorry twice. I said we both have a lot to be sorry for. And then I told her I know her well, and if she has any problems, my words are hers. She said she was so appreciatve esp. after what she had done. And that ws it. If I e-mail her now, where should I begin? And what should be the tone? A lot of people are still recommending NC.

Colleen, what are the ages in your relationship? I do believe i am meant for my ex. My friend tells me if we were meant to be, it will happen - we will get married. But then I ask how about those women who get married to guys who beat the living crap out of them - was that meant to be? I believe in fate, but I believe human intervention can divert it. And now, someone else has taken her away from me. We were in a bad period of our relationship, and she cries on the shoulder of an almost complete stranger - and he takes advantage (i dont know his intentions and shouldnt assume actually) and they end up together.

January 23, 2005

Man.. We're almost in the same boat. I'm 26 my xg/f turn 20 in Dec. Some of my assumptions were wrong. I thought she was older, but since she is young and just turned 21... Of course you know your xg/f better than we do. Do she talk about doing certain things in life? Being free? Travelling the world? College? Mine does, that's why I know that I have to let her go. My xg.f is a "free spirit" type girl.

If your g/f is more traditional as in settling down then you have a better chance of her just going through a phase and then coming back sooner.

But then again she doesn't know any better, I mean she doesn't really have anything to compair your relationship to. She doesn't know how good or bad it is. She doesn't know if being with you would be the right choice. See what I mean.

So you can do NC. Who knows what will happen. It may really hurt her, but drive her further into this other relationship. It may force her to come running back.

Or

Email her, but keep it lite. let her know that you care, you do forgive her (if you really do) But be accepting of her choice. Probably end up friends.

Tell her that you just want her to be happy. (got that from the movie Swingers)

What I mention above are just options, honestly I don't know man. You're going to have figure her out.

January 23, 2005

WE are 22 and 19. I am the younger one but, I do as like you believe my ex. and I are ment for each other. It turns out this breakup was my fault.. I was to controlling..(just never realized it until he told me to really think to myself)..I realized this now ..and told him I am sorry and can change but,he doesn't seem to want ot give me another chance. I am desperate for any advice on how ot get him back.

January 23, 2005

Once one person decides it is over, there isn't much more you can do to change it...I'm sorry, I'm sure that wasn't the answer you were looking for. In your situation, you may really just have to let him go...Completely - Meaning, No contact. If he broke up with you because of control issues then you may want to work on them and try to figure out what it was that made you controlling....Maybe someday if he sees that you're not controlling and you're happy he could come back around to you. Time is on your side, but keep busy, learn about yourself and try to put him out of your head. The ball is in his court and right now he's chosen not to play. I do hope in time he does contact you again.

Good luck!!

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