Long Distance Relationship with very complicated future

[Mouser]

Hello there! After googling "How to deal with a long distance relationship" (yes, I'm really desperate sometimes) I found this website and decided to make an account. The imagination of talking to people who go through the same pain of missing their partners, etc. and being understood really made me happy.

So I'm not quite sure why I am making this thread in the first place. To be honest, I just really want to write down my story, my worries and problems and hope to find someone with similar thoughts to talk about it, get reassurance or maybe even solutions. I'm gonna try to keep it short, but I can't promise anything!

 

I am 19 years old and met my boyfriend on a video game. Neither of us was looking for a relationship. I was in a deep depression, staying home from school and spending my days on the internet and in my own thoughts. We started talking, first about the game, then we exchanged Skype and started talking some more, first only on chat. After a month or two, we called each other for the first time. I am a very shy person, and the first call was super awkward - but the second one was already wonderful. We just "clicked" and it was so much fun to talk to him. Another month or so later we started talking about me visiting him. He lives in the USA, I live in Europe. My family had planned a trip to America later that year and I thought we could meet up. But the more we talked (daily for hours, for months), saw each other on webcam, met our parents on webcam etc (haha), the sooner we wanted to meet. And so I booked a flight to America in the Summer, three months earlier than my family's trip. I have relatives in America that I could have stayed with if there would have been nobody on the airport, huge catfish etc.

 

But when I arrived on the airport, my boyfriend (he had asked me out about 3 weeks earlier), his friend and his mom were waiting for me. A few hugs and some sweaty-hand holding later we were sitting in his car, on the way to his house.

 

However, I have realized that I can't write down our story in such detail :'D What I can say though - in those two weeks we were together, we grew a strong bond. After a really depressing year, he really was my little light. When I was back in Europe, we kept talking. The distance was already hard then, but nothing compared to now. Looking back, I fell in love with him somewhere between my first and my second visit, which was two and a half months later. He met my parents and my brother and i spent another wonderful two weeks with him. In December, i went to visit him for a third time, this time for two months! I am starting a new school and therefore had some long holidays. It wasn't an easy two months - he's struggling with his mental health, too, and we had quite a few breakdowns which ended in us holding each other crying. I have often said that it would be better for both of us to have a mentally stable partner, but now it's too late, we're already in love. Even though we had our downs - we also had some awesome ups. New Year's Eve was the best I've ever had. We had so many adventures and I am really sure that I have found my soulmate. I don't trust any person in my life like i trust him, and there is nobody that understands me blindly like he does.

Going back to my home, my depression hit again. Whenever I'm with him, it stays in the background. I can do stuff, I have energy, a healthy sleeping schedule, I laugh a lot and I don't drown in thoughts. Without him, that is really hard. I miss him extremely. Sleeping alone is hard, and I can't deal with it very well. I get mad at my friends who complain about seeing their boyfriend once a week, when I wont be able to see mine for god knows how long (at least 4 months).

 

What really bothers and depresses me the most, is our future. You've probably started to wonder why he's never visited me. He's an illegal immigrant in the USA and can't leave the state. Even though he has been living there for almost his whole life, pays taxes, and went to school, he has no green card or anything. That he hasn't met my friends, seen my house, or even seen where I grew up makes me so sad sometimes, but I can't change it. He's also financially struggling. Growing up with his mom and younger siblings, his mom works every day in a low paid job to be somehow able to get them food and a roof over their heads.

We don't know what our future looks like. My boyfriend can't work, since he has no work permit. He's currently applying for the Deferred Act, which will give him that, but it required lots of documents and also money which he doesn't have, but I'm positive that he will be able to get it sometime this year. Then he'll have to work to be able to afford college. I have another 1.5 years of school left, then I can go to University. I've thought about going to his city for Uni, but I honestly don't know if I want to be educated in English, because my English isn't perfect. Also, my roots are in Europe, and I would miss my family horribly. The main point though is, that here I would get college for a fraction of the prize that American education costs. We've looked into him coming here, but as an illegal, getting a visa would be super complicated. He also doesn't speak the language of my country, so going to University here would be even harder for him. Immigration laws are super complicated and he couldn't even become a citizen of my country by marrying me (yes, we're so desperate that we've even considered marriage at this young age).

Do any of you have experienced something similar? I just feel like life is so unfair. The only good thing that has happened is me getting to know him (which is unbelievably wonderful). But it seems that I have to "pay" for that luck now in obstacles and "spits in the face".

Other than that, I also have the "normal" long distance relationship worries - what if we grow apart, what if this is all just too hard to handle, occasional arguments...

I would be extremely thankful for some responses! )) If you took the time to read all this, you're really awesome.

[TAV]

Wow! Those are many obstacles. I think you have to try to deal one obstacle at the time. To be able to travel he has to obtain a passport which is one goal. Making money so he has the funds to travel (and be an equal partner to you) is next. Was he in high school before? Is it his idea or yours to obtain a working permit? Does he want to go to college or do you want him to? Your parents probably told you this but please be aware that when you start Uni you will change and grow and if his life takes him on a different road you might not grow together.

 

I'm a parent myself and wonder what your family said when you told them about his situation. And do they know of your halfhearted plans to study in the USA?

 

Since obviously it does not feel right to you to leave your country behind at this point in time and he has little chances of finding a job without a good education in the current European climate I think you will have to accept that for now the maximum you can achieve is regular visits; hopefully on both sides.

 

I do not read anywhere how you are dealing with your depression. I do hope you have looked for help. Even if you two end up together life will throw crap your way and you have to be able to deal with that.

 

I'm sorry to sound like mum here. I am a romantic at heart and do hope you will find a way to be together. Strangers things have happened :-)

[Mouser]

Thanks for your fast response, TAV I do realize that both my boyfriend and I are quite young. I am sure though that our relationship is on a different level than "normal" relationships of people our age. We've both dealt with a lot of things in our life that probably made us grow up faster than we wanted to. I've had help with my depression for about a year, have been on medications until autumn last year. I feel like I am better, but on some days it all comes back to me and worrying about my relationship does drag me down a lot. It caused so much happiness in the beginning, and still does, but there's so much to worry about.

 

My boyfriend finished High School this year and he himself wants to start college as soon as possible. He has great aspirations for his future, which is one thing I love about him. I think you have a very good point with your argument of "Growing together". We definitely both want to be well educated and have a good, supporting job. It's his wish to get a work permit, just sitting at home with nothing to do is killing him. He really wants to support his mom, too. He's talked to a lawyer about his legal situation and it looks pretty bad. Literally all he can do at the moment is to wait for new immigration laws. When we first talked about him coming to Europe, he was super enthusiastic about leaving the USA, but then we found out about how complicated all the immigration laws are… Ugh.

 

My parents were always really understanding about the situation, surprisingly understanding. To be honest, if I was a mother, I don't think I'd let my child go to all the places they've let me go to… We've always travelled a lot, and when I was 17 I lived in Australia with a host family for a year. They know I'm mature and trusted me in this situation to know for myself if it was the right decision to go visit my boyfriend. They've brought studies in the USA up before by themselves, but we've never seriously talked about it because it's pretty much a thing I'd only do if all else fails.

 

Thank you a lot I have moments of thinking that we should just break up because everything looks too hard. But those are really dark moments, and I'm generally trying to be optimistic, because I really think that he's my soulmate and I want nothing more than to be with him.

[justwhoiam]

It looks like you sort of grew up faster than you should have if following your natural needs. Your parents let you "fly" away before you were really ready. So that made you what you are today. You are probably mature for your age, as you say, but also fragile. And that kind of fragility shows its face with a (mild) depression cured with meds at your very young age. I think you need to work on your feelings now and maybe enjoy the support of your family a bit more, before detaching yourself with a 6,000+ mile move somewhere else in the world. I'm saying this because I'd rather see you without meds first and then living on your own on the other side of the world, with the strength to face any problem might come your way.

 

If you start looking at threads in here, even using filters, you'll find plenty of stories that started out just like yours. And felt as special as yours, etc.

The only main difference here is that you have met him already and more than once. Most students your age usually are not that lucky, or they remain long distance for a long time. But these stories seldom work. More often, they lead to a sudden break up or some kind of long agony.

 

So, take some time and read them. It's always going to be useful.

Edited February 21, 2014 by justwhoiam

[TAV]

Dear Mouser, I am glad he is so ambitious and that you do understand you need to grow together. You actually sound as if you have thought everything through and have basically chosen to be with him but part of you wonders why it should be so hard for you to be with the person you love. I'm sure you have friends or family members with the same age who have the standard bf/gf relationship and it seems so very unfair to you that you have to deal with so many issues.

 

It all comes down to how much you both are committed which goes for all LDR couples, no matter how old, how far apart or how many obstacles they have to overcome. Yes, you sound mature for your age but at the same time you have your whole future ahead of you and still so many options.

 

If you were my daughter I would hope life would show you a much easier road to be happy.

 

I agree with justwhoiam that the depression thing is most important here. You need to be in a good place first, completely. And that should not depend on whether you can be with him or not.

 

I think you are right when you say there is something really special between you two and it is good of you to recognize it; lots of people lose that special someone early in life because they have no clue that such connections do not come along every day. I understand the whole soulmate thing. The fact that he broke down when you were with him shows a lot of trust in you on his part and I am sure you value that.

 

So if you want to do this you have to knuckle down, also during the hard times. You can come here to rant or express your true feelings. I know I'm planning to do that when the going get tough(er). Good luck! :-)

[clia]

Well it's no wonder he's depressed. His mother has gotten him into a situation where he seems to have a very bleak future.

 

I feel for you -- you are in an extremely complicated situation. But you do really need to look at this realistically. Even if you come to the U.S. for schooling (which I do not think you should do), being in a relationship with an illegal immigrant here is not easy. He could be deported. And then what? Granted if he is able to get deferred that will provide him some assurance against deportation for a period of time, but that still is not a green card or legal status for him.

 

We've looked into him coming here, but as an illegal, getting a visa would be super complicated. He also doesn't speak the language of my country, so going to University here would be even harder for him. Immigration laws are super complicated and he couldn't even become a citizen of my country by marrying me (yes, we're so desperate that we've even considered marriage at this young age).

 

He's talked to a lawyer about his legal situation and it looks pretty bad. Literally all he can do at the moment is to wait for new immigration laws. When we first talked about him coming to Europe, he was super enthusiastic about leaving the USA, but then we found out about how complicated all the immigration laws are… Ugh.

 

Waiting for the laws to change and hoping that they will change in a way that benefits him does not seem like a very good solution. Illegal immigration is a huge issue right now in the U.S., and there is no guarantee that he will get any form of amnesty. And even if the laws change and he does...he may have to go through a process that will take more money and time. I guess what I'm saying is that you could be waiting for a very long time and there is no guarantee of anything. How long are you willing to wait? What is his plan if he doesn't get some form of amnesty? How does he plan to support himself?

 

He does have another option, though. Has he considered moving back to his home country? Does he have family there still? Where does his father live? At least there he could legally work and go to school. And would that make things easier as far as getting a visa to visit you or to get into your country? Could you move to his home country?

 

I don't know...you are very young and I would hate to see you waste years and years in a situation that is so messy. Trust me when I say that he is not the only guy out there who you could fall in love with.

[justwhoiam]

Has he considered moving back to his home country?

But then, if he did that, I guess he could be denied entering the US again?

[clia]

But then, if he did that, I guess he could be denied entering the US again?

 

Yes, he would not be able to re-enter the U.S. But he's sitting in the U.S. totally dependent on his mother, can't legally work (and obviously hasn't found a way to illegally work) and has no money for school. That doesn't sound like a very good position to be in either, land of opportunity notwithstanding. I'm assuming he's around the same age as the OP, so he's young enough to start a life somewhere else without all the hovering legal issues.