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Posted (edited)

I’m hoping for some little advice or insight..

I guess it is a well known presumption that your mother and your father are your first representative models for male/female and their relationship is the first you are exposed to.

No matter if married, not married, same sex marriage, divorce, whatever.. the way they treated each other, loved each other or not, the problems they had are what you grew up. I assume that most children do consider their parents' relationship to be “normal” until thaught otherwise later in life.

 

I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about the fact that a lot of people have the tendency to subconsciously choose partners that are similar to their father/mother and tend to repeat the main dynamics of their parent’s relationship.

 

The relationship I had with my ex was a real “smooth sailing” one. I was extremely happy but for some reason I knew from the moment that we started dating I didn’t want to be with him forever. Everything was too good and I was missing something.

My current boyfriend is a very lovely person too but our relationship is everything but smooth sailing. I’m happy with hime but there are times where I’m not and miss the stability of my previous relationship. And now I do find myself having insecurities that I constantly used to see in my mother and still do.

The odd thing though is that I would want to be with him long term in the sense of settling down etc… No clue why actually…

 

My parent’s relationship is crazy (in a bad way) and I’m an only child who was full on in the middle of all of their conflicts. My friend pointed out that maybe subconsciously I wasn’t happy with my ex because I somehow craved the craziness, because that is what I grew up with and used to..

 

Do you think there is any truth to this? Do you guys have similar experiences? How to get out of this vicious cirlcle (def do not want my future children to have to repeat my parent’s realtionship or mine)?

Edited by DALIFAN
Posted

I should be so lucky. My parents are married 36 years this year, and are more in love than ever.

 

Finger crossed...

  • Like 1
Posted

The familiar is comfortable even when the familiar is dysfunctional.

 

 

There are aspects of my parents' relationship I have repeated. Anybody who knew my dad & knows my husband swears I married my dad.

 

 

I can see similarities in my marriage from what my MIL describes from her marriage to my FIL. They are divorced now. I also talk to my FIL's 2nd wife about relationships etc. because father & son are very alike & both are poor communicators which can be extremely frustrating.

 

 

If you see the pattern in your life, try to keep the good things & when you recognize the bad ones, work to change them.

Posted

LOL...I was in the SAME EXACT BOAT as you and is the first time this has ever happened to me.

 

I am an asian guy and I used to date this Peruvian Girl. EVERYTHING she did, her actions, personality, character...was EXACTLY like my MOM!!! What made it even scarier and shocking...her physical attributes (face, height, body shape) even reminded me of my mom too!!

 

Honestly....to tell you the truth. That **** SCARED the F$%K out of me...I felt like I was dating my mom FOR REAL. After 3 months and sleeping together only 2 times...I knew I could not be with her long-term because of that resemblance and I had to get out.

 

The crazy thing is...out of ALL the girls I have ever been with...she was the one that treated me the BEST.

 

BUT...after this experience...I CAN NOT date, marry and live with a woman that reminds me of my mom. Thats one reason why I have decided to date out of my race. I am afraid that if i date within my race...most of the girls will eventually start to look like my mom.

 

I know their is a whole bunch of science, philosophy and anthropological evidence behind this phenomena of mates looking like your opposite sex parent. BUT...I never thought that it would ever happen to me. And when it did...Man...I believe the science, findings and research now.

 

Thanks.

Posted
I’m hoping for some little advice or insight..

I guess it is a well known presumption that your mother and your father are your first representative models for male/female and their relationship is the first you are exposed to.

No matter if married, not married, same sex marriage, divorce, whatever.. the way they treated each other, loved each other or not, the problems they had are what you grew up. I assume that most children do consider their parents' relationship to be “normal” until thaught otherwise later in life.

 

I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about the fact that a lot of people have the tendency to subconsciously choose partners that are similar to their father/mother and tend to repeat the main dynamics of their parent’s relationship.

 

The relationship I had with my ex was a real “smooth sailing” one. I was extremely happy but for some reason I knew from the moment that we started dating I didn’t want to be with him forever. Everything was too good and I was missing something.

My current boyfriend is a very lovely person too but our relationship is everything but smooth sailing. I’m happy with hime but there are times where I’m not and miss the stability of my previous relationship. And now I do find myself having insecurities that I constantly used to see in my mother and still do.

The odd thing though is that I would want to be with him long term in the sense of settling down etc… No clue why actually…

 

My parent’s relationship is crazy (in a bad way) and I’m an only child who was full on in the middle of all of their conflicts. My friend pointed out that maybe subconsciously I wasn’t happy with my ex because I somehow craved the craziness, because that is what I grew up with and used to..

 

Do you think there is any truth to this? Do you guys have similar experiences? How to get out of this vicious cirlcle (def do not want my future children to have to repeat my parent’s realtionship or mine)?

 

There's plenty of truth in that statement and I paid twice for not seeing it.

 

My first wife came from a family that was messed up. The Dad was abusive to the Mom. The Mom was cheating on the Dad. The Dad was a over sexed demanding man and the Mom was over sexed too but with my first wife's old boyfriends.

 

There was constant fighting and when they got divorced everyone finds out that the dad was also cheating and it was a mess from hell.

 

After my wife and I got married, my wife had the same oversexed genes that they both had along with a garbage mouth and after 10 years of it we divorce only to find out that she also cheated on me with a mutual friend of ours.

 

So it;s not a bad idea to take a good look at the surroundings because there's a chance it can be brought into your relationship.

 

Now I'm not saying that it happens every time but in my case I saw it and had that idea that it wouldn't happen to me.

Posted
My ex had a family that all they did to communicate was yell at each other. I am the total opposite and I'm usually content. Pretty sure our relationship ended because she wanted the turmoil. Also, her mother was divorced twice and she never knew her father. I'm convinced she wants her kids to be raised the same way.

 

No we didn't have kids.

 

 

Similar....my ex's family split when she was a teenager, she left home at 18 to move in with her older boyfriend, who she ended up having a kid with. The guy took the piss, used her and all that, but because she was in love she couldn't see it

 

From what I gathered from my FIL....his ex always jumped down his throat when he tried to discipline my ex, but didn't do the same when the brother was being disciplined.

 

My folks have still been married 50 odd still...I thought I was going to emulate them, but I guess no as I ignored red flags when it came to getting together with my ex.

 

This is why I harp on about "looks" and body features don't mean jack if the person is not beautiful on the inside

Posted

I think there is definitely truth to it, but thankfully I haven't had the experience. My parents are still married but they don't even like each other. They were always fighting growing up and I was always terrified they'd get a divorce (I'm pretty sure the only reason they didn't was us kids). Their personalities are just not compatible, though they do have similar worldviews. They have been great parents, and I would be happy to emulate them in that way, but I do NOT want a relationship like theirs.

 

A big part of them getting married was circumstance though... they met when my mom was I think 30 and dad 33, my mom had a 8 year-old-kid from a first marriage (when she was 19, lasted about 3 years) and really wanted to have more kids and a family, while my dad had never even really had a relationship but also really wanted a family. So I think they saw that in each other, and saw the other person would be a good parent, and overlooked everything else. They got married in under a year. I'm honestly surprised they managed to like each other long enough to have my sister (3 years younger, so after about 4 1/2 years of marriage).

 

I know I'm never going to be there... I'm not going to be a single mother (unless it was the result of tragedy after I was married, something else entirely) and I'm not going to be 33 with never a relationship. I'd like kids someday maybe but don't have an intense desire to have them. I think even at 26 I'm more secure, self-confident, and independent than my parents were when they met. I really do want a partner but only if I meet someone I feel very strongly about (and compatibility is a big one there). If I get married it will be for totally different reasons than them, which I think would make a big difference.

 

The one relationship I have had, too, was totally different from theirs (though whether it was similar to that of his parents I don't know, haha). We were super compatible, best friends, very emotionally connected, we communicated very well and openly, never had a real fight... all things no one could ever say about my parents.

 

I feel I am affected by seeing their relationship... because I don't want to repeat it.

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