emeraldgreen Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Greetings. The LDR girl I was planning to marry broke up with me on valentines day and a week later I'm still trying to process this very sudden blow. The back story... * met her in 2007 I'm from New Zealand, was visiting USA where she is * stayed in touch through social media as friends but we both were attracted * another suitor came along, a German guy who chatted her up online they began an online relationship so I backed off * didn't talk for five years after that * she and German guy met and kissed but nothing evolved * they both dated other people the last five years but kept going back and forth to each other online and failing to make something last each time So, late last year Maria got back in touch with me and we starting skyping like crazy, often spending up to eight hours together, going on skype dates, and a month or so in, we talked about marriage - big step, but we were planning over a 12-18 month period. We fell crazy in love and her in particular, would tell me she loved me multiple times in a conversation, tell me that she wanted me to be her man forever etc. I was planning to visit her in may and her visit me in October when I planned to officially propose if things were still great. We talked about all sorts of plans these last three months, and to show I was committed to our future, I had a promise ring made, which I sent her last week because it was both her birthday and valentines day. She got the ring and was ecstatic. "Oh my god baby, I love you so much and can't wait to be your wife". She'd actually told all her friends she was my fiancée. She'd planned to bring her mother to meet me. THE CHANGE... German guy sends her an email wishing her a happy birthday, and two days later she breaks up with me on skype, saying she's confused, we went too fast, she's too busy and doesn't want to get married anymore. She emails me daily to say she hopes I'm ok, pokes me on facebook, yet yesterday she changed her cover photo to a German and Mexican flag next to each other. Pretty obvious what has happened. How is such an about face even possible? That's what I want to know. I don't care who made a play for whom, because at the end of the day when you're a guy with a hot girl you get used to people hitting on her, but this is different. She let him back in. We are talking an ABSOLUTE change in 48 hours. I'd love some of the ladies to explain to me how this is even possible considering she was probably the driving force in our love.
CalvinM Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 This is going to hurt to hear, but you were a back up plan if things with the other guy didn't work out. Walk away, don't reach out to her. This isn't something you can help and it's going to hurt if you stay close. I've been there (don't believe me, do a search on this forum) and it sucks, but the person you're meant to be with wouldn't do that to you. 1
Author emeraldgreen Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I can definitely see that, but time and time again, the other guy HASNT worked out. I guess she has unfinished business there and just hasn't learned the lessons yet. I've encouraged her, call it reverse psychology or just wanting the best for her, to go and find out what it is she needs from this guy, and I need to focus on number one for a while. Part of me wants to write this other guy a letter telling him to get it together with her this time or get off the merry go round and her find the perfect guy, but since he probably doesn't know about me, I'd probably just be spitefully throwing a grenade before walking out of the building and ruining things for her now.
CalvinM Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Then you need to trust in silence that it won't. But live your own life in the mean time. Don't write a letter, don't wish her well. Just cut ties. Or write a letter, but don't send it. If you need to get your thoughts out, save it as a draft to remind yourself of why you need to live your life without her. If she reach out to you, that's a start, but at this point, why would you really want to be with someone who would treat you like that? You deserve to be someones priority, not a back up. 1
TAV Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 You are not seeing who is your enemy here; it is not the German guy, it is she; the girl who claimed to love you. You are not in a competition with the other guy for her affections; he had her heart all this time. You are putting blame on him while you should put it on her. How do I know this? The answer is right there in your message. She had a turnaround in 48 HOURS! Tell me how much you are hurting now and you know that if you really love someone you need more than 2 days to get over someone and move on. Why she let you believe that you were the one for her, I don't know. My guess is that the German guy's commitment issues made her scared, made her fear nobody could love her, that she would be alone. You made her ego feel so much better. Her telling you 20x in one convo that she loved you seems needy and insecure. I particularly dislike the way she keeps mailing you, asking if you are ok. That is not for your benefit, that is for hers, to soothe her guilty conscience. And she could not even tell you in person that she is together with him now; you had to find out over facebook. I'm so sorry that you got treated this way. 1
justwhoiam Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I partially agree with TAV. 1) Tell her to send you back your ring and not to contact you anymore. Its purpose got lost, so should you. 2) Tell her if she's been on a roller coaster with this guy for 5 years, there must be a reason, and chances are things will never work out well for them. But it's her choice. You respect it but don't fell like promoting it. 3) You then go out of her life for good. 4) You can't marry someone loving someone else. Even if they break up, quite likely it'll be forced upon her and she might still love him even after getting married with someone else. So marrying this girl can be a bad idea for any guy. 5) This girl is too fickle, unstable and unreliable. 1
Author emeraldgreen Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Cheers for the responses so far. Another part of the headf*ck for me is that we'd already planned where we were going to live (here), downloaded the fiancée visa forms, even looked into how to get here dog her and the quarantine procedures. These were all very "real world" sort of plans, not the stuff you normally have in fantasy relationships. Such detail was really giving me the impression that this was a real thing. This was turning out to be the love of my life, having had two previous LTRs. She's still got some serious growing up to do! I half expect her to come back to me in a few months and find out she's over the other guy again. He finds her too demanding and emotionally needy. I guess I just filled that need for a while and while he thinks he might be able to again, history is bound to repeat itself. But not for me. 2
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