Day 7 of NC, Day 30 of BU.

[MixedMinh]

We were together 1.5 years. She dumped me in January saying she needed to figure out what she wanted and that something wasn't right with us. Gave me the whole I love you speech and always will. She lead me on a little and tried to keep me close to her with "I hope we can pick up where we left off in the future when our lives change". She started "officially" dating another guy 2 weeks after BU (after telling me she wouldn't be dating anyone for a very long time, etc, small lies, trying to keep me roped up). Apologized for lying and blah blah.. wanted to stay in touch.. My emotions have really been a rollercoaster during this time of NC.

 

I go from hoping she realizes she made a mistake to just hating her guts and hoping she disappears from my life. I made a mistake today. I looked at her FB page for the first time in 2 weeks and saw new photos of her and her new boyfriend being affectionate and happy and it made me feel like I'm not special at all. Feels like the 1.5 years we spent together was just replaced. She chose a complete stranger over somebody who loved her for over a year. I'm really just venting here.. I need to. I slipped up by looking at her FB and I followed it up by blocking her on FB. I've received 2 bread crumbs in 7 days NC. "I hope you know that I do miss you, even though it doesn't matter to you" and... "Hope you're doin better.. Thinking of you".. Just to add, this new guy she's dating.. has no idea what she was telling me and how much of a secret she was keeping him for the first week they were together.

 

Before NC, they were together and she was telling me how badly it hurts her, how strong her feelings are for me, how much she misses me, how badly she wants a future with us (under different circumstances), and that she wasn't even dating anyone.. I'm expecting more breadcrumbs.. she's weak-minded, very indecisive, no confidence in her decision-making.. she doesn't even know what's best for her, that's why she's always in doubt and confused as to what she should do.. she always seeks validation and approval from her friends when she's uncertain and then follows advice religiously without thinking for herself. She'll just keep saying "I'm doing the right thing" whether it is the right thing or not, so that she can feel less-guilt. She showed a lot of weakness during our BU, it was originally supposed to be for "time apart" --

 

I was mature and respected her decision to need space and when she wanted to "meet up" I told her I wanted to so badly, but I didn't want take advantage of her weakness and thought it would be best for us to stay apart until she decides if she wanted to make things work with me or not. It's only a matter of time before she tries something drastic to get back into my life.. not sure what it'll consist of.. maybe something not working out in her new relationship, or when their honey-moon phase fades... She makes all of her life-decisions based on feelings.. If she's feeling bad one night she'll think she needs to break-up... it's so annoying..

 

I'm surprised I lasted 1.5 years with someone who is incapable of fully loving. Hoping everyone else out there doesn't have to suffer like this. The more I realize that I can't go back to her, the more it hurts that I have to let go.. we had such an unorthodox relationship -- none like I've ever had.. we could only see each other once a week because of work, kids, etc..it was a very limited relationship but whenever we did see each other we were on Cloud 9. Very powerful feelings..

 

We discussed moving in together and made goals to do so.. in fact, the original BU only happened because we failed to meet our goals to move in and she felt that it would never actually happen. It's all so complicated, but she simplified it more by just moving on and dating somebody immediately after our break-up. I just don't know how it's possible for her to develop genuine feelings for somebody new so quickly. I couldn't fathom being intimate or romantic with anyone else..

Edited February 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[firefly2613]

Just please try your best to maintain No Contact. She's not worth keeping up with. I can tell from the way she treats you.

 

Are you sure that she did not leave you for this person?

[MixedMinh]

Anything is possible. I'm not going to say I know one way or the other. It's possible that she had interests in him which lead to our break-up. I will stay NC. Thank you. Just needed a vent

[monsoon281]

Wow.. I'm going through the same situation man. Just had a 2 year relationship end and my ex did the same ****. Constant comparison and need for validation from friends, impulsive emotional decision making, constantly thinking the grass might be greener or you don't do enough for them.

 

Stay strong. Turtle up and maintain NC. You CANNOT reason with someone like this. There is no talking sense into such a creature. Ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who is so insecure and emotionally unstable? They will not be able to be there for you at times of turmoil when you need them most... It is not safe to give your heart to someone that will drop it on the floor at random whims. Protect yourself and you will get better.

[MixedMinh]

Monsoon, I'm sorry you are dealing with this too. But I do feel better knowing I'm not the only one. Seems she only cares about herself and relieving her own guilt -- seeking validation from other people so she doesn't feel like the selfish person she is. I am hurting much at night and it's very hard seeing how happy she is via FB, that's why I had to just block her completely.. Something is totally off about what happened. It just doesn't make sense, or add up.. there is something she isn't telling me. I think I'm dealing with a liar and you're right, it's just not safe for me to invest any more efforts into her. I wish you the best of luck as well

[monsoon281]

Don't look into her life again it will hurt your healing process. I made the same mistake and saw my ex posting skanky pictures of herself for male attention 4 days after breakup which REALLY hurt. She will probably do the same things to the next guy. You are lucky to be out... May not see it now, but once a selfish person always a selfish person. Try to hit the gym extra hard and focus on work.. It will help you sleep. I've been taking a melatomin at night too which helps. Stay strong.

[MixedMinh]

Received two breadcrumbs at 5:30AM this morning. "Is this you cutting all ties?" and "And you blocked me on FB. Nice :/"

[MixedMinh]

A third BC.. "Well that hurts, see ya"

 

Ohhh! She's hurt? That's so unfortunate...and totally my fault.

[Musing]

"Is this you cutting all ties?" and "And you blocked me on FB. Nice :/"

 

"Well that hurts, see ya"

.

 

 

Wow. Was this girl expecting you to wait around while she got her life together and dated some other dude?

 

How callous. I don't care if she is indecisive and seeks validation. OP, I can be the same way. I'd never try to keep a pining ex around while I was with someone else. It's not even like she is placating you and simply trying to be nice...she is blatantly trying to keep you around for her own selfish reasons.

 

And how badly this is all hurting her? She's the one who made the decision to break up with you, and the one who made the decision to date someone else

 

From my [outside] perspective, this girl needs help and shouldn't be dating anyone, and isn't respecting you at all by keeping you on a string while she's with someone else.

How would her new beau feel to know she was saying this to her ex?

 

I totally applaud you for being strong through this and not taking the bait. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

You're doing the right thing, stay strong and work on you and find a female who isn't so wishy/washy or in constant need of approval.

[guest572]

She is the one who has cut ties by dumping you, not sure what she expected after what she is putting you through. blocking her on FB is hardly an outrage!

[MixedMinh]

I completely agree with you and I've been aware of this. I've lost a lot of respect for her. She is very selfish and doesn't see herself as so. She has a child and uses the fact that she is a struggling single mother as an excuse for her to be selfish. Yes, I laid my feelings on the line before NC started. I vowed to make things work and to put maximum effort into the relationship and that wasn't enough for her. I now believe it was more important for her to date this guy and I also believe she expected me to be around as a back-up option -- I've shown excessive compromise and I am a very understanding person -- she's seeing a side of me that she is not familiar with, the side of me that respects myself. I have been in a 6 year relationship and I've learned a lot from that one, which is making it a little easier to handle this emotionally immature dramafest. Of course, I still have strong feelings for her, but they are just feelings.. I can handle them. NC is the only way. More breadcrumbs to follow I assume.

[MixedMinh]

I'm now on Day 10 of NC. Yesterday was very difficult for me. She called my phone, it rang once, and she hung up. I think she was trying to figure out if I had blocked her on my phone or changed numbers. This morning my room mate(they're friends on FB) was messaged by her asking me if I was home and if I had blocked her from my phone. She won't just let me be. The breadcrumbs are temporarily satisfying, but they are making it more difficult for me to move on. My room mate told me she posts on her FB about how incredibly happy she is, yet she is not letting me be. She insists on trying to get in touch with me.

 

During NC, the times where I don't have anxiety or feel absolutely miserable is when I am occupied doing something else -- or focusing my time on something else. As much as I accept that NC is the best thing.. I still feel like I want this person. I never did anything terrible to her in the relationship, but my efforts were lacking towards the end. I suppose I feel a little bit of guilt for not making her feel special on holidays and whatnot. Doesn't mean I deserved to be lead on and lied to.. and the fact that she was in a relationship a week after the break-up is still freshly painful.

 

With each day of NC I am feeling more distance and each day is one day I'm loving myself more, but I can't rid the good memories and the love we had (most of the relationship was full of joys and happiness).. we had some very different lifestyles which led to the incompatibility...it just gets to me that I truly believe she meant what she said when she had hopes for us in the future, if our lives changed.. why do I cling to this? Why do I want to be with someone in the future that wasn't willing to be with me during turmoil?

 

I realize that she truly is naive.. and as much as she knows she messed up at the end of the relationship by choosing to lie.. aren't we all selfish at times? We all make mistakes. What circumstances need to occur before we forgive? As much as people don't change.. I have become less and less selfish as I age.. She's a sheltered person and hasn't found her independence in life.. she hasn't been forced to grow out of her comfort zone.. Gosh my feelings are so mixed up today. It's like I accept that I need to maintain NC and move on.. but my hopes are that NC will result in her realizing she can't live without me.. but even if that were the case..

 

I don't know how I would even trust her again.. and I'm not about to make the mistake of blindly jumping into anything and disrespecting myself...sheesh. It's amazing the things your mind does when you are alone. NC is tough.

Edited February 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[harrybrown]

You will be better not having her in your life. She is in a new relationship, she lied to you about that relationship, and she is still contacting you.

 

It is all about her and she is very selfish. She probably made contact with the other guy while she was dating you. Now she is making contact with you while dating the other guy.

 

You have pains right now, but do something for yourself. Go out with friends and keep up the NC. If you do get back with her, she will hurt you again.

 

Find someone else, you will and they should be better for you.

[MixedMinh]

I'm now on Day 11 of NC. There is a mountain of breadcrumbs developing since Day 1. It's getting less satisfying. Today's morning BC was hard not to respond to, as it is tricky in nature: "Can you at least tell me if you get this message?" -- She contacted my room mate Sunday morning to find out if I had blocked her from my phone. I think she is hoping I haven't been ignoring her, but probably knows I am. This is just an attempt to get a reaction from me, right? Check in, see if I've moved on, or if I'm hurting... She obviously can't MOVE on herself.. This is so immature! Jumping into a rebound relationship and continuously reaching out to me -- I just wonder if this guy she's with would put up with that if he knew everything she's said. Staying strong and holding NC.. just looking for reinforcement.. I shouldn't feel guilty by not responding..right? Nothing's changed.

[Minneloa]

I'm now on Day 11 of NC. There is a mountain of breadcrumbs developing since Day 1. It's getting less satisfying. Today's morning BC was hard not to respond to, as it is tricky in nature: "Can you at least tell me if you get this message?" -- She contacted my room mate Sunday morning to find out if I had blocked her from my phone. I think she is hoping I haven't been ignoring her, but probably knows I am. This is just an attempt to get a reaction from me, right? Check in, see if I've moved on, or if I'm hurting... She obviously can't MOVE on herself.. This is so immature! Jumping into a rebound relationship and continuously reaching out to me -- I just wonder if this guy she's with would put up with that if he knew everything she's said. Staying strong and holding NC.. just looking for reinforcement.. I shouldn't feel guilty by not responding..right? Nothing's changed.

 

 

Stay strong! You should not feel guilty AT ALL. She is simply escalating her efforts to either ease her guilt or get an ego boost. I would bet serious money that if you did engage her, she would fade away. Don't cave--she asked for this breakup, and now she has to face the consequences.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[MixedMinh]

Thank you very much. I appreciate it. That's what I fear.. caving in and resetting this whole NC all over again. I'd rather just stick to it.

[forgetmenot75]

STOP. she doesn't care. those are not breadcrumbs. she is NOT saying she wants something with you. SHE JUST FEELS GUILTY and when you blocked her, she had an excuse to finally say goodbye to you.

 

I'm pretty sure she was dating this other guy while still with you.

 

Block her phone number. At this point, is the only thing you can do to maintain your sanity.

[ithappenedagain]

Hang in there bud. She is just feeling extremely guilty. The moment you reply to her, she will get her validation that you are still out there and it will only make her feel better... DONT DO IT!

[MixedMinh]

Let's suffer together.. God damn this is hard!

[ithappenedagain]

I hear you bro!

 

Do you think you would feel better or worse if she wasn't even sending your breadcrumbs?

 

Hopefully she will get the point and stop sending you all of these texts. Stay strong. NC.

[MixedMinh]

Truthfully, it feels better knowing that she is hurting as well. She's just not strong enough to do NC. That's why I have to be the bigger person and do it for both of us. I don't want us to be enemies.. or for us to resent each other. I truly just want both of us to be happy and healthy.. and when feelings start to fade that will become easier to accomplish..

[MixedMinh]

As I was posting that response, she texted me "Awesome." I believe she will soon understand that I am truly staying NC and be forced to handle her emotions on her own. I think she's pegging on me responding. She's hurting now, so am I. But she doesn't get to know that I'm hurting. For all she cares, she can believe that I've moved on and don't care at all. If I was in her shoes and truly wanted to make things work.. I would put in a lot more effort.. it's just her guilt eating her.. because she knows she did wrong.

 

+ a phone call with no voicemail.. she is persistent.

[MixedMinh]

Day 12 of NC.

 

Had the worst 24 hours I've had in several years last night. A citation that my insurance agent had told me was paid apparently was not paid and it lead to my license being suspended and me being *un*aware of it.

 

I got pulled over at midnight going home and was arrested, put in a cell for 6 hours by myself. This was my first time in a cell. There was no way to keep track of time. I was already experiencing anxiety, headaches, and stress before getting arrested. All they had was a concrete bed(literally) and a pisser. It hurt to lay down so I paced around, sat down, laid down, and repeated that cycle. Eventually after I drowned in my thoughts and anxiety I was allowed to post bail. Got home at 630AM.

 

I had my car impounded, went to court for arraignment at 10AM(1 hour of actual sleep) by foot (45 minute walk in freezing cold).. they didn't allow cellphones in the court room and they would not hold it.

 

I needed my phone to call for a ride when the arraignment was over so I walked to the nearest D&D and gave an employee $5 to hold my cellphone, she was nice enough to do it for free. Got my next trial date, judge says case is fine-only and I am to represent myself(oh fun). Pick up my cellphone.. friend gives me a ride to RMV, pay more fines. I go to the impound, pay more fines. I'm back home now, my license is currently active and legal, but I'm down around $500.

 

I'm past the point of being exhausted I am nearly delirious and can't even sleep because of the pressure in my head. Feeling extremely weak -- weakest I've felt in a long time. I've felt so powerless and unsure of what was to happen next. Honestly if I knew I had a citation unpaid I would have paid it.. and I would never risk losing my job (driver) with a suspended license.

 

Almost caved and broke NC about 3 different times. She had contacted a friend of mine saying she needed to talk to me and wasn't sure if I was getting her messages (8 texts, 2 phone calls). Stayed strong and didn't break. I know if it was extremely important she would find a way to do what needs to be done. I wanted to break NC because I know she's a weak person.. she's become intimidated by me because I have regained power and fear is creeping in.

 

I'm back and forth between whether or not I should break NC because I feel that maybe a tiny response just to acknowledge her wouldn't be so terrible..? Or maybe just to let her know that I have no desires for friendship or small-talk. Then I just decide NC. I have strong desires to throw a little BC back. I really hope I don't require NC for more than 2-3 months. I'm having a hard time not feeling childish as she's been reaching out to me excessively.. I think it's making it so much harder.

 

Then again, maybe I'm just feeling so weak because of what just happened and I'm running off 1 hour of sleep in 48 hours. All I can say is I'm glad I found you LoveShack. I've never had this kind of support after a break-up before.

Edited February 26, 2014 by MixedMinh